How many of you here married to a widow/widower?

[crishe_30 0]

Hi Everybody,

I've been an avid reader of this website and I find it very interesting and informative. Most of the people here ( but not all) have something in common and it is great because they can relate and understand each other. In my case, like where I am now, I feel that I am just alone in this situation. I have nobody to talk to when I need to express my feelings and thoughts about my situation. Hey, my life is not terrible but not perfect either. I can't complain anything other than my insecurities/jealousy of his late wife. I know the comparison between me and his late wife is normal and there were times that I felt like a third wheel and didn't know where to stand. I should have not felt this way but I can't control myself. Another thing, my husband is very firm from the very beginning of not having a kid with me. At first, I was fine about it but there were times that I long of having a kid of my own, probably because of my insecurities or I don't know.

Hey, I just need your inputs and insights about my situation. I know being married to a widower is quite crucial. Thank you

[thongd4me 69]

Hi Everybody,

I've been an avid reader of this website and I find it very interesting and informative. Most of the people here ( but not all) have something in common and it is great because they can relate and understand each other. In my case, like where I am now, I feel that I am just alone in this situation. I have nobody to talk to when I need to express my feelings and thoughts about my situation. Hey, my life is not terrible but not perfect either. I can't complain anything other than my insecurities/jealousy of his late wife. I know the comparison between me and his late wife is normal and there were times that I felt like a third wheel and didn't know where to stand. I should have not felt this way but I can't control myself. Another thing, my husband is very firm from the very beginning of not having a kid with me. At first, I was fine about it but there were times that I long of having a kid of my own, probably because of my insecurities or I don't know.

Hey, I just need your inputs and insights about my situation. I know being married to a widower is quite crucial. Thank you

Hon,

I'm not going to ask your age or any biological-clock related questions, because no matter what your age

if you've never had kids you should feel that marriage entitles you to at least one of your own, assuming

that your partner is on board.

I had a very good long-term relationship with a woman who was older than myself but the fact that we

couldn't have kids (we skirted/ignored the issue for many years) was indeed the deal breaker with regard

to going to the next step (marriage). To this day I can only say nice things about her but she did hide the

fact that she couldn't have kids for many years (or I was just too blind to see the obvious). In any situation

you can never assign 100% of the blame to one person, but the position of one person can lead to the

breakdown of a relationship. *edit* I was also inclined to adopt as she couldn't have kids but that for her

was out of the question; the result was an impasse. Usually I thinkthe woman has to coax the man to adopt but

I was willing to go that route.

A close friend of mine had 2 sons by a previous marriage. He, also like your intended took a very hard

"I don't want any more kids" position just before they married. Once they were married, he softened

that position and did everything he could on his part to help her have their son (as she was close to

the age where pregnancies were risky/doubtful but she still wanted it nonetheless). They had a son of

their own and that is their story. If your intended finally get's on board the "baby train" he should

do it enthusiastically as a participant (there are many ways a man can slack off, not just in bed) and

that means as an enthusiastic parent. If you don't think he's up to it that may give you pause.

I know your situation now is like both of you are trying to please the other as much as possible because

no serious differences have come up...yet. Over time, the difference over whether to have kids tends to

get worse if it's not dealt with decisively early in the relationship. Only you and he jointly can arrive at

that decision.

Edited October 27, 2009 by thongd4me

[thongd4me 69]

In an effort to completely address your question, it seems to me you are bending over backwards

to understand/empathize with the nuances of his "widowerhood." What you need to do is address

your dilemma in terms of your relationship with each other instead of in terms of his relationship

with his late wife. The latter shouldn't control the former, no matter what his time-frame for greiving is.

If you are content to let your marriage be ruled by a former marriage (from death or divorce, it

doesn't really make much difference) then that's what you have to live with if you decide that.

In a tender way, you somehow have to make him realize that you come first now. If it's self-pity,

he's way off-base because he has you and it's time to be happy and think of the possibilities

rather than the limitations.

