TheZilla

I'm not sure if I've got all the details right, but you're saying she's still got her conditional 2-year green card?

As far as I know, if she wants to be able to stay here, she has the option to divorce him, and then file a form that would allow her to get the conditions on her green card lifted herself as long as she can prove the marriage was entered into on good faith. Do some research on the "I-751" form, I think that might be the one she might be able to use.

Documentation is probably the key word here. I'm hoping there are joint assets with her name on them? Things like leases/deeds, joint bank accounts, car titles, bills, etc. showing joint ownership. She will need to gather things like this and have them as proof. Also, I think the waiver requires affidavits from people willing to testify to the validity of the marriage through their own observations. That could be you, and other friends/family that have seen them together as a married couple.

If she's being abused, has there been any police involvement? If so, copies of police reports would be a good thing to have too.

Again, I'm not entirely clear on her situation and the specifics, and I have never dealt directly with the I-751 procedure, I thought that might just be a lead to follow. Whatever the situation is, I would think the first move would probably be to divorce this guy as soon as possible, and do whatever she can to ensure her safety. If he's a dangerously violent individual and possessive, staying or going from the U.S. would be a moot point if this guy will hurt her. Maybe she should get out of there, find somewhere to go where it's safe, and make an infopass appointment or something to discuss her options.

Hope maybe some of this was helpful. Good luck and I hope your friend gets through this.

I don't qualify for legal aid and I've already got credit card debt I'm punching away at.

I haven't taken a cash advance out on a credit card in six years and I swore never to do that again because that's how the credit card companies get you. The debt I have now is not humongous, but it's taking a long time to pay it off because they absolutely screwed me on the interest rates for cash advances. The interest rates they have for straight charges are nothing compared to the interest they charge for cash advances. Another lesson I learned the hard way!!

I'm just going to use my savings, I'm staying away from debt of any kind!

I'm in Hernando County, I actually live a little over an hour outside of Tampa. The fees here for filing for the simplified divorces vary a little depending on what type you do, but it starts at about $420 up to about $475 (not including extra for paying a process server if one is necessary). This particular county sucks because they make it damn near impossible to find the forms online to print for free, they seem to want people to pay for the packets.

Really wouldn't want to beg for money to pay for my divorce. Seriously, there have been whole families on street corners here from time to time holding up signs because they've been foreclosed on. That seems more pressing than someone needing it for a divorce. I've got money I saved to fix my car, my Mom has a hundred or so she was putting aside for fixing the pool. It's officially Sunday now and I haven't heard anything, so Monday I will go down bright and early and do what I have to do.

Before I met my ex, when I was single and pursuing all this creative work without getting paid, I made money by creating/selling crafts and writing term papers to make ends meet. My county has the worst unemployment rate and there is nothing listed anymore, and so I'm thinking maybe I'll just try doing that again, see what comes of it. Even if I can bring in a couple hundred a month it would make a huge difference. I'm already finding out what options I have in terms of going back to college, trying to get funding and go out for Health Information Technology.

I feel I did make a huge mistake letting myself become dependent on my ex. We discussed it multiple times and he offered to support me, as far as I knew he WANTED to. At the end of the day though, it was my own choice. Right now, I'm not looking to date or get into another relationship. For the past nine months I've been trying to enrich MY OWN life by getting out into my community, getting healthier, make new friends, and challenge myself.

I feel like a big reason my marriage did not work, if not the biggest reason, was because I personally did not value myself enough. The truth is that there WERE signs, he did not treat me very well through the majority of our relationship. He was not a violent person, he never laid a finger on me, but he was neglectful, callous, and just seemed to want me to be what he wanted whenever he had some new whim. He didn't hold a gun to my head to go along with that, I CHOSE to. I made excuses and I ignored my own feelings, I LET him convince me I was being unreasonable when all I wanted was to be acknowledged and shown consideration. Takes two to tango in relationships like that, and I don't shirk my own responsibility for how things ended up.

I feel like if I want my next relationship to be strong, healthy, and a real partnership, I have to start with myself and become happier, healthier, and proud of who I am down the core of me. Meaning, through this experience I've learned so much about what I really want and need in a partner, and I've realized that if I want that I have to understand deep within myself that I deserve it. That's my goal now.

I really appreciate everyone replying, it has helped me get my thoughts together and really hone in on what I really want. I think it's exactly right that even if I walk away from this divorce broke, I will have bought something so valuable. Freedom from that relationship, and finally cutting the tie holding that pesky anchor to my ankles. The thought of signing a paper and knowing he's out of my life for good really does feel worth every friggin' penny.

I did search around for a non-profit organization for help, but the ones that are around here said I did not qualify. I had investments that I used to get an interest income from. They tanked midway through last year, but that income from 2008 still counts on my taxes. Upon looking at my tax return from 2008, they said that my income was too much to qualify even though it was well under 15K. I have yet to find one that I qualify for, as far as I can tell I have gone through all the ones in my area.

I called my county's clerk's office today but the woman I spoke to said she'd never heard of anything called a "pauper's affidavit". She suggested legal aid, told her I didn't qualify, and she was just like "Oh, well then I'm sorry".

For me to file would mean using cash, and I would be literally broke if I did. The money I do have I've been saving meticulously to cover costs to fix my car (been having to borrow and drive my mother's car for months which I hate). I admit that I resent the thought of using that money when I know my ex is employed, but on the other hand I love the idea of this being done and over with.

His mother wrote me again today and said she's still trying. She has not offered me any money to do this and I don't really feel comfortable asking. I figure I will just see if anything comes to pass over the weekend, and if not perhaps I will just bite the bullet, use my money, and do it.

Part of me knows I do have to stop thinking so much about the 'justice' #######, the whole thing where I think "But HE SHOULD be the one to DO THIS after everything he's already done", but I can see the point I think some of you have been making where it means playing victim and all that. I do see what you mean. I know the longer I have this tie to him, the longer I'm leaving the door open for him to effect my personal situation in some way. I really do see the logic in that.

Mermaid: You are completely mistaken. He did not FILE anything, he simply picked up a packet of paperwork. He sent me what was supposed to be my portion, asking me to fill it all out, notarize it, and send him the ORIGINALS for him to file himself. I kept him informed, I told him I would not sign anything until I could consult with an attorney and I kept him informed about my progress in locating one I could afford.

It was a couple of months later before I could, and by that time some of the info he had written down was outdated, and I was told that the incorrect information he'd entered on other forms was not passable. I also found out he had kept back certain portions of the paperwork, namely a form that would have allowed me to include the monetary amount he owed me for bills of his that my mother and I covered for him. I was told that I was right in refusing to send him the originals, that we had to file the originals together.

I informed him that I had paid out to purchase a fresh packet from the courthouse. I also informed him when I found I had purchased the wrong type, I informed him they would not do an exchange, and I informed him I would not pay out for another one. I heard nothing from him for months, and in the mean time I got educated and found out that there are different types of simple dissolution packets, one of which would allow him to file ON HIS OWN and just have me served without needing me to FILE, and it only cost about $20-$30 more.

