Spheres

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

Is it an issue for her? Maybe you should talk about that TO HER and her family, instead of asking people pn the forum to give you an answer for your girlfriend (?).

First let me say thanks for your detailed response!  I appreciate you taking the time.  I have talked to her about it and she claims it isn't an issue.  But I wanted to hear other people's experience as well.  A single person can lie to you... but if a group of people say "Oh yeah, that's pretty normal actually" then it helps to give confirmation.

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

 

So it's not possible for a beautiful woman to not have had many boyfriends or to be a virgin? Come on, seriously. 

Of course it's "possible", but for a nearly 30 year old and beautiful woman to have 1 partner isn't common -- at least in the States (unless they get married to that person).  And it's also possible I'm being lied to and scammed, thus the original reason for my post.  If the other posters here had said "Oh that's a common lie in the Philippines", that doesn't mean she's lying but it would raise more suspicion for me.  Instead, the posters said that it can be common because some Philippine areas are very conservative, so that helps put my mind at ease.

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

 

So maybe you should go there, learn about the culture and what life is like there. Ask her, learn where she lives, what school she went to, what was her childhood like, what do her parents do, how much does a can of coke cost there, what exactly is her job and what does she do at work all day, her colleagues, etc etc etc. Again: talk TO HER. 

Nobody on this forum can tell you if she's a scammer or genuinly interested in you. You need to talk to her and see if things add up, just like you would do with any other potential future girlfriend. 

I have talked to her for many months and I know those answers already -- I didn't include those for matter of privacy.  The issue isn't about those questions, it's about whether she's being truthful or not in her intentions.  I know that no one here can definitively state whether she's a scammer or not.  But I think people can share their experiences and see if they see any red flags that I might be missing.

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

 

I think this is ridiculous. One cannot judge a person or a nation like this. Don't insult Philippinos. Imagine being in her shoes, how would you like being judged like that?

Of course every person is their own unique individual.  But people are also molded and shaped by their environment.  I don't think being more cautious is "ridiculous" at all, especially considering that I am looking only for a serious long-term relationship.  I want to make a wise decision.

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

Bringing something from the country of your origin seems nicer to me, bring them things they (probably) do not know. Would you want your visitor from the other side of the world to bring you something they bought in the CVS a block from your house?

But you are certainly correct - it would be easier to buy chocolates there after you land. Make your choice. 

I was responding to the fact that he was buying the same chocolate brands there as he was here.  But honestly, chocolates are the least of my concerns.  

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

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I understand you are worried and looking for advice, which is a good thing. Have you had any experience with long-distance dating? 

There are many signs that can tell you she's committed to the relationship. Obviously no guarantees, but can be signs of her wanting to do things for you.

(You mentioned "things" on camera....so both of you (I assume) did "things" which both of you (I assume) enjoyed and now you judge her because of that? That seems quite off to me, friend. If one's thinking they way you are thinking, does that mean that YOU are so willing to do "things" on camera and you have done it with hundreds of women?)

Thanks, yes I just want to make sure I'm being sound of mind and not only being emotional.  I agree, there are no guarantees and in the end, as long as I'm not being scammed I will just need to jump in head first.  

I didn't mean to say she would do it with hundreds of men just because she did things on web-cam -- there's a wide range of numbers between 1 and 'hundreds'.  Like I said by her age I had been with half a dozen women, and now I'm 18 years older than that even.  So yes, I would expect someone who's wiling to do things on webcam to have been with more than 1 person, but less than hundreds.   It could be faulty logic on my part, and it's why I asked the forum.

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

 

1. Timezone difference.

There's a 12-or-more-hour difference between the Philippines and the USA. Consider this when you talk to her on the phone or text with her. Is she getting up early or staying up late because of you? Does she re-schedule her daily routines to be able to talk/text with you? Do you do the same?

Yes we have both restructured our schedules to talk with one another.  We seem to always be able to make time for each other.

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

2. Family and friends.

Does she talk about them at all? Does she tell you what she did with her friends? Does she mention you to them? Does she name specific people, mentions their names, what they do, how they became friends etc?

Yes she talks about them sometimes, sends pics when she's out with them, etc.  I do the same as well.  

