a-jeanne

Well, it's been 8 months since he left and reading back through my posts I see how confused I was. I apologize for airing any dirty laundry and thank everyone who offered support in any way. I hope that everyone's journey is going as well as they hoped. Unfortunately, it was the end of the line for mine.

Good luck everyone and it feels nice to see some familiar faces.

Well, it's been 8 months since he left and reading back through my posts I see how confused I was. I apologize for airing any dirty laundry and thank everyone who offered support in any way. I hope that everyone's journey is going as well as they hoped. Unfortunately, it was the end of the line for mine.

Good luck everyone!

But he didn't put his name on it. It was a gift to me. He also didn't put his name on any utilities or help pay any bills while he was here.

All of the proof that I have will not look good for him in the USCIS's eyes. He didn't put his name on anything and wasn't happy about working here. He basically lived off my income and was happy to transfer his pension $$$ over for almost double. He also moved his things out and left for two months without telling the USCIS. He has never shared any of his financial information with me but I have recently found most of it. He was served with papers and no one has seen him. I hope that he just goes back home and walks away. He has a house in the UK and has been paying the utilities there for over a year and when he had things shipped to the house here, he used the billing address as his UK address. He doesn't show ties here. What do you guys think?

I have sent a letter to the USCIS canceling my support. I know that he can go ahead with the GC on his own but he doesn't have bonafide proof that the marriage was legit. He doesn't have anything in his name here. I have also changed all of the locks. When the police showed up when he came back, they talked him into staying somewhere else for the night and that we would see the counselor in the morning. The counselor finally go a hold of me that night and suggested I get a restraining order and that he could be a danger to me and my children. So, the next day, I filed for divorce. He sent me an email wanting me to go to the counselor with him, but I didn't respond and today I found out that he can canceled this appointment with her. Our hearing is Monday and my question was, what if he doesn't show up? What if he doesn't come back? How will the divorce become final? I also sent an email to the USCIS regarding his address change and that I don't know where he is. Will this flag his visa? If he is out of the country, will he be able to get back in? Has anyone else gone through this?

I've been on here before and don't want to bring up all of the circumstances. I just want to know what happens if my husband doesn't show up for the Temporary Hearing? I think he may have gone back to the UK. Now what? I have filed for divorce and the papers were served to him as he was in town. I didn't feel I had a choice in the matter because he came back after being gone 2 months wanting to come back into the house. It's a pro se divorce. He has cancelled another appointment with the counselor and I think he's gone. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

All I would say right now is how good you were/are at understanding other peoples problems and what a source of frustration it was to the likes of ___ and I that we only wanted you to see what was happening with your own life. I guess I have known you for around 15 years and always saw you as a bright young thing, full of life and energy, wanting to love and be loved. You would smile now, I hope, but I used to agree on one thing and that was if I was 15 or so years younger I would want you as my partner. Seeing you in later years slowly changing to someone with the weight of the world on your beautiful shoulders saddened me. So like you would do for others, I would try to give some insight into how your relationship with ____ was actually suffocating that joyous person that you truly are. On a personal note I still find you a very attractive person and you just have to believe that of yourself and the world will come to you. Believe me its never to late to go on to something/someone new. I briefly said in an email to you that I was finding certain things very difficult over here and I feel even more inclined to share that with you now, but it would be far easier if we could chat. Both Skype and YIM are free to download and use. Of course you would need a microphone to talk. So I hope you are having the day off to make for an enjoyable long weekend in which case have fun and take care. You are always in my thoughts love ___ XX

Hi,

Most importantly, keep in mind that the feedback you receive from VJs will be different based on the culture of the person giving feedback. I know from my travels that different people in different countries have different views and beliefs. But it must be respected.

1st - Talk to him

2nd - Consider his statement "if I was 15 or so years younger" - Love does not have any age barriers - If my partner wrote this, then I would feel like he 'settled' for me, that is, I am second best.

3rd - You mention in a later post that you have been having counselling for about 6 months - If after 6 months counselling he is writing this type of stuff to another women then I would ask for a refund from the Counsellor.

I am neither for or against Divorce BUT I am all for living life with someone who loves me and wants to be with me and being happy. This is more important than a legal label.

This must be such a difficult time for you and my heart goes out to you. I will include you in my prayers.