The bottom line is that he simply does not want to handle his responsibilities. We had a joint account under my SS# but it was HIS MONEY. I did not keep that money and told him to close it out himself. All he had to do was go down and do this, but instead he ran up overdrafts/penalties amounting to over $700, messed with my credit rating, and he took his time fixing it. He wanted to keep the cell phone that I'd taken up under my name. I RELEASED the number TWICE and he did not take it over, instead he ran up bills, neglected to pay, and then when I turned off service he went behind my back with my SS# and turned it back on. In the end I paid out the bills and canceled it. My Mom and I were left to pay bills that were his, and all he had to do was pay it back but he took over five months to do this, refusing to answer the simplest question of "Approximately when do you think you can pay us back in full?".

I completely own that I delayed the divorce through the months of Nov-Feb because I told him flat out that I would not do it until I was paid back in full. When I got the final payment from his GF, I informed him that I did, and I asked him if he'd done anything in terms of the divorce and what did he want me to do? I did not hear from him again until April, when he dropped a threatening email to me ON MY BIRTHDAY asking me to tell him what I had ALREADY TOLD HIM in previous emails. He was repeating everything he'd been asking and saying back in October, meaning he did not research nor do anything about the divorce.

I did reach a point where I threw up my hands and said "F*** this" and why shouldn't I have? I found out he could file on his own so why shouldn't he have been able to find that out? I spent my time looking for work, taking temp jobs, volunteering, rebuilding my own life. He was the one whining up and down that he wanted the divorce so badly, but I think what he meant was "I want this divorce but I don't want to have to communicate, research, or be inconvenienced". In the end, I wrote to him right after he emailed me on my birthday in April and I gave him step-by-step details on how he could file on his own, where to call, what the particular packet was called, and what the costs were. No reply, and he has not done anything. His mother is trying to help, but he is ignoring her emails and calls too.

I did look for programs that might allow me to file with some kind of financial assistance but as far as I can tell, there is no such program available to me (I have never heard of the "Pauper's Affidavit" thing though, I will definitely ask around about that. I don't qualify for legal aid because my income for 2008 was like a few hundred or so above the cut-off). I tried very hard to keep this neutral, offering olive branches and cooperation even when on the inside I wanted to kick him in the nuts. I would do things like releasing the cell phone number, keeping him informed of my progress in locating legal help, and I would ask if he would do certain things in return like keeping me informed of when he could pay me back or to just drop a simple email or call when he got on top of the joint account things or when he would send back the personal documents he took. He did not respond, for weeks and sometimes months. How the hell are you supposed to deal with someone like that, and how are you supposed to give that person the benefit of the doubt? Was I supposed to keep willingly feeding him the answers to all his questions and cooperating with him when he disregarded me so bluntly? Sorry, no.

Right now I can't wait until this is over with and I mean it. I feel like I am getting my life together and I'm proud of it too. I don't feel love for him any more and I don't want him any more. His life is his, I don't care if he stays in this country or not, I don't care about what happens with him and his new GF. That's his life, their life, it has nothing to do with me. I've got MY OWN LIFE to lead, I want to go to school, get myself independent, be creative, keep building my friendship circle and so much more. At first it was FORCING myself to do what I had to do for myself, but now I'm EXCITED. At first I felt sick because that future I had planned turned into this blank slate overnight. Now nine months later I can see a whole new future to go after and I want that future. I want to put that relationship behind me, I will keep learning from it and keep becoming better for having experienced it, but I'm letting go. I think of getting my divorce, think about all ties from him being cut finally and I feel relief.

I do still feel anger and resentment, and I think I will keep feeling it as long as I have to have contact with him. I've accepted that my relationship with him is the past, I've accepted that it's not a matter of anyone being to BLAME for it, I've accepted that it didn't work because we could not work with each other; it's just hard to let go of the anger when that wound keeps getting re-opened, when that person keeps doing things to kick you. I personally think he's a dirt bag, but that's my own opinion because of my personal dealings with him. I don't sit here and blame him for the things that were my personal choices in our relationship, there were signs he was a jerk right in front of me but I chose to stay and that's not his fault. If I'm learning anything, it's that I'm the creator of my own destiny and that means making better choices for myself by valuing myself more. The negative things in our relationship are not all his fault, their not all my fault, it was just a series of choices that ended badly. If I'm angry about anything it is HOW he chose to get out of this relationship, and what he has done since. I'm looking forward to the day when I know he's out of my life, I think as I move on and improve myself, I'll be in a better position to be able to remember my relationship for the positive points and let the negative ####### fall by the wayside. Right now though, I am pretty frustrated.

Some of you know my story, some don't. Quick recap: Back in Sept. 2008 my stbx husband told me he'd fallen for some girl he'd known for 3 weeks, and promptly abandoned the marriage (we had been married just over a year). Shortly after he left he proceeded to mess up the joint accounts we had (bank & cell phone), severely damaging my credit rating in the process. I also found that he had stolen documents of mine. He'd taken all the 1-129F stuff, but he'd also taken my credit reports, statements from my personal investment bank, and other bank statements of mine.

I took all the measures I needed to. I put fraud alerts on my credit reports, I put security passwords in place on all my accounts, and closed any accounts with both of our names. My ex did not respond to emails and did not give me a new phone number to reach him. He sent the initial divorce papers but they were incomplete and he was being fishy about a lot of things, it took me a couple of months to scrape together enough money to consult with an attorney. By the time I did, the papers he'd provided had incorrect information on them, and they were outdated. I paid out for a fresh packet of papers but it was the wrong type of packet. I informed my ex of all of this via email, he rarely responded if at all.

Months went by. He said he would send my personal documents back, and he also said he would repay the $500+ he owed my mother and I for covering bills that were his. He took over five months to do so. He finally sent back the docs. and sent the final payment at the end of February.

I was tired of trying to communicate with someone who would not communicate with me, and so I sent him an email containing details on how he could file for the divorce HIMSELF and just have me served papers. He had the power to do this THE WHOLE TIME. The only time he contacted me was to harangue me about the divorce, with his new GF coughing, giggling, or whistling in the background. I told him how to do it himself, but he HAS NOT DONE ANYTHING.

I do not have enough money to file myself. He was my support so since he left I have been looking everywhere for work, taking temp jobs and delivery jobs, and now I'm wanting to go back to college. This divorce is holding me back so much, but I feel like my hands are tied. His mother contacted me to offer help, but he is ignoring her too.

I do not understand WHY he is doing this. When a man makes the decision to walk out on a marriage, when a man WANTS a divorce, isn't he supposed to DO IT?? I feel utterly trapped because I simply have no money to take care of this myself.

I have not contacted immigration for ANYTHING thus far. He said he contacted USCIS to let them know he was divorcing but that could very well be #######. As far as I know, I have no way to contact anyone with USCIS directly, I did not even write a letter stating I rescind my affidavit of support as I had no idea where to send it, and I was told it wouldn't be considered 'official' anyway.

I really don't even think I'm asking for advice as much as just wanting to vent because after all this time, I cannot believe I'm still legally married to this utter dirt bag.

