Favorite Pictures in Russia

[slim 1,533]

slim: Excellent points, slim. I'm not rich, but I do have a well-established career that affords me many more creature comforts than I had when I was but a wee lad. If you had to pick ONE thing that has been the most difficult for you and your bride, what would it be?

Wow! What a great (and loaded) question. And just ONE? Come on, there's like a million!

There's obviously going to be the difference between men and women and how we're not going to communicate everything the same way and not see things the same way so that causes some difficulties, but the MAJOR source of difficulties for us is her unwillingness to adapt to the daily grind here in the U.S.

We have a lot of fun together when we're going somewhere or doing something but it's the dull, boring, everyday life that really gets her down, and that, in turn, causes problems for both of us. As a young man, I work ALL THE TIME trying to pay our bills and get us a little something extra. She works a lot too so during the week, we really don't have the chance to do things or go places. Just having dinner together is a stretch as I'm usually sleeping during that time. (3rd shift worker.) And all that not seeing each other and having fun together turns into "it sucks here and you not show me attention" when in reality it's "I'm busting my @$$ so we can have a decent future."

As a more seasoned guy, you probably won't face this to the degree that some of the younger guys on here are. However, I think the majority of our problems now wouldn't be present if I would've taken a more active part in getting her going on things early. She hasn't really developed any hobbies, interests or activities here and that's "my fault" for not getting her out there. What I should've done is ensured we had the money for a car and got her driving pretty quickly and also introduced her to several groups; ESL classes, a dance/exercise class, and some other stuff to occupy her time. She sat here for about eight months with nothing to do (couldn't work) and then once she started working, that's all she does now. Go to work and come home. Go to work and come home.

Americans are used to it because that's what has to happen to make it here in America. However, she has the expectation that we should have hobbies and activities to take up our time in the evenings. (None of which applies to me because, as said above, I work 3rd shift.) Since I don't take her where she needs to go, it now becomes my fault that she's bored and unhappy and that she works all the time for nothing more than survival in our crappy little apartment and this horrible boring city. Nevermind the fact that we live in the city, on the bus route, and next to the university.

I've asked myself several times if maybe I've been too hard on her, but for me, it seems like she's done absolutely nothing to advance her own situation and relied on me for everything. I'm the one that's supposed to find things for her to do and people for her to hang out with. (I'm also supposed to provide the money for all of it!) Everyone I've introduced her to, my small circle of friends, she doesn't care to hang out with so I pretty much left it up to her to find her own friends. She's been here about a year-and-a-half and the only people she's really hung out with socially are one girl from her job (once) and two Russian girls she's met through the internet (a couple of times.) Other than that, it's work and come home to look for things to b!tch about.

When I have the opportunity to take her out somwhere she's generally happy. However, the places we go are often not nice enough or fashionable enough so we don't go out very much.

So, to sum up, I guess the ONE thing that has been most difficult for me and my bride would be trying to have fun during the week while also working our @$$es off.

There have been many many things that have been brought up here on VJ that people have been concerned about that have been non-issues for us. Language barrier, cultural differences, food, etc., (all have been "interesting experiences" but never really difficult to compromise on) but the biggest deal definitely seems to be the difference between the daily life here and the daily life in Russia.

That said, every time I ask her if she wants to go back she says no, so I don't think the grass was that much greener. It's just that a young single woman can get by with not working so much when she has rich boyfriends to support her and take her to nice places. A married woman (that's not cheating on her husband) can't. I understand that it's a different lifestyle and things aren't always nice, but getting her to see the "big picture" or "our future together" is sometimes a tough sell.

Try to eliminate the need for her to "struggle" for a nice life and you'll probably fare better than me in that department. The general concensus that I've gotten is because you are man you must pay for everything and provide everything, their job is to only be beautiful and take care about home. (With your help, of course.) Give her everything she wants and desires and you should have no problems. Except for all the new problems that come with giving a woman everything she wants and desires.....

