2005 - 2007 UK Filers *Only*

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Oh whoops, I meant maybe I'll be preggo then, not that I'm preggo now, LOL

Age is but a number....cman, let's all do this again together!

Joyce...you too! you in?

We'll probably discuss it when Mad-Ag is a year or so. I honestly don't think I'll be able to talk Jon into it, though. When I'm feeling rational, I see the many advantages of having only one kid--and this isn't even considering the sickness, pain, discomfort, and constant worry associated w/ having a baby. But the emotional side of me thinks it would be nice to have another and for Mad-Ag to have a sibling. If Jon is really and truly dead-set against it, I really have no argument. I had to talk him into having one, so I'm negotiating from a position of weakness! He adores Mad-Ag, of course, but I don't think he wants to go through all this again. I can't imagine going through another pregnancy, while holding down a job (which I hope I'll have soon) and caring for a toddler, with someone who wasn't 100% excited about it. Hmm...

[TracyTN 237]

I can't imagine that either, Empress.

I, too, see the economic advantages of having just one - plus we like to travel and do things, and I think that is a lot harder when you have two children - not to mention figuring out how to pay for college, us having some $ for retirement, etc. I'm having a hard time imagining it for just Emily. I almost think there'd be no way we could afford for two to go to college, and that's unfair.

Chas is gung ho for another, but he realizes it's not his body (after 40) that will have to pay for it. We just have to sit down and have 'the talk' which he claims I should initiate - and I am dreading it. There's just something patently un-fun about breaking a man's heart. I mean, I know he'll be fine with it but seeing as he'd like another so much, there will be an element of sadness about it. And being the one who is the dream crusher is just not something I'm rushing to do. But, I'm also not into having another baby just to make Chas happy. That's not fair to me or a baby, really.

[Fandango 1,439]

No Tracy, you're right, it's not fair to anyone really. It's a tight spot you're in. J, you too...it's tough when the couple is not in agreement as to what the next step is. I could never be gung ho about this if Scott wasn't right there with me.

I see both sides of this situation, and I think they're all valid points. I've wrestled with each reason you mentioned, Tracy. There are a LOT of benefits to being an only child...I am one, so I know what I speak of, lol. I feel that only children mature faster, (most) times have a closer relationship with his/her parents, leads a more 'affluent' life than being oh say one of three. I believe only children are usually more cultured...Let's face it, stretching $ for multiple kids is different than just one. I grew up going to movies and all the 'kid' stuf, but I also grew up going to symphonies, broadway shows, exotic and history laden holidays, etc. My parents had more time to spend with me, more time to teach me stuff, etc. I'm not sure if it would have been so feasible being one of several. It is lonely, I would assume, but I grew up with a relative 3 houses away who was only a year older than me. So luckily for me I didn't have any of that. I really didn't feel any negative aspects to being an only child, and I really cherish all the benefits of being the 'only one'.

As I am older now, I do feel like I've 'missed out' wrt being a 'true' Aunt, having a bro or sis that I can just call up and depend on. Back in my partying days, I'd always joke that I'm SOL if I ever needed a new kidney

I've weighed the decision heavily, and I really have been more on the fence than I have ever disclosed. Scott wants another, but always said it was my decision to make because I'd be the one going through it. I think he secretly shares the same concerns, but he's a very 'don't worry trust God' guy who tries not to worry about stuff he can't control.

Then on Memorial Day, we went to a BBQ @ my parents' house. We met some people who had a son who was about 14 mos or so. Well, Nick and Gabe played and omG, Nick was so happy. While I can't reproduce (no pun intended) the same scenario (Nick would be the older one obviously), I just thought of the companionship that he would have growing up, and as an adult. Our ages also played into it - as the youngest in my family, no bro or sis, and Scott's sis not planning on having children, I realize Nick will be 'alone' later in his life once we are all gone. I mean, when he's 20, I'm going to be 58! Holy smokes, my own mother isn't even 60 yet.

I still am concerned that we're tempting fate by having another...I feel we were SO BLESSED (THANK GOD!) for the easy-ish pregnancy (in comparison to others'), the fact that he's healthy...I feel like we hit the Lotto jackpot. But even aside from Nick's benefits, we would like to try for a girl anyway. So all our concerns will have to be faced on and tackled....I'm going to spend the summer getting into the best shape I can, we've gone on a HUGE financial diet for savings, and pretty much the clock is ticking so I don't have much time to spare. I hated being pregnant. I'm not sure if I would have the same opinion on the second go, after realizing how very precious it all was. I focused more on the inconvenience of it all, the discomfort, the heat!, etc. Maybe I'd have more patience next time? Who knows!