I've moved on as much as I can now. I'm more involved in my community, I'm healthier, I've formed a great new social circle and now I'm making real plans for a whole new life for myself. I want to go to college but I can't even get certain funding available for that since I'm still legally married (I.E. I am not officially a 'displaced homemaker' because I am legally still his wife though he does not support me AT ALL).

I don't care if he stays in this country or goes, I just want him the hell out of my life!! I feel like I can only let go and move on SO MUCH while this is still hanging there, you know?? I want to be free of him, I feel like I'm still held down by this one last anchor to him and I hate it.

Ugh, thanks for reading all this if you have. I guess I just want to know if others have gone through this and want to hear that "This too shall pass".

There were no debts accrued during the marriage ? Then what is all of this commentary about cell phone bills, cable internet bills, and bank overdrafts? Now, once again for sus' benefit, let me be clear. I am not certain of your state's specific laws, but until parties declare that they are no longer responsible for each other's debts, there's a chance more debts can be accrued.

There were no debts accrued during the actual marriage. My debts came beforehand, and his debts (UK student loans, etc) were his beforehand as well. There really is no 'property' to speak of here, we're doing the simple dissolution/irreconcilable differences divorce.

The divorce itself? Originally, he picked up the papers from the courthouse, sent me my portion (including a financial/asset information sheet) and wanted me to fill it all out, get it notarized, and send all the originals to him so he could file alone. I told him that was unacceptable. I told him that I would fill out my portion, and send him copies and that he should send me copies of the papers he omitted (his portion). That way we would both have full copies of the whole thing, and we could file the originals together.

I was advised that even though it was a simple dissolution, I should not file anything or sign anything until I went over it with legal help. I called a bunch of local lawyers but none offer free consultations and I can't swing their initial consultation fees. I was given the number for a community law program and have an appointment next week . As it stands, it seems he may have actually picked up more than enough paperwork, in this county we might not even be required to go in for a court date or anything. I am hoping that is the case, I am hoping that we can get the papers filed and that I will not have to see him ever again.

I want this over and done with, believe me. Of course I still have mixed feelings and all sorts of stuff, but I feel like whatever feelings I have are for the person I THOUGHT he was, not the person he is. I don't want him to come back any more, not after all of this. I still mourn the life I thought I was going to have and it's going to hurt for awhile, but I've accepted that it's gone and I have to build my own future alone now.

I don't feel like I am reacting out of emotion at all. I have waited all of this time and have tried so hard to find middle ground and be cooperative and civil with him in the interest of just getting all of this sorted quickly. When I've given him time, I've found out that he has done all these underhanded things with that time. Right now I feel like I have been taken advantage of, and I feel like he might be doing it because expects me to take it, do you understand what I mean?

I already explained this. There is no debt owed to a company or business, I paid out of my own pocket to cover all the bills my ex racked up in my name to keep my credit from getting messed up more than it already had been. What he owes, he owes me and my Mom personally now, not that we'll ever see a penny of it. I really don't think I have any recourse if he refuses to pay those debts because I was the one who trusted him and took accounts out in my name for him, and my Mom did too.

There were never any joint credit cards. I was the only one with credit cards and I never added him. I don't care what state you live in, marriage doesn't entitle your spouse to go using your credit cards behind your back, without your authorization. That is fraud. Same goes for the social security number.

There were no debts accrued during the actual marriage. My debts came beforehand, and his debts (UK student loans, etc) were his beforehand as well. There really is no 'property' to speak of here, we're doing the simple dissolution/irreconcilable differences divorce.

The divorce itself? Originally, he picked up the papers from the courthouse, sent me my portion (including a financial/asset information sheet) and wanted me to fill it all out, get it notarized, and send all the originals to him so he could file alone. I told him that was unacceptable. I told him that I would fill out my portion, and send him copies and that he should send me copies of the papers he omitted (his portion). That way we would both have full copies of the whole thing, and we could file the originals together.

I was advised that even though it was a simple dissolution, I should not file anything or sign anything until I went over it with legal help. I called a bunch of local lawyers but none offer free consultations and I can't swing their initial consultation fees. I was given the number for a community law program and have an appointment next week . As it stands, it seems he may have actually picked up more than enough paperwork, in this county we might not even be required to go in for a court date or anything. I am hoping that is the case, I am hoping that we can get the papers filed and that I will not have to see him ever again.

I want this over and done with, believe me. Of course I still have mixed feelings and all sorts of stuff, but I feel like whatever feelings I have are for the person I THOUGHT he was, not the person he is. I don't want him to come back any more, not after all of this. I still mourn the life I thought I was going to have and it's going to hurt for awhile, but I've accepted that it's gone and I have to build my own future alone now.

I don't feel like I am reacting out of emotion at all. I have waited all of this time and have tried so hard to find middle ground and be cooperative and civil with him in the interest of just getting all of this sorted quickly. When I've given him time, I've found out that he has done all these underhanded things with that time. Right now I feel like I have been taken advantage of, and I feel like he might be doing it because expects me to take it, do you understand what I mean?

In reference to the above, yes he contributed more financially to the marriage but in reality, it was his parents money, not his. Once he got a job here, he took off.

When it comes to my personal debts, he never gave me a penny toward them. I had hospital debt which I paid off myself through my interest income and help from my Mom, same goes for my credit card debt. I'm not saying he didn't pay for anything, he paid for a lot, but again, that was his parents money, not money he earned himself. I had my own credit card and took care of those charges myself. Right now it seems like his parents may be cutting him off after all this time, and it might explain his recent actions.

All I've asked him for is what he fairly owes, and I added it down to the penny off of bill statements in the interest of fairness. I asked him to pay for his own personal expenses that he left behind, the ones we had to cover when he took off, nothing more. It's not his fault my investments took the hit they did and it's not his fault I'm having trouble finding work, that's all stuff I have to suck up and deal with because of this economy. I don't want anything from him than what he fairly owes. He couldn't fit everything into his car the night he left, and I even left my porch door open so he could return and get the rest, and I added on to all of it as I came across stuff. Piles of video games and such that I could have easily sold, but I didn't.

And of course I am angry and hurt over his affair, the way he left, and his callous treatment since, but I made up my mind early on that I would just have to suck it up and do the right thing. That's all I've been trying to do is the 'right' thing, that's why I've been running all this by others. I've asked myself if I'm automatically too biased because of the situation, if I'm blowing things out of proportion because I've been hurt. I have felt confused, while most everyone around me has been telling me to 'wake up' to the kind of guy he 'really' is, I've been sitting there defending him and our relationship.

It's been over two months since he left and the only moves I've made is putting pass codes on my own accounts, putting fraud alerts on my accounts, monitoring my credit cards, and all of these sorts of things and only because of HIS questionable actions. Even after he used my SS# behind my back, I paid out to cancel the cell phone and I talked about the situation WITH HIM, I didn't just run off and call the FTC like so many people were telling me to do. All because I wanted to believe he was simply just a reckless, careless jerk and not a criminal.

Now I have no idea. It's just gone too far now and I am taking action now. I feel I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt with all of these things, and it has resulted in serious repercussions on me, including damage to my credit. I feel foolish for not acting sooner, I am acting now because I feel that if I don't, there's no telling what else is going to happen if I just sit here like I have been all this time.