Best of luck.

Cheers,

THANK YOU

I thought the OP was going through a divorce.... ---this is confusing. really confusing.

Come on Len - I am allowed to ask. Sorry you are so confused. Who said I was getting a divorce?

I certainly didn't post this to get negative responses. I posted this at an angry moment and yes, I am also confused. I want to make the right decision for me, my daughters and my husband and I am quite surprised at how many of you just think that getting a divorce is just THAT easy. THAT is actually the easy way out. What happened to working hard? We worked hard to get our loved ones here - we should all stick together - good times and bad. I thought that the Visa forum would be more supportive than this. Thank you to all the people who see that sometimes we can come out of these types of situations with stronger marriages - do I want to just throw it all away? NO - I don't want to throw it all away. I am hoping that there is a thread of a chance that he will see how much he hurt me and our marriage and how wrong it is to send these kinds of messages. He has been sending them since he's been here and we have talked about it and were in the process of counseling for the last 6 months. But until he sees that it is wrong, we will not get through this. And by asking you people what you thought, only made me feel a less insane. I hope that none of you have to go through this and if it does happen to you, just remember, your marriage might just survive it. Just don't be so quick to throw in the towel.

And in response to reading his emails, talk to any counselor - his emails are my emails.

Well - I'm otta here. I thought this was a place where I could find people to talk to and find comfort. Thanks......but no thanks.

He just sent this to her. Sorry about the post. I guess I want to make sure that I am making the right decision. Again - sorry.

All I would say right now is how good you were/are at understanding other peoples problems and what a source of frustration it was to the likes of ___ and I that we only wanted you to see what was happening with your own life. I guess I have known you for around 15 years and always saw you as a bright young thing, full of life and energy, wanting to love and be loved. You would smile now, I hope, but I used to agree on one thing and that was if I was 15 or so years younger I would want you as my partner. Seeing you in later years slowly changing to someone with the weight of the world on your beautiful shoulders saddened me. So like you would do for others, I would try to give some insight into how your relationship with ____ was actually suffocating that joyous person that you truly are. On a personal note I still find you a very attractive person and you just have to believe that of yourself and the world will come to you. Believe me its never to late to go on to something/someone new. I briefly said in an email to you that I was finding certain things very difficult over here and I feel even more inclined to share that with you now, but it would be far easier if we could chat. Both Skype and YIM are free to download and use. Of course you would need a microphone to talk. So I hope you are having the day off to make for an enjoyable long weekend in which case have fun and take care. You are always in my thoughts love ___ XX

I have them going to a daycare now. Thanks for that. I know that he has a right - I think - to be at the house too, but if the locks are changed and the house is in my name and he breaks in - then what?

Troubled,

I know I am sticking my nose in here but your post made me think of my situation with my DH.

I have really struggled to adapt in the US and am sort of feeling more at ease after being here 2 years next month.

I am an English speaker but I have often wondered what an enormous adjustment and struggle it must be for people whose first language is not English.

DH and I have had massive fall-outs in these last 2 years and have come very, very close to divorce a few times. One of the major reasons I have held back is because I think back to what we have had to endure in order to be together. I had residual resentment that my first year of marriage was spent essentially as a single gal due to him being here & me being in SA while waiting for our approval ~ you all know that drill!

Adjusting to marriage is hard enough but when you throw in immigration, USCIS, driver's licenses, trying to find a job, foreign certification, no friends or family ~ starting your life over from SCRATCH ~ (then throw in the male ego )... It's tough. I often think that DH has not always really understood my situation as we are living in the town he grew up in, his mom is 10 minutes down the road, his brother is an hour away, my first year here I earned peanuts while working on getting my credentials recognized in the States, etc. etc.

Talk about starting off a new marriage on totally unequal footing, which for some people can be a bigger issue than for others.

How long has your DH been in the US now? Is this not something you can take your time on because undoing it would be so hard.

Don't get me wrong: I am far from an incurable romantic and I am not opposed to divorce but situations like this just remind me of my own & that I am relieved we took our time and then, changed our minds.

If I am out of line, please say so.

