So... in laws :-)

[silvermug 16]

I'm married to an American with mixed European descent (although, Italian is dominant). The family has more females than males. He is the only biological son (he has a step brother living in another state) and he has two sisters. Plus, an unmarried aunt. Expectedly, in a crowd dominated by women, stories -- both constructive and destructive, are always there. Also, gatherings and parties are almost ... a given.

I am not a very social person. We believe in strong family ties, but that is usually not expressed in attending gatherings or holding parties. As our life in my home country did not sail as smooth as other lives would, we are usually busy trying to find means to live and survive, instead of buying dresses and shoes to attend gatherings. In other words, luxury is not really on top of the priority list (if it is even on the list).

My question is -- in the US culture, is attending family gatherings considered obligatory for "immediate" family members? I do not want to disappoint anyone, especially family members. More importantly, I do not want to hear any saddening story about me in the family, just because I did not cooperate. If it is something that I, unfortunately, have to endure, then I guess, so be it.

[Atencio 43]

Some families are more social than others. I don't think the dominant number of females has any real aspect in this. Have you discussed this with your husband to see what his feelings are in attending these social functions? If he is really close to his family it may be hard to ask him not to go. Maybe some type of compromise can be made such as you attend maybe every other and let him go to the others by himself. I was kind of in the same boat with my ex-wife's family. They are Mexican and had parties all the time which I really hated going to. I would go maybe once every couple of months just to make an appearance and say I was busy with work or something else on the other occasions. I never stopped the ex from going though. Good luck.

Edited October 11, 2010 by Atencio

[silvermug 16]

Some families are more social than others. I don't think the dominant number of females has any real aspect in this.

I feel it has something to do with it because they are the ones who make a deal out of it, haha.

Have you discussed this with your husband to see what his feelings are in attending these social functions? If he is really close to his family it may be hard to ask him not to go. Maybe some type of compromise can be made such as you attend maybe every other and let him go to the others by himself. I was kind of in the same boat with my ex-wife's family. They are Mexican and had parties all the time which I really hated going to. I would go maybe once every couple of months just to make an appearance and say I was busy with work or something else on the other occasions. I never stopped the ex from going though. Good luck.

Yes, have been. And he usually says that he is already used it and I tell him, well I'm not used to it. I tried that trick of not attending most of them and just showing up once in a while, just to be there. But you can only find few excuses. It makes me sad when I have to ask my husband to lie for me. To have him say that I have work to do, la li la. But actually, I could make it, if I wanted to. When I don't attend, I usually hear undesirable stories about me. Not really happy ones.

And of course, I never and I never will stop him from going. He is free to attend the family gatherings or any other gathering he feels reasonable to attend to.

[Zai & Gary 6]

As an American male I wanted to give you my opinion (and it is only my opinion) based of my past marriage. My ex wife passed away years ago but her family was big on getting together and parties and such. I was not so excited about going to all of these parties but I did because it made my ex happy and she did not have to lie for me. She was always ready to attend all of my family gatherings as well. If your husband wants to attend then you should attend with him. After all, it is his family and even if he does not tell you, I am sure that he wants for you to get along with his family just as you want him to get along with your family. How would/do you feel if he makes excuses to not join in on your family's gatherings? If his family goes to the trouble to try to include you then try going. As you get to know them better you will feel much more comfortable with them as well. You are not attending to make them happy, you are attending as your husband's wife and that will make him happy.

[James & Julie 1]

As an American male I wanted to give you my opinion (and it is only my opinion) based of my past marriage. My ex wife passed away years ago but her family was big on getting together and parties and such. I was not so excited about going to all of these parties but I did because it made my ex happy and she did not have to lie for me. She was always ready to attend all of my family gatherings as well. If your husband wants to attend then you should attend with him. After all, it is his family and even if he does not tell you, I am sure that he wants for you to get along with his family just as you want him to get along with your family. How would/do you feel if he makes excuses to not join in on your family's gatherings? If his family goes to the trouble to try to include you then try going. As you get to know them better you will feel much more comfortable with them as well. You are not attending to make them happy, you are attending as your husband's wife and that will make him happy.

That is best answer, Marriage is constant compromise, doing what the other wishes even before they ask it of you. knowing how to please them and making effort to try your best. It will Help grow the foundation of your marriage if you both attend the other's family functions !!!