I already put fraud alerts on my credit reports and so did my Mom as he had access to her information as well. I didn't call the SS office or anything as I thought putting the fraud alerts on my credit reports were enough, but perhaps Monday I will call Social Security and see.

I guess I will call the FTC and see if there is anyone there who could help me. I tried talking to an operator at AT&T about him reactivating the cell without my knowledge or permission, but they didn't seem like they could do anything to help. I talked to account operators though, I suppose I could see if they have a fraud department and see if they can assist me? Right now I don't know if there is any way to prove he did what he did save the email he wrote himself owning up to it.

I don't know yet what is going on with the credit card fraud, I haven't been contacted. I was told if I choose to go to the police, I need some kind of written proof and all sorts of stuff or else they won't help me at all. I don't know what I can do at the moment. I mean, why would he own up to using the social security number if he was going to commit credit card fraud?

He said he would be sending money soon to start covering the bills he left behind and now what I had to pay to close out the cell phone. Since he found out using the social was illegal, he seems to have been cooperating, but as of today I haven't seen a penny. It is so damn hard to know what to do because his actions have been so erratic and I don't know what to trust or believe at times.

The ex contacted me after the above, and he seemed to think using my social was akin to using a password or something (not that it makes it right). He's been cooperating since he figured out it was illegal, keeping in touch on matters and when he can send money to cover the other bills. I chose not to contact the FTC.

Now I'm wondering if I'm a complete moron. We got a call from one of the credit card companies and charges of over a thousand dollars were attempted on a web site with my credit card number. They said someone will contact me about investigating fraud in a few days.

I am finding it hard to believe he would do it, it would be so utterly stupid if he did. He already knew I was suspicious, I told him about the use of my social being illegal and he knows I could report him, why the hell would he go and use my credit card number? It doesn't make sense to me but now I'm wondering if I've been a lenient idiot.

His parents know all of his actions and have taken my side through most of this because he hasn't been keeping in contact with them either. He quit school, and now is working some temp job. He said that he intends to leave before his VISA runs out in November of 2009. It seems like he's wanting to stick around to be with the girl. I don't know the girl, all I know is that she has a steady job so why would she have anything to do with credit card fraud? I'm thinking this is a weird coincidence.

I've thought about going ahead and contacting the FTC, but at the moment I'm holding off because my ex seems in line to pay what he owes, has been communicating promptly, and seems like he will cooperate to get the divorce done without dragging it out. Part of me thinks that no way did he pull the credit card thing, but now I keep wondering if I really am just some moron.

The credit card number used is now invalid, and I've contacted the holders of all my other credit cards, those accounts are now being monitored. I've never dealt with anyone using my card fraudulently before, I don't know how they go about finding the perpetrators or if they even do much of anything. If my ex DID do anything, they will figure it out right? I'm not responsible for the charges that were attempted and the ones that were successfully made.

I feel so entirely exhausted and tired of all of this, I feel like every time I turn around there is some new stress when all I want to do is focus on myself and move on. I've been trying to do the right things here, but now I regret not getting 'nastier' all this time because I am wondering if I've been too passive and set myself up to be victimized or something.

I have no idea how I'd withdraw the affidavit, and I have no idea if the FTC could even do anything at this point. He used my social # on November 3rd and he subsequently owned up to doing so (I have it in an email) so wouldn't they just think 'Simple misunderstanding"? I've secured my accounts left, right, and center.

I feel so angry because I do feel like he should have to suffer some kind of consequences for his actions, but I feel pretty powerless, like I just have to take what he dished out to me. I can't afford lawyers, and right now I don't know if I even have it in me to spend too much time on all these matters because I so wish for this all to be over. It does make me so angry though, he's treated me like utter garbage since the moment he left, in every way I can name.

He's just one of those people, his whole life he's been bailed out and has never had to face up to any wrongs he's done to anyone. He just seems to sail through life and nothing ever comes back on him. I feel it will eventually, I don't believe people can act that way and get through life forever with everything going peachy-keen. I just feel so frustrated, hurt, and angry.

I haven't contacted anyone about the affidavit of support. I was told there was no way I could withdraw it without a lawyer so I didn't even try. I have called the USCIS helpline but it's just recordings as far as I can tell. I haven't gotten any clear information on how I would withdraw the affidavit.

I'm putting a fraud alert on my credit reports so I'll be informed if anyone tries to use my info to get a credit line, I'll have to do the same with my SSN I guess.

I have a number to call about identity theft, but I don't know if I'll have a leg to stand on. I called the cell phone company and they said they personally couldn't tell me where the call to reactivate the account originated. Basically, he reactivated it literally on the day that I personally deactivated it. He had to use the last four digits of my social to do so, but I am not sure if I can get any proof. I figured I would just call the Federal Trade Commission and see what they can tell me.

We're putting security pass codes on all the bank accounts he has information for or ever sent a wire transfer to.

I found a nearby program that charges $1 per minute for legal advice and help with forms. I'm going to see if I qualify for it.

I just feel physically ill.

After I made my last post, it put me in mind to call and check the status of the phone.

He reactivated it, and he used my social security number to do it. He didn't take over the account fully, he just started racking up all new charges under my name. I closed the account immediately, and I had to use my credit card which means more debt for me. I put a security pass code on the account so he can't get into it himself from now on.

I don't know what this means now because the phone number he put down on the divorce papers was that number, which is now invalid. He can obtain an attorney if he wants to. He has copies of my financial records. Basically, I have assets and he does not. He is currently unemployed. I have no idea what he is planning to do and I am extremely worried now.

I am so sorry to hear what has happened and what you are going through - But I think you need to take proactive steps to protect yourself.

The first issue would be the stolen papers - Are they only related to his visa, or do the papers contain your personal information? If so, I would file a police report, and put a credit watch on your credit immediately.

As for turning his cell back on - sorry, no - he made his bed, let him lie in it. You need to distance yourself from him, and don't let him squeak by on your credit.

Are you waiting for him to file the divorce? I would take proactive steps to do it yourself - if you can't afford it, every state has pro bono help - contact the bar association and find out. You can file motions pendente lite (basically, before the divorce is final) in order to protect yourself against anymore debt - have the cell phone, etc... declared his - especially if you push fraud charges against him that he opened the accounts without your knowledge.

The papers he took were all approval notices from the government, stretching back to the first notices for the 129-F. He already had a set of copies of the original 129-f paperwork, and yes, those have my social # on them and stuff. I don't think he would go so far as to open NEW accounts with my information, but at this point, I don't know what in the world to think.

The cell is in my name right now. There's no service going to it, but it's in my name. I want to buy out the account myself but I don't have the money at the moment, like I said, if I buy it out myself it will mean going into debt. I don't want to do that, but I might have to.

