giving_up

wow, #3 is interesting, thanks for your help!

Hello! I'm planning to apply for my parents next month and was wondering what happens after they get approved. They're not ready to move to the States, I'm mostly applying so that my mom can enter the country legally to come visit us since her visa has been denied 3 times, but eventually both my parents will come live with me. Someone told me that once she gets approved she has to come here right away to live for 6 months and someone else just told her that she can stay in our home country and that I can mail her her green card and that she can come whenever she wants and stay for as long as she wants. What's the correct info? where can I find out more about this?

Hello, I became a citizen in February and have bought tickets for me and my daughter to go visit my home country for a couple of weeks and dumb me, I just realized that I don't have a US passport yet, so I'd like to know if I can still travel with my old, home country passport of if I have to request my US passport. Thanks for any replies.

I am the better wife, that's why he feels he can bully me and bring his sister to bully me too. I've always looked for communication, even before we got married. He lied to me from the beginning and when I came him I started to get to know him and like I've always told him, it was like getting to know him all over again and trying to love him despite of it all. If we are in this problem now is because he's never been willing to communicate with me, instead he gets mad and gives me an attitude that has always driven me nuts, like, he doesn't talk to me at all and when I'm around he makes faces like he's disgusted that I'm around. He's been like that from the beginning and I used to have like panic attacks wondering "Oh, My God, what did I do? what did I do?" while he gave me that attitude for two weeks until he finally told me he was like that because there was too much food in the fridge. This situation has made me feel like I'm worthless, things are more horrible when you have no one to talk with. He's never been the one to give me a hug or a kiss unless he wants sex, that makes me feel used and I've told him that many times but he doesn't change.

When he's good, he's very good, like in the last 3 months he really seemed like he was trying. My dad came to visit two months ago and they got along great, we had been so excited talking about a 2nd baby and then he does this. I have a career, I didn't go to college for 5 yrs to be a housewife, he knows I've always wanted to work but that just wasn't the plan. They have bullied me together 2 times before and that's unacceptable.

Someone here mentioned me going back to my country, of course that's the best thing that could happen to me but I know it won't happen, the cops told me so.

Anyway, thank you all for your replies, may God bless us all and those of you who are in the process of getting their greencard or something, get to know your partner well, because once you come here things might change. I wasn't expecting my life to be like this from day one.

after 5 yrs I have learned that I have to stand up for myself. At the beginning when he used to have mood swings, he would just curl up in the sofa and wouldn't talk to me for days, there were times that I'd be sitting on the floor next to him begging him to talk to me and he never did. Then after a couple of days he'd bring me something to eat from work and that was it. I noticed this was the pattern he used to have, something small would turn into one, sometimes two weeks. I used to cry a lot and I still do cry but most of all I feel ANGER. I'm not the person I first was when I came to this country.

Someone was asking about our age difference, I'm 37 and he's 52. We're from different ethnic groups and apparently they have more problems with mine than I do with theirs. There's just too much stuff involved, this is very exhausting.

I've been asking him to go to counseling with me for the last 3 years and he's always said no, I told him let's go talk with a priest and he said that if I have any problems then that I should go. He's been lying to his family from the beginning and no matter how I try to fit in, I know I never will. He's always cared more about his sister's feelings over mine, he keeps switching mood. This time that we had the problem about me getting a job, he had been giving me an attitude for two weeks, he was on and off, when he was okay we'll talk about baby #2, never about a job, that's why when he brought his sister here it was such a shock when he started trashing me in front of her. I defended myself trying to clear out every lie he was saying but that only made him even angrier. This went on and on for 3.5 hours, there was a moment that I kept grabbing my head because I felt like I was going to faint. This is taking a toll in my health and even though there are two sides in each story, i gain nothing by lying about something that's this messed up already, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want to live in a "lifetime channel" movie. I need help now, but don't know where to go or how to start.

okay, 19 people are reading this thread right now, can somebody tell me how to get out of this marriage? how someone like me with no job, no money, no family, no friends leaves this man? I don't know where to go or what to do, I don't have a place to stay, and me leaving just like that to a shelter will definitely make things worse with him. I will get a job, but how do I do things NOW? even the counselor gave me an appointment two weeks from now, I need solutions now! what can I do?

