CaptainRubyHeart

An illegal immigrant broke into my home in February and tried to sexually assault me. He didn't succeed (I fought back, which scared the **** out of him), and my husband chased him down the stairs as he was trying to run away from me. Anyway, in the midst of trying to wrestle with my husband (who is very muscular), the creep got thrown into a wall and there was a man-shaped hole there for a while.

The creep is in jail and I'm fine (nothing actually happened to me), but we had to pay for the wall to get fixed. I could take the creep to small claims court to try to get reimburesed, but I'm willing to bet he will have hopped back over the border the moment he gets out of prison.

Oh, yeah, do it yourself. I'm a big worrywart, too, and I'm super nit-picky about details (I'm a technical editor). I did my husband's AOS and EAD paperwork by myself. The whole process took me about a week: three days to psych myself up to do it, one day to make a little checklist and gather most of the documentation, one day to fill out all the forms and gather the REST of the documentation, and two days to check, make corrections, recheck, throw a little temper tantrum because the neighbors were playing music outside while I was trying to concentrate, make more corrections, check again, make final corrections, and finally to use my little Hello Kitty sticky "flags" to label the different attachments to the form.

You know what? After all that drama, checking, rechecking, etc., I STILL made a mistake! I wrote our marriage date in wrong. I didn't discover it until several days after my husband received his permanent resident card in the mail and I was filing all his paperwork. Apparently, USCIS didn't notice, either.

Tomorrow morning, my husband is leaving to go back to see his family in Canada for three weeks. This will be the first time he's gone back since he first moved down here. I never really liked the idea of his going back to Canada for what I consider to be a sort of long period of time, but I've tried to just sort of deal with it. My head knows that it's the right thing for him--he misses his family a ton--but my heart doesn't agree with his decision to be there so freaking long. I would have loved to go with him, but I have work obligations that prevent me from doing so.

When he first mentioned the idea of going back up to Canada, I thought it would only be for a week, maybe two weeks. When he told me it would be three weeks, I was really surprised and told him I thought it was too long a time and reminded him that in his absence, it's now up to me to single-handedly run our household and work full time. Long story short--he refused to budge on the time period, and I ultimately just backed off (it was a losing battle).

Like I mentioned, I've tried to just sort of deal with it--and I've done a pretty good job for a while, I think--but I just lost it today. I spent most of the day bawling. My husband gets that I'm upset, but he really wants to be with his family. And I don't want to put a huge guilt cloud over his head while he's up in Canada.

Still, I can't help but feel really bitter about this. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. We're married and are supposed to be equal partners, but as his departure to Canada gets closer, the feelings of getting desparingly lonely while he's gone, not to mention, having all the household responsibility "dumped" on me while he goes off and has a grand old time for three weeks, is getting more and more tactile. I DON'T want to resent my husband, I understand that he really needs to see his family, and there's no way I'd tell him to cancel his trip or cut it short. I'm just going to have to deal with it, try to stay positive, and do my absolute best to come to terms with it so as not hold it against him when he gets back.

Sorry for the length of this post. I guess I just needed to vent. Has anyone been in my shoes? Is it normal to feel this way, or am I being a total you-know-what? You can be honest; I have a thick skin (after all, I am an editor)!

Thanks in advance for your replies.

Thanks for the replies! He does have a bank account already, but money is a little tight right now (will be better week after next) so neither of us has much spending money at the moment. He does dislike not having a car to get around, and the area we live in is small without too horribly much to do in it. He can drive me to work, but feels bad about using up the gas money to do so. I think his feelings lately stemmed from the fact that he was planning on getting his motorcycle license and a motorcycle (a dream of his for a long time) with some money we'll get in the next couple months, but recently we've run into road blocks with that and he's frustrated.... I think he does feel sort of "trapped" - and I do believe that it will get better down the road. Thankfully, he is also very honest and admits that part of it is the trouble of him just refusing to do stuff and that he knows I'm trying to help... and so I think that it's only a matter of time until he adjusts a little more.

And starting week after next we'll both get "spending money" to just spend however we please. Even I'm excited about that, lol.

But I didn't mean to take over this thread.

Yeah, my husband has a lot of pride and doesn't really like having to "rely on" anyone for things. I agree--things will get better down the line!!!

Psf, feel free to "take over." It's anyone's thread, really.

Best of luck to you!

Hey everyone. Thank you for all of your posts - they have helped a lot.

My hubby moved here March 2nd 2009 from Germany and we got married March 27th... so it's really only been a little over 1 month since he's come here. He's, of course, not able to work yet and our biggest issue right now is that he's bored out of his mind. I work 6 days a week to make ends meet and though he's filled up his time pretty well - he is still bored....

I've offered him ideas on things to do to help relieve his boredom - and some of them he does. We recently bought new furniture from Ikea that he spent several days setting up.... yesterday he made homemade strawberry jam, he cooks dinner every day (likes to cook too!) and does some cleaning...he'll talk to friends sometimes or play games, watch tv shows on dvd (we don't have a tv) too. But he's bored, which I understand - I'd be bored after a day of those things...