I made an appointment with an attorney just for a consultation. I have the divorce papers, he is the one who is supposed to file and pay for the filing fees which are 300+, I just wanted to go over things with someone and find out what my rights are. As it stands, he may have picked up the wrong set of papers in the first place. I have looked into legal aid but I am literally just a few hundred dollars above their guidelines in terms of qualifying income levels. It sucks because I'm not actually bringing in that much interest income anymore, it's just they base it on tax years. This tax year includes my interest income from the beginning of the year when things were OK on the stock market, now I am bringing in next to nothing but it doesn't 'count' until next year. I asked if they could refer me to any other bro-bono resources and they said they couldn't help me. That's why I made the appointment with the attorney, she's the cheapest in the area as far as consultations, though I probably cannot afford to retain her.

I have not heard anything from him at all, I only hear from him when he himself needs something. I am afraid that he will get his own lawyer because his parents could pay for it if they want to. The thing is, I have no idea what is happening on his side because no one tells me anything, and he's done so much damage already. I'm trying so hard to figure out what the best thing to do is. I don't want to make it messy with lawyers and see this thing get dragged out, but I have no idea what he's doing or what he is planning. This has already cost me so much and continues to cost me. I just can't believe what he has done, and I am afraid of what else he might do but it's hard to know how to protect myself when I have no money to spare. I'm stretching every penny I have as it is, we've canceled all the services to the house that we can, and we even shut the hot water heater off and use it only when we need it, stuff like that. It's certainly not his fault that my investments took such hits and the economy is so bad that I am having trouble finding work. The money he owes wouldn't fix EVERYTHING, it would just get debts off my back and my mother's back.

I am hoping the attorney can help me but I'll only have 45 minutes to talk to her. I'm making a list of all the things I want to know, I hope I can fit it all in. If I had more money, this all would be easier.

I've been trying to deal with this in the healthiest way possible, giving myself room to cry and get angry. I just can't wait until he's out of my life now, I don't care if he stays in the states. I just hate that he still lives around here. When the bank sent me all the warning notices about the overdrafts, it listed all the places charges were made and I saw that he was taking her everywhere that I took him. Places that were special for us, or at least, I thought they were. What kind of sick person does that? Any time I go anywhere now, I get anxious and sick hoping I don't run into the two of them.

It feels so unfair. I know there is no reason he should have to leave because we broke up, I know that, I accept that. I still feel so used and taken advantage of anyway. He's all set up in America now, he's going to classes and he's living alone with the girl in her apartment. His parents are supporting him, he's got a car of his own, he's got it made. My rational side says that just because it seems perfect doesn't mean it is, but still, from where I'm standing, it feels so unfair. In a phone call a couple of months ago, I asked him how he can sleep at night. He said "I can sleep because I'm happy". When I asked him how he could just walk away and not think about how it has affected me, he said "What's done is done, feeling bad about it won't do me any good".

I just never would have thought he would do the things he's done, and I feel so foolish for not listening to a lot of my gut instincts when things got rough between us. Part of me does feel like it's better that this girl has to deal with him than me. I have a feeling he will be the same with her, this unbelievable sweetheart who seems to good to be true until things get 'serious' and aren't 'brand new' anymore. She had a boyfriend that she kicked out of her apartment so my ex could move in. They do deserve each other, they're a couple of selfish little children. That's what I think anyway.

It's like he has no conscience, or if he does, he is just really good at ignoring it, pushing it down, and pretending that it doesn't exist. He had nothing to say for himself, nothing at all. Like I said, I'm not perfect and I messed up stuff in our relationship, but at the end of the day, it was all stuff that had he confronted me about it at the time, I would have worked to change because I valued my relationship. I worked to change so much as it was. It's like that metaphor though, about a relationship being like a bridge that needs constant maintenance and if work is only being done on one side, the bridge will collapse. That's what it feels like. I just feel foolish for trying so hard to do so much. If anything, it was my inexperience, me not knowing better and not knowing how much was too much to take from him.

I want to take lessons from this, right now it's just hard to know which are the things I know I did wrong that I should change for myself so I don't repeat those mistakes in my next relationship (if it happens) and which are the things I am beating myself up for but are only the things HE had a problem with, that aren't bad about me at all. It can be so confusing. I am hoping beyond hope that it won't feel this confusing forever and that there will come a day that I'm past this enough to see things clearer. I just don't want to come out of this bitter and depressed and feeling bad about myself. I'm trying so hard to do the right things for myself right now, it just hurts so badly.

If you've read all this, I have to thank you for doing so. I have felt so voiceless sometimes, and I hate how it seems that just because he bought me some nice presents and just because he did some household chores in the house while he was here, he seems to use this as fodder for telling himself that he is a nice guy who was in a bad relationship. I feel that perhaps our relationship definitely was not going to work no matter what, I just feel there is no excuse for getting out of it the way he did and what he has done to me since. I feel that it's true you can't help it in life if a relationship isn't going to work out, but there are ways to reject someone with respect and consideration, ways to end a marriage tactfully even if there is no getting out of hurting someone, you know?

Again, if you've read all this, thank you for listening.

Thank you all for your advice.

I feel at the moment like I'm falling apart in a lot of ways. My ex still hasn't paid what he owes. I feel stupid because I've been trying to do the 'right' thing. I've only contacted him about the divorce papers and the bills and I've cooperated with him. I've only asked to keep me informed about when he'll be able to pay, etc. and he ignores me. He took weeks getting on top of the cell phone to the point I thought I would have to buy it out myself. A kind operator helped me out and knocked off charges, and stopped service to the phone so he couldn't use it anymore. All of a sudden he paid (at a discount) and then suddenly he got into contact with me asking me to release the number to him again and reinstate the service.

I told him I wouldn't until the bills he owes are paid and not until he sent the copies of the divorce papers he omitted. He sent the papers but has not gotten back to me about the bills. Meanwhile, I am pinching every penny I have because of the bill he owes, and my credit has been damaged pretty badly. I know where he is living now but I don't have a home phone for him (he listed his cell as his home phone) and he doesn't respond to emails. I also have no idea if he'll cooperate with the divorce, or if he will leave me hanging for weeks at his 'leisure'. I asked him to just please let me know what he intended to do, and I waited over a week for a response and nothing came.

I got so desperate I wrote an email to his parents and sent a copy to him, detailing what he's done (they support him financially). I regret it and feel foolish for doing it, I don't want to cause trouble but I feel so pushed and taken advantage of. I want to protect myself but I feel he knows my hands are tied because I have no money. I've contacted an attorney, and I have to use all the extra money I have to pay for just a consultation, I can't retain an attorney right now and I am literally just a few hundred dollars above the guidelines for legal aid. I'm currently still paying on his late bills.

I just feel sick. I know I made mistakes but I feel I was good to him. I don't want to play victim here, I've been trying to be strong and just move past all this. I want this divorce just over with. I didn't even keep much of anything save some DVDs and books, I even returned the crystal vases and things his family gave us as wedding gifts. I've been civil and cooperative. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I guess I just feel so drained and hurt right now. I know somewhere inside myself that all of this speaks to something that is deeply wrong inside HIM, that it's not me, but it still hurts anyway. I wasn't perfect by any means, I know I made mistakes, I just don't feel I did anything to warrant his disregard and bordering on cruel treatment of me. I can't understand it.

