Living Together

[thetreble 19]

Which is very admirable and I think maybe if kids were involved in my situation it would make me look at things differently.

Maybe I'm really a man inside? Or maybe I am just not strong enough to deal with certain things and would rather leave them and..well.. leave.

I believe every one deals with things differently and the way we deal with things has a lot to do with our nurturing. I'm a lot like my dad..I just want peace and no one to bother me. I'm easily bothered. So, maybe it has to do with me seeing that I'd rather be alone and hear not a pin drop, then someone trying to argue with me.

All this said, I really love my husband and I like our life. I have no reason to move on...(yet) haha

[DeadPoolX 9]

Hmmm.... before my wife and I moved in together, there were a few things we hadn't discovered about each other while on your visits.

For instance, my wife is obsessive about clutter. I don't mean she wants a few items put away. When we try to watch a movie, she'll get up -- in the middle -- and start fixing the blinds or adjusting our DVDs or organizing our Wiimotes! She'll also start cleaning out of nowhere. I can't even see the dirt or dust she's talking about! That wouldn't be so bad, but her obsession with clutter is a little much. If something is on the floor (like a box) or an object isn't perfectly aligned, so what? Is it really worth getting worked up about it?

As for me, my wife says I'm "unobservant." This is probably due to the fact I don't have the same clutter and cleaning tendencies she does. I'm also more social than she is. I'm not going out partying or anything, but I'm much more outgoing. My wife is more of an introvert and gets overstimulated by noise and crowds after a while.

I wonder if that's why she hates talking in front of a crowd. I don't have a problem with it; in fact, I enjoy it. Again, I'm not shy at all, whereas my wife can be quite shy.

[Sprailenes 47]

I don’t know, I believe in counseling though for certain people. Finding a good counselor can be difficult and I could see how that would make you think less of them. Which is fine.

At 13 years old I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and I did take medication for a VERY short period time, I also attended counseling for many years because what happened to me wasn’t something I could fix for myself. No matter how hard I tried, sometimes people go through things they just can't fix it by themselves and need that extra person there to help them sort it all out.

When you finally are able to stand on your own though, it does feel great, and I never planned on going to counselling forever, and I don't think I could go to counselling forever, but I know people who do.

I look at counselling like emotional and mental welfare, its there to help you out, but not to live off of.

On relationships...

I am one who doesn't believe in happy ever after and I don't believe in forever either. I believe in the now. I may be with Mike in 50 years and maybe I won't be. I love him now and thats really what matters. A lot of people tell me that makes me a negative person, but I just think I'm realistic... in my mind anyways.

[DeadPoolX 9]

I am one who doesn't believe in happy ever after and I don't believe in forever either. I believe in the now. I may be with Mike in 50 years and maybe I won't be. I love him now and thats really what matters. A lot of people tell me that makes me a negative person, but I just think I'm realistic... in my mind anyways.

My grandparents have been married for well over 50 years and my grandmother said to me, "We're still adjusting to each other."

[Emancipation 2]

ha ha .. i'm in a marriage class right now and most of the people are in successful happy marriages that are 25+ years old and they all say they are looking to learn new skills and are still adjusting and changing to their partner & their lives together. No rest for the weary it appears!

[Sprailenes 47]

I am one who doesn't believe in happy ever after and I don't believe in forever either. I believe in the now. I may be with Mike in 50 years and maybe I won't be. I love him now and thats really what matters. A lot of people tell me that makes me a negative person, but I just think I'm realistic... in my mind anyways.

My grandparents have been married for well over 50 years and my grandmother said to me, "We're still adjusting to each other."

Its true. You're constantly learning, marriage is an adventure that is for sure.

[Sprailenes 47]

I have considered attending counseling with my husband in the past. In Canada we did attend counseling together with my mom, because well, they got into a huge altercation once and my mother who does counsel people for a living, decided that it was the only option for her to talk to him about what had happened.

