Very poor communication

[T_and_A 3]

sorry guys... This may be long... its just that this is my only way that i can bring my feelings out... with someone actually listening.. to true genuine feelings. I really need help thru good and sound advice. U need not read the entire thing but just read the last paragraph where I ask my questions and where i need help on... but to understand where im coming from, you can read on. I appreciate all comments in advance.

May 20 - almost midnight...

I was actually awakened by a very bad dream - I felt it was so real, and I woke up to myself. found my husband still awake on the edge of the bed - doing something in his computer. I tried to calm myself down and rolled on the bed... tried hard to go back to sleep. Tried harder - I couldn't. I was feeling so bothered, since pregnant, I've been getting bad heartburn, everyday worse <that's why i always have antacid handy>, so I decided to get up and get a cold water for a drink. Still i couldn't go back to sleep. I wanted it all out. And so I thought about blogging it or post it here in VJ. I decided the latter since I could use a really good advice.

This is actually our 11th monthsary... yay! I am happy. I love my husband a whole lot, I have even convinced myself I love him more than i love myself...yeah. I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him. I guess... just a guess.. this may be where my problem started in the first place...

...back to my dream. I dreamed that I woke up the same night, the same scenario, my husband was there on the edge of the bed, still on his computer. It's 11 pm.. I woke up asking him why he's still awake, what he's doing on his computer that is much important than taking a good night's sleep... no answer. He just sat there and continued with what he was doing... so i got up and tried to peek on his computer. and then he locked it. CTRL ALT DEL. I got so mad. I was so mad, I was crying... and there was a big fight. That's when I woke up..

Reality... Had a usual day... though for me... secretly i was wanting something special to happen, something sweet on this day.. after all, this is our monthsary. He drops me off and picks me up from work but today, he asked me if somehow I could manage to have coworker drop me off at Ross and so he can just pick me up there since his boss is in town and he may not be able to leave work as expected. Fair enough. I managed. I failed my first driving test..and now I only carry a learner's permit. But since my husband is the only one i have here, there's really nobody to rely on. I don't have friends yet that I can consider really friends. I hate being in that situation. Not having friends and not able to drive. Most of it i blame myself especially for failing that drive test <this is actually a different story - funny and disappointing at the same time>. With making friends, I don't think I have problems with people. I actually make friends easily in the Philippines. But here, maybe because my world revolves around my husband like to things together all the time. He drives all the time, whenever, wherever we want to go when we are not working.

Anyway, back to today... on the way home from work, he was really saying he's tired. And I can tell he is tired. I was tired too. From all day's work and having to walk and walk window shopping, while waiting for my husband... to kill the time, carrying my handbag and a big baby in my tummy. We decided to eat out to treat ourselves since its our monthsary anyway and he said he's hungry and Im starting to get hungry too, we couldn't wait long enough to get home and make dinner. And so we did. We did our usual dinner, but as we were eating, there's not much words spoken. I tried to ask him how his day was.. do you love me.. and ask him why his eyes are almost teary and or sparkly.. but not much reply there. I felt disconnected. I have always wanted someone to share how my day was and my partner doing the same thing with me. I have always wanted to make memories, good conversation... just sharing those with someone I thought would be my husband. But i thought i'll just leave it at that... maybe he's just tired.. On the way home, while in the car, still the same thing not much words exchanged. Just sit there in silence... deafening silence. I just tried to close my eyes. And then his phone rang, he answered it - was his ex-wife, as usual. They chatted on the phone for a few minutes. He was giving her advice, where she can go to get some cheap clothes I think (the ex wife left me a message on my celfone earlier that day telling that she needs an oxford shirt, I didn't bother answering anymore. Since about a month ago, I just decided that i don't really want to be friends with her, I tried it but it's so not working for me. I only end up hurting myself more from it.. deep inside. so I just distance myself from that from now on. Try to get myself out of that situation. <this is one major big problem for me too but that's another story I might post here in VJ next time soon since i'm running out of ways to keep it to myself> After he hung up he asked me while trying to rub my hands "are you mad at me for answering the phone?".. I feel at the time, pissed but that scenario is almost always the case...nothing new there, been like that since I got here so i just replied i am not mad at you... there's nothing much I can do about it. And he took his hands away from me and again... the continued silence. I calmed down a bit. I told him "I am not mad at you... It's just that I hate that I'm in this situation. I can't do anything about it. As much as i would like to not want to be in it... that's not really reality... I guess it's just too much to ask not to talk to your ex wife, so sometimes to deal with it I just shut myself down so I don't feel as sad", coz for all the time since I came here, it never really happened even if i do sommersault its really not up to me reality is i have to face and deal with it every day. It's not really up to me. I am not the one in a relationship with his ex wife. and then again...<the one in quote i voiced out, the rest silently in my thoughts> continued silence until we got home. I walked my 2 doggies, that's also most of the time my outlet to my disappointments and frustrations here in US...brings me some joy, always put a smile on my face, makes me forget about it... my two doggies while he... as usual, gets to his computer... doing whatever... he said he's playing his game but i feel like he's doing more. I just tried to watch tv until I fell asleep around 930 pm... with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me>and woke up almost midnight..

Basically, I needed advice on what to do to get my husband to talk to me more... have an open communication with the most important man in my life. We promised each other that even before we got married but i guess it's not happening. I feel like he's so far out there, like climbing a wall just to get to his thoughts...I believe he loves me.. and at first I thought and tried accepting maybe it's just his personality. But I need him to understand that I need that too... I need to connect with him to feel satisfaction out of this marriage. Am i asking too much? OUr communication is so poor. I want to try reaching out more and I just feel like im shut down. with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me.. again.. i just feel shut down and closed from his world. I don't care if he may be watching some nasty things on there... I understand the fact that man will be man... I understand privacy and I respect that a lot. What I don't understand is the way he acts when he tries to close his computer whenever I would want to take a peek. When he wakes up in the morning and looks at it and i come close, and i could almost see his windows, he would ask me to get him coffee or water or anything to get me out of the room and close his windows down... he would only say with a smile... just to torment you...

there.. i think at least i have let go of a third of my worst frustrations in this marriage.... i can go back to sleep now... still have to wake up at 5 to get to daily routine needs in the morning.....