I want to close out the cell phone myself but that would mean stretching my money past the limits and going into more debt. I wish I could just write off the cable bill as a loss and I would if the financial situation wasn't so dire right now because of the hits my investments took. I've been busting my ### applying everywhere in town for a job, even tried to get this job selling Christmas trees hoping I could land something to get my head above water better right now. I just want this nightmare to be over.

Hello Everyone,

If you've read any of my posts, you probably know what is going on with me. Something new has come up and I feel absolutely sick.

I've gone over the details of my situation with people, and most everyone around me thinks my husband took me for a ride to get into the country. I keep trying to believe that he was honest, and that I just have to accept he left me and it just didn't work out. My friends have urged me to speak to someone about the details, even if just to consult with someone. I didn't think it was necessary because even though I was getting more suspicious, I didn't believe he took me for a ride.

I gave in and went to make an appointment through infopass on the USCIS website just to talk to someone. The appointment making form on the website asks for the A-Number. I had papers in my personal files (all the stuff from the beginning of the process to the end) and I went to retrieve one of the papers with the A-Number, and I just found that they are all gone. When he was taking his stuff to move out, I didn't seem him go anywhere near my desk. Sometime before he left, he had to have physically gone into my desk, retrieved the portfolio, and removed papers. I feel like I've just been punched upside the head.

I'm trying to remember what all those papers were, but I can't remember what they all were. I'm wondering if each one of those papers was something he needs to have to prove his status and that maybe he just knew he was going to leave and took them just to prove his identity. I don't know.

At this point, I just want to go over this situation with someone that might help me but I don't know what to do. I don't have any money for lawyers or anything. I don't want to accuse him if he didn't really do this to get in the country, right now I am so confused and freaked out. I don't know if I should just believe this was legitimate and just move on from the hurt of rejection and all that, or if this is a situation I shouldn't stay quiet about. Half the time I'm so sure he loved me and it didn't work out, and other times when I go over details, I feel like he may have used me, manipulated me, and taken me. He had another LDR American girlfriend before me, but she dumped him shortly before we met. I know for a fact he contacted her once when I was ready to leave him at one point. Just little things like that which get me feeling like I might have been a total fool for listening to his explanations.

Who can I contact just to talk about this? Like I said, I went to go through infopass but don't have the information they need anymore as he has taken it. He sent divorce papers but didn't send everything, he kept back a bunch of the papers and wants me to send my notarized originals so he can file it all himself. I told him I wouldn't and he got nasty to me.

I'm sorry I'm rambling on, I just don't know what to believe or do.

Until you decide what to do next (USCIS won't be of any help, I'm sure), you need to be sure to protect your credit. Cancel any credit cards in joint names, etc. etc. Change your bank account so he can't invade it. Consult a lawyer on how to dissolve the marriage, if that's what you end up deciding.

We didn't have any joint credit card accounts. We had a joint bank account and he ran up a ton of overdrafts and almost went over the limit. He took his time taking care of it. A friend checked my credit score for me through his job, and it had taken a hit. Now he's jerking me around with the cell phone. Took it out in my name but he paid the bills online and such. He failed to pay them and now I'm getting a bunch of past due notices. He said he'd take care of it but I don't know when. I would close it out myself but I do not have enough money to pay the bill or buy out the contract. We had high speed net/digital cable (in my Mom's name) which he had hooked up and paid for. He took off and we canceled it, but there were still charges for the last month he was here. My Mom and I can't pay it ourselves, our money is stretched to the max already so those bills are late. We hated that they had to be but we had no recourse, we had to use it for food and household stuff. We're waiting for him to send a check for what he owes.

I wanted to try reconciling but he wouldn't hear anything of it as he wanted to move in with this other girl. The only thing he's actually made sure to contact me about is letting me know he wants this divorce as soon as possible. So it's completely over. I'm just waiting on him to send me copies of all the divorce information he did not initially send. Basically, he did not send me his portion of the paperwork, but expected me to fill out and notarize mine, send it back to him, and HE'D file alone. I told him that was unacceptable. I said that I wanted copies of his portion, that I'd send him copies of my portions so that we both have everything, then we'd have to set a date to file all the originals together. I just don't trust him now, and don't want to send notarized original paperwork that he could alter, you know? I thought that was fair.

Thanks to all of you guys. I think I needed to hear stuff like this.

In the back of my mind I think I just know he truly loved me at one point but then things didn't work out how he'd imagined and he bailed. It's been confusing enough with the regular break up stuff (all the "Is he who I thought he was?" stuff, etc.) but it's doubly hard when so many people around me are so sure he took me for a ride. Like I said, I've told them all sorts of stuff to prove that it couldn't have been faked and I keep doing it.

I was just so shocked to see the papers missing, because he must have taken them at least a few days before he left, and I got all paranoid. It's just hard sometimes because I think some of my friends think I'm just being complacent and doing wishful thinking when it comes to my relationship, and I guess sometimes they get me wondering if I am. It can be so confusing and hard. I think I'm wigging out sometimes because I'm not sleeping or eating enough and running around 24-7 looking for work and all that. It weakens the rationale sometimes.

It's really hard because when they bring it up, I do defend him even though I feel sort of stupid doing it at times. I think what he has done is horrible, just on the relationship front. He has messed up my credit and I need good credit now more than ever. I do defend him when they bring up the 'taking you for a ride' thing, it's just hard because I guess I feel in those moments like such a fool who chose so unwisely in a partner, all that.

I think maybe I will just ask them politely to drop it, tell them I've made up my mind and it won't do me any good to hear it anymore. Which, obviously it isn't.

Dear Zilla,

a man who did not love you could not have possibly lived with you for 1 year and 3 months (that's what I see in your siggy). Especially, since he speaks English and I don't assume he needed financial help from you. I don't know your story, so I am assuming here about financials. If he always planned on walking, he would have left sooner. Unless... did he just wait to receive conditional GC?

As far as paperwork goes - yeah, he took it to protect himself and he will need it to remove conditions, if he already has conditional GC. Put yourself in his place - would not you do the same? It does not mean he scammed you, and I don't think you can call it stealing - while you did the paperwork and prepared that folder - it is his paperwork as well. Did he steal anything apart from paperwork? Did he try to take advantage of you somehow (apart from GC)? If not, then I'd say take comfort in that he did love you. People who are after GC are also usually after money etc. They take all they can.

Good luck,

Rika

What you're saying does make sense to me. Most of the time I am sure he loved me and that I just have to work on healing my broken heart, accepting his choice, and being the bigger person even though he honestly has treated me cruelly since he left.

My friends are most suspicious about the fact that he legged it once he was completely set up. He paid for all of his stuff, and it was his money in the bank account the whole time (though it came from his parents). He paid for the car, the phone, and college tuition, etc. but he couldn't have attained these things without my assistance and credit rating. He was only in classes and working for three weeks when he came home and said he was leaving. He had been acting affectionate right up until the day he left.

Yesterday I was just talking about so many details, and my friend was just like 'Don't you see that he took you for a ride??? You have to talk to someone". I'm trying to keep my head, thinking about my relationship and thinking he couldn't have faked certain affectionate moments we shared. He took every single bit of mail that came from the government, all the approval notices and everything. The only things left in my portfolio are the copies of all the original fiance visa application paperwork and accompanying evidence.

