Galateia

Now I understand girl - as a matter of fact my brother has a similar issue....he is an Opera singer, Baritone in fact..Bachelor's, Opera Dip, and Masters. Without further training, a doctorate in music from somewhere extremely prestigious he cannot even get a decent job in a music related career - conducting for example. (PS he is an insurance agent...which pays the bills and he hates it )

So how to do it then...Your talent will not wither away, yes it might be subdued right now, but you're hardly in a creative environment that will stimulate it.

When you first decided to move down...if you don't mind me asking, what was the original plan?

Your poor brother. Sometimes I envy people who don't seem to have that passion (let's face it, the arts are a cruel, demanding mistress) as I imagine it makes not doing said passion and enduring everyday living less of a gruelling existence?

Originally, we thought it was going to be 3-4 years and then we'd be back up in Canada so I could carry on with my schooling, which would be doable. Well, now it's stretched to 6 years (maybe 5 if I am lucky for the school portion alone with another 3 years of AF, for a total of 9 years delay.

Gal - maybe I missed the explanation - but what is this career which cannot be achieved? There has to be a different way to look at it or a different way to achieve it or maybe a way to adjust the original goal so it is doable. I get that at this moment in time it does not seem doable, but nothing ever stays static. Whether you change something or something just happens...your situation will not always be this discouraging. It's just the way of the world - something will always happen which changes everything.

You mentioned planning since 2001 to go to this school - if your financial situation was different is it actually close enough to be going to or is it Texas that is the problem? Is your current location simply too far away anyway? I encourage you to define what makes it not work and then figure out what could be done. If you venture into other forums you're going to find people who live apart and go to school during the year,...yes, you'll have student debt.....but if that's what you had to do.... would you do it? You can live apart from your husband and go to school - he can be in debt too....his education is not more valueable then yours. You vocalized about not being the girl who gave up her dreams....maybe you did for a year or two...but maybe now you can get back on track. Who cares what anyone else thinks, just do what you need to do...your husband may well be very supportive

I don't want to be harsh at all because I understand how it feels to have lost one's self.....you do sound miserable and a good talk with whoever (be it profreesional or otherwise) can do a world of good.

It's not harsh at all.

It's theatre design, at NTS in Montreal. Without an NTS degree, I'm looking at slaving away for 10-15 years as a grunt worker before I even see a hint of the real work, and most people get burnt out long before that. Think of it as the equivalent to being a classical pianist aiming for a career as a soloist; unless you are a graduate of an uber-prestigious school with a veritable web of industry contacts, you are facing a very difficult road trying to gain recognition and work.

If it was a career in, say, accounting, I could easily do something else. I cannot describe to you how it was to do my work, where all the disparate and conflicting elements of my personality and talents abruptly fell into sync and I was able to create things which amazed even myself. I could work all day without noticing I hadn't been eating, drinking, or taking bathroom breaks, as I was totally focused and downright euphoric as I worked. Have you ever seen a musician become so caught up in their work that they are almost in a trance-like state, oblivious to the world around them? That's what it was like for me. It's a feeling of profound rightness and driving purpose, like you are doing what you were meant to do. Unlike everything else, such as painting, drawing, dancing, sculpting, writing, study of classical literature, etcetera, for which I had talent but still found to be an effort, theatre design concepts just blossomed in my mind and flowed out of the end of my pencil- brilliant, innovative, textually flawless, multi-faceted.

There are perhaps five schools in the world with NTS' stature, so there we are. I have doubts that I even possess the ability to continue my work, considering how withered and dull I've become. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, eh?

