LondonGooner

Woo-hoo-hoo-hooooo! I just got an email this morning saying that my Permanent Resident Card has been ordered! Yay! Its only taken 15 months, which I know is not as long as others on here and at the same longer than some have had to wait, but thank God the torture of waiting is over!

Good luck to all those still waiting! I hope and pray that it won't be too much longer for you guys.

Here's my experience. I wrote letters to Laura Bush, Michael Chertoff, Robert Muller (Director of the FBI), the Station Chief in charge of the name check process, and the department head for the FBI's record's keeping branch. After three months I eventually got a response from Mr Chertoff and it was a standard form letter, "USCIS works hard to ensure delivery of services, blah, blah, blah..." "We must ensure those applying for immigration benefits are entitled to apply for them, blah, blah, blah..." And I haven't received anything from any of the others.

The Ombudsman were not much use either. After three months of waiting they wrote to say that they were forwarding my case onto the USCIS for investigation... and I should wait 45 days for a response! Arg!!! USCIS is the freaking problem not the solution.

My Senator has been courteous to an extent in that he always responds to my letters but it seems that he has no authority to chase the FBI and petition them to hurry up the name check.

Oh wow, you are in Richmond? Not too far from here then. We filed with the Chicago Service Centre but I think everything is passed through them to the local field offices hence whenever we feel like getting arsey about not having the Green Card we head over to Louisville to go and verbally bash the poor functionaries there.

Its not just the coach that is the problem but it is the way the English game is set up. Firstly, the FA desperately need to invest serious money into building a national youth academy where young players can be taught to play a style of football that suits England. Re-building the national stadium was money pissed down the drain considering how many great stadiums there are at club level now.

Secondly, the national coach just picks the best players from the clubs and expects them to mesh together as a team. It hasn't worked for years now and the FA can't blame the likes of Arsenal for buying cheap foreign kids in order to remain competetive in domestic and European competitions when the likes of Chelsea, Spurs and ManUtd spend ridiculous amounts of money on over rated but underperforming prima donnas. It is not the responsibility nor is it in the interests of the clubs to nuture England's next crop of youngsters.

For the FA to blame this current situation on not having the right coach at the helm or too many imported players is lazy at best and at worse it is an attempt by a bunch of fuddy duddies to turn attention away from their own ineptitude and mismanagement. You would think that Cornelius Fudge from the Harry Potter novels was in charge of the FA the way they have bodged the national game.

So my EAD arrived today! I am so excited to be able to finally start living a life over here. I can now get a SSN, a driving license, a JOB , a debit card for our joint checking account. It didn't take all that long from initially filling in the application form to receiving it so I only wish we had done this a lot, lot, sooner. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20.

However, I am still po'ed that we are stuck in this AOS mess. I did receive a response from Michael Chertoff about a month ago and it was just a standard form letter, USCIS works hard to ensure delivery of services, blah, blah, blah... we must ensure those applying for immigration benefits are entitled to apply for them, blah, blah, blah... At least he had the decency to reply but Laura Bush, Robert Muller (Director of the FBI) and various other federal functionaries obviously could not be bothered. Oh well, I guess we only have to wait for 12 more months or so and we can write to El Presidente Hilary and ask for her help...

When I studied over here during my third year at university I made the college Cheerleading team for the 99/00 Basketball Season. My friends and family will never let me forget it either...

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better

today after a 69 yesterday."

yeah that one works for me too

More than I need to know, thanks .

I think someone was tickling her feet... or something else ( mental image)... off camera either that or she was still a little drunk from the night before.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely

horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't

that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of

the Oxford crew."

5. USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is

playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his

balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team

Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,

where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE

have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were

laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better

today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night

like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They

seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in

his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes

to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself

Woo-hoo! I just got an email this morning saying that my AP has been approved. Yay! Kelly and I had been hoping that my AOS would have been approved before now so that we wouldn't have to file additional paperwork but since we found out that we are stuck in the name check black hole we decided to just bite the bullet and then file for the AP. This means we can now get back to the UK for Christmas which will really please my Momma! All in all the AP took 32 days to approve. Now to find some cheap flights...

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Frenchman again"

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ###### out the window."

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia?

(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in themiddle of the Pacific which does not

... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?

(USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains ofanyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it inAustralia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?

(USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

__________________________________________________

Mowing the lawn?

If ever my future children use the word '**' they'll be washing their mouths out with soap for a week.

but maybe they are talking about cigarettes

True that . Gosh, I've been here to long if I am beginning to forget my Britishisms...

maybe some of this will come in handy for nutcases.....

I have no idea what is that for? Is it legal for me to use it?

check with your local police.

btw, when that gal spit on you, that was assault.

Really? wow, she spit on us many times..

Hubby still sleeping, we will check on that later..thanks!

Yup, that's the first thing that Platy said when he read this. If you spit on someone it IS classed as assault. However, I think you would have stood a better chance of arrest if you'd called them right there and then. I don't know how much they can do now as you don't know her identity.

Luz, she is one person amongst millions, forget her and move on. Don't let her ruin your life or make you change anything about your routine. The best thing you can do to get over this is go back to the old routine now. Don't wait any longer. If you fall off of a horse they say to get right back on. The longer you leave it the bigger an issue it will become.