Like I said, I just feel confused more than anything. In my head I recall things and think 'No, it was real, it just didn't work out, just work on moving on". Then I recall other things and I feel so torn. I've even defended him to my friends when they've pushed about it all sounding suspicious, I've explained certain things to actually prove it was real. I guess I just feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. That's why I just keep putting it all out on this website, I figure you guys have actually been there and seen experiences, and might be able to advise me better than anyone.

Hello Everyone,

If you've read any of my posts, you probably know what is going on with me. Something new has come up and I feel absolutely sick.

I've gone over the details of my situation with people, and most everyone around me thinks my husband took me for a ride to get into the country. I keep trying to believe that he was honest, and that I just have to accept he left me and it just didn't work out. My friends have urged me to speak to someone about the details, even if just to consult with someone. I didn't think it was necessary because even though I was getting more suspicious, I didn't believe he took me for a ride.

I gave in and went to make an appointment through infopass on the USCIS website just to talk to someone. The appointment making form on the website asks for the A-Number. I had papers in my personal files (all the stuff from the beginning of the process to the end) and I went to retrieve one of the papers with the A-Number, and I just found that they are all gone. When he was taking his stuff to move out, I didn't seem him go anywhere near my desk. Sometime before he left, he had to have physically gone into my desk, retrieved the portfolio, and removed papers. I feel like I've just been punched upside the head.

I'm trying to remember what all those papers were, but I can't remember what they all were. I'm wondering if each one of those papers was something he needs to have to prove his status and that maybe he just knew he was going to leave and took them just to prove his identity. I don't know.

At this point, I just want to go over this situation with someone that might help me but I don't know what to do. I don't have any money for lawyers or anything. I don't want to accuse him if he didn't really do this to get in the country, right now I am so confused and freaked out. I don't know if I should just believe this was legitimate and just move on from the hurt of rejection and all that, or if this is a situation I shouldn't stay quiet about. Half the time I'm so sure he loved me and it didn't work out, and other times when I go over details, I feel like he may have used me, manipulated me, and taken me. He had another LDR American girlfriend before me, but she dumped him shortly before we met. I know for a fact he contacted her once when I was ready to leave him at one point. Just little things like that which get me feeling like I might have been a total fool for listening to his explanations.

Who can I contact just to talk about this? Like I said, I went to go through infopass but don't have the information they need anymore as he has taken it. He sent divorce papers but didn't send everything, he kept back a bunch of the papers and wants me to send my notarized originals so he can file it all himself. I told him I wouldn't and he got nasty to me.

I'm sorry I'm rambling on, I just don't know what to believe or do.

Hello,

I know I've already asked questions about the affidavit of support but I still have no idea what to do, or whom to contact. I need help desperately.

My husband and I were married for a year and two months, and a month ago he took off with no warning to live with another woman. He cut me off almost completely, ran up overdrafts on our joint bank account (he paid it off and closed it, but my credit score was affected) and I didn't even know where he was until he sent divorce papers. He is wanting to file under "irreconcilable differences", but he didn't send me all of the paperwork and he wants me to send my paperwork back to him so he can file it himself (I'm afraid if I do it, he could alter information on the forms I fill out). He never tried to work the marriage out at all, he told me he wanted a future with me a few days before he took off.

The problem is that he is a college student and he is currently unemployed. He barely has any money, probably only enough to get him through a couple of months. I am not sure what kind of job he'll be able to get or if he can get one at all in this economy. My personal finances have taken a hit that has left me close to bankruptcy. I need the little money I have to be able to get by, and I am afraid he will indeed apply for tested benefits if he can't make his ends meet. I have no idea if he would be approved for them or not, but I am so afraid my financial situation will be compromised even more.

I read on another forum that I could write letters to withdraw my affidavit of support but it said to write to USCIS and my local office, but gave no information as to how I would address those letters (I.E. what department). I feel confused now, because at first I thought he did enter this marriage in good faith, but now I am honestly not sure. I want to believe he did so badly, but his behavior suggests so strongly that he really might have taken me for a ride. The entirety of our marriage was spent getting him settled, getting him a car, a phone, the ability to open bank accounts, building his credit, and getting him into college. He was only in college for a few weeks, and then he took off.

I've told all the people around me everything, and so many seem to think he took advantage of me and never really intended to work on a real marriage, that more than anything he wanted to get a chance to live and go to school in America (His mother is from Colombia, lives in Tenerife, and has a boyfriend who is a millionaire and she wants a green card herself so he will marry her, right after my husband got his conditional green card she was calling asking when he could apply for her to get one as well). I feel so confused, at this point I don't even care if he stays here, I just want to cut ties with him completely so that my own finances are assured. I'm so afraid of what he might do.

I honestly don't know what to do. I wonder now if he did take me for a ride but I feel helpless. I feel like a sucker and a fool. I am so afraid he will just keep on taking advantage, so far he's treated me like we never had a relationship in the first place, as if he got what he wanted and is now finished with me. He's been pressuring me to get the divorce as soon as possible.

He never tried to work anything out, he never told me anything and acted like everything was just fine up until he took off. I want to believe that it was real love and it just didn't work out, I want to believe that, but now I just don't know. The main thing is wanting to protect myself but I don't know how. This is the only place I have to go to for help in this situation. I don't know who else to turn to and I'm desperate to rescind my sponsorship because more than anything, even if he didn't take me for a ride to get here, he just doesn't care about how any of his actions effect me. I'm afraid he will go after benefits and that I will have to pay for it.

If any of you know how I can withdraw my sponsorship, where to write, who to contact directly, or any of it, please let me know. I don't mean to keep asking so many questions but right now things are so bad with me that it's been hard to figure out what to do.

Just wanted to update and say that the bank fiasco is over, he closed the account today. He ran up over $800 in overdraft and fees, the bank was hounding me with notices and all of it was him taking this new girl out on the town. He had to pay over $200 just in penalties, but that's his business. I think he's a moron (obviously).

I'm still worried about the affidavit of support. I re-read the form and I swore to be responsible for three years. Does that still count after the divorce? I'm afraid he's going to screw up and take out student loans or if he's out of work that he'll go for unemployment or assistance, and then I will have to pay for it. I'm desperate to get some peace of mind and know that I can just be cut off from any responsibility, but I can't find any information on what my options are. I've looked all over the net, and I tried calling that stupid USCIS number again (though, I should have known better).

Hey there,

As you know, my UK born husband left me a little over a week ago for another girl, without warning. I stupidly trusted that he would take care of the accounts in both of our names. The money in our joint bank account was entirely his but now I've gotten a notice from the bank telling me that he has made charges on his debit card without sufficient funds being in the bank to cover them. Hundreds of dollars in charges, then loads of money in penalties for it. He said it was a mistake, that he's waiting for a check to clear, and then he'll close it out. Meanwhile, he had previously intimated it was all taken care of.