But he complains in the last days about not getting out of the house more, and I try to suggest stuff for him to do... like going to a coffee shop to drink something yummy/read a book/etc, going for walks, working out, volunteering (and have even told him of some opportunities in that area that I know about), driving me to work so he has the car during the day, etc... but all of the above things he either says he doesn't want to do for some reason or another... or gives me the impression he doesn't want to do it (i.e. after reminding him of the volunteer opportunities, he just says "yeeaaahhh" in that "but-I-don't-like-that-idea" sort of way).

And when we talked about all this stuff last night... I ended up upset because I want sooooo badly for him to be happy here, yet feel that no matter what I do he's still unhappy and bored - which makes me feel like a complete failure. I understand what it's like to move and not know anything, I've moved around the country several times in the last years... this time (I moved here in Sept. 2008) I MADE myself get out and make friends/feel incoporated. And I've also lived with him in Germany for 1 year, so I understand culture shock to a point (not the same as moving permanently though, I know)... and part of me feels terrible that he's so bored - he can't work, he can't get his driver's license (stupid Virginia laws) and he feels bad about always needing money from me for things... but part of me is slightly annoyed that he rejects many different things I suggest to him that might at least alleviate some of his boredom - and that part of me also says that if he refuses to do the different things I've suggested (or try to find more ideas on his own as well) then I don't feel 100% bad for him either....

And then, after I said that out loud, I felt horrible for saying it. This marriage thing and immigration thing and not working thing is difficult to adjust to all at once - even from my side.... and hearing all of your stories has helped. I do try to just listen and be understanding most of the time - but sometimes it's all frustrating as well. I just want him to be happy sooooooo badly... and I try to remember that it takes time.

Thanks everyone for listening!

I'm the original poster in this thread. I posted sometime back about my husband and how bad things were for him, how he still missed his home so badly, etc.... and since then, there have been a lot of replies that have helped me and others as well!! That's cool. Since then, I've been talking to my husband a lot about this whole homesickness thing and have made some important discoveries.

Much like your husband, mine doesn't really get out of the house much and can get kind of bored. Yet he claims that he "likes being around the house" and hanging out. When I pointed out to him that that was sort of a strange dichotomy, he explained to me that his "boredom" and even "homesickness," to an extent, really isn't about being bored by doing nothing all day or being unfamiliar living in a new place, etc., etc. He said that it's an issue of freedom. Being able to do what he wants, when he wants. Not having to ask for things like money or rides to places. Not having his days centered around solely me.

I paid really close attention to what he was saying and the following week, I set him up with his own bank account, totally independent of mine. I closed out an old savings account I was hanging onto and put half the money in his new bank account and told him it's his to spend as he pleases--no questions. Let me tell you, I saw a big change in him once that happened. He was more relaxed and cheerful. Having the ability to leave the house, take a stroll down to a gas station and buy a Coke may not seem like a big deal to you and me, but it makes him SO happy. When I'm at work and he goes out with a friend, he is immeasurably happier because now he can be all, "Let's go out for burgers." Or he can go rent a new video game. Once he got his bank card, he bought some sunglasses online and had them delivered to the house and was SO happy about it. Once he gets his U.S. drivers license, I am giving him my old car--literally transferring the title into his name; it'll be his car (not my car that he just gets to drive when I don't need it). I can't wait to see how much freer he feels after that!

I know your husband doesn't have his GC yet, so you can't start a bank account for him or get him driving. But give him $50 at the beginning of each month (if you can) and tell him he can spend it however he wants; it's his money. Maybe buy him a bicycle. Don't suggest these things to him (e.g., "Maybe we could get a bike for you"); just do them. A lot of guys are lousy when it comes to giving the kind of feedback their wives are looking for (my husband does the whole shruggy, "Yeeaaaah, maybe" thing, too). Let him feel like he's free and go out and have an "adventure" whenever he wants. I think you'll see a difference in how happy he is.

I just wanted to post and ask if you've ever been to Vancouver Island? There's a different culture there, a completely different lifestyle, and although I haven't been to Texas I hear that its like visiting a completely different country.. soo... he's dealing with a HUGE cultural difference right now, don't underestimate that in your situation. I'm from the East Coast in Canada and I visited the West coast for the first time last summer and got QUITE the eye opener by their culture, thoughts and speech. I was blown away by the completely independent and forward thinking that I ran into and it made a lot of sense to me how differently my brother (who lives there) and I have grown since he moved out west. I'm sure that some of your hubbies homesickness might be due to the fact that there are not like minded people around him right now?... Sometimes my homesickness comes from me feeling I'm the only one around me that feels, sees and has the same perspective. I constantly have to try to figure out the new norm, realize that what I say is going to be misinterpreted (or dismissed altogether as cute but irrelevant "hippy speak") and it gets exhausting at times.

I agree with everyone else, be patient and a sounding board for him (and send him home for a visit). My husband has been SO wonderful in this area, just listening to one rant after another. And my heart is back home, I want to go there someday too, but i realize it's in the distant future for sure.

Thanks for your comments. Yes, I've been to Vancouver Island many times. It's pretty. The people in the particular place I went to weren't all that friendly, unfortunately. I got told all the time "America sucks!" and was constantly complained at because of freaking George Bush (who I didn't even vote for). It was hard for me to really make friends because I didn't have anything in common with anyone else. Most of my husband's friends worked at Tim Hortons or Panago and several already had kids; I was the only one who was a university student. All anyone ever seemed to want to talk about was their small "clique" of friends--none of whom I had ever met.