Yesterday, my mom and I went shopping...of course I went into the baby section and bought some stuff for Nick. I passed the little girls' stuff and oohed and ahhed. My mom was like 'what are you doing?' So that's when I told her 'We're going to have another baby' and it really surprised me that I automatically was so definite about it. It's like you said with that poll....what's the automatic gut response? Well, that was mine, lol.

I don't know why I'm chuntering on so much about this, but in actuality, I feel better for having written it. It's quite cathartic for some reason.

Edited June 9, 2011 by Anita Cocktail

[TracyTN 237]

I really appreciate you sharing ALL of that, esp. as I am struggling with this. Even though I sound quite definite, I am still sometimes plagued with 'are you doing the right thing?' type of thoughts. I don't think I'll be truly firm about it unless/until I talk to Chas about it. Wish I could get over being scared about it because we would probably have already had the conversation otherwise.

It comforts me to hear the 'benefits' you describe of life as an 'only'. The reasons you suggest for having another are all things I see as 'pros' for giving Em a sibling.

I do have a ('real') niece and nephew. They're a bit older than Em (14 years!) but I know that they'll always be there for her even if Chas or I are not. If Emily is anything like either of her parents, making friends will not be difficult for her, nor will she have trouble making and keeping a lifelong friend (or two). Chas' sister does not have kids (and is past her child bearing years), but as they're in England anyway, that wouldn't factor in for me even if she did.

Ultimately, I want to do what is right for US as a family. Yes, I would love for Emily to have a 'built in playmate' and all those good things; but given our ages (40 and 46), our financial situation (obviously we're not broke, but Chas has NO retirement $ to speak of) and the lifestyle we want to live, it just does not seem feasible.

Not to mention the risks involved in carrying a child over 40 - and that I hated being pg. LOL.

[Fandango 1,439]

Great article

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2002382,00.html

would have been nice to put the link in the first time, and to get the date right as well, lol

Edited June 9, 2011 by Anita Cocktail

[TracyTN 237]

Really great! It was actually relieving to read what I've been thinking, but have had trouble expressing. Mainly "we talk about the idea that to be good parents, we have to be happy people. How we determine our happiness and our daughter's will be based on the love we feel for her and the realities — both joyful and trying — of what a larger family would mean."

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

*bump*

Resurfacing in the UK forum after months in the rapids of P&R to say... I'm in love!

It's all very new and weird for that, but I just wanted to poke my head above the parapet and say that my two years in the wilderness (and one year of madcap and actually quite fun dating) have finally paid off in the nice little dividend of my awesome boyfriend, Shane. He's my age, from Memphis originally, and is a part-time chocolatier who is working on going from cacao bean to delicious chocolate bar. (He has a real job too, which my mom is happy about.) On our first date, he came over to my apartment and made me filet mignon in a red wine and shallot reduction, with spinach and bacon on the side, and finished with hand-dipped (at the table) strawberries in chocolate with champagne to wash it down. That he rolled up on a motorcycle as well with all these fixins in his messenger bag only made it BETTER.

I'm a little bummed now, because he's away for the next two weeks or so on tour with his punk band in venues around the south and midwest, but it's a little assuaged by our gagworthy regular texts stating our syrupy love for each other. *barf* And the ####### has even made me -- in the very, very, tiniest way -- start thinking about maybe moving in with him at some point in the long-term. In the meantime, he's going to move to my neighbourhood to be closer to me, and so we can start thinking about the future.

God forbid I ever break my vow never to produce a bun, but between us we could make a Irish-Basque-Mexican-Belgian-Scottish-Korean-German-English baby. Who knows what that might look like.

WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MAVEN?

[Krikit 1,163]

That is AWESOME, Maven!!! I am so so happy for you. I really want an invite to dinner now. lol

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

That is AWESOME, Maven!!! I am so so happy for you. I really want an invite to dinner now. lol

Thanks, Krikit! He also makes a wicked pork chop... But he doesn't wear stilettos while cooking it.

Funny thing is, he used to dress up as a girl for his gigs as part of his stage persona (thank goodness he's back to black t-shirts and Dickies). I have seen pictures... oh dear. Some men can carry off a rah-rah skirt, pink crop top and hair and pigtails, and some can't. However, he did tell me that he regularly got more female attention onstage in that get-up than the other guys did. I suppose that he regularly brought homemade chocolates to gigs to give to girls probably helped too.