I have been here over 6 years now and can so empathize with what you are feeling! Many of the same thoughts have and are going through my mind. I love my husband and we don't have the additional financial stress that you do, but I feel like there is no place for me here. I don't fit in. My world views are different than the majority of people with whom we interact and I find more often than not I have to 'bite' my tongue rather than say what I would really like to say, first because they wouldn't be able to 'hear' it and everyone would end up frustrated and annoyed, and second because even if they 'heard' it, they wouldn't understand. My husband is like this and as supportive as he is, he just doesn't understand the difference in culture that divides Canada and the US; the differences in life styles; the differences in expectations, the differences in ideology. We view the world so differently! There is so much anger and hate and violence - if not physical, then psychological and emotional - in this environment and I find myself living with fear far more than I ever have in my life. The fear isn't just from being in the US though - it is being in a relationship in the US. We are older and with the economic situation my husband who had hoped to retire this year now doesn't know when he will be able to afford to. I have not been able to find a job in my field in this area and we are tied to this area by my husband's job, so yes, all of my hopes, my talents, my abilities seem to have drifted off to the wayside. I was able to stay productive for the first little while but by now, I know that I too, feel little interest in doing much of anything. I do what I need to support the relationship but I find I just don't have it in me to do what supports me - and I find myself crying for my lost self. Yes, I am aware that I have had bouts of depression while here as well - something that never happened when I lived in Canada. There is a sense of loss of control over my life now. I can't make decisions for myself anymore but am tied into a relationship where both of us need to be considered - and it often seems to end up that my considerations and needs become less important. I am the 'support' person now, and it feels like I just don't make a difference anymore.

I have seriously thought of going back 'home' as well to get away from all the ugliness and fear that seems to be inherent in the US culture. I miss the sense of community, of friendliness, of caring neighbours, where people were concerned about each other and not just about themselves. I miss the kindness and the compassion and the curiosity about life where different cultures and experiences were causes of celebration, not condemnation. And then I feel guilty because everything looks so good on the surface here. Why should I be feeling like this? What right do I have to complain - I have everything - a nice home, a loving husband, all my current physical needs met - but in many ways these 'things' also become burdens. There are times I would just love to run away from everyone and every thing just to see if I can find myself again. I got lost somewhere over the last 6 years, so Galateia, I so very much understand how you feel, even though our circumstances are different.

Every word in your post resonates with me- it makes me want to quote each line for emphasis! Having to stifle yourself all day every day is not healthy, and yet here we are, doing exactly that. I never imagined the strain of differing worldviews was so profound- people are very opinionated and not at all homogeneous in Canada, but this is more than my brain can handle. It's so insidious a difference sometimes, that it produces a general unease even when you can't pinpoint each subtle instance that is grating on you.

When we have lost ourselves and the things we used to have to sustain and define us are out of reach, what can we do? I don't want the things that people here use to sustain themselves, like children and Church. As over the top as the expression is, it really is like dying a little every day. It's a mental wasting disease.

Thank you for the replies, everyone.

I think you would greatly benefit from seeing a personal therapist and probably a couple's therapist as well.

I agree. Even if we could afford it, which we can't, therapy is tricky as most of the therapists in town are his colleagues, and it's a fishbowl I can't pee in, so to speak. I am also not religious, so that rules out faith-based counselling. My insurance MAY cover a tiny portion if medically necessary, but as some of you know he will be working for the AF and I have been told by a current AF wife having issues that having a spouse with a "history of mental illness" even as innocuous as anxiety or depression will have very serious repercussions for him. Anything I do will have to be done without an official diagnosis in the mental health range. I have been waiting for 2 days to hear back on a doctor's appointment as I am going to ask her if there is anything she can do or suggest that won't put that stain on my medical record.

It sounds as though your in a process of building for each other, he's studying now and you sacrafice. You have to look at the big picture not just what your feeling on your end. I'm not saying that your wrong to look at things the way you are but everything is life is a matter of perception, glass half full - glass half empty so to speak. So with that said, you can look at all your giving up, at how you feel now in this moment or you can hold tight to the promise of what is to come, when its your turn to live the dream you wanted for you, with the man you love at your side. You definately have the ability to communicate your feelings which in itself is half the battle. If he loves you the way you love him that in itself should make holding on worth it. Don't stay in the moment of hard times now, snap out of it and invision the future you are building together. Don't give up...true love is so hard to come by and your journey is far from over...