Things were a lot better when I visited some of my husband's friends in Nanaimo, and some others in Victoria and in Courtenay. When visiting BC, I especially loved Vancouver. I wouldn't mind living there one day.

But I always remember that experience I had in Campbell River. Whenever my buddies think it's a riot to lay on the Canada jokes when Sean's around, I make them stop because I remember how much I hated people ragging on me in Campbell River.

What are the odds? I thought I was the only guy from Vancouver Island who is now living in Texas.

Homesick is one thing. Although with the record dump of snow that VI got this winter, I can't see homesickness being an issue. There will always be a certain weirdness about living in another country. Even when the countries are as similar as the USA/Canada. It just takes time.

Has he been back home yet? One thing I noticed when I went back was that time didn't stop like I thought it would. I had been gone for only 6 months, but was amazed at how much was different. Houses that were were land used to be. Friends that had different jobs or were pregnant (news to me). Stores that I always used to shop at were closed. I assumed everything would be exactly the same as when I left. I couldn't believe how much older my sister's kids seemed.

If he hasn't been back yet, let him take a vacation back home. I went back for 2 weeks. The first 3 days back felt strange. Go figure. By the end of the 1st week, things were more normal and by the end of 2 weeks I was settled in and felt good.....having said that, it felt good to return back to Texas. I felt at home starting up "my own car" and driving on the highway back home.

Thanks for your reply. My husband's actually heading back to Campbell River this upcoming weekend for three weeks. To be totally candid, I'm not all that thrilled about getting to run the household all by myself for three weeks, but I'm trying to be a good sport about it and I know that Sean really needs to see his family again. It's been almost a year!

Where on Vancouver Island are you from, if you don't mind my asking?

Yaaaay! Congrats!

It was 2004. I was 20 years old, in college (staying at my mom's house for the summer), and my then-boyfriend (now husband) Sean had flown down to visit me in Houston for the first time ever.

One of my close girlfriends invited us out to a night club to go dancing. Thinking this was a good opportunity to show Sean some Houstonian culture, I eagerly accepted the invitation, then scampered upstairs to put on a nice dress and do my hair and my makeup. However, because of a series of unforseen circumstances, we ended up not going out after all.

Sean could tell that I was really disappointed. He came over to cheer me up and told me that there were all kinds of fun things we could do just around the house. I didn't believe him and had pretty much resigned myself to being miserable, but Sean made French toast and ice cream for me, then somehow found this CD of my mom's—Greatest Hits of the 60's—and we put it on. We must have danced around the living room to "Mr. Bass Man" about five times that evening. Afterward, we found some old tapes of 1980's cartoons and watched them until 3 A.M.

It was a blast. This event happened pretty early on in our relationship, and it was the first time I fully grasped the value in Sean's smooth, easygoing approach to life—I'm the type of person who's always on the go, and Sean taught me that I shouldn't worry so much about thinking that I'm "missing out" on opportunities if I don't get to do everything. I learned that sometimes, the real opportunity is in spending time together at a relaxed pace.

What has your significant other taught you?

Wow. My husband was asked for proof of his ties to Canada EVERY time he came to visit me, even before we submitted our I-129F. We're talking 10 or more times. They asked to see his return flight tickets and asked him how much money he had with him.

I looked at him quizically after reading all these posts and told him about how none of you all had been asked for evidence of your ties to Canada. "Maybe they just didn't like your face," I told him.

He smiled, "Well, I AM pretty handsome."

But seriously - I don't get it! Oh, well. I guess it doesn't matter much now!

TCO, while you may find the OP's situation a joking matter, others do not. Please keep trite comments out of the Major Changes forum. Thank you.

I don't consider Felony Abuse a Joking Matter

I just offered my opinion that there are 3 sides to each story

If I see a weaker person getting hurt, male or female I will take action into my own hands

I don't discrimate if it's male of female I only see Right and Wrong

I will knock someone on their A$$ if they do wrong, Male or Female Don't Matter To Me............

Not to sound rude, but speaking from my own experience of being the near-victim of a violent crime, I can tell you that you have NO IDEA what you're going to do when confronted with a crisis like Leedah's until you're actually in that situation.

Everything happens REALLY fast and you only have a split second to react. Instinct takes over, and people are different. Some freeze in fear, some fight back, some scream, some run away. You don't really know which reaction(s) you're going to have until you're actually there.

I cannot tell you the number of people who came up to me after hearing about my ordeal and told me, "If it was me in that situation, I'd have shot the guy," etc. Every time I hear something like this, I think to myself, "I'll believe it when I see it."

Also, you have no idea how damaging it can be to imply that the violence was somehow Leedah's fault. No, it isn't. Please, try to show some respect for her and for the sobriety of her situation.

I am sure we do not have the whole story but from what you have provided us you probably should speak to a Criminal Lawyer in your State (for the criminal aspect) as well as retain an Immigration Attorney as you will be dealing with multiple issues. Your husband will probably go through the criminal system first. The case could be dropped for lack of prosecution if you do not decide to press charges and the State does not pick it up. However, under these circumstances the State probably will take over. (There apparently was enough evidence for him to be arrested and charged with felony assault.) Even still, as a first time offender it could go to court and be dropped to a lesser offense where he could be offered to take a plea and attend some anger management classes. Either way if the State gets a hold of it, for an immigrant green card holder, you probably could be sure they are going to notify ICE and deportation proceeding could follow.

