ActiveBarStool

7 minutes ago, laylalex said:

Dude, end it now. Seriously. If she said this to you:

Yeah. This is what literally all of my close friends who know the details are telling me to do 😕

16 hours ago, James120383 said:

Relax bro, she has no intentions of staying in US while you are dreaming away white picket fence , wife, 4 kids and 2 dogs.  Sounds like you are dreaming. Wake up ! 

 

Just saying she has her priorities but you seem to be lost like she is the only woman on this planet 

I never had much luck with dating before I met her, and not much better luck in the 6 months we were open either.. You're right I'm trying to get her to move toward a future she doesn't want.. but the future she wants (traveling all over the world, random adventures, not worrying about where the money will come from, no plans) goes against everything I value in a "long-term" partner.. it's a shame because I qualified her on all these things and loved these qualities in her when we were casually dating but they're the exact opposite of what I'd want in a long-term partner.

She's told me before that I'm trying to get her to be someone she's not - she doesn't disagree with the host family because they give her food, shelter, pay, gifts, vacations, etc which messes up my schedule constantly; she doesn't have a long-term plan for her future because that's not the type of person she is; she wouldn't want to stay in the US if it weren't for me; I want her to use her time to work & up her earning potential so she can pay for her own student visa, she agreed to do it, then never did because she doesn't believe in herself & seems to have no intention of doing it..;

Then she tries to get me to be something I'm not & it makes me resent her: she wants me to always be empathetic to her & on some level put her before myself (which I can't in good conscious do); she wants me to marry her to stay here which goes against my beliefs in marriage (never marry a woman you haven't dated for at least 5-6 years); she suggests I move to Brazil with her to keep things going if she has to leave (which would completely throw off my current life path, that I was happy on before I met her); she wants me to do a long-distance relationship with her (which goes against my views on relationships & I've tried before.. and it was extremely difficult for me, and I eventually caved and broke up with my last long-distance girlfriend); she wanted me to choose between her and other women (because I never saw myself committing to another girl monogamously until I tried having kids after 2 rough experiences with doing it, until I had kids), and I do it because I love her..

We've been seeing each other for 8mo and have deep feelings for one another.

She's from Brazil & has been an au pair here for since July 2019.. she'll extend her stay until July 2021, then we'll need to find another way to keep her here or it will have to end.

Her dream is to travel the world before she has kids, and one day be wealthy/financially comfortable, as her family was very underprivileged growing up, yet she has no college degree so to do this, she became an au pair.

She had a boyfriend in Brazil who she left to visit America (temporarily), then ended up staying here & splitting with him because she liked it & he didn't want to move.

The easiest way for her to continue traveling would he to travel to France & become an au pair there, but I have no interest in moving there.

I'm conflicted because I could see a future with her here in the US, maybe eventually living in South America but not Brazil.

I (with the help of her host family, who loves her & has 3 kids, aged 4, 8, and 12) could financially support her to get a community college degree then eventually get her an office job where we can travel on vacation together.

I'm conflicted because I love her & see a real future with her, but I can't see myself marrying her within the next year & am ambivalent about the idea of letting her be the mother of my children. I made it clear that I can't see myself getting married until 30 at the earliest, 35 ideally not having kids until I'm 30-35.

My current plan of action is to help her get a work visa through her host family, then as a backup try to find the money for a student visa (30k), and as a final backup, help her pay for French lessons so she can move to France  to continue her world travels if both of those fall through.

I guess I'm just lost, because somewhere in my heart of hearts I don't think she could be the mother of my children, but I want to have a future with her, yet I don't want to lead her on to thinking I'd definitely marry her one day.

Any advice would be helpful, because these sorts of questions would usually be answered in a relationship later on & her visa situation may make us both make bad life decisions..