Yes, we are. We are looking at another 3 years here, then 3 years minimum with the AF. I had thought that it would be hard living here, but this is so much worse than I expected. Even after 2 years, the culture shock is getting worse, not better. I can no longer bear any sort of external stressor, whether it's other people's company, dramatic music, tense moments in books, and it's to the point where I can't watch TV or movies because the slightest tension and I have leave the room- I never imagined Glee being too stressful for me to watch!! Sitting through the Sorcerer's Apprentice was as hard as Aliens vs. Predators was back in the day.

Holding tight to the promise of a bright future has gotten me through every torturous day of the last 2 years, but now that that dream is gone, there's only him left to hold on to, and that's not a sustainable way to live.

Sounds like depression setting in hun, see the doctor. Depression makes you feel like nothing will ever get better and that nothing brings you joy anymore. Some counseling and maybe antidepressants temporarily will help. Good luck!

I would absolutely take them if there was a way for me to get on them without an official diagnosis. Let's hope the doctor can pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Are you concerned once he begins work that you won't be able to return to school?

Correct. The school I had planned to go to, and have been working to get into since 2001, is completely immersive and days run from 8am to 10pm with just scheduled work, when you factor in transit time, eating, and homework, that works out to a very long day. I could handle that when I was in my early 20's, but there is no way I can handle it now. By the time we are in a position to refocus on me and my dreams, I will be 36 and at the current rate, in no shape for all-nighters and ongoing ultra long days.

Remember - you didn't get married so you can turn into a doting 50's wife girl! And for heaven sake - you're 30! You are a young, vibrant person with everything ahead of you. So much is going to happen and change over the next 10 years you won't even believe it....it's just hard to see right now and i get that. Make a plan and sit down and talk about it with the hubster...set a goal for 1 yr, or 2 yrs or 5 yrs from now and how you'll achieve it. You'll drop down to part-time work by X and start school by X, he will start full-time work by X, he will assume tghe support role by X when you go back full time to school if needed...that kind of thing.

6 years. 3 more here, 3 with the AF. I will be able to stop working once he's in the AF and will probably take correspondence classes and have hobbies again. For the next 3 years, it will be grind grind grind to provide for us. Considering I've become a hypersensitive, misanthropic, anxious, depressed mess who can't tolerate the nerve-scraping tension of a cooking show in just 2 years, and that was WITH clinging to my dreams, I am not sure how I am going to get through another 3 without them.

I don't know what your personal social life is like (I mean outside of doing things with the husband) but I know mine is still lacking in finding good friends after almost 3 yrs. I have a few glimmers of hope that a few folks will become better friends. That would make a big difference for me if I could confide in a girlfriend everyonce in while down here.

Mine's very much like yours. My exposure to people is limited to my workplace, and while I have one part-time friend (she's raising 2 young children on her own and doesn't have much free time) for the most part I am alone. I have some very casual acquaintances, but for the most part I am from another planet and the natives and I can't relate to one another much, to put it politely.

Romantic bliss is not enough to sustain a couple...you need solid successful things going on in each of your lives

Amen, amen, amen.

This is a timely post as this is how I've been feeling lately.

I had reservations about moving over here because my husband couldn't find a job no matter how hard he looked. I was worried that we would be stuck, and although he managed to get a job, it's practically minimum wage and not enough to support us. I've been looking for work as well for the past 6 months and although I've had a few bites, nothing has been successful. My plan was to get a job in my field, and then work for a while before starting a family, but now I'm considering going for my PhD. It takes 5 years which means my plans to have a family are greatly compromised, but I don't know what else to do. I CRAVE mental stimulation, and to feel like I'm learning and bettering myself. I'm feeling depressed staying at home everyday with his parents, and like you I don't have any interest in things anymore. I feel like a shell of my old personality who could talk for hours and stay positive during hard times. He doesn't know how to make me feel better, and he also feels guilty for not being able to find a job that supports us. I'm going to admit it, I do sometimes wonder if I made a mistake. A few times I have considered moving back to my country, but I honestly couldn't leave my husband as I love him so much, and I need us to be together. I can't imagine my life without him.

I don't really know what to tell you, other than you're not alone. Many people feel these things when they make the move, and I'm a firm believer that you need internal AND external things to feel better; you need the motivation and effort to carry on (internal) - but also the luck and reception from other people i.e. to help get a job or find friends (external). Right now it seems like you have every motivation to get yourself out of this situation, but are stuck without the practical things, like myself.