The following link on immigrant deportation was taken from findlaw.com. I think it illustrates pretty clearly the circumstance surrounding these proceedings for an instance where an alien “[w]as convicted of certain criminal offenses” and even offers you a resource for finding an experienced Immigration Attorney.

Leedah, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish you the best of luck.

http://immigration.findlaw.com/immigration...n-overview.html

Great post. Very well put.

Leedah, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Sad to be posting here...

My husband was arrested today and has a charge of aggravated assault/felony.

(we got into a stupid argument).

Police took his passport too.

He has no bond as of yet.

Any one know what could happen or if he could be deported? He just got into the U.S.

I have an idea of what will happen. I'm sort of on the other side of things. Two months ago, someone broke into my house and tried to assault me while I was sleeping in my bedroom. My husband had fallen asleep downstairs on the couch, and the guy who broke in walked right past him to get to our bedroom.

Anyway, long story short, he didn't succeed in assaulting me. I fought back and he got scared and tried to run away. I tried to wrestle with him to keep him in the house and almost succeeded, but he managed to wrench away from me and run out our front door. My husband ran after him and followed him down the street at a distance. About that point, the police showed up. My husband showed the police where he'd gone (into a nearby house), and they pretty much just went in, got him out of there, and arrested him. He is now in jail; his court date is tomorrow, actually. He was charged with burglary with intent to commit sexual assault, which is a felony charge. I suspected he was an illegal immigrant (he didn't speak much English), so I asked the detective in charge of my case to please run him through the ICE database, and he did so and confirmed with me that the guy was an illegal immigrant.

I've been following his case pretty closely and asked the police and even asked an immigration attorney about what is going to happen to the guy. It boils down to this: If convicted, he will serve his sentence in the U.S. and then will be placed in removal proceedings. Once deported, he will be a free man in his country of origin.

I suspect your husband will be in a similar situation--he will be in jail until his trial date, and if he's convicted, he'll serve a sentence in the U.S., then be placed in removal proceedings. He will be free once he is returned to his country of origin. Felony charges are taken very seriously. His chances of being allowed back into the U.S., spouse or not, are next to zero.

If you are the victim in this case (which it sounds like you are), you'll receive a victims' statement form in the mail to fill out. The charges pressed against your husband are being pressed by the state. So far as bond goes--if you want to go that route--most jail systems have a Web site that gives you information on how to post bail. Try looking up your county jail on google.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Please please please remember that none of this is your fault; do NOT blame yourself. Your husband, I'm sorry to say, made a choice to lash out and act inappropriately, and he now has to face the reprecussions of his actions.

The really sad part about these types of situations is that in the end, we all end up losing something. I was so frightened that I couldn't even walk outside by myself for several weeks; my husband had to accompany me everywhere. But ultimately, I ended up a much, much stronger person as a result of the situation, and I know what I'm made of now. I've healed, and you will, too.

I don't know your circumstances and can't pass judgement either way.

I just read this and thought about this thread:

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6371484.html

Hi, Duv! Glad that you're here on VisaJourney as you begin the K-1 visa process.

I believe that yes, those details you discussed will help you.

Someone who's done this a little bit more recently than I have can verify this for you, but when you file your I-129F, I think that you're supposed to include an "affadavit regarding marriage." It's just a one page "blurb" about how you, (your name), plan on marrying your fiancee, (her name), within 90 days of his/her entering the U.S., and that the two you have a legitimate relationship, which began (fill in the details of your relationship). The last part--the details about your relationship--is where those details you discussed could go.

Cheers,

Daniela

Wow... I think that's about where I'm headed. We've already had the "It's your house, not mine" conversations. It kills me every time he does that, too. In fact, we were talking just last night. He has many, many, many books. He had a hard conversation with his great-aunt (whom he lives with to help her out) about some financial issues, and because of that hard conversation I told him I had been thinking about his books. I asked him where he thought they could/should go inside the house. We settled on one of the upstairs bedrooms. One is a true bedroom (guest room) and the other is the computer room. I don't really use the computer room anymore since I have a laptop (wow, has my computer usage and Internet surfing gone up since then!!!).

Well, I have an open bookcase with colored file boxes sorting random stuff (notecards, computer cables, etc.) and I mentioned how we could put his books on there. That was NOT what he wanted to hear. Well, after much consternation, he finally let it out that it wasn't about just the books and them being displayed (like I had thought)... for him it was about the books AND them being in bookcases that are familiar to him. So, we had a major gap in communication about books, of all things. Before we had that understanding, he got truly frustrated over the LACK of the books INSIDE actual bookcases and said some not-so-nice things. I tried to keep it all in perspective, thinking about his wanting to be around his things, of which there isn't much. I mean, even his clothes... there aren't many.

