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Archie Goes Gay

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Filed: Timeline


The gang at Archie Comics, one of the world’s longest-running and most popular comic books ever, has finally decided to ####### things up a little. This fall, an openly gay teenager, Kevin Keller—a hunky young transfer student with a square jaw and a furrowed blond hairdo that looks not unlike a gilded Rococo mirror frame—will enroll at Riverdale High, immediately drawing the attention of boys and girls alike. I see this as further evidence of Glee’s influence as the gayest thing to hit the mainstream since manscaping (and the penultimate step in the homosexual takeover of America). Now that Chris Colfer (“Kurt”) is the nation’s sweetheart, every innocent bastion of teenager-dom is struggling to get its own little **. Obviously, I support this endeavor. Gay kids are everywhere, and they deserve to see themselves stereotypically portrayed as hot, popular, body-obsessed, vapid, and two-dimensional just like every other depiction of young people in popular culture. But this Kevin character begs a few questions about the Archie-verse.

1) Is he really first? The last time I read an Archie comic, I was probably about eight. They had them in the waiting area of this weird family restaurant we used to go to in suburban Detroit called Bill Knapp's, where they served this tendon-y chicken and biscuits, and where you could get a free chocolate cake if you came in on your birthday. Anyway, as far as I can remember, the entire plot of nearly every storyline revolved around an implied three-way between the eponymous Archie, brunette heiress Veronica, and flaxen-haired girl-next-door Betty. Maybe girl-on-girl action like this doesn’t count as "gay." Or maybe, since the ladies never officially declared themselves to be lesbians, Kevin is the first out gay character.

2) When’s the movie coming out? Archie has been left languishing while literally every other comic book ever written—and some that aren’t even finished yet—has been made into a major motion picture. Why? Because the series is entirely lacking in blood-splattering violence, brooding and depressive protagonists, skin-tight costumes, ersatz superpowers, hints at sexual frission, or nine year-olds constantly saying c#nt and mother-f#cker like they have a tourettian tic. Instead, it’s about a bunch of insipid, average fools who don’t do anything but drive around, drink ice cream sodas, and otherwise act like they just escaped from a dulled-down version of Betty Draper’s adolescence, or some sort of vintage McTeen vending machine. Now that they’ve got a gay, they have an edgy, au-courant “problem” around which they can build something that could potentially resemble a plot. (Attention casting directors: Kellan Lutz would make a great Kevin, especially if he takes lots of showers.)

3) Who’s he going to get with? In Kevin's inaugural issue, Veronica goes all bonkers for the super-creamy newcomer, and he has to let her down easy by explaining that, when it comes to breakfast, he prefers links over patties. Speaking of meat, this leaves Kev surveying the buffet in the boys’ locker room for a likely snack. Let’s examine the offerings and try to determine where in the food pyramid he should sink his teeth.


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Hm. Interesting.

They really are running out of material, so maybe this will make them stop putting older strips into the new books.

I used to have about 200 Archie comics. Must say the oldest ones are the best.

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