Good luck!!!

And remember, this is a post about the difficulties. There are a lot of "easy" things too and the meter is still more on the positive side than the negative side. It's closer to the middle than the far right, but my hope is, over time, it will start to drift more and more to the "easy" side.

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Difficult...........................Easy

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Good point!

Ladies, it might benefit you to create your own profiles. Then we will all know immediately when the woman is speaking and when the man is speaking.

Whenever Jason posts I think it is Sasha anyway. It is her picture in his avatar!

Same here.

[Satellite 1]

I'm not really tight with Satellite to the point that I know him and his wife personally but the one thing he and I have in common (and that Jason will soon see, Chuckles is living through now) is we are younger guys who are still trying to "make it." And not that any of the older guys on here are rich, but they're not facing the same situation financially that plays such a big part in American lifestyle. Having younger girls (not that you're "older" cause you can't say that to any woman!) that aren't used to struggling through financial hardship without a benefactor or having done it themselves only exacerbates the situation and that's the root cause of a lot of the "adapting" problems that now plague our relationships.

The struggle continues, quit both my jobs at the start of this year to study for the bar. Living as two working students doesn't help in the adjustment part but it sure does "Americanize" you faster. Actually I think income wise you are still ahead of us. I don't think we broke 30k this year. But we spent at least 30k on education and borrowed another 30k in student loans. And Ohio real estate is still affordable to the average person out there, right? Although the foreclosure auctions are starting to look more and more attractive in California. Prices have fallen as much 200k in many areas. But our VJ and financial struggle journey is coming to an end soon. Got NOA1 for citizenship this month. Bar exam on the 26-28 of this month. And then if I pass, I can go get that crummy job slaving away for some RICH senior partner

[slim 1,533]

I'm not really tight with Satellite to the point that I know him and his wife personally but the one thing he and I have in common (and that Jason will soon see, Chuckles is living through now) is we are younger guys who are still trying to "make it." And not that any of the older guys on here are rich, but they're not facing the same situation financially that plays such a big part in American lifestyle. Having younger girls (not that you're "older" cause you can't say that to any woman!) that aren't used to struggling through financial hardship without a benefactor or having done it themselves only exacerbates the situation and that's the root cause of a lot of the "adapting" problems that now plague our relationships.

The struggle continues, quit both my jobs at the start of this year to study for the bar. Living as two working students doesn't help in the adjustment part but it sure does "Americanize" you faster. Actually I think income wise you are still ahead of us. I don't think we broke 30k this year. But we spent at least 30k on education and borrowed another 30k in student loans. And Ohio real estate is still affordable to the average person out there, right? Although the foreclosure auctions are starting to look more and more attractive in California. Prices have fallen as much 200k in many areas. But our VJ and financial struggle journey is coming to an end soon. Got NOA1 for citizenship this month. Bar exam on the 26-28 of this month. And then if I pass, I can go get that crummy job slaving away for some RICH senior partner

And the really sad part is, by American standards, we're not doing bad at all. We almost doubled your incomes and have only $400/month rent. And that was with her working less than half the year at a little restaraunt! For two young people without college degrees, we bring home a lot of cash. But, that wasn't enough for her I guess. Of course, we have a lot of bills too, but that's part of living in America. I'm just wondering how I get her to be patient enough to make it work, and the bigger question is if over $60K (maybe even 70 this year and next) isn't going to be enough, then what is?

You guys are on the verge, just a few short years and you're "livin the Dream." I hope it's working for you, but here, it seems to be that attaining that Dream just isn't going to cut it.

[KGSodie 0]

Thanks so much slim and satellite for your insights. I only asked for ONE thing, slim, because I didn't want to impose too much upon your time, but given the fullness of your response - feel free to name as many things as you want! Heck, throw in some 'easy' things too! It sucks that your schedules don't line up so that you two could have more time together. All things come to those who wait (and strive valiantly!). I have a great job and Natasha will be coming to work with me (and using my laptop for internet access) until she feels comfortable being at home alone, while we wait for AOS/EAD. One of the perks of being the senior guy on the team.