He is employed but working on his own as a website developer/designer. Unfortunately, there isn't much money coming in right now for that. I calculated what his income is, and it doesn't even match our poverty level in the US. I'm gtting frustrated b/c I can cover myself right now and my bills, and what he makes covers his bills. But, he doesn't have much aspiration to do much more. He LOVES what he does and wants to do more work - which in turn would mean making more money. But, if the work isn't working for himself as a web developer/designer, he doesn't do much of anything. I work my ####### off working 3 jobs (teaching during the day, coaching at a gym, and I do the graphic design for the websites he develops) in order to have the lifestyle I have.

He comes from not much; comes from a non-supportive family (don't even get me going abput our wedding) -- when I say non-supportive, I mean they watch each other stuggle and no one steps up to assist another and are very quick to judge; non-communicative family; and a non-emotional family where the mom can cry and scream, but God-forbid anyone else have a sad or upset emotion, for they'll get made fun of. Here's the interesting part... he thought I was weird with how much my family and I talk. He lost his dad when he was 16 and no one really talks in his family. He got to spend a lot of time with my family this past summer, and for most intents and purposes he considers my step-dad (who I count to be my "real dad") like his dad. He appreciates my family more than his own. IN fact, he wants to be closer to my family out in Arizona and get away from where we are. He wants our kids to grow up around my nieces and nephews - who would be their cousins. He wants to be part of Sunday family dinners, Bar-b-ques... all of the things he's never had, he wants and can have with my family.

There is a running joke he keeps saying, but the more he says it, the more I don't think it's a joke. He says, "What will you do with me once the nostalgia wears off?" I keep telling him that there is more to him coming over here than the nostalgia of him being around all of the time. We've spent 9 years apart and this will be a HUGE adjustment for both of us. I really am excited for him to come over here and want to start a life together. I really like what you said about how you have the 2 phrases you promise never to say. I think that's something we need to approach as well.

Please don't be surprised if you get messages from me if the going gets tough. You're right. People who aren't in this kind of a situation really don't understand. They might no sympathize or empathize in the way I may need it. Thank you SOOOOO much for your thoughts and your kind words. I will definitely keep this information close at hand.

Thanks for the very nice response. I appreciate your sharing about your soon-to-be husband, and of course I'm happy for you to talk to me whenever you want. In fact, I'm going to add you as one of my friends, once I figure out how to do it (I haven't had a ton of time to play with the VJ Web site yet).

Your soon-to-be husband actually sounds a lot like my husband, Sean. We were together for nearly five years before we got married. We'd been doing the whole long-distance relationship thing and had to survive the visa process and being separated for months at a time, and I thought that made us pretty tough and that if we could handle THAT, we could handle anything. I wasn't prepared for these kinds of homesickness/marriage problems at ALL. I had this sort of arrogance about Sean's and my relationship because we'd survived such tough times already, really knew each other well and had taken thing slow in our relationship (we were engaged for three years to allow time for me to finish my undergrad degree). I was taken completely by surprise. I'm still learning how to deal with a lot of this stuff, so maybe we can help each other along the way.

I can understand your SO's point of view about the books and the bookcase. It stems from the fact that guys need their "man space"--he needs a place that's his. Sean was like that, too. I jokingly (but not so jokingly) tell people that I knew the exact day that Sean had "settled in" here. It was the day he somehow managed to hook up his computer to the TV in the living room so that he could lie on the couch and still surf the 'net. In fact, I remember buying him a new wireless mouse and keyboard so he could do just that, and I put a mini fridge next to the couch so that he can just lean over and get a soda, whenever he wants. Sean feels like the living room is his area. All his video game systems, movies, and computer stuff is here. He lounges around shirtless and lazes about on the couch--and he's happy as a clam! It's actually really cute--it melts my heart to see him do that!

I'm still working through issues of Sean having a tendency to say some not-so-nice things to me when he's upset about something, and then refusing to talk about what's making him so upset. I have a suggestion if this comes up for you, although I don't know how well it will work since Sean and I haven't had a chance to test it yet (we're trying it out, next time this issue comes up). If Sean gets crabby and shuts down, instead of doing ANYTHING--be it be nice and sweet to him or scream at him and punch something--I'm going to say to him, "Let's put this whole issue on hold for an hour--do whatever we want separate from one another--and then we'll come back to it and talk." That might help. I'll let you know how it goes!

Anyway, I have guests over and need to cut out here in a second, but I just wanted to say again--thanks for sharing your experiences, and feel free to talk to me whenever you'd like. And, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

This is a subject that hits very close to home for me. My husband moved to the U.S. in June 2008 on his K-1 visa. He came from a very small town in Canada (Campbell River), and he lived with his family (mom and sisters) at the time that he moved down. He'd worked odd jobs in Canada. He didn't have a lot of possessions when he came here--just his computer and clothes, basically.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty well settled in my career and I own my own house, so it made a lot of sense for my husband to just move down and bring his stuff to here and for us to make the transition from this being MY house to becoming OUR home.

We talked about it a lot before he moved down here because it really looked like there was going to be an unequal "balance of power" between the two of us, given how well I was doing with my career and how he was just starting out--and pretty much "starting over" from square one with his life. One really important thing we agreed on that helped ease the pressure is that we made an agreement about several things, which are as follow:

(1) As long as we're married, this is not "my house." This is "our home." This house is as much my husband's as it is mine. He has just as much of a right to make decisions about it as I do.

