In a tizzy

After 5 pages of warnings, it looks like nothing really changed at all Point made.

I wish you both the very best, hon.

Thanks HUN, that's exactly what I am trying to avoid.... everyone's opinionated comments.

Opinions are like bu-t holes and everyone has them. It stinks.

All I wanted was contact info, available recourses, and PRECISELY the Customs & Border Patrol's phone number.

I'm satisfied. No need to explain my rationale or the outcome.

E.

what does that mean?? so after all we been through together your not gonna tell us how it ends??

Dan & Jenni,

Yep, All's done with and is in my favor. I've learned that the less I say the better, as of VERY recently. This is who I am. I take info, process it, then move on. No offense.

All in honesty, I have learned NOT to "throw the baby out with the bath water." I've learned that LIFE will be full of surprises, regardless. I've learned to expect the unexpected (as of lately). I've learned to TAKE everything with a grain of salt, make my own bed, put on big girl panties, roll with the punches, don't eat where I poop, and take life by its horns. I'm not the running away kind. I've learned as Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're gonna get."

My first marriage was supposedly be a dream, PERFECT BLISS, harmonious at best, our arguments were short-lived, but it was a nightmare that I could not quiet pinpoint what the problem was. The beneficiary is 100% on the TOTAL opposite of the spectrum with my ex.

He is ignorant with USA customs/culture/etc, just as I am with HIS culture/customs/etc.

E

Well,

I spoke with the Embassy and all's in my favor.

Moving on.

Closing this thread.

Thank you guys again.

E

Sorry, the typical comment was regarding the whole people warning someone and the person giving various reasons as to why these red flags are OK in their situation. It sucks to hear people come down on your relationship and it makes one defensive, but there is often not really a "nice" way to break that kind of news.

Exactly my sentiments.

However, I feel rest assured with all the information I have at hand as supplied by the VJ'ers, i.e. phone nbr, contact info, what do to next has really helped the situation.

I may be ignorant in terms of religion, ways of life, etc, but am TRULY ignorant with the visa processes. That's why I am here.

Msheesha has made a good point about the thread not making sense as it goes along. She's right. I've got all I need now.

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if this has been said already.

I'm confused as to what it is that you want to happen. All the red flags that you have put up would have me running in the other direction. I doubt that there is anything that you can say or do to make him change. At the same time, I get the feeling that you want to be armed with as much information as you can get so that if he comes here and it does not work out then you will be protected. Have you ventured over to the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum? If he comes here without you being 110% certain that things are going to work out you are asking for more trouble that it is worth.

EXACTLY, Zee Bee!

"I doubt that there is anything that you can say or do to make him change. At the same time, I get the feeling that you want to be armed with as much information as you can get so that if he comes here and it does not work out then you will be protected."

This is what I am doing RIGHT now.

Thanks again and I will most definitely look into the Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum.

Oh dear lord...for an articulate and intelligent sounding woman you are incredibly naive. I can't exactly blame you for that I guess. You really haven't a clue about what you're getting yourself into. Him signing a prenup isn't going to protect you from this guy if he turns into the nightmare that so many others before you have experienced.

I forgot...

Mithra, you have a BEAUTIFUL baby! Just precious!

God bless.

e

Oh dear lord...for an articulate and intelligent sounding woman you are incredibly naive. I can't exactly blame you for that I guess. You really haven't a clue about what you're getting yourself into. Him signing a prenup isn't going to protect you from this guy if he turns into the nightmare that so many others before you have experienced.

Yep, I've been TOLD that I'm a naive, but am not. I've been told I sound like a little girl (soft and all) but am not.

I sought information and resources and this is what I really needed: the resources, contact information, and IMPORTANT numbers to call and all that. Which I thank so many of them for supplying it at this moment. Because, I am the one who has to make up my own bed. (It's an idiom) and it is ME going to be ready to make those phone calls.

Keep in mind, the embassy and I have an appointment on Tuesday and that's tomorrow.

Em

This is the most baffling to me. If it were me, I'd mug somebody for a cell phone if I had to in order to get the word back to my fiance.