I tried to speak with him this morning and he was mad and told me that his sister told him that I said that as soon as I got a job I'd "get rid" of him. That day she came he went to take a shower and I told her she made things worse because she was saying stuff too, and I told her that I was frustrated because I know that things will never get better because he doesn't want to seek help for himself or go to counseling with me and I told her that if I got a job I'd see a way out because my and my daughter's mental health come first. She has always acted like she's being supportive and when my husband said that I got mad, I called her to thank her for all her support and help, I told her that I love her but that if she's going to say something, it has to be something positive for our marriage, not to add more bad stuff. She seemed mad from the moment she heard my voice and then all of a sudden she started yelling a lot of stuff on the phone and then she hung up. She called my husband and asked him to give the phone to me, yelled at me some more and hung up. I'm not married to her, I don't have to take stuff from her, but still I kept my cool.

He was calm after a while and then we started talking things out and he said that he made a mistake by not talking with me about the job issue but that he never thought he'd have to ask me to work. He's always been a great provider but a very abusive husband. I told him we both want the best for our daughter, like, give her a house and great education, but I told him that I need her to grow up in a safe, positive environment. Every day she tells me he doesn't love me and I don't want her to grow up in this environment. I told him he's never wanted to get help, to go to counseling and that I know things will never be okay between us. I took his hands, told him I know things will never work out, I gave him a hug, told him I love him but that I cannot be with him anymore.

I can't believe how "brave" I was to say that to him since I do not have a job, my daughter is home on vacation right now and I have no place to go. I feel so sick, this relationship has worn me out, I called the new counselor and they told me they'd give me appointment for the 25th, that's way too long for me. I feel like this is not the end, that he will come to me and say "let's work things out" again, but with no commitment, no will from him to get help and go to counseling I can't agree to stay with him. I just need to live a peaceful life but am afraid of him taking our daughter since he's the one who's working and I'm not.

If you are talking about these threads you can find them in an advanced search:

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__1104627

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__3821547

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__5082540

thanks, I found them too and was about to paste them.

by the way, I don't have a timeline here because I have a different profile where I have friends and I do not want them to know what's going on, I hope you understand.

Hello all, I don't know why I don't see 2 posts of mine on here where I explained my situation with my husband but anyways, here it goes. We met online and got married 5 yrs ago; we had the plan of having a baby and that I would stay home till s/he went to pre-k and then we'd have another one. Our daughter started pre-k last year and unfortunately we haven't been able to have a second baby. Throughout these 5 yrs my husband has been emotionally abusive of me and one time things got physical. Anyway, this year things appeared to be a bit better and just two weeks ago we were trying for the 2nd baby and decided to see a fertility doctor. Two days after we talked about that he got mad during a conversation about finances and yelled at me telling me why I don't say I'd get a part time. I was shocked since we had never talked about that but instead every time we talked about our plans it was about a 2nd baby.

He didn't talk to me for two days and then he called me from work to tell me his older sister would stop by the following day because he had something to "clarify". I told him that if it had to do with me he should speak to me but anyways, the next day she showed up and he started the conversation by saying that he had realized that I don't want to work! my jaw dropped! we had never talked about this issue and he kept going on and on telling lies about me and he made things look like I've been too comfortable at home and I just don't want to work! I started defending myself since I'm fed up with his abuse and he kept talking loud at me in front of her and one time he even got up and stood in front of me yelling pointing his finger at me! i couldn't believe the sister wouldn't say anything but instead she seemed to be questioning me about the working thing. He told her that i was mad because he talked about this and that if she hadn't been there I would have been worse! I couldn't believe it. I made clear to him why I was mad and I told him that I had no problem working and she said "yes, but I don't like the way you're saying it" man! I felt like just leaving! I was so mad I told him he's bipolar and then later on the sister brought up this topic saying that maybe i know something that he doesn't know and stuff like that and she made him even angrier!