(2) No matter how angry we get at one another, we are NOT ALLOWED to say the following things to each other:

Me: "Get out of my house."

Him: "Maybe I should just leave and go back to Canada."

Of course, my husband sort of broke his end of this deal--that was a big fiasco, but it's blown over now. We've since gone over this again and have reaffirmed this promise.

Anyway--having an agreement about certain things helps prevent (or at least mitigate) a lot of problems. Another thing that might help transition you from this being "your house" to "our home" is to shop for major furniture/appliances, etc., together. If you need a new washing machine, for example, shop for it together. Let him give you an opinion about which one you two should get.

Buying stuff and doing little special things for your husband and giving him lots of love and affection is really, really good--but you're still going to run into problems and may end up feeling very taken advantage of if, for example, you go way out of your way to give your husband everything he needs and wants, but he's still unhappy because he misses Canada. Or he feels like his freedom has been squealched and his sole purpose of life is to "do your bidding. It's really rough to have to deal with that stuff. It's hard to know what to do, and most of the time, talking to your friends and family doesn't help very much because they haven't been through your situation and have never had to deal with anything like it--so, they don't get it and may put it in your head that your husband is being a selfish ingrate (which is not true).

One special challenge you may face is that you're female and are bringing a male to the U.S. as an immigrant. This presents certain special issues. Sometimes men feel like, if they can't be the breadwinners, it hurts their pride and makes them feel like less of a man. My husband is very laid back and doesn't care about that stuff, so I was lucky in that aspect. BUT. One thing I've had a really rough time dealing with is that my husband isn't as connected with his emotions as I am.

Sometimes he will be feeling lonely or homesick or something and doesn't know how to talk to me about it. Sometimes he feels like it's inappropriate to say anything. Other times, he'll get really moody and snap at me and doesn't really understand why he's doing it; he'll just shut down. And no matter how hard I try--no matter how much effort I put forth--he won't open up to me. It really sucks. I have tried everything from sitting down and hugging him and using sweet words to make him feel better to screaming at him out of frustration and punching the wall. Both reactions yielded similar results--absolutely no response from him. Sometimes I felt like I was going to go crazy with anger and frustration.

It's not to say that this is what all men do, but these are some challenges that you may have to face in the future. I think that the most important thing that you can do in helping your husband adjust--even in light of some very difficult and heart-crushing probelms you may have to face--is to be tenacious. Don't give up on him, no matter how much you will want to. And be sure to hang on to your ability to forgive. You will SO need it.

This might not mean anything to you right now. Eight months ago, when I was sooo in love and sooo excited about my husband moving down and our getting married, I wouldn't have ever dreamed we'd have the kinds of problems that we've had to face. I'm sure that everything will be fine in my marriage, and I think that you, too, will have a very happy and successful marriage. If you run into the sorts of problems I've described above, just know that you are NOT alone and that everything will work out.

Thanks for the responses. I am still trying to figure out why she blatantly lied right to my face so many times in only several days after her returning home. So many lies in like 4 days lol. I know I should forget about it, but it just drives me crazy. I guess she just didnt think I deserved the truth, about anything, so she lied about everything to try and make me upset and jealous etc. She just did it to hurt me I suppose. But she just doesnt understand or realize that she hurt me more than enough when she originally walked out on me March 5th. That was enough. How much more does she want to hurt and destroy me?

I let her attack me after she saw and read the letter from USCIS stating her papers were canceled. I let her take out all her frustrations on me. About a minute into her attack, I felt her finger go in and under my left eye. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. Thats when my natural instinct kicked in and I pushed her off of me. I instantly thought my eye was damaged or going to get poked out. It was scary, and it was an instant reaction to get her away at that point. How long do you let someone hit on you and claw you up before your instincts kick in? I suppose her restraining order against me is because I pushed her off my head, only after my face was cut up and bloodied by her clawing and scratching, and I had a black eye from her slamming her finger into it.

My wife actually assumed that I would still help her "get her papers" after she walked out on me. She wanted to make an "agreement", some monthly payment to me so I would live a lie and say that I was still with her as real, legitimate husband and wife. I couldnt do such a thing. I admit, I actually contemplated it. I wondered if I loved my wife enough to lie. Then I came to the conclusion that I could love NOBODY enough to enable them to desert and abandon me that way. I did not love my wife enough to enable and allow her to just walk out of our marriage and assume everything would be a bed of roses. Thats what she assumed, she thought she could just trash our marriage, walk out on me and turn her back on her husband and his loving family that accepted her so much, and still be rewarded with lawful permanent residency in the United States.

The one thing that I just cannot understand, is why should there be a hearing to determine whether a restraining order should become permanent when the person who filed it shouldnt even be in this country, but should instead be home thousands of miles away on the other side of the planet? It totally blows my mind. Question is, how could she file for any sort of removal of conditions when she was still pending and we never even had an interview yet? She never even received her EAD yet. It was canceled, luckily, before she was rewarded with anything.

I’ve been thinking a lot about your posts here and what I have to say is my honest opinion, but please do not think that I’m being mean-spirited or am trying to hurt you in some way by saying this. I am actually attempting to do the opposite—I want to help.