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

3. Gifts. 

A gift doesn't need to be something expensive. Make it cute and personal, show her that you know her. Not every girl wants diamonds or loves shopping clothes etc. Infuse your gifts with meaning. Try and see if she appreciates those. Does she gift you anything?

I've gotten her small gifts, and sent her a small amount of money too.  She hasn't sent me anything.   

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

4. Trust. 

Definitely the most important brick in the wall of love. You cannot start building without having it. 

I'm definitely not suggesting you "test" her or try to catch her lying. But. Does she live up to her promises? If something goes wrong and she cannot, does she explain to you why? 

Talk to her as much as you can, learn as much about her as you can. That will take time, but you need to invest some time to see what she's like, how she handles all kinds of situations, are there discrepancies in her behaviour or her words that could mean she isn't telling you the truth. 

I haven't really caught her in any lies, but how can I really?  Everything she says, I have to take at face-value, which is why I ask about it on this forum -- to see if there's any scamming-type patterns that others might know of that they can shed light on.  But yes I'll continue the communications and hopefully the truth will make itself known one way or another.

10 hours ago, jeaniecz said:

Good luck in getting to know her and with your relationship. 

 

Thanks so much, and again thanks for the lengthy response!

On 2/19/2020 at 1:24 PM, Tacos said:

1) Tread lightly, cautiously optimistic 

2) NEVER send money unless you’ve been in a relationship for a while

3) Have multiple escape plans 

4) Trust your friend’s judgment, if they don’t feel good about it, bail out. People let their emotions get in the way of seeing the truth.

Thanks, yes 1) I tend to be cautious in general anyway, so cautiously optimistic is exactly how I feel now.  2)   Too late... already sent some.   3)  By escape plans you mean from the relationship, or do you mean from physical harm??  4)  Good point -- my friends have already weighed in with their opinions, too.

On 2/18/2020 at 6:34 PM, Kby175 said:

It will say on the bag where they were made, if you purchase for example Hershey's kisses from the US they will most likely come from Hershey, PA. If you buy a bag of Hershey Kisses from the Philippines it will have a Philippines city and address. Also, the bags of chocolate are much smaller.

As for your statement earlier if she is earning 500 pesos per day this above the average, the normal wage is closer to the minimum wage of 300 pesos per day.  

 

My advice if you care to hear it at all it's fine if you don't want to hear it. Do not be in a rush, I speak from experience I met a girl on a dating site, went to visit her once came back applied for the K1 she was with me in the US in less than a year. Things just went bad, this is life and went through the fun of a divorce. I did fall in love with the country and the people of the Philippines so 4 years ago I met my current wife. I was planning on retiring in the Philippines in the next 3 years but right now that won't be possible due to having to care for my elderly mother. I have been visiting the Philippines twice a year for the past 4 years until my mother got sick, so now I am getting ready to file a spousal visa to bring her and our 10 month old baby over.  

 

If at all possible take a couple of trips to get to know her and her family better and enjoy the Philippines and it's people.  If you need any advice or help about the Philippines let me know I have been traveling there since 1998.

Thanks I'll take that advice and try to slow things down and keep a level head.  Good luck on your situation too.  I'm curious if having a child with her makes your visa process more difficult?  (I'll definitely take you up on your offer and will shoot you a message when I'm closer to my trip date for some Philippines advice!)

13 minutes ago, Kby175 said:

 

My advice if you care to hear it at all it's fine if you don't want to hear it. Do not be in a rush, I speak from experience I met a girl on a dating site, went to visit her once came back applied for the K1 she was with me in the US in less than a year. Things just went bad, this is life and went through the fun of a divorce. 

Thanks for the info and advice!  Good luck on your current relationship as well.  Would you mind sharing how things went bad once she was here in the States?  

28 minutes ago, dnavinnie said:

I am no expert but I have been thru a successful K-1 and an currently going thru a CR-1 visa. There is nothing wrong with dating sites to meet great people. I have been scammed by someone I visited twice so you need to be careful...

Can you tell me how you were scammed by the lady you met,  if it's not too personal?  Also did you miss red flags along the way?

9 hours ago, JE57 said:

 

   You'll have no problem but ask her if you are worried.