Things kept going on and on like this for 3.5 hrs and we stopped because he had to work, I only stood there in the sofa trying to make sense of everything he had said about me to her. I feel like I will never be able to fit in because he's the one who lies about me in the first place! he always puts his family first and never pays attention to my needs and feelings. I now know I will look for a job and I know it will help me with my self-esteem but i feel like I'm stuck in my life because we haven't been talking for 1 week and he's acting like he's the hurt one and me, I'm just ANGRY!

I've thought about leaving him because I know these episodes will always happen and I cannot jeopardize my mental health and my daughter's. Every day she tells me that he doesn't love me and she even said that he doesn't love me because he thinks I'm bad. This broke my heart. I have no job for now, have no money and I don't have a place to go. He doesn't want counseling but I will start seeing one this week. Sorry for venting like this, I feel so alone, I have no idea what i'm gonna do...

I try to save money as much as I can, I didn't know this when I first moved to this country. I coupon sometimes and I'm in some "frugal" groups on facebook and there moms let me know the best savings and deals around. For instance, my daughter wanted the Dora stove for christmas, I had seen it for $119. Then one day someone on facebook said that it was the daily deal at target for $49.99. That was a great deal itself already but still I printed two coupons from the target site, one that gave me a $10 gift card when spending $50 at the store and one that gave me 25% off any dora item. I ended up paying $37 for something that could have cost me $119, plus, I got the $10 gift card.

I just remembered something, when I first came here I asked my husband if I could empty a bedside table to put my things, I don't know why he hadn't done so. Anyway, there I found pictures of women and greeting cards they had sent him like, I guess he had met them all online and they had developed some kind of online relationship as well. That's where I found the ticket purchase of that woman who he met online to stay with him. The counselor told him that he was supposed to clean everything before I got here, that that was his mistake. I really wish he had thrown everything away and that we had moved to another place as I kept finding stuff, and it's not like I had been looking for things, most of the time they were just there! One time he was looking for a book and when he pulled it, a pair of earring fell on the floor, he picked it up, gave it to me and said "why do you leave your earrings there?", I put them back in his hands and said "they're not mine". His face was priceless.

I suggested counseling almost two yrs ago and he only went a couple of times because he said he didn't need it, he said that if I had a problem then that it was me the one who needed counseling. The last time he went, the counselor was supporting my husband's position about something and then when we got home he kept telling me how wrong I was and that even the counselor knew I was wrong... but I knew I was right. The following time I went alone and the counselor told me that after we left she was there thinking and realized I was the one who was right, not him. She messed up things even more and then I stopped going, she even laughed at me going there alone because she said I believe my husband loves me when he clearly doesn't because he wasn't there :/

I brought up the incest thing yesterday and he said it wasn't him the one who saw them, that it was a friend of his who now is a doctor (imagine that!). But anyway, when I first came here I found condoms, an empty bottle of viagra and the yahoo sex groups and he also claimed it was that guy who was responsible for everything. Then after being mad for two weeks he confessed it was him but now, almost 5 yrs later he denies everything all over again.

I'm tired of giving him chances which he takes for granted, I'm acting hurt because I am hurt and I cannot see a solution to this mess right now. He apologized and that was all, he didn't say let's work things out, let's go to counseling, but anyway, I gotta try and suggest it again. We'll see what happens.

I can't wait to start reading the 13 page thread that the husband starts when he finds this one open on the family computer....

do you think I care if he finds it? I can even send him the link so he can realize how bad things are. I had a purpose when I started this thread, I needed advice, I never thought it would reach 13 pages, sorry if that bothers you. I appreciate those who have given me different views about this issue and unfortunately, this can happen to anybody. Many couples here on VJ have met online, a fiance/e leaves everything behind to be with someone who they haven't known entirely. There are a lot of trophy wives coming from asian countries who are so innocent and they have no idea what their old guys will be hiding here. I've read many posts about people who have been fooled like me, it is sad, but things do go wrong sometimes. I don't think there's anything wrong about sharing things here. I thought this was the place where people would relate the most with me given the way in which I got to this country.

