avoiding hijack

[CutienPurg 0]

So........how am I/we? The kids are doig well, staying busy and distracted. They have their moments of sadness and outright tears. The youngest , an almost 11 yr old takes it the hardest. My 2nd husband , her father and the father of my 13 yr old passed away almost 5 years ago following a bee sting. He thought she hung the moon and she reciprocated that feeling. Following his death, Cory tried his best to fill in some the gaps left behind. Both my 11 and 13 yr old feel like theyve lost another dad. The older children, 17 and 19 yr old girls, run non-stop. Their( and Cory's) dad and my sister mom are 2 of my very best friends ( took a few years). The girls spend a fair amount of time with dad and his family which helps them immensely. Hubby , well he just takes care of us all...bless his heart.I dont know what the future holds for me but I would imagine this pull between wanting/needing to be where my son is and wanting/needing to be here with my other children, husband , family and friends will never end. The boy who taught me how to love has left me and I can never again hold his hand, hear his laugh, smell his neck or see his lazy fanny sleeping on my couch til mid afternoon. Somehow I have to find a way to live with that.

It's been 5 weeks and 1 day and still feels as raw as if it were the moment I watched them call my son's time of death.....in complete hysteria and disbelief I might add. I wander about the house with little enthusiasm and even less interest in much of anything.

I find myself reading extensively about spirituality and the afterlife ........a real reach for lifer in the concept of atheism. Ive never believed in a biblical god but always wanted to believe there was more than just this life we experience in the here and now. All of my life Ive been somewhat of a cynical skeptic always wanting to avoid being duped or suckered , if you will. I still cant sink my teeth into the one god deal.......some guy that looks like you or me sitting in some celestial kingdom with the power to affect all of our lives, occasionally wandering amongst those who have passed and offering some type of pat on the head. I dunno that's the way Ive always imagined the religious concept of god. I CAN however, totally accept the idea that we are, as humans, an energy that exists inside a human shell and that energy exists on both the human and spiritual realm. When the physical body dies , the spirit lives on, not in heaven but right here on this plane in which we ourselves exist. Just because we cannot experience them with our basic 5 senses ( or can we) , it does not mean they do not exist. We dont see microwaves, x-rays etc and we cannot hear certain sounds but they do in fact exist.If there is a percentage of a percentage of a chance that my son is somehow alive in some form , I will take it and the risk of being suckered is not worth considering. The risk of possibly not experiencing my child or missing something he wants to tell me, far outweighs any concern of pride or ego. I am not looking to god for support or help as I truly believe after a lifetime of dismissing such a thing and now in my darkest moments asking for guidance would be nothing less than the worst form of hypocrite. I believed and still believe in my son, I trust/trusted his word, I respect/respected his opinion and if , in this time, there is a way for him to show me what Ive been missing, he will. I will believe in him and I will be a good student to whatever he wants to teach me. So all of your prayers and energies were definitely not wasted.

This wasn't meant to be a religious dissertation or a mini thesis on new age metaphysical theory, but simply an explanation of what gets me through these days. Right now my survival is based on this acceptance and belief. It is also not meant to spark a religious debate as we all know religion and politics do mix in a social setting.

and so it goes.......

~Andrea

[Chica Yeyé 41]

My dearest friend,

You don't need to justify your need to believe in something bigger. Not to me anyways. I find so much comfort in knowing that there is something or someone out there looking out for me. I feel for you my friend, and yes, you are in my daily prayers.

Peace, L.

Oh... and therapy is always helpful too. We need to acknowledge we're not almighty, and getting help to get trough rough spots only shows your inner strength and your love for life. So go for it.

L.

[KarenCee 3]

You know...when my twin sons died, I read everything I could get my hands on regarding the very things you are researching now. I grieved the way I felt I needed to, and took my time healing. If I had listened to other people about my grief and how I handled it, I'm not sure I would have processed it the right way for me. Although my boys were stillborns it still hurt like hell to lose them.

Do whatever helps you heal. Grieve as long as it takes. Michael and Matthew would have been 9 this year and I still have moments when the intense grief floods back as if it were only yesterday. I'm glad you're doing something positive in learning how to navigate this grief journey. My thoughts are still with you Andrea.

[misa 2]

No need to justify your beliefs, especially at a time like this. Still thinking about you and your family.

*HUGS*

(P.S. to the mods, please don't move this thread)

[LadyJane 1]

Many hugs for you Cutien!

[Jashley820 0]

Any time you need to write for therapy, we're here to read and provide support.

[Carlawarla 1]

Process this however you need to. I can't imagine your pain and loss. I really appreciate and cherish how you're dealing with this and especially sharing it with us. Whatever you need, even just an ear, we're here for you.

Hugs,

Carla

[vnoe 0]

Your words brought me to tears.

Hugs

[karina 0]

*HUGS* to you, Andrea!!

[Kez/JWolf 6]

All I can say is WOW.... you are one strong woman... I can not begin to know the pain you must have been through, cant imagine losing my child...

Stay strong

Kez

[Emancipation 2]

I am sure the next while will take you through the stages of grief time and time again.. I don't think you ever just "Get over" loss.. you learn to cope.. Take your time my friend, and know we are all thinking/praying/here for you at this time..

I think in order to find peace in situations like this you have to process your thoughts, and evaluate your beliefs.. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts as you search for truth..

[Mephys 2]

Andrea, I am with you there in the spiritual believing. I have never believed in any religion or god, and I don't think it is going to change. But I refuse to believe there is nothing out there, like all the miocrowaves and ultrasounds and other things that we can't see or hear, I am sure there is some sort of spiritual form.

The death of my grandfather few years ago ( he was more like a father to me) made me think a lot about this. It may sound silly but I believe in this, even with animals, thinking the stripes that appeared on my black kitty are a sign from the Tabby I lost over a year ago... I think they are all out there, looking down on us like Angels and protectors.

May your son be with you and share every happy or sad moments of your life and may he look after you and protect you.

Marie

Edited August 23, 2007 by Mephys