If she spat on you and your clothes haven't been washed yet there is a chance they can take a sample and run a DNA test on it and track her down that way. Bus drivers in some parts of the UK have been equipped with kits for taking spit samples because they get spat on so much by yobbos. I definitely think you should call the police and see if they can start and investigation on this basis.

Eh, I know it's supposed to be a joke, but it reinforces the notion that having any traits that would be considered even remotely effeminate equate to homosexuality.

My grandfather (God rest his soul) who fought in WWI and was later a border patrolman who rode on horseback would also hang out the clothes on the clothes line back in the day. He also fainted when a local woman in his town needed a bullet removed from her buttocks. He was no limp wristed fem, but certainly didn't show all the signs of a hard core macho man.

In fact, there's probably just as many gay men who are mucho macho as there are who are feminine...just like there are butch and lipstick lesbians.

Amen, to that. I know that it is supposed to be a joke but I did not like the tone of it because it was dripping in hatred. And, ironically I am Christian so I am probably the least likeliest of people to advocate gay rights but just because I dislike the behaviour doesn't mean I hate the person. If ever my future children use the word '**' they'll be washing their mouths out with soap for a week.

Tonight's the night

Oh my gosh ! Did anyone see tonight's episode... I was very nearly put off my Ben & Jerry's at the site of the rotting meat and cockroaches .

My skin was crawling after seeing all those roaches and flys *shudders*

Then seeing that rotten food, which Gordon ate

Glad he got rid of that dead weight Martin too.

Martin totally knew he was about to be fired which is why is jumped ship before he pushed. I guess that is one less rat that restaurant has to deal with.

Usually those kind of people sit next to me when I use public transport. You can generally tell who they are when they get on the bus because there is a collective holding of breaths among the other passengers while the crazy person takes their seat and then when they do sit down there is a very audible sigh of relief.

Seriously though I am sorry to hear this happening to you. There is so much ignorance and hate in the world today. Perhaps if you carried a can of mace and it happened again you could give the person an attitude readjustment, actually I am not sure if thats legal but thinking about it might make you feel better

Tonight's the night

Oh my gosh ! Did anyone see tonight's episode... I was very nearly put off my Ben & Jerry's at the site of the rotting meat and cockroaches .

The Special Air Service, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls...

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortars and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie, "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p**s!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f****n' rabbit!"

We have the right to protect ourselves. If a country developed nuclear weapons and might use them on us or our allies then we can and should take them out. I do not believe in the power of the UN or the international community to have our best interests at heart. I am all for us acting unilaterally and to hell with anyone that does not like it.

You'll sing a different tune when we are faced with a coalition willing to act against us. I don't see America acting as a "World Policeman" but instead I see the United States taking on the role of a vigilante.

led by who? france? i'm worried!

Such a coalition does not have to involve nation-states. Imagine Al-Qaeda, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Al Aqsa Martyr Brigades, the PLO, Fatah, etc, etc... putting their differences aside and uniting in their common hatred of all things Western and in particular American.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "I am smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard makes it to the river but is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in the water.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree smoking a joint with a monkey, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle to find the monkey in the tree. He finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing his joint, and he looks up and shouts at the monkey, "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!"

We have the right to protect ourselves. If a country developed nuclear weapons and might use them on us or our allies then we can and should take them out. I do not believe in the power of the UN or the international community to have our best interests at heart. I am all for us acting unilaterally and to hell with anyone that does not like it.

You'll sing a different tune when we are faced with a coalition willing to act against us. I don't see America acting as a "World Policeman" but instead I see the United States taking on the role of a vigilante.

i wonder, how many of these arm chair generals ..will run and volunteer for the miltary if we get into another war....i doubt any...

I don't think we'll have to find out. Once Israel becomes convinced Iran has a viable nuclear attack capability, they will launch a strike. Maybe this time it will be another country's war and we can all just sit back and watch it unfold on CNN.

Touche

amen to that....let Israel fight their own battles.............

...with American made fighter aircraft, air-to-surface bombs, air-to-air missiles, radar, armoured personnel carriers, etc, etc....

NEW YORK - For richer, for poorer? It'll have to be for poorer after Luke Jacunski and his girlfriend were robbed at gunpoint just seconds after he proposed.

Jacunski got on one knee and popped the question to his girlfriend of six months, Mami Nagase, in a romantic spot at a gazebo in Central Park on Saturday night. She had just agreed to marry him when, they said, a gunman jumped from the bushes and yelled, "Give me your money and get on the ground!"

As Jacunski, 30, and Nagase, 24, got on the ground, he was able to slip the engagement ring off her finger and hide it in his pocket.

The robber took a Rolex watch from Nagase and $125 from Jacunski, who had planned to use it to pay for a romantic dinner at a French restaurant. The robber then ran away.

Nagase, an artist from Japan, and Jacunski, a musician from Cincinnati, spent the next several hours at a police station looking at mug shots and sharing potato chips for dinner. They said they still plan to get married.

"It makes for a pretty good story for our anniversary," Jacunski said.

He said the night could have been much worse: After he proposed, Nagase could have said no.

link

Well that sucks but at least they can see a funny side to it. Not sure if I'd be able to if it were me.