(moderators - I am not advocating illegal actions )

He will tell me everything tonight. This will happen tonight. Then my embassy inquiry is the next day. He is a man that follows things BLACK/WHITE, very obedient to the LAW and rules, FOLLOWS deadlines and time frames and all.

Whereas, me, everything is pastels, swirls, infinite, and whenever.

I am so confused. OP, you are keeping the authorities' contact information in your back pocket, and also preparing to go through with the marriage with a pre-nup "as a back up"? I might be misunderstanding something in your thought process, but are you really still considering marriage to a man with whom you think you must contact the embassy and keep the contact info of C&BP?

I'm just not sure I understand. It seems to me that it would make sense to say, "I realized I made a horrible mistake in this relationship, and I'm armed with the information about CBP and I've contacted the embassy, and I'm going to make sure this man doesn't come to the U.S. and become my financial burden." Or, it would make sense to say, "I've thought things over and I don't think he's as bad as I made him sound, I'm really excited about starting our lives together." We may not all agree, but it would make sense. But what I'm understanding here is kind of a mix of both: "I think I may need to try to have the authorities keep him from entering the country, but just in case, it's okay, because if he finds his way here I'll sign a pre-nup before I go through marriage with him." I'm sure I'm misinterpreting somewhere?

MMMM to be honest with you. You put it so well together. I'll have to think about that one.

He and I are gonna be talking tonight and it ain't gonna be about "love" or "Islam".

E

go and read it carefully

saying hit your wifes don't mean smoking her in his faces or being so bad, a lot off Imam explain it I advice you to read before you talk.

are you a man or a woman so I will explain some things

In our Islam it's says every where that's the women should be so nice to her husband and caring and supporting and to be patient and LISTEN TO HER HUSBAND and she can change him as she want, she is like a earth for him

and man should be caring and support his wife he is responsible of all his expenses(food, clothes, travels....), what ever she want he is the responsible to pay for, when the husband is not around than his fathers the fathers is not around than his brothers, than uncles......always some one will take care of our woman we are living like a keen.

Think about if two people want to drive a care of course it's will be in accident so this how the marriage is, only one person will be the leather and it's the husband.

Now I was reading that's some people in USA and europ are making course for marriage people teaching them how to be happy in their marriage and how they can help their marriage to not be destroyed.

look at this and compare between what they advice them and what we have in SUNNA. THE SAME THINGS

I respect your opinion I didn't wanted to replay you but I feel that's this is my responsibility to explain what is islam for people who they don't understand the meaning of real islam, I know that's a lot off people are giving bad name to islam by calling them-self muslim and they don't know the real islam so Iam sure it's not your fault but please read more about it and you will find what I am saying and you will have the real answers for all the question.

Islam is one Sunna is one and really there is no salafi jihadi or shi3a or..... a lot off thing happened and a lot off fitna was created to hide the real islam, and it's not our fault. be sue that's no muslim hit her wifes and the people whom you saw hiting their wifes even they are misunderstanding islam as a lot of people are or they are muslim by NAME.

You're right. Abuse does happen regardless of race, color, religion, age, education.

I've seen where silence can be so much more damaging than a hit.

It only goes to show that I still have A LOT to learn and am now on guard for anything at the moment.

I have a phone conference with the Embassy on Tuesday.

So, hold your horses.

All's gonna be fine.

E

How do I say this gently? I don't think I can so here it goes. He's using you. What in the world does a twenty something guy who can likely get married to any 18-20 year old Algerian girl want with a 40 year old deaf woman? I'm not being mean or picking on you, but you have to think about this. This is the biggest issue I see. How do you communicate? Does he know sign language? Is he planning on learning sign language? You cannot type/chat to eachother when he's in your home and if you're having communication difficulties now it will only get worse when you don't have those tools to help.

I've not heard one single mention of emotion or of love between you two. All I can see is you arguing with yourself about not accepting his behavior and then in the next post you accepting it until the last moment. Do you realize how crazy this all sounds?