 

    I was thinking about this I'd suggest be careful of this line of thinking just because she's beautiful does not mean that she is promiscuous you might offend her if you suggest this.

 

    If she's not with a college degree or even with one if she's working as a salesperson in a store or something like that she might make 300 to 500 per day even money goes far in the Philippines it's still not alot especially if you she is also responsible for some rent and personal care etc. 

 

    Please don't judge a whole country based on a stranger on the internet's ancadotal evidence.  She may be a completely honest person.  Perhaps I've just been unluck in that the people that my wife and I meet have tended to tell some white lies

 

    For some reason the exact same chocolates brought from the USA are much more valued 🙂

She claims she isn't worried about it, I already discussed with her.  But what people say and what people believe aren't always the same thing.  I'll just have to take her word for it.

I wasn't meaning to say I think she is promiscuous, only that I would have guessed she'd have more romantic partners than just one at her age.  It seems almost impossible or at least rather improbable, but I won't assume that she's lying.  

She does have a degree but doesn't make much more than the 500p per day that you mentioned, and she also pays some rent.  That seems like such a small amount to me, but apparently that's just the norm over there.

I'm cautious of people anyway, especially given my track record with the (American) women.  But I guess I'll try to go into this with a cautiously optimistic approach.  Thanks!

P.S.  How would they know where the chocolates were bought from?

8 hours ago, Hank_ said:

 

Isn't that the truth with the chocolates ...   

 

There is an S&R not far from our home there, same chocolates, but they want to take them from that BB box   

Forgive my ignorance but what is "BB Box"?  I tried to search and I'm unclear what this reference is.  

11 hours ago, Hank_ said:

1.  Majority of people here (Philippines forum) met their spouse online, nothing unusual there.   Age gap ..  most have an age gap, my wife and I have a larger age gap than you two .. and yes my wife looks much younger than her actual age so leave age gap at the curb as long as you are both comfortable with it.   Do know you will drag some attention at times   over time you won't notice.

 

2.  Sending money. Everyone on here will tell you "asking for money" is the #1 RED FLAG to be watchful for, and yes some may use a "ploy" rather than outright asking.   If you are sending money .. STOP!   Take money off the table and out of this "relationship", if she keeps playing the "poor mouth" card then pay attention to this RED FLAG and back away.  Remember she was living her life before you came along, and part of living her life may be scamming guys out of money .. just don't be one.  If when you stop sending money she stays true then move forward.

 

3. Sexual partners.  The Philippines is, for the most part, a very conservative country ..  a "very beautiful woman" may have never had sexual partners at all, so I would not automatically call "foul" that she has only been with one person ... I wouldn't wear blinders either.  Its good that you are being cautious .. 

 

4.  Who of us is "getting any younger"?  I understand what you are saying, but again .. an ounce of prevention and worth a pound of cure.  I tend to be a blunt as a post kind of guy, and that is what I suggest .. don't be putting on your "dating face",  what you would not tolerate later you should not tolerate now .. and you need to look past her "dating face" as well.  I actually did a few things that seriously annoyed my wife just to push things and see where it all goes .. after all couples do bang heads at times, good to know if TAMPO shows up quickly or what.

 

You go to visit, you meet ALL her family (my wife had most of her immediate family at the airport BTW) ..  you two hit it off .    Once again I will use "most"  .. Most only meet once before getting engaged and starting the visa process (K-1), so don't let that weigh on you either.   But I would suggest as a few others have to look serious at getting married in the Philippines and completing the CR-1 spouse visa, there are so many benefits to this .. I wish I had known more back "when" as I would have for sure did the CR-1 instead of the K-1.  Yes the K-1 is quicker, but a few months, but once your special someone arrives in the states is when the CR-1 really shines!   Besides if you two have a genuine relationship a few months isn't a big deal.

 

I will give you a link to the petition process.   https://www.visaconnection-philippines.com/uscis-petition-process.html   There are pages to cover all phases of the visa process, but for now when things get serious stay with the USCIS info.

 

There is no EXPEDITE route, except that the K-1 is slightly faster.  The CR-1 is just "smarter" (and cheaper)  But you two will decide this  .... IF!

 

And remember!  Never let the little head do the thinking!

