Your Horoscope

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Your Horoscope

Aries March 21 - April 19

Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in booty.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You'll learn far too late to be careful what you wish for when the ponies, sailboat, and baby brother you wanted back when you were 7 suddenly appear in your living room this week.

Libra September 23 - October 23

You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Long gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for this to actually be the case.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.

Taken from http://"http://www.theonion.com/content/"