Okay, so, last night the man I married and I spoke on the phone and first he kept denying that he had the movie in the house which makes no sense since I found the receipt and I believe he must have gotten rid of that dvd by now. Then he was telling me that if when I first saw the receipt I had told him "this is what I found and I don't like it" (which I did), he would have said "I'm sorry you found the receipt" LOL I'm sorry you found the receipt???! ha!

Then he told me he doesn't understand why I see things like this, that him having done that is nothing and it's not a big deal, that he doesn't see anything wrong in it. He says that since I was back in my country he could have gone clubbing or going out with friends but that he didn't do it and that instead he stayed home and did this and I shouldn't be this upset because it could have been worse. He also told me that maybe I'm better off with someone else. I told him that he wasn't making things better with the things he was telling me, I told him that the fact that he says that this is not a big deal knowing that it would hurt me so much makes me feel worse because if this is nothing for him then what else would he think is okay later?

Anyway, he had to go back to work and I was very upset at home, he made things even worse with this conversation. I didn't even want to see him last night, I wanted him to go stay at his sister's, so I called him to tell him so but he didn't pick up. He called me 5 times and I didn't pick up, I was too mad to pick up and I didn't want to say things I'd regret. Anyway, he came home one hour early, maybe he got worried because I didn't pick up and then we never spoke.

This morning I took our daughter to preschool and he was home, when I came back I just went back to bed as I haven't been sleeping well for the last 4 days and then he went to the bedroom and told me that yesterday he was calling to apologize because after thinking a lot (for 30 mins)he realized that he had made a mistake and that he accepted his responsibility. I said "aha, and now what?" and he didn't say anything, I told him I don't feel comfortable with him now, and I also made sure to tell him that this is not only about what happened this time, but it was about him breaking a promise and that this made me think about all his abuse, his disrespect, all the lies and that I didn't think I could be with him anymore. He only whispered "okay..." I told him now I even feel like he must never change our daughter's clothes, he laughed and said "what? really? wowwwwww" I told him I didn't did this, that he was the one who did this and then he looked very sad, the last time I saw him like that was when his dad died. I told him I wasn't saying things to upset him, that this is how he's made me feel now.

After that, he didn't speak anymore, he didn't give any solution, and I'm still too disappointed to "suggest" any solution to fix things and stay together. Like I told him, if this had happened before the baby I would have left the night I found the receipt, because it's not just the fact that he was looking at porn, but it's everything, all the lies, all the disrespect and I just have to do something about it, I can't take these ups and downs anymore. I need consistency in my life.

On a side note, I just checked my mail and received my uscis letter saying i have interview for my citizenship on feb 7th...

And yes, I do love my husband because he hadn't been bad all the time, like I stated before he has had his ups and downs but most of the time he was okay. He really tried to be change. Mainly these 2 yrs had helped me forget about everything that had been wrong before but to realize that he never took advantage of the chances I've given shows me he will never change for good and we'll always be going back to zero.

someone here said that there seem to be other issues with him and of course yes, there have been but since in the last -almost- 2 yrs things had been great between us, I somehow tried to forget about everything that I had against him from the past, all the pain he had caused me, like, yelling at me when I was pregnant, lying about important things, putting his family first before my feelings, even giving me HPV and questioning if he was the one who gave it to me even when he knew he was my first... *sigh* I can't put into words how bad I felt in all those situations and how dumb, naive and submissive I was, as I had only tried to make things work by trying to forget and forgiving him, but now I know somehow I'm stronger and this situation that I'm going through now opened the box that I had hidden 3 ft under with all those hurtful memories and I wish I could just erase everything that was wrong and start brand new or simply find a way that I could go back home with my daughter and raise her with my parents in a healthy environment. I came to this country to be happy with him, not because I wanted to live here, in the past he even said that I married for the greencard and no, if God forbid something happened to him, I'd go back home because he's the reason why I came here, I had asked him to move to my country with me but he said no, so now I'm scared thinking that I'm done and that I have to find a solution, I started this topic focusing on what I'm going through right now but my mind keeps rewinding the tape about everything that had gone through in the first 3 yrs that I was here and no, it's about time I do something definite about it, I just don't know how to start...