It was an extremely stressful period in our lives, and shortly after it happened Mike left Canada and we began the process to move down here. It’s still awkward for me at family events, but Mike and mom seem over it, however I still find it awkward perhaps because I am on the outside looking in.

[SapphireDreams 71]

^^ That's an interesting interpretation.

I believe that marriage is forever. I don't think that I would ever live with anyone unless I knew I would marry them. I also don't think that I would get married unless I knew it was forever. We are both Catholic and we both have the same values and beliefs so lucky for us, it works out nicely. I think that living with someone will definitely show someone in a different light then just dating, but at the same time a relationship is a relationship. R and I have been dating long distance for 5.5 years. We have never even lived in the same city, let along the same house and I think just taking the time to date, get to know eachother and just clicking has made it obvious that we will be fine when we are together. I mean nothing is a guarantee, living together or not... so for us knowing that we had an immigration hurdle... we waited until we knew we were ready for marriage. We waited a long time and I don't regret one second of it. I feel like you just know when you are ready, the relationship matures to a stage that feels right... no matter what the circumstances. In my opinion, marriages fail if they don't reach the point of maturity successfully - they didn't wait long enough to get married in the first place, got married to soon and then figured out they weren't a match while already married. This is just my opinion though, I'm sure its not right for everyone.

I mean for obvious reasons, there will always be a chance for divorce, but as a Catholic, in the eyes of the church, Robin and I will be married forever and I take that very seriously. We have both discussed at length what we will do if we have marriage troubles and we have both agreed that counselling is definitely something we would both consider and believe in. I believe that marriage is very hard work and we are in for a long journey ahead of us, and at times, it's okay if we need a counselor to help us get through a tough time. I don't consider myself naive or unrealistic at all, I'm just willing to fight for our marriage until it kills me. Marriage for us is not about compromise, because one person is never happy with a compromise. It is about acceptance. So I believe that as long as the couple is on the same page about everything - whether that means leaving if they are unhappy, no counselling etc. then the marriage will work for them.

I have a friend whose husband just left her out of the blue because he said he just wasn't into the marriage anymore. She said they had some communication issues but really nothing enough to get a divorce. She was and still in crazy in love with him. It really blows my mind that only after 1.5 years of marriage he would just walk away like that and that they never discussed what they would do if someone wanted to leave. He says it was all a mistake and he didn't realize it until then. She is just completely heart broken. Who really knows... everyone is so different.

So anyways, to answer your question... I don't think living together before marriage is necessary at all. I believe that ensuring that the relationship is at the right stage is most important.

[Sprailenes 47]

I hope I will still be with Mike, right now I can't picture him not being there.

I know that if something happened, Mike would be the guy I will love always regardless.

I never knew what people meant by that but now I do.

[JillA 2]

Hmmm.... before my wife and I moved in together, there were a few things we hadn't discovered about each other while on your visits.

For instance, my wife is obsessive about clutter. I don't mean she wants a few items put away. When we try to watch a movie, she'll get up -- in the middle -- and start fixing the blinds or adjusting our DVDs or organizing our Wiimotes! She'll also start cleaning out of nowhere. I can't even see the dirt or dust she's talking about! That wouldn't be so bad, but her obsession with clutter is a little much. If something is on the floor (like a box) or an object isn't perfectly aligned, so what? Is it really worth getting worked up about it?

As for me, my wife says I'm "unobservant." This is probably due to the fact I don't have the same clutter and cleaning tendencies she does. I'm also more social than she is. I'm not going out partying or anything, but I'm much more outgoing. My wife is more of an introvert and gets overstimulated by noise and crowds after a while.

I wonder if that's why she hates talking in front of a crowd. I don't have a problem with it; in fact, I enjoy it. Again, I'm not shy at all, whereas my wife can be quite shy.

Yes! It's called OCD and I can relate to your wife

[Sprailenes 47]

Hmmm.... before my wife and I moved in together, there were a few things we hadn't discovered about each other while on your visits.