And, all the BS that he's talking about is typical cultural Algerian #######. Most of my BILs aren't very religious. They vary from practicing to not practicing at all. And a few in the middle who pray and fast but that's about it. Each and every one of them though try to shield the women in the family in the same way you described. They don't tell people their first names, they do the haggling in the market for them, and they'd knock some guy out if he was smiling/talking to one of them. The problem is that they have no exposure to the outside world. This is the way it is for most people. That's how they were raised and they go with it. My husband lived abroad just enough years(1995 to present) to rid himself of enough of these habits to not make him a controlling #######. I think these are huge warning signs that you should not ignore. If you aren't really prepared to live the rest of your relationship this way then he should stay there. Take him as he is or don't take him at all. When you plan on changing someones behavior you will be the loser.

Momof1 ,

You're so right about "knocking their teeth out" if a man was approaching me. That's happened and I've seen it, not once, but a few times in various places. Bus, street, cafe house.

Your husband is fortunate enough to shed that exterior and turn into a much better man (I hope).

No offense about me being 40, I know it's bizarre. I've been told I look 25. The Youtube post makes me LOOK OLDER and FATTER But who cares. You're right, I could be an easy target and I am very aware about it.

Well, you are the first to ask me how we communicated. He has a deaf cousin and signs Algerian which has a very common thread with French Sign Language. Ironically, American Sign Language is derived from France by 60%! So, it was easy communicating with him.

He has ambitions and that is to learn the FORMAL linguisitcs of signs. He wants to become an interpreter for Deaf Muslim Men. Presently there are only 5 certified female deaf muslim women, and the deaf men feel awkward using their services when having meetings with imam.

Me, my adjunct position twice a week after my full time job, I teach Linguistics of American Sign Language to future interpreters.

I do have ambitions of one day... opening up resource centers for the Deaf and deaf-blind children in developing countries. Peru is pretty much set up. Then I went to Algeria to travel and meet the deaf cousin, she introduced me to HIM. That's sort of how we met... I visited the areas and found resources to be very bare minimum and very inaccessible. I have ambitions to open resource centers there and outreach programs (non-profit).

So, when this whole thing snapped as of 2 days before his interview... I just wanted to be armed and ready with resources and be prepared.

Speaking of "lack of emotions", I try to keep the genuine feelings out of topic so I can focus on what availability of resources are out there.

Now I have it on hand, I am going to go meet with DOVE (Domestic Violence Center for women) and Deafdawn.org and share such information with them so THEY can have it ready for THEM as well.

Seattle has a GREAT GREAT center for the Deaf women www.adwas.org.

It's just that this whole thing was so NEW to me and felt lost for a moment.

Sorry for babbling.

E

Girl, this is one seriously f'd up situation. You're going to let some frickin' 25-year old dude control you? And you're 40?!? Get the hell out! You must be high! Or, he must be smoking some really good stuff. Some tool who has no real world experience, no relationship experience and probably no real employment background either is going to get your love? He sounds like a child, a petulant one at that. I think you need a real man, and just because some guy has a ####### doesn't mean that he's got to come out with himself all high on testosterone trying to put you in your place.

Because of your deafness, you are a woman with special needs. And please know, I'm not a stranger to section 504 and ADA compliance as I deal with accessibility issues in my work everyday. Thus, for you to even remotely consider marrying someone who cannot acknowledge that your world is vastly different than his, because he can hear and you cannot, you, my dear, are setting yourself up for failure. I'd be running as far away from this misogynistic idiot as fast as I could.

Clarification, he's not smoking nor am I. Yep, I'm 40 and proud of it.

By the way, your post just made me laugh so hard that coffee came right out of my nostrils (no offense), but the way you've describe him as a petulant child.

I am by no means an easy pushover, or a door mat for him to walk on. My older post had already mentioned that.

What I REALLY wanted was the arsenal of information which I already got now, the contact info for CBP, Embassy, and etc etc etc. Now, I have a full card of resources to go from there.

post with caution....

Thanks.... I appreciate it.

I think the OP has been given really good advice. What she does with it is entirely up to her. I keep coming back to read in hopes that she had her eyes open to what everyone has said. Its sad when people are given really accurate advice & it gets thrown to the wind.