I'm sure you don't need my advice, but I'll give it anyway. Working hard in order to better the life for your family is a very good thing, a very honorable thing, and something for which you will eventually be rewarded. But don't lose sight of why you work so hard, or life can slip away from you before you realize it is happening. I speak from personal, painful experience on this one.

[slim 1,533]

But don't lose sight of why you work so hard, or life can slip away from you before you realize it is happening. I speak from personal, painful experience on this one.

I get that part, but when all I'm hearing is how broke we are (after we just took a vacation to the Dominican Republic) and how I never buy her anything (just spent several hundred bucks on her birthday) then what am I supposed to do?

Bottom line is my wife is spoiled. She continually b!tches about what we don't have but yet can't seem to appreciate what we do have. And then, working to get it, which we all know is the only way to attain a materialistic lifestyle, seems to be the cause of her unhappiness.

I've cut back my hours to the minimum required at my job (which is still 56/week... slowing to 48 with every-other-weekend off) but it's not enough as I haven't "planned" on things to do on my days off. I should've had fashionable dinners planned at nice restaraunts and trips to bed&breakfasts lined up with a spa stay inbetween. My bad.

My suggestion to all of you that don't have your fiancee/wife here yet is you somehow start showing her what life in the U.S. is like before she arrives. Apparently even the Mid-West is like Hollywood until they show up. Cover the monthly bills with her and help her to understand how money works here. Maybe you can save yourself some headaches. And not earn the nickname "Papa Karlo."

Good luck guys. And thank goodness for the Pro Bowl today. If it wasn't for the NFL I'd probably be sitting in the "man chair" at the mall or the day spa or some other Godforsaken place like that.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Oh, I feel very fortunate my Alla is not spoiled. My girl would consider us rich if we did the things you are doing Slim. She has always reminded me, "I never needed a rich man in my life. I only want man that will provide a simple home, has job, buys food and clothes for us. It would be nice if we could go to restaurant maybe once in month and trip to sea once a year." Her idea of luxury is having a room to ourselves and not sharing with her mother and children. She sees the Hollywood life as story book only and fully understands that this is not want she will find with me in America. I was always careful from the very beginning with her. We talked economic class and "Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown" from the very first e-mail I ever sent her, I tested her expectations. I think she will consider our life here is much better than expected compared to what she is used to. Alla is realistic and I am extremely grateful.

But don't lose sight of why you work so hard, or life can slip away from you before you realize it is happening. I speak from personal, painful experience on this one.

I get that part, but when all I'm hearing is how broke we are (after we just took a vacation to the Dominican Republic) and how I never buy her anything (just spent several hundred bucks on her birthday) then what am I supposed to do?

Bottom line is my wife is spoiled. She continually b!tches about what we don't have but yet can't seem to appreciate what we do have. And then, working to get it, which we all know is the only way to attain a materialistic lifestyle, seems to be the cause of her unhappiness.

I've cut back my hours to the minimum required at my job (which is still 56/week... slowing to 48 with every-other-weekend off) but it's not enough as I haven't "planned" on things to do on my days off. I should've had fashionable dinners planned at nice restaraunts and trips to bed&breakfasts lined up with a spa stay inbetween. My bad.

My suggestion to all of you that don't have your fiancee/wife here yet is you somehow start showing her what life in the U.S. is like before she arrives. Apparently even the Mid-West is like Hollywood until they show up. Cover the monthly bills with her and help her to understand how money works here. Maybe you can save yourself some headaches. And not earn the nickname "Papa Karlo."

Good luck guys. And thank goodness for the Pro Bowl today. If it wasn't for the NFL I'd probably be sitting in the "man chair" at the mall or the day spa or some other Godforsaken place like that.