The way you have presented your story seems a bit skewed to me. For you to come across as this “nice guy” in such extreme circumstances is unrealistic, and I have to wonder if you’re telling the absolute truth about your actions. After your wife attacked you and clawed at your face, you didn’t do anything? Didn’t even call the police? I find it very hard to understand why you didn’t—and I’m not entirely sure I believe that it’s simply because you’re a “nice guy.” I know plenty of nice guys who would have called the police and had that woman arrested—wife or not. You are obviously not dumb; in fact, you seem like you’re quite intelligent, which makes your course of action more suspect to me. I don’t believe you’re giving us the whole story here—which I can understand—if I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn’t, either. You’re vulnerable and need support right now. But let me just say—and I don’t know this for certain, and you don’t have to say one way or another whether this is true or not—if you attacked that woman in a non self-defense manner either at the time of or before she attacked you, you really need to get an attorney. Run—don’t walk.

The other thing that causes me some suspicion is that you seem to understand what, exactly, a restraining order is and are very worried about her getting one against you. For those who don’t know, a restraining order is a temporary, court-issued order that is issued based on the SUSPICION that somebody (an ex, usually) will cause harm to you, either by stalking or harassment. Restraining orders are not criminally enforceable. A protective order is different—that is an order that is issued if someone HAS attacked you or cause you some sort of harm. YOU could get a protective order against her, if she did actually attack you in the manner you described and there is evidence to back it up. That is, unless there’s some reason that you don’t want to get one. I don’t know—it just doesn’t add up to me. I’m not a lawyer, but I grew up with a lawyer as a father and I used to work at a family practice law firm, so I feel like I know at least this much.

Personal opinion here: I think your ex-wife/soon-to-be ex-wife may be able to get her restraining order because there have been a few things that you’ve done that aren’t exactly working in your favor. For example, your rummaging through phone records and “keeping tabs” on her may come up. Also, your going to ex-wife/soon-to-be ex-wife’s work place and “ratting her out” can be interpreted as stalking (and it’s also part of the reason I’m not entirely sure I believe you’re being a total “nice guy.”) Do I condone your ex-wife/soon-to-be ex-wife actions? No. Do I think she’s a you-know-what? You better believe it. But I think that you need to start acting a lot smarter if you’re going to get through this as unscathed as possible. Your ex-wife/soon-to-be ex-wife has all her ducks in a row and is pushing your buttons. It’s working—and you are falling right into it. I can tell—you’re capable of great intelligence, but you’re reacting out of anger (and possibly malice)—and you’re just hurting yourself. You need to protect yourself—or hire an attorney to help protect you.

That’s my two cents. I hope I don’t sound like I’m being really cruel. I really am sorry this happened to you—but now isn’t quite the time to mourn—you’ve just got to push that aside for right now and protect yourself.

Not sure how helpful my response will be. I hired an attorney to help with my now-husband's K1 visa application. I was in my last year of college and didn't have the time to dedicate to learning the laws. Anyway, USCIS took a pretty long time to process my husband's I-129F. My dad is an attorney and is personal buddies with a Congressman (Cuellar), and I asked my attorney if it would help speed things along if I got Mr. Cuellar involved.

My attorney told me NO, that unless there was some sort of problem with the I-129F, getting Mr. Cuellar to pull our file would actually slow the approval process significantly! I forget the exact reason why. I have an e-mail about it somewhere, which I'll try to find.

Anyway, if there's no pressing reason to get a Congressman involved, it's apparently better not to.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

I used to work at a family law firm. It is extremely common for women who are seeking divorce to get a restraining order. In some law firms, it's considered standard for women to file for one at the same time they file for divorce.

Sorry for your situation.

Thank you so much for all of you who wrote your experiences here!!

I just got here a little over a month ago on a K1, we got married, now hve our own new apartment but I recently get really homesick and b!tchy with my husband and I see that I usually don't get upset about anything that has to do with him but that I carry out other things on him. Reading these posts relieved me terribly and now I know that all of this is normal and that I am not alone with this. Thank you.

Speaking as someone from the opposite end of things (I brought my then-fiance over to the U.S. and have been working through homesickness issues with him), I have a few pieces of insight I'd like to share.

(1) People from my perspective typically have a really, really hard time of understanding why their fiances/spouses miss their country of origin. We're so wrapped up in getting our new life with you started that we don't often (if ever) think about you being homesick and don't even consider it a problem (or a very serious one) unless we're told otherwise. If you feel homesick, please please please make sure you let your spouse know. If you bottle it up and keep it to yourself, we have no idea what you're going through and think that everything is smooth sailing. When you eventually do express it (especially if you have an outburst), we feel quite blindsighted and like you haven't been honest and upfront with us.

(2) Don't be put off if your spouse doesn't respond well, at first, when you tell him or her how homesick you are. It is very hard for us not to take your homesickness personally. We promise, when we sign our I-130s, that we will be financially responsible for you for ten years! We take our vows to take care of you and help you get established in the U.S. VERY seriously. We try to give you everything you want and need. Sometimes when you tell us you're homesick, it's a real blow to the ego. We can feel like a] you're unappreciative of our effort to make you comfortable and happy, and/or b] we are complete and utter failures. Neither of those things are true, but we definitely feel they are. If possible, try to broach the subject gently and reassure your spouse that you DO appreciate him/her and that your feelings of homesickness are NOT a reflection of his or her ability/inability to love you and look after you and make sure all your needs are met.