I really hope for the best for you Em, & IMO-that doesnt include him.

Oh & Stacie & Momof1 ... you ladies post rock!

PalmTreeGurl,

Yes, I feel assured that I have enough information to go from there, especially having the Customs & Border Patrol's contact info, the Embassy has been contacted, and the beneficiary has been contacted.

Moreover, I have already been in contact with a lawyer that specializes in sharia marriage contract/pre-nup of some sort (AS a back up).

Many of those solid advices I recieved have been duly noted

Thank you again. E

Thank God somebody said this.

By the way, want to know what I've never referred to my husband as? A "Salafist Jihadist." Want to know what never comes to mind when we're arguing? His "Arab male Islamic supremacy."

I guess things things get spoken out of when under stress....

People can call me deaf and dumb behind my back and I wouldn't know it

Salafist Jihadist is something I learned and used it in my argument when I was told not to look at people when having a conversation which is IMPOSSIBLE because I am deaf and MUST use my eyes.

It's something I am NOT going to be able to live with, NOT feasible. He has to know that and that is why I brought up that term.

E

I am curious....you said you were much older than he is...by how much if you don't mind me asking? If you think that is off topic then feel free to ignore my question...no offense will be taken.

It's simple.

He's 25 and I'm 40. Why do you ask?

I'm his first, and he's my 2nd.

I've been around muslim people in US and generally they are more laid back, congenial, etc. But, over there in Algeria, it paints a different picture.

I have LOTS of Deaf USA muslim friends and we use our eyes for our communication and freely use our expressions. That's something I have yet to see in Algeria and not yet ever met a Deaf person over there.

Wait! I did at the Houari Boumediene. There were 3 Deaf Algerian male employees there at the airport. Come to think of it, we did have a conversation and introduced ourselves. It has to be a deaf thing so... I dunno if this helps.

Are you Algerian?

Not me, the beneficiary is yes.

E. If you truly did contact the embassy in time and they did get your message about your reservations then it is over. I'm sorry E. It is done and there is no going forward. It is difficult to come out of something like this when it is made a mess of. I can't count the times I've seen this freak out happen pre-interview and it's done. I hope that you may be able to move forward from this and let him go. There have been those that have attempted to undo what they've done to give it a chance and move forward but I've never seen it be undone successfully and things move forward from here. I wish you all the best for you future without him. If they did have the interview and didn't have your information in time then there may still be a chance but it is doubtful either way in the 11th hour.

Yep, it's the freaking out part that got to him and me not seeing the BIG picture. I know it's no excuse...

I have NO experience with this "visa" thing and my firsthand experience with arabic culture was when I went to meet him and his family.

I am his first love, his first EVERYTHING... He's young with zero experience in "relationship" sense and I am much older.

I checked his phone records, ZERO female friends. Mine? I have plethora of male friends (work, college related). I can imagine if I was in his shoes, I would be miffed if there were opposite genders on the phone that I did not know of.

I am just going to have to reiterate with him that I am NOT going to change something I cannot and will ONLY improve on what I CAN change then have him PONDER on that.

Talk about cultural clash and the lack of aforethought. I underplayed my hand (I did not say much about my "life", and he overplayed his).

He and I have MORE serious talking on how to address this matter. I do plan to tell him what I have in mind so to be CLEAR with him that I am NOT taking this lightly.

E

that's not even remotely close to what sunnah means. nor is it how over a thousand years of islamic scholarship and science has claimed is the only way to live as an authentic, practicing muslim. do whatever the bloodyhell you want with your relationship, but at least realize it looks pretty silly the way you keep misappropriating religious terms and whatnot with these half-baked and off the wall conclusions you keep coming to. like mithra told you above, this aint about islam.

Strong words you have here. Well, pardon my ignorance for misinterpreting the meaning of sunna. I'm looking at myself saying, I have A LOT to learn.

You're right, it isn't about islam.