Thanks for the in-depth response!   First, can you please tell me why you wish you had done the CR-1 instead?  Why does it "really shine" once they arrive in the States?

As for the rest of it, thanks for the reassurance about the age thing.  And I only sent a few hundred dollars, but I won't send anymore until I meet her.  I understand what you mean about the sexual partners, It's just that sometimes things seem "too good to be true" so I have to question how a beautiful woman has so few partners at her age.  Thanks again and I look forward to your info about the CR-1!

4 hours ago, JE57 said:

I applaud you for coming here with eyes wide open about the possibility of being scammed.  That does happen in the Philippines but I'm not sure that she is scamming you.   Here are some of my thoughts. 

 

Wow thanks for the great detailed response. Regarding A), yes I am young looking for my age but then so is she -- so we still look about 1/2 a generation apart if not a little more.  It doesn't bother me at all, but I don't want it to be an issue for her -- like if it's frowned upon by her family/friends.

Regarding B), I'm not sure her experience 'matters' -- only that it's difficult to believe because she's so beautiful.  It would be like if someone driving a Mercedes told you they didn't have much money... it wouldn't really add up.  But then maybe it's the norm in the Philippines to not date a lot (as you described), or maybe I find her more attractive than other people do? LOL

Regarding C), that's good to hear your experience on money issues.  Yes she claims even as a full time worker that she doesn't make much per month.  And she claims she is responsible for food on the table (even though her parents work?).  So I don't really understand the whole thing, but I know I don't want this to become fiscally motivated.  At the same time, I realize that Philippines is very poor country, so I won't judge too harshly.

Regarding D), that's a bit disheartening to hear that you feel most people lie in the Philippines.  I will have to take that into consideration then, because trust is a very difficult thing to earn no matter what country you're in (this is my first time trying to date a Filipina) -- so if it's especially prevalent in the Philippines then maybe I need to reconsider things.

Regarding E), thanks for the tips on gifts.  Yes I had planned on bringing some small gifts for the family, or at least purchasing them when I land there.  Wouldn't it just be easier to buy the chocolates in the Philippines rather than taking a suitcase full of it?

Again thanks so much for your thoughtful response!  It's much appreciated, as I am too old to have my heart broken again LOL.

6 hours ago, payxibka said:

USCIS requires no original documents

Even if I need to give her documents, i.e Death/Divorce certificate?  These can also be copies?

18 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

Where are you seeing transphobia here?

I think he said that because someone mentioned that "she" could be a "bloke".  But I agree with you, I didn't see it as transphobia -- just that user was warning it's possible the person is misrepresenting who they are to me, so I shouldn't be so quick to trust or send money.

7 minutes ago, RUJEN said:

I was in your shoes a year ago, I met a Flipina from Leyte on Facebook, we chatted twice a day for 7-8 months before I went to meet her, I go to Cebu  every year for vacation anyhow, so I had her meet me there. I read all the warning signs and "do's and don'ts" and what to expect from a province girl.

The whole time we chatted, she never asked for money except for when it was time to go to Cebu to meet me, she wanted boat money (very understandable)....

While I was there, I had her get 3 copies of her birth certificate, 3 copies of her husbands death certificate, 4 copies of a passport photo and her letter of intent (which I made 2 copies of that)....

Thanks to these great people here on VJ, I was able to read ahead of time to know what papers I needed if I planned on doing the K1 process.

I can warn you to beware of Cebu city women, most are genuine sweet women but there are many scammers too and they are good at it.

best of luck to you......

Perfect!  This is the type of info i was looking for specifically.  So by obtaining those documents you listed, it helped to expedite the process of getting K1, because you didn't have to try to send via mail back and forth?  Is there anything else you can think of besides what you listed:

• 3 Copies of her Birth Certificate
• 3 Copies of Divorce or Death certificates
• 4 Copies of her passport photo (2x2 I presume still)
• 2 Copies of signed Letter of Intent

Is there anything else she needs to give me?  Do I need to give her anything on my end like Divorce/Death certificates or Financial info?

17 minutes ago, sl1pstream said:

I didn't send my girlfriend anything until after we met. Sending money to what essentially amounts to strangers who you sort of suspect to be scammers, otherwise you wouldn't be here, isn't being cheap. It's being smart.