well, I haven't said that I've been checking the computer. When I first came here he used to have aol and I just clicked on the browser to find yahoomail.com because I thought that was in his history since we used to email each other all the time and all the previously viewed sites were from an asianbabes whatever.com site, that's the only site I could find because he had seen a lot of webcams of women! so of course I wanted to know if there was something else and thats when I checked his temp files and saw the other stuff, it's very easy to judge when you're not in the situation. I had been BSd by him before i came to this country telling me he didn't like those things so I was shocked to stumble into them, and I say "stumble" because I wasn't looking for anything when I first saw the pc's history.

After he had told me he'd never do things like this anymore, I stopped checking the computer, I didn't feel the need to do that and I'm sorry if I "dragged him through the court of VJ opinion" like someone said but all I wanted was to find some opinions and advice because I didn't know what to do and it's so embarrassing for me to talk with anybody I know about this matter. Thank you all for your replies, they have been very helpful and I appreciate you guys talking the time to give me your opinion.

I read someone asked how we met, we met in a chatroom and became friends and would chat and talk on the phone everyday for over one year till we decided to meet in person. By the time we met we had become an internet couple and every time we met in person we'd always talk about everything. One time the conversation took us to the porn thing and he told me he hadn't seen porn since he was in his 20's, that he thought he didn't need things like that. I saw honesty in his face when he said that, he also had told me that he had never met anyone from online in person, we talked about everything! then, 5 months after that, he showed up in my country with a ring asking my parents for my hand in marriage and then just 2 days after I came to this country I started to find stuff in his apartment, I even found the ticket purchase of a woman that he met online and that had come to stay with him in his apartment for 4 days! according to the date this was before we met. He had slept with her on the same bed I was sleeping in! All these things made me feel horrible as I realized that he had lied about a lot of things. When I confronted him about the porn he blamed it on his friends and he was mad at me for a couple of weeks for not trusting him (can you believe that?) until he came clean and told me it won't happen again. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and that he had to work hard for me to trust him again and he said he would try. It was like getting to know him all over again.

After this, we have now moved to a new place and I had never seen anything porn related in the apartment, so I thought we were done with this issue, of course he used to have his ups and downs like he was bipolar or something but most of the time he was okay, he was kind and sweet but sometimes it was like I had to be walking on eggshells because anything small would trigger him being upset. This behavior continued until we had a big fight in march 2010 and after that we decided to really make things work for ourselves and our baby. Things had been perfect, I really saw change in him. We had been having lots of sex before I left to see my family and most conversations we had on the phone while I was there were about our future and making a 2nd baby. Things had never been better. When I came home he had bought flowers and a balloon and had a present for me -he always has nice details for birthdays and special occasions- but then, the next day everything turned upside down with this receipt I found; at midnight of the 31st I was crying because suddenly I started to feel the same way I felt when I first came here and I felt betrayed again and all those feelings I had kept in a bolt resurfaced.

It's strange, whenever we are intimate, I suggest doing new things and he never likes to try anything, he acts like it's not "correct" to do things out of the ordinary; one time I jokingly told him that I'd get a toy for myself and his reaction was like he didn't want me to get it because I'd like it too much and then things won't be the same when we're together.

Anyway, if for some people it's okay to watch porn, that's fine, but for me, porn has affected my marriage from day 2 and I can only relate it to lies and betrayal.