[CarlosAndSveta 808]

My suggestion to all of you that don't have your fiancee/wife here yet is you somehow start showing her what life in the U.S. is like before she arrives. Apparently even the Mid-West is like Hollywood until they show up. Cover the monthly bills with her and help her to understand how money works here. Maybe you can save yourself some headaches. And not earn the nickname "Papa Karlo."

What is bad about being called "Papa Karlo?"

[slim 1,533]

Oh, I feel very fortunate my Alla is not spoiled. My girl would consider us rich if we did the things you are doing Slim.

Alla is a little older and has a little more life experience than my wife. She also has kids so that makes her automatically appreciate having things. When you've been through some stuff, it's a lot easier to be thankful for what you have.

I was always careful from the very beginning with her. We talked economic class and "Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown" from the very first e-mail I ever sent her, I tested her expectations. I think she will consider our life here is much better than expected compared to what she is used to. Alla is realistic and I am extremely grateful.

Therein lies the problem here. I too was careful from the start, but we started when we were both barely 20 years old and much, much, much has changed for both of us since then. She got accustomed to the men in her life treating her a certain way and she didn't really live a tradtional lifestyle of staying in one place and working at a job to make money to pay bills. Her and I both moved around every couple of months (a year or two at most) and never had to work the day-to-day grind that it takes to make it here in the States. Now that we're required to do that, it's something that she's not so sure she wants to do.

But, there's really no other way for us to do it, so we're going to have to stick to it for a while. No arguing with that.

What is bad about being called "Papa Karlo?"

Being called Papa Karlo isn't so bad. What's bad is being Papa Karlo, or at least working like him. (If you don't know the story, Papa Karlo is a Russian folk character who works a whole bunch. When people work like a dog, Russians can say something like "that guy works like Papa Karlo." It's not a derogatory term or slander, it's just saying you work a lot.)

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

I feel you, Slim. I do understand. My former wife is very spoiled. If I would have seen that then with these eyes instead of with my 20 year old immature mind at the time, I would have never got involved with her. Obviously, your girl has not walked in Alla's shoes. Alla is happy everyday for the sole reason she actually found a man that loves her AND her children, something fairly rare in Russia. You are on a different train my friend. I wish you well.

Oh, I feel very fortunate my Alla is not spoiled. My girl would consider us rich if we did the things you are doing Slim.

Alla is a little older and has a little more life experience than my wife. She also has kids so that makes her automatically appreciate having things. When you've been through some stuff, it's a lot easier to be thankful for what you have.

I was always careful from the very beginning with her. We talked economic class and "Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown" from the very first e-mail I ever sent her, I tested her expectations. I think she will consider our life here is much better than expected compared to what she is used to. Alla is realistic and I am extremely grateful.

Therein lies the problem here. I too was careful from the start, but we started when we were both barely 20 years old and much, much, much has changed for both of us since then. She got accustomed to the men in her life treating her a certain way and she didn't really live a tradtional lifestyle of staying in one place and working at a job to make money to pay bills. Her and I both moved around every couple of months (a year or two at most) and never had to work the day-to-day grind that it takes to make it here in the States. Now that we're required to do that, it's something that she's not so sure she wants to do.

But, there's really no other way for us to do it, so we're going to have to stick to it for a while. No arguing with that.

What is bad about being called "Papa Karlo?"

Being called Papa Karlo isn't so bad. What's bad is being Papa Karlo, or at least working like him. (If you don't know the story, Papa Karlo is a Russian folk character who works a whole bunch. When people work like a dog, Russians can say something like "that guy works like Papa Karlo." It's not a derogatory term or slander, it's just saying you work a lot.)

[Chuckles 0]

You sure are open with your messages, slim. That is nice for people to see and learn about 'Russians in America'. We have some similar 'problems', but me and my wife are just a tad bit older, and I think you are right, it makes a lot of difference. I am not rich, and we both work, but she understands that part. Her quality of life was pretty good in Russia too, I suppose. Decent job, savings in the bank, owned an apartment etc.