13 minutes ago, Paul & Mary said:

Your not dating . . . you have an online relationship

Ok points taken.  I don't want this to become a debate, but to me every relationship is different.  No we're not dating in the traditional sense of the word, since we're separated by over 8000 miles of earth and water.  And by no means do I mean chatting online always means you're in a relationship, or that you should immediately treat them like a girlfriend.  I chatted others before her from the dating site that I never sent money, but we only chatted a short time.  But I do think it's also possible to have someone that you consider a 'girlfriend' that you haven't met, in that you are promising each other that you'll focus solely on that relationship, if that makes sense. 

And even if I meet her, does that automatically mean she isn't a scammer?  She could just be using me for a Visa for all I know, too.  And while she has said that she'd live anywhere with me, I have no way to know if that is true or not.  Again, I don't believe she's a scammer (I just am paranoid from what I've read online), but if you all tell me she sounds like one, then I'll definitely reconsider my position.

5 minutes ago, Paul & Mary said:

If things go well while you are there there are two things you can do:

 

Ask to meet her mother/family.   If she is doing a scam she probably won't want her mother to meet you.  

 

Or tell here you like it so much you are thinking of retiring there.  If she says she really wants to move to the US instead, proceed with caution. 

 

When I told Mary we can move to Mexico right away, even before filing for the US, she said she would live anywhere with me.   Now she has two green cards and 3 driver's licenses.

 

Yes I did video with her mother - and she wants me to meet them quickly after I land.  She said maybe the whole family will greet me at the airport.  This is a good sign then?

3 minutes ago, Duke & Marie said:

Even without the graphic detail. This comment to suggest your not her first online or second BF! 

 

There are still till a lot of things many married couples don’t do on line. 

Yes that was my feeling as well.  She claims she never did it before.... but again, maybe this is common practice by Filipina to do this so readily on webcam?  Or maybe it isn't, and I found one who is just lying to me?  It's where I was hoping experience on the board could educate me, for better or worse.

4 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

US immigration doesn't care about any of that type of minutiae, although it would be in your favor if she could be added to your health insurance.  

 

There are income parameters used to be able to sponsor an immigrant, and also to sponsor an immigrant's adjustment of status (green card).  See form I-864.  The criteria are becoming tougher as of 2/24/2020.

 

I'm surprised you're not finding anything about the public charge, as it is currently a hot topic, with threads all over VJ as well as the internet in general.

 

In a nutshell, when you sign that affidavit of support (I-864), you are making a contract with the US government to repay any public benefits she uses up until she has 40 quarters of work or becomes a USC.  This is in place as long as she remains in the US, even if you divorce.

I didn't mean I didn't find anything -- I meant I couldn't find a lot of specific criteria that must be met.  The only thing it says on the I-864 form is the table below (truncated for readability).  And that seems like an extremely low bar for income eligibility?  Or am I missing something?

That makes more sense about having to repay the public benefits -- she wouldn't be on any though if we are married, as we wouldn't qualify.  Or does she qualify on her own somehow?  I understand what you mean about divorce... yes, that's something I'll definitely consider.  Thanks!

18 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

Not sure what you mean about “normal household expenses.”

 

She won’t be able to work or leave the US for 5-7 months at least.

 

 You should research “public charge,” as you will be on the hook for her financially until certain criteria are met (even if you divorce.)

I meant like I have my own house and pay the mortgage and utilities already for it, so that wouldn't be a burden.  I'd buy her food and clothes of course.  And other usual household item needs.  She'd also be carried under my health insurances, which would just require extra deductions from the paycheck.  

I tried to search on public charge, but couldn't find the criteria you're referencing -- can you elaborate on that? 

Thanks again, all!

6 minutes ago, Duke & Marie said:

A true boyfriend would save his money for a flight over there to meet her, after all time together is the best time.. it will also give you the best possible perspective of the relationship before considering marriage.

Yes, I have already purchased the tickets to see her so there's no need to save money for that, but I see what you are saying.  I'll try to be more judicious in that manner, thanks.

5 minutes ago, Boiler said:

I always think it is a good idea to think what you would say if a friend of yours came up with this situation and asked for your advise.

 

At least meet before you consider where this is going, she could be a bloke.