For instance, my wife is obsessive about clutter. I don't mean she wants a few items put away. When we try to watch a movie, she'll get up -- in the middle -- and start fixing the blinds or adjusting our DVDs or organizing our Wiimotes! She'll also start cleaning out of nowhere. I can't even see the dirt or dust she's talking about! That wouldn't be so bad, but her obsession with clutter is a little much. If something is on the floor (like a box) or an object isn't perfectly aligned, so what? Is it really worth getting worked up about it?

As for me, my wife says I'm "unobservant." This is probably due to the fact I don't have the same clutter and cleaning tendencies she does. I'm also more social than she is. I'm not going out partying or anything, but I'm much more outgoing. My wife is more of an introvert and gets overstimulated by noise and crowds after a while.

I wonder if that's why she hates talking in front of a crowd. I don't have a problem with it; in fact, I enjoy it. Again, I'm not shy at all, whereas my wife can be quite shy.

Yes! It's called OCD and I can relate to your wife

Moi aussi

[thetreble 19]

I am one who doesn't believe in happy ever after and I don't believe in forever either. I believe in the now. I may be with Mike in 50 years and maybe I won't be. I love him now and thats really what matters. A lot of people tell me that makes me a negative person, but I just think I'm realistic... in my mind anyways.

This is pretty much what I think. I think forever is a concept that humans have created to please the hearts of idealists. I think it is hard to find realistic people now a days. There are people out there who aren't naive but are still unrealistic as well. Some times, things just don't work out for whatever reasons. Just because I wouldn't ruin my whole life to save my marriage, doesn't mean I don't love my husband. Ever see that show Intervention on A & E where one spouse is highly addicted to drugs or alcohol and the other sacrifices everything, including their kids, to try and "help" their significant other?? They end up in debt with no jobs, emotional wrecks who can't be there for their children. I'll watch that and be like.."wow, you are nuts..what are you doing to yourself and your children?"

Just my opinion, really. There are just some situations that are beyond fixing in my opinion. My husband is well aware that the second he does something like lay a hand on me, cheat or lie...I'm out of there, back to Canada and back to living the life I want to lead.

[SapphireDreams 71]

My theory is that something can be forever because nothing is impossible. May I am unrealistic, but that doesn't bother me in the least but I take the sacrement of marriage as an intent of forever.

I do think that most people enter a marriage with the intent of forever... but anything could happen in the next 50+ years... so while forever isn't always true for everyone... it's not necessarily untrue either. I suppose I just like to look at the glass as half full (i hate that saying, but makes sense in this case!)

I do agree that anything extreme and serious like cheating, abuse etc etc. is 100% unforgivable and those things break a forever pact.

[JillA 2]

I'm of the opinion that nothing is forever, including marriage.... While I'd love to believe this marriage will be forever, who knows what can happen in 20 years. I am happy in a good place now, but people and situations change. That's why I'd never lead myself to believe it's forever happily ever after, 'cause it's not. If my husband cheated on me I wouldn't forgive him, I'd divorce in a heartbeat. There are some things that are unforgivable IMO and I hold grudges, if he did something horrible I couldn't get past that. He knows it too. Not that I'm expecting anything to happen with us and I do hope we never get divorced because who wants that? But I know it's always possible.

[JillA 2]

A few examples that come to mind is the NY govenor Spitzer that slept with that callgirl, and his wife stood by his side while he admit being a cheating pig and she smiled frozenly and they are still together. I could never forgive that, sorry buddy. Divorce court here we come! The other public one I can think of is this evangelical dude, can't recall his name but he's famous in that area. Well he slept with a bunch of dudes, even though he believes being gay is "wrong" in his religion but he did it anyway. The public found out, his wife stayed by his side and now he claims to be "cured" of his homosexuality. Are you kidding me dude??!! If I was his wife I would have hit the road a long time ago. That's just me of course!