You write several times of God's plan for you and how it will play out. God's plan for you could be for you to start owning your life, and taking action in your best interests. If you really want to live in the 7th century, God isn't going to stop you or fix it for you.

So true. My argumentative point with folks who declare themselves to follow SUNNA contradict themselves especially when they live in "standard" homes, driving cars, using electrical appliances.... To follow sunna would be "living in a tent with no running water, no electricity, no zipper, no electric appliances, and etc" and use a camel for transport.

That kinda baffles me. This is the 21st century and I don't see places that are "camel friendly" or "camel-ready."

No offense to ANYONE.

Perhaps they told him about tentative approval so as not to enrage him and until they speak with you - tentative can go to denied due to lack of bonafides or your withdrawal of petition (no petition, no visa to issue).

Good luck and keep us posted!

AHH That explains! Thank you again.

Fellas,

News just came in. As bizarre as it is.... his fiance visa is tentatively approved, not even an APS, not even a denial.

They are holding the results until I am reached. The embassy is in possession of his passport.

Bizarre, that there's no APS on him!?

Nevertheless, I pretty much know what to do next. I have avenues and resources. I KNOW I have the POWER NOT to marry him. In that case, I'm getting a refundable one way ticket for any case of SNAFU.

Someone inboxed me and said for me to "take" him to many functions as possible, MEET ALL my family in various settings as possible, meet my FRIENDS (males / females), and DECIDE on the 89th day, whether he needs to go back or not.

ALSO, I am getting a pre-nup written up... FOR PLAN C. I'm divorced and KNOW this now a PRE-NUP is a MUST.

Excuse me, I need to go and get busy, back in the tizzy.

I don't know how good the communications infrastructure is in Algeria, but I have to think you would have heard from him by now. You always read of folks contacting their dearly beloved with their interview results from almost every country.

Hopefully they got your message and acted accordingly. As hard as it will be on you in the short term, it's always better to dodge the bullet.

I so concur with you.

There are SO many things that due to my Deafness/Deafhood, it is IMPOSSIBLE to be in COMPLETE compliance with the "sunna"/"hadith" especially with forbidding ANY kind of public facial expressions and "the looking down" when in presence of men.

Those are the two things that I AM UNABLE to adapt, UNABLE to change, ALL because I am deaf and USE my eyes and facial expressions are a part of the Deaf Linguistics.

I've already attempted to seek out middle ground and etc and already got lashed on fast.

More to come.

E

From what I have read about your case, there would seem to be a very very small chance of him getting a visa, without all this.

Boiler, he is a MENA male, which means he'll get APS or the likes of it. So... you're probably right on the nose: "even without all this"...

Embassy emailed me and said they will schedule a phone appointment with me. End of message. Their email messages are always SO succinct, concise, and to the point. I know nothing more further than this.

Waiting to hear the outcome of the interview. It's been 7 hours past his appointed hour and now still no response from him. I'm still in the dark.

E

E. If you truly did contact the embassy in time and they did get your message about your reservations then it is over. I'm sorry E. It is done and there is no going forward. It is difficult to come out of something like this when it is made a mess of. I can't count the times I've seen this freak out happen pre-interview and it's done. I hope that you may be able to move forward from this and let him go. There have been those that have attempted to undo what they've done to give it a chance and move forward but I've never seen it be undone successfully and things move forward from here. I wish you all the best for you future without him. If they did have the interview and didn't have your information in time then there may still be a chance but it is doubtful either way in the 11th hour.

Jinny,

Yes, you're right. I am willing to accept whichever decision comes out. I just hope the embassy contacts me SOON.

I've learned... no matter what, everything will be ok, regardless of the outcome.

Em

You write several times of God's plan for you and how it will play out. God's plan for you could be for you to start owning your life, and taking action in your best interests. If you really want to live in the 7th century, God isn't going to stop you or fix it for you.

Exactly... talk about a conundrum.

CBP Questions/Customer Service contact information

TDD: 1-866-880-6582

This would probably be the best place to start should it become necessary for you to contract CBP.

YES! Thank you... Just what I REALLY need. It feels like purgatory right now, the waiting part....