I like your first piece of advice there -- I'll consider that.  By 'bloke' do you mean a guy?  We have done lots of "things" on camera... I don't think it's possible unless she's post-op?

4 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

Again, there is no expedite.

 

I recommend you look at the petition (I-129f) with its optional instructions/checklist on the USCIS.gov site.  
 

The only thing she needs to sign for the petition is a letter of intent to marry you.  You should save boarding passes and make sure you get a passport stamp as evidence of the required reading.

 

I strongly recommend you do as much reading and research as possible about the process before proceeding.  You need to understand the financial obligations when bringing over an immigrant, and the general process to get from filed petition to green card.

Ok thanks, the "letter of intent" I heard elsewhere too so I'll have her sign that when I'm there.  I make decent earnings so I don't think the finances should be an issue but I will definitely look into it more.  Are there things you know of that I'm not already considering -- besides normal household expenses?

Ok thanks so much for for reading and responses -- I don't like to hear a lot of the advice so far, but maybe I need to.  So basically it sounds like I have been pretty dumb.  Just to explain further, I feel like if I were dating here in the USA, I'd have to spend considerable money on dining out and gifts as well.  So I wouldn't want to send this Filipina nothing if we are considered dating -- what kind of boyfriend would that be?

And I didn't feel that meeting over 6 months after initial contact was taking it too fast though?  Or do you mean the thought of proposing when I first meet her?    I also forgot to mention she is in Cebu.  I'm not sure if that matters or not (i.e. isn't nearby Angeles City known for scammers??)

And it isn't that I believe she's a scammer, I hope she isn't but I've been reading so many stories -- and I just am not certain if I'm being blinded by my feelings. 

Thanks for advice on Rapid Visa -- I will try to do it myself then if we get engaged.  What do I need to bring with me and hand to her (or have her sign) in order to expedite things once I'm back State-side?

Hello, I'm new here but have been reading the topics today.  Can someone give me good advice on some questions I have?  Sorry in advance for the long post.

First, some background.... I met this wonderful Filipina lady online (via dating site, don't judge me) - and we hit it off pretty quickly.  This was back in September -- so I started making plans with her to go there, and visit.  I'm young looking (for my age), but we have 18 year age difference between us -- and well, i do NOT look 18 years younger than my age.  She has a professional stable job, and we video quite often as well as text every day throughout the day.  I have done brief video with her family, and have chatted her sister as well.  Her sister even offered to purchase a gift and give it to her since I'm not there to do it.

Second, she has never specifically asked for money - but she does complain about her budget sometimes and says it stresses her out.  I'll admit I have sent her some money as gifts for Christmas, Valentine's Day, and her Birthday.  So question #1 -- is she scamming me?  Is it common for Filipina to complain about their budget issues?  I asked her what she would have done had I not come along, and she said she'd just eat less or borrow from someone -- is she just guilting me?  So I do send money, but I limit it only as gifts for special occasions -- was this stupid of me?

Third, she is SO beautiful, but claims she only had ONE sexual partner.  I'm just a normal looking fellow, and by her age I had at least 1/2 a dozen girlfriends most of whom I had sex with.  I find it very hard to believe she only had one sexual partner -- but maybe it's true?  Is it common for Filipina to not have many sexual partners?  Or is it common for them to lie and say they only had few?

I know you might think if I have suspicions then I must not have genuine feelings for her.  But that isn't true -- I just have read a LOT online about romance scams, so it's fueling my paranoia.  I make a decent amount of money, but I'm far from rich, so I don't want to just send be throwing away money if this is some common scam I'm not aware of.  But I also care about her and don't want her to be suffering while I am able to save so much each month, it seems unfair.

So assuming this isn't a scam (am I being naive?), I am going there soon and we have talked about getting engaged if we indeed hit it off.  As I'm not getting any younger, I'd love to expedite the process if at all possible.  Is there any specific paperwork I should take with me (or that we should review/sign together) to move the process along faster?  I talked to Rapid Visa (are they any good?) and they said there's nothing to do until I meet her.  But then I talked to others and they said there's a host of paperwork we can sign/exchange or something -- and so I don't know what is correct.  I don't want this to drag out for a long time... any advice??