Actually no, we didn't establish that, the OP did. The man is on Lexapro which is an anti-depressant commonly prescribed as an anti-anxiety medication for recovering addicts. What it does is balances the seratonin levels in the brain. This could've been part of a 12-step rehab program or he simply looked for help.

my husband and I have the same primary doctor and sometimes my husband was okay and happy and loving then the next moment he wouldn't talk to me and be upset about simple things so I decided to tell the doctor about this. She spoke with him (without him knowing i spoke with her first) and then she told me that he was a bit depressed, so she prescribed Lexapro. He never took it until one time he was very accessible and I asked him to try and see how the pill worked. He did try but then he had a reaction... whenever we were in bed he couldn't.. finish. Sometimes it would take almost 2 hours (no kidding), so that's why he decided to stop taking it. I insisted he could continue being on it since I had noticed things were significantly better in our relationship but he simply gave up. I didn't mind too much because his behavior had changed for the better and well, things were less tense in the bedroom because he wasn't stressed about trying to finish.

In her original post, she said she found "stuff about incest." She never mentioned if it was a movie or if it was literature, but whatever. Sorry, i'm not buying it. If you fantasize about watching incest porn, you're sick. I've watched porn before, but never watched nothing about incest. Mom's screwing their son, sisters' screwing their brother, that's flat out wrong.Fantasize all you want about women, positions, places, voyerism, whatever, but incest porn..nah. I have to disagree. Even though it's porn, incest as part of the plot or the main theme is pathetic.

Matt

after I found the web cam site as the last site he had visited before going to my country to marry me, I checked his temporary internet files and that's where I found different video files with the name incest. I never watched anything, so I cannot say if it was real incest or fantasy; there were lots about interracial sex as well(I suppose because we're an interracial couple).

Oh by the way, I neglected to mention their divorced was because, yes, he cheated on her for 10 years and it resulted in offspring. That's how she found out: he received a RECEIPT in the mail and by mistake, she opened it. It was an OBGYN bill. His addiction was manifested outside the porn.

exactly! I've been thinking, should I walk out before this escalates? this is just too much for me right now...

maybe I should go to that "pleasure emporium" store where he went and find a little treat for myself Nah, it's been difficult for me because I've always been like, naive and I don't know how to deal with certain situations because I'm just not used to this kind of stuff and it frustrates me so much that I came to this country to be with him, to have a family and just try to be happy together but now, after 5 yrs, I still have no friends, I have no one to go to if I have a problem, so, I have always tried to make this relationship work. He's always had his good and bad days, he went to counseling with me a couple of times and he tried to be on Lexapro for 1 month and I guess it worked because it had been since then that he had been great all the time with me but i just don't know what the hell happened to him this time. I had great hopes for us. I had never been this cold with him, but I gotta confess it feels good to stand up for myself.

EXACTLY! I am somewhat disturbed by this lady's answers. She wouldn't block the porn? Why not!? If they came to an understanding he wouldn't care, right? And, why have easy access to porn if children are around? The incest sex, not only is disturbing, it could also be a crime if the "actors" are minors. I can't wrap my head around being pissed at porn and ok with the incest. Furthermore, she admits her spouse is part of an interracial sex group. The fact that is interracial is beyond the point, I mean, who cares about the race of the person you're f***ng? The fact that he was a member of this group means there's a strong possibility he's active in sex circuits: swing parties, sex parties, etc. Sexuality is more complicated than a "partnership duty." Like drugs, food, alcohol and shopping, it is a dangerous addiction. Different from the other addictions mentioned, sex and smoking are viral addictions; in other words, it is contagious. Smoking can kill non-smokers. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than to give birth to an HIV positive baby. For all these reasons, this is a serious matter. And no, is not the porn movie. I watch porn. My fiancee knows it. He laughs at it, so we're not "cyber-cheating." We'd never do anything that'd hurt the other.

Yeah, I guess I messed up, I should have blocked cinemax and showtime. and yes, I found that group when I came to this country too and he denied he created it and then after a few days he was so embarrassed that he asked me to help him delete it, and I did. Like I said, this happened 4 yrs ago and I never thought things would go upside down just by me not being here for 10 days. Some people are desperate. All of a sudden he became that nasty old man to me again.