He's out of work at the moment and I don't know when he'll be working again or for how long. I don't want to be spiteful at this point in my desire to somehow cancel my affidavit of support, now I'm truly worried he's going to screw me over financially or that I'll be responsible for his debts or stuff like that. He still has not told me if he's filed for divorce or when he intends to, he's not responding to me and I have no way of contacting him except for email. I would do the divorce myself but I simply don't have the money for the filing fees, all my money is in assets and stocks.

I am trying so hard to find out what to do via the internet but I keep coming up short. Someone told me there's no way I CAN pull my sponsorship of him and I feel sick about it because I'm so afraid his carelessness with money management and lack of work is going to come back on me. Does anyone know what I can do? Any help would be greatly appreciated at this point.

--Laurie

I'm worried about my credit rating as well and what effects his carelessness might have on it because of things in both of our names. He's in college and he's acting like I'm asking way too much of him because he's so busy and I just want to scream because I feel that if he'd really done any thinking about his choice, he should have realized there would be a ton of things he HAD to take care of if he wanted to leave this way. I just feel sick inside.

Hey there,

As you know, my UK born husband left me a little over a week ago for another girl, without warning. I stupidly trusted that he would take care of the accounts in both of our names. The money in our joint bank account was entirely his but now I've gotten a notice from the bank telling me that he has made charges on his debit card without sufficient funds being in the bank to cover them. Hundreds of dollars in charges, then loads of money in penalties for it. He said it was a mistake, that he's waiting for a check to clear, and then he'll close it out. Meanwhile, he had previously intimated it was all taken care of.

He's out of work at the moment and I don't know when he'll be working again or for how long. I don't want to be spiteful at this point in my desire to somehow cancel my affidavit of support, now I'm truly worried he's going to screw me over financially or that I'll be responsible for his debts or stuff like that. He still has not told me if he's filed for divorce or when he intends to, he's not responding to me and I have no way of contacting him except for email. I would do the divorce myself but I simply don't have the money for the filing fees, all my money is in assets and stocks.

I am trying so hard to find out what to do via the internet but I keep coming up short. Someone told me there's no way I CAN pull my sponsorship of him and I feel sick about it because I'm so afraid his carelessness with money management and lack of work is going to come back on me. Does anyone know what I can do? Any help would be greatly appreciated at this point.

--Laurie

Hello All,

First off, I wanted to say that I do appreciate the responses I'm getting on this particular forum. I can see threads like mine are supposed to be over on the 'major changes' forum but I suppose I feel a little 'out there' on that particular forum and less willing to open up because this was the forum where I shared everything that came before. I just wanted everyone to know that I am still excited for all of you who are in the process of getting your VISAs to bring over your loved ones, I do not believe that just because it didn't work out for me that it won't work out for anyone. Hell no, I hope and believe just the opposite, that there are people in this world who come together, have a very special connection, and can make it work through thick and thin, and I certainly hope that will be the case for all of you. I still believe it can happen

I can't actually believe it's only been a week since he left, it feels like a lifetime's worth of emotions, ups and downs, and challenges. I would say that I've been positive for the majority of the week but it's growing harder because I think it's sinking in more. Part of me is still in such disbelief that I keep thinking this is just one of the times he's left for England and he'll be back, or it's just one of those insanely asinine mistakes he's made that he'll soon correct. A rational, realistic part of me tells me without a shadow of a doubt that he's not coming back, that it's over, that it was the best thing in the end that we don't continue together. It's confusing, because we did have a friendship that I never had with anyone in my life, there were so many things we came through as partners and so many things we supported each other through that we talked about being so proud of. How much we had in common as far as interests, how much fun we could have together doing the most mundane things, how much we knew how to make each other laugh. It is so confusing to know how to feel, especially since he was still so affectionate and caring toward me even at the beginning of last week. It's hard to get my head around, and that void feels like it's just creeping up on me more and more. I've known him for four years and it's unbelievable how much your mind switches from being "single" to being "in a relationship".

In my more positive moments, I've thought about considering this next year to be my transition year. He ran off with this girl and I guess he's plunging into it and feels ready to start something with someone else (at least, he thinks he is or he hasn't felt anything for me for much longer than he ever let me know). I feel I can't turn it off like that, I wish I could but I can't, I still feel that love for him and all those emotions, I can't imagine how I'd talk to a guy now or even being interested in one. I really hate that I'm the one stuck with this on my plate while he's off doing whatever with that girl, but I know there are just those things in life that, no matter how much it reeks of injustice, just can't be helped. It's hard to accept that, but I'm trying. Trying to do it for my own good.

I've been taking long walks and tending to my health. My doctor gave me hope that what I am experiencing now with my digestion is just an infection and NOT ulcerative colitis. I'm hoping I can turn things around with a better diet and more exercise. I've looked into some face-to-face social groups in my area but I must say I am pretty dang scared. I'm innately anxious in social situations as it is, even though I crave them (now more than ever!). I'm hoping I can get out there, not to meet any suitors but just to meet some friends and construct a new circle (my close friends are spread out around the country now or they're in England). The financial situation is pretty dire right now because he took a lot of financial support with him when he left, and my Mom (whom I live with) and I are trying to figure out how to keep our heads above water because, as you know, the economic situation is terrible for just about everyone right now. There's so much on my plate in such a short time, but I'm trying to find ways to take it step by step and remain positive and optimistic.

Again, I cannot say enough how much I appreciate the feedback I've gotten here, from all of you. Like I said, I'm innately socially anxious and I'm terrible at reaching out to someone I haven't known for a very, very long time, and I just can't express how much the support I've gotten here means to me. This forum in particular, everyone on this forum has always been so kind and helpful, and I am really wishing now that I had been brave enough to keep in contact with more of you before I had to go off and plunge into married life and responsibilities. Maybe I can change that now though!

There's part of me that knows that this has only been one week and things are going to be so much better in a month, then two months, then a year, then two years, and on. I guess everyone who goes through this feels that, don't they? Just wanting to hit the fast-forward button to better times ahead. Oh, if that was only possible!

I am hoping I am handling this alright. Sometimes I don't even want to let myself miss him, or think about how he's feeling, or feel like I still love him because it feels so utterly strange and painful. Still, I'm trying to go through the motions as naturally and honestly as I can so that perhaps I might get through this as healthy as possible. It's even hard to cry because he was just about the only person I let myself really cry in front of, and it's hard remembering how I handled it before he got here. Just wondering if my feelings are similar to the feelings of others who have been through this.

Again, thank you for letting me vent on this particular forum. I do NOT want to bring anyone down who is looking forward to their futures. Like I said, I want all of you to get those VISAa soon and start your new lives together, I believe marriages (however they come together) can work, I've seen too many couples who have been together for decades to believe otherwise. I just hope that when I am ready, I might have another chance to have it too. I'm wishing all of you guys all the luck in the world just like I was before

Oh, and I'm worried about my Anglophilia and deep love of British men. I've loved British culture and people from the UK since I was a kid and now it feels like it goes even deeper than ever. Deep down I still wish for a British husband because it's so damn hard to find American men who have the enthusiasm for all the British stuff I do, like if I said "Wahey!!" to some American guy, he'd be like "#######?". Awe man.

Thank you for listening, thank you so freakin' much.

--Laurie