Good luck

This is where I am struggling in my marriage and thoughts of divorce. I have heard stories that once you get through the adjustment period (however long that is) that things could work out. I mean - we came together for love - what happened to that? It was a lot of hard work getting him here and I hate to throw it all away. The homesick for him was hard and don't even speak of ego - he doesn't have one (so he says). He left three weeks ago and I know that he would like to come back, but what is hard for me is that he moved all of his things out before he went on his so-called holiday. Yes, drinking was a big part of it too - and the age difference as he is 17 years older than me and is retired. He changed everything but his eye color - THAT has to be hard. But how do you get them to admit it and work on the adjustment and get on with life? Can there be a new start?

I'm curious what adjustments couples have had to do in bringing loved ones here? What are their adjustments and what are yours (the US citizen).

I need some quick advice. I think that he is back and staying with what used to be my friends. I have a feeling that his is going to try and move back in while I'm at work. I have changed the locks - the house is in my name. What do I do? I have two daughers that will be going to the home after school. Help? What kind of rights do I have?

the negatives far outweigh the positives. Our core values are not the same and he doesn't like my children. THAT is the most important thing to me.

There's your answer! Now you can move forward. Remember that we are here for support.

Thank you everyone. It means so much to me going through this...

Thank you very much for that si man. I have done that and the negatives far outweigh the positives. Our core values are not the same and he doesn't like my children. THAT is the most important thing to me.

Well, it's been two weeks and we have only had communication through email. I am NOT ready to talk to this man. First of all, he keeps telling me that he only went away on holiday. Hmmm, I don't think that you take all of your belongings, you don't tell your wife where you are going, when he'll be back, etc. He didn't even leave me a phone number or address in case of an emergency. I saw the counselor and she said that he stopped in before he left and was angry that she took my side. Well, that's not true. She only told him that he had to quit this emotional affair with another woman. Secondly, he doesn't have a clue that this is wrong. He still believes that having these women in his life and turning to them for emotional support was ok. I am hopeful to get on with my life and concentrate on my daughters and my job. I think what he is trying to do is place the blame on me so he can tell all his friends that I told him to leave. He has been sending emails to friends telling them that he's having a wonderful time in Canada visiting his son and that he'll be back in Wisconsin sometime next week. What a fool! Any suggestions would be appreciated.

The house is in my name and was given to me by him after we were married. We live in a no fault state when things are split 50/50 except for gifts. Is there a chance I could loose the house? He has a house (that is paid for too) in the UK and had that before we were married - does that count? What about his pension and investments? Any advice? I am more stressed about loosing this house because it is the home that I have made for my girls.

The locks are being changed right now. I talked to our "mutual" friend and she said the he is only gone for two weeks. He has never told me that and when a person takes all of his belongings, doesn't that mean he's not coming back? He stopped off at the counselor before he left and told her that he needed some time to regroup. WTH? He didn't tell me that at ALL. This is a mind game that I don't want to play. I am terribly hurt -

When I arrived home last night - ALL of this things are gone. He has a friend (my friend) storing his stuff at their house. Then this morning he sent me an email stating that he still loves me. I sure don't know what to do. This is driving me crazy.

you are now left to greive the death of your relationship. take your time.

when you're done, you'll look back and breathe a sigh of relief at how easy your seperation was. others have divorced malicious persons. your ex is just a self centered fool.

now buck up and find that chocolate ice cream.

Thank you

I found his one - way ticket.

Audrey, I am so sorry to hear that things are not working out for you guys. How terrible that he has violated your trust and the sanctity of you marriage so early on. I think you are right that you need to protect yourself and your daughters in this situation. As others have stated, above, you should contact a divorce attorney to determine what your legal options are.

As far as his status in the US, since he has a green card, he is a Legal Permanent Resident, with conditional residency for 2 years from the date the greencard is approved.

You are his sponsor, I presume, which does mean that you are still financially responsible for him, in that if he seeks public assitance, you'd be on the hook for reimbursement. However, if I am mot mistaken, he has retirement income, so that shouldn't bring problems for you.

The real question is, does he want to stay in the US? If yes, as Muffin noted, he would have to prove that the marriage was entered into in good faith and most likely could remove conditions on his own. If no, then he only needs to pack his stuff and return to the UK.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything.

He has left. I don't know if he's coming back. Now what do I do?

moving as this really is no longer a K-1 issue

Where did you move it to?