[crishe_30 0]

To thongd4me,

These insecurities I have right now are the by-product of the following: my personality, extrinsic pressures and intrinsic pressures. The only thing I can do is to live with it and learn to overcome these insecurities. I believe it is just a matter of time and I have faith in myself. How I wish I could choose not to think these negative issues but I am not getting there yet. Despite the fact of my full knowledge about my husband, still my insecurities are beyond control. I think because he was too honest and he told me everything, though I knew that there was a bias because that’s his wife and married for 22 years and have 2 grown up kids and a grandson. I understand that part but it just hurts sometimes. I know who am I and what I am capable of but the comparison is not always fair. Ohhhh well, life is unfair. There were even times that I felt that I deserve less because I am a second wife. I feel being deprived sometimes, sounds crazy, huh! I have thought about these things and looked on the bright side and said “ These things happened for a reason”. I can make a lot of speculations about why is this so and so but I am tired of it. To give a brief background about myself, I am 30 and capable of bearing a child, professional and was never been married and no kid. I was financially independent and I loved the way things were used to be. I like my life now too, a challenging chapter of my life and I find it interesting. My husband and I are living in upper middle class lifestyles and experiencing things that not many people have it. I realized not all glitters are gold and material things cannot give you ultimate happiness. I don’t want to appear as an idealistic person because I know that individual has his/her own gauge of happiness. I prefer balance life such as ( work, family, relaxation/entertainment, socialization, etc). I love my husband anyway no matter what and I know he loves me too.

About me wanting a kid; I am not sure if that would happen. My husband had a vasectomy a few months before I moved here and I knew about it. He had his sperm freeze in the agency and he is still paying for the storage until now. He said, I might change my mind in the future that's why he stored it in there. I am not positive how sure he was because I know he doesn't want a kid anymore. I made several attempts of talking about it but it didn't go nowhere. When we were still dating, I told him that I didn't want a kid and probably it was all my fault because I said those words to him. You know what, I really wanted to take all the blame but what can I do, if I feel that way right now. I am a woman and I am nothing different than any woman in the world. Ohh, jeezzz I am just nuts!!! I can imagine people reading this post might think I am this and that, blah blah. Anyway, thank you for reading!!

[thongd4me 69]

Crishe,

I think we have something in common in that we both try to be open an honest in this, a public forum,

in an attempt to get deeply felt replies from friends who are concerned and supportive.

I will try to reply as honestly as I can but I'll do that in a personal message, because I think your

last post merits one. Others should be encouraged to do the same, as you shouldn't only take

my opinion or feelings in this, a very personal dilemma for you. I don't want anyone to think

I have a monopoly on your attention in this. I have a tendency to be frank in my remarks

and by doing that have become a lightning rod for people who don't give a damn about me

or anyone I try to communicate honestly with. You should be able to digest the advice from

me and others without 3rd parties coming in and insulting one or both of us.

To thongd4me,

These insecurities I have right now are the by-product of the following: my personality, extrinsic pressures and intrinsic pressures. The only thing I can do is to live with it and learn to overcome these insecurities. I believe it is just a matter of time and I have faith in myself. How I wish I could choose not to think these negative issues but I am not getting there yet. Despite the fact of my full knowledge about my husband, still my insecurities are beyond control. I think because he was too honest and he told me everything, though I knew that there was a bias because that’s his wife and married for 22 years and have 2 grown up kids and a grandson. I understand that part but it just hurts sometimes. I know who am I and what I am capable of but the comparison is not always fair. Ohhhh well, life is unfair. There were even times that I felt that I deserve less because I am a second wife. I feel being deprived sometimes, sounds crazy, huh! I have thought about these things and looked on the bright side and said “ These things happened for a reason”. I can make a lot of speculations about why is this so and so but I am tired of it. To give a brief background about myself, I am 30 and capable of bearing a child, professional and was never been married and no kid. I was financially independent and I loved the way things were used to be. I like my life now too, a challenging chapter of my life and I find it interesting. My husband and I are living in upper middle class lifestyles and experiencing things that not many people have it. I realized not all glitters are gold and material things cannot give you ultimate happiness. I don’t want to appear as an idealistic person because I know that individual has his/her own gauge of happiness. I prefer balance life such as ( work, family, relaxation/entertainment, socialization, etc). I love my husband anyway no matter what and I know he loves me too.

About me wanting a kid; I am not sure if that would happen. My husband had a vasectomy a few months before I moved here and I knew about it. He had his sperm freeze in the agency and he is still paying for the storage until now. He said, I might change my mind in the future that's why he stored it in there. I am not positive how sure he was because I know he doesn't want a kid anymore. I made several attempts of talking about it but it didn't go nowhere. When we were still dating, I told him that I didn't want a kid and probably it was all my fault because I said those words to him. You know what, I really wanted to take all the blame but what can I do, if I feel that way right now. I am a woman and I am nothing different than any woman in the world. Ohh, jeezzz I am just nuts!!! I can imagine people reading this post might think I am this and that, blah blah. Anyway, thank you for reading!!

Edited October 28, 2009 by thongd4me

[sara..... 371]

hi, i just wanted to say may God bless you......im not in the same situation as you are but can feel ur pain i dont have any great ideas for u or words of wisdom .........i just wanted to say ur in my prayers

sara