(3) Try not to encourage spouse talk about your homesickness with people who haven't been through the sort of situation you have. They don't get it; trust me. The last thing we need is a bunch of people validating us taking your homesickness personally by saying things like (word-for-word example out of my own life), "Well, I don't see why Sean misses Campbell River so much! He had a whole bunch of nothing going on when he was there. He is so lucky to have you now--you do everything for him! And what does he do? He's not even working! He just hangs around the house all day and gets to relax and play video games!"

That sort of thing is NOT helpful. People who haven't been through this sort of thing don't know that it takes time for an immigrant spouse to learn how to drive in the U.S. and get comfortable doing so, it takes time to update your resume and find work--not to mention, you have to file your I-756 if you don't have your green card yet, etc., etc. Trust me--other people SO don't get it. Making you and/or your spouse feel like you "owe" your spouse something and feel guilty for being homesick can (and will) wreak havoc on your marriage. Don't talk to these people about your issues (and encourage your spouse not to as well).

You aren't alone, but I understand that it can be very easy for you to feel like you are for the above reasons.

I hope my insight here has been helpful. Good luck.

An update (while I’m still on my lunch break):

(a) Thank you all for the explanation and for the wonderful recipes.  I will definitely be trying them out—probably beginning Friday. I will definitely let you know how it goes—or, you may hear the explosion all the way in Canada, if I end up accidently blowing up the kitchen!

(B) Last night, Sean reminded me before bedtime that there was a little song—“Hot cross buns.” And the lightbulb went off in my head and all of a sudden I was flooded with memories of learning to play the clarinet in middle school and all the squeaking and squawking associated with it.

I sang it to Sean: “Hot cross buns. Hot cross buns. One a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns.”

He laughed, “All you know about hot cross buns is that they’re either one cent or half a cent?”

“Sean,” I replied, “I didn’t even think they were a real thing when I heard the song back then.”

He doubled over in laughter.

© At my workplace, we used to get Good Friday off, but only some of us do now. I’m one of those insanely lucky people that everyone hates because I somehow wound up with a great job in the private sector right out of college. At my job, they give us this flex-time option. If you elect to work an extra hour or so Monday through Thursday, you get every other Friday off, and on the Fridays that you work, you only work til 3 PM.

Good Friday is actually my Friday off (hooray). It used to be that everyone got Good Friday off, but my company did away with that and instead gave us a “floating personal day” that we can pretty much take whenever we want. And whoever has Friday off that week can still take their day off. It’s kinda cool.

I asked my hubby and he said "I know there is a song" but doesn't know what they are lol. maybe get him to describe them a little?

on a side note, where are you in texas? we just came to Austin (got here on Friday night) from California, and my husband is from Newfoundland. probably the wrong side of the world for you lol.

I'm from Houston! Haven't been to Newfoundland. But Sean's told me about it.

Funny li'l story. I studied abroad in Paris one summer and I met this really nice girl and we became fast friends. After I told her I was from Texas, she told me she was from Newfoundland and I responded to her, “AH--I’s the bi’s that zeels the boot.”

She gave me the strangest look and asked, “How do you know about that?” I had to explain to her that my then-fiance had taught me that.

How did you like Austin?

Hello, you all! My name's Daniela--a few weeks ago, I made a post in the "Moving Here and Your New Life in America" thread concerning my husband, Sean, and how to help him handle his homesickness. I was absolutely impressed by the amount of support that I received--largely from Canadians like my husband and yourselves--on the issue! So, I'd like to say THANK YOU once more! I know it's a little bit overdue, and I apologize--I've been away on business--but I really do appreciate the help and support!

An update: Things have been going better, and I've been trying to take the proactive stance and try to incorporate some of Sean's Canadian traditions into our new life here. I asked him if he and his family had any Easter traditions, and he told me, "Yeah, back home, we'd always eat hot cross buns."

I have no idea what in the world hot cross buns are, where to find them, or how to bake them (is it easy?) I'd really like to surprise Sean with them this Easter, so I'm calling upon my newfound Canadian gurus and requesting that you help out this poor Texan gal.

A funny aside: Sean and I actually had a bit of a misunderstanding over the weekend. I sent him out to the grocery store to pick up "hot dog buns" for me. After he was gone for nearly an hour, I started to worry, so I called him up on his cell phone and asked him if everything was OK. He responded, glumly, "Daniela, I've tried looking really, really hard...but I can't find hot cross buns anywhere here..." I felt so, so terrible for him!! I explained what I'd meant (hot DOG buns) and told him just to come home and gave him a huuuge hug to cheer him up and we had a laugh about the whole thing.

I took my husband to get his social security card about a month after he entered the U.S. on his K-1 visa. All he needed to do was turn in his SS5 and show his I-94 and his approved K-1 visa.

Whether or not you need a social security number to apply for a marriage license depends on what county you're in. For example, in my area (Houston, TX), you both need to have a social security number to apply for a license in Fort Bend County, but neither of you need it if you apply in Harris.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Hopefully, things will get straightened out.