The things that didn't work out for us were the food and the bills. She eats almost anything now, but trying to find food 'just like' in Russia was actually a big deal for the first year. You can't take a Russian woman and give her a hamburger and expect her to grin and eat it. I couldn't even give her a nice Chicken vinagrette and have her eat it. It was a big pain in the a$$, but she acclimated eventually. After that, it was her understanding the bills. I am not rich, but I have a decent enough job. So, she couldn't understand how my bills could come close to being the same as my income. That was a sticky point for us, because she is such a scrooge! (I mean saver...) It took a while for her to understand credit, and what things cost (Such as utilities and insurance) in America.

So I guess if you can learn anything from me, look for some good Russian stores or restaraunts in advance, and explain all your finances in fine detail first.

[Satellite 1]

So I guess if you can learn anything from me, look for some good Russian stores or restaurants in advance, and explain all your finances in fine detail first.

Having the luxury of having Russian stores all around me in me in both San Francisco and Sacramento I can tell you that if you do all your grocery shopping there you will spend twice if not three times what you would shopping at discount grocery stores like Winco, Walmart and Costco. We hardly go to the Russian stores and if we do we only buy a few "luxury" items as a treat.

[kud 0]

So I guess if you can learn anything from me, look for some good Russian stores or restaurants in advance, and explain all your finances in fine detail first.

Having the luxury of having Russian stores all around me in me in both San Francisco and Sacramento I can tell you that if you do all your grocery shopping there you will spend twice if not three times what you would shopping at discount grocery stores like Winco, Walmart and Costco. We hardly go to the Russian stores and if we do we only buy a few "luxury" items as a treat.

I am with you Satellite. The DC area has enough Russian stores to do all your shopping, but paying those bills would kill us financially. I was lucky since I met my Wife here, before her J1 ran out. She returned to Russia and I started the paperwork. Her 3 yrs here helped a lot. And yes we frequent Costco.

[Jason-Sasha 1]

I must say that living in America while on J1 together with Jason really helped me to get acquainted with American life better. I know it's not that easy as some russian girls think. I know how many responsibilities i will have when i come there. I admit that my parents spoilt me and I admit that I have a pretty easy life here now. I earn enough money to pay for my rent , other bills and for everything I want now. But I am so ready to change it for living with Jason. I had an experience living with him, I know where I am going. And I felt so much happy working everyday but coming home at night knowing that my Jason is there waiting for me. Trust me, it's so much better than just living alone in Moscow.

The good thing for us is that I am working for American company now and when i come to the US I will still be able to work for them on-line. So, i think we will be fine. But anyway, it doesn't really matter how much you earn for a girl who really loves you. Together you will overcome financial and other difficulties.

And, Slim, just give your wife some more time. She chose you from all the other men and she doesn't want to leave you and come back to Russia. It says a lot. For some of us more time is needed to adapt.

Sasha

[Jason-Sasha 1]

I must say that living in America while on J1 together with Jason really helped me to get acquainted with American life better. I know it's not that easy as some russian girls think. I know how many responsibilities i will have when i come there. I admit that my parents spoilt me and I admit that I have a pretty easy life here now. I earn enough money to pay for my rent , other bills and for everything I want now. But I am so ready to change it for living with Jason. I had an experience living with him, I know where I am going. And I felt so much happy working everyday but coming home at night knowing that my Jason is there waiting for me. Trust me, it's so much better than just living alone in Moscow.

The good thing for us is that I am working for American company now and when i come to the US I will still be able to work for them on-line. So, i think we will be fine. But anyway, it doesn't really matter how much you earn for a girl who really loves you. Together you will overcome financial and other difficulties.

And, Slim, just give your wife some more time. She chose you from all the other men and she doesn't want to leave you and come back to Russia. It says a lot. For some of us more time is needed to adapt.

Sasha

Awww.... I'm so proud of my Sasha and her posting abilities! Isn't she just great? She kinda took over for me while I was sick with the flu. That's my girl!