[silvermug 16]

As an American male I wanted to give you my opinion (and it is only my opinion) based of my past marriage. My ex wife passed away years ago but her family was big on getting together and parties and such. I was not so excited about going to all of these parties but I did because it made my ex happy and she did not have to lie for me. She was always ready to attend all of my family gatherings as well. If your husband wants to attend then you should attend with him. After all, it is his family and even if he does not tell you, I am sure that he wants for you to get along with his family just as you want him to get along with your family. How would/do you feel if he makes excuses to not join in on your family's gatherings? If his family goes to the trouble to try to include you then try going. As you get to know them better you will feel much more comfortable with them as well. You are not attending to make them happy, you are attending as your husband's wife and that will make him happy.

Thanks for your reply. This definitely brings some light to the issue and I am willing to do this for my husband, at least (if not only for him). Sometimes when I am with his mom and sister(s), they talk about the other in-laws and I just feel like putting my earphones on. It is not a discussion about me, but I feel so bad for the person spoken about. Unhealthy.

Although it is not applicable (since my family is in the PH), but if my husband does not want to attend any of my family gatherings, that is totally fine with me and totally fine with my family. I know that for a fact because I hardly see my brother-in-law and things are good.

[sweet angel 5]

As an American male I wanted to give you my opinion (and it is only my opinion) based of my past marriage. My ex wife passed away years ago but her family was big on getting together and parties and such. I was not so excited about going to all of these parties but I did because it made my ex happy and she did not have to lie for me. She was always ready to attend all of my family gatherings as well. If your husband wants to attend then you should attend with him. After all, it is his family and even if he does not tell you, I am sure that he wants for you to get along with his family just as you want him to get along with your family. How would/do you feel if he makes excuses to not join in on your family's gatherings? If his family goes to the trouble to try to include you then try going. As you get to know them better you will feel much more comfortable with them as well. You are not attending to make them happy, you are attending as your husband's wife and that will make him happy.

[Maxx121 14]

it looks bad if you dont go. if my mother had something and my cathy didnt go and i went and i made up an excuse, my mom and sisters would know it. best advice i can give:

find someone in the family you like and spend time with them outside of the gatherings, that way when there are gatherings you have someone to cling to when your hubby goes off to do guy things.

[Joan >3 Bob 20]

By not wanting to attend any family functions is like when you and your husband take a trip back to visit Your Family in the Phils...How would you like it if he stayed in a hotel and never wanted to come to your familys' house to visit?

Even if you are a shy person, by attending family functions frequently you will lose the shyness you ahve now. If you chose to NOT attend with your husband you will be sending his family a message that You Do Not Like or Accept them. After all when two people get married both of them become part of the others FAMILY. Are you just jealous of the "Girls" or number of Single women that attend these functions? Maybe you need counceling of some sort or you do not trust your husband.

[JoannaV 173]

It is not obligatory to buy the dresses and shoes for the gatherings, however.

[TravellingNomad 12]

you have to learn to adjust. just because your own family were not big on seeing spouses of your siblings/relatives, does not mean the same thing applies to your husband's family. remember, ibang lahi sya kaya what you are ok with, does not mean is ok with him or mostly, his immediate family.

you need to stop trying to say things like ok lang sa family if they don't see him at gatherings or your upbringing does not believe in gatherings to prove strong family ties, etc. etc. etc. k'se it seems like you're saying these things as an excuse and make you feel better about not wanting to go to his family's shindigs.

and if you do go, you said you just want to put your headphones on so you don't have to listen to them. that you don't like listening to the things they say. that type of situation is no different from any family out there. don't tell me in the gatherings you go to...you don't hear your relatives talk about someone they know (a friend or a relative) that's not at the party. nothing new in this type of situation with every other gatherings. what you can do is...even if you don't want to hear what they're talking about, strike up a different conversation with the family member next to you.

i've never heard of having/needing to buy new clothes and shoes as a requirement to go to family gatherings. hell, i show up in house slippers and pang-bahay na shirt to most of our family gatherings....LOL

Edited October 12, 2010 by TravellingNomad

[Maxx121 14]

just thought of something, if fashion is an issue, cause i have sisters who are like that. ask one of them to go shopping with you

they will love that.

just make sure its a friendly one

hehe treat it like making a new friend at school