Is it possible you can hang on in there until he finishes school? How long does he have left? Because if there's an end goal, that means you can start planning the steps you need for your own life.

If you'd like to chat, you can message me and I'll give you my number. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who knows how you're feeling.

Thank you, just having someone empathizing helps. You're absolutely dead on about having the motivation but having the practical means out of reach. I'll shoot you a message.

So why exactly can't you work or go to school?

I work a full time job to support us while he goes to school.

First of all, I love my partner. We've been together 5 years and I cannot imagine not being where he is- I love him profoundly and cannot but see myself with him for the rest of my life. If I had to do this all over again to have him, I would.

That being said, I am beginning to think immigrating to the US was a huge mistake. I hate it here. I hate it here so much that I cry myself to sleep sometimes like a whiny dramaqueen with aspirations to soap opera stardom. Over the past few months, and most recently the 'vacation' we took to see his family, I have come to realize that my dream of continuing my schooling/career when I'm done serving my time in the US supporting him, is never going to happen. Despite all my mother's worry that I would become 'that girl' who abandons her dream to run off with a man, I have become exactly that. I never had any interest in marriage or family. My career was everything to me, and a 4 year departure has become a 10+ year detour that I cannot see ever getting back on track. You can pull 18 hour days when you are 25, but 35 not so much. At 30, I am a total bag of garbage if I haven't had 8+ hours of sleep, and my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be.

I feel like living here has desiccated all the parts of me that made me myself; I'm a husk of the woman my partner fell in love with, lugging around a worldview narrowed to mundane twaddle and completely devoid of positive personality traits, inspiration, creativity, or passion for anything. I find it hard to take his professed love for me seriously, because while I used to be confident of myself as a vivacious, colourful, firey personality, now I'm just a boring b!tch with no interest in anything. Nothing's left of the old me.

He feels tremendous guilt for bringing me here, and we're both trapped until he finishes his degree, so I can't confide in him without adding to his own distress. After 2 years, I can no longer comfort him effectively, because the fact is I am completely miserable here and feel like I've squandered all the promise my life had to offer. I detest children and don't want them, but now I find myself thinking things like I'm only fit produce some so at least my gifts won't be wasted as I've completely wasted them on my own life. I feel like I've sacrificed all the promise my own life had held to support his.

People's greatest aspiration is to have romantic bliss, but now I wonder if it's enough to keep a human being sustained. Is being in love worth losing who you are? How do you deal with becoming someone else, someone you don't recognize or respect?

I needed to get this off my chest. I've just admitted that I am giving up my dream within the last two weeks, and I'm struggling with the enormity of it.

I know that lots of women in this forum had to make huge sacrifice to come here, and wanted to reach out.

One thing that's boggling my mind is the hue-and-cry over how this bill is 'Criminalizing being an ILLEGAL!'. It's like "I do not think this words means what you think it means." Do people not know what the word ILLEGAL means? It means something which is breaking the law.

It baffles me. Racial profiling is wrong. But I am legally required to carry my greencard with my AT ALL TIMES, and frankly, I think having a similar high-security ID card on everyone is only fair. Frankly, as someone who went through the hell of immigration, I don't feel kindly towards people who violated the laws I was forced to adhere to.

Good stuff

Most of the things you mentioned, like pensions etc, we don't have, but you reminded me that we have a Blockbuster rental account that had to be set up with both our names because they wouldn't accept my GC as ID, only a Driver's License (which I don't have). He's listed as my emergency contact at work.

I can send out a request that people (his family and mine) send us cards for our 2 year anniversary, would that help?

Hm, we have a joint gym membership too, would that count?

His brother's wedding is this summer, so I plan to get a ton of pictures of us together with his family. I know that photos aren't primary evidence, but our primary evidence is pretty serious (like the joint credit card. Now THAT is good faith!!) so I am hoping that we can pelt them with minor stuff to supplement the major stuff.

My mother also flew down to visit us (on our joint credit card, it was our gift to her) so I am wondering if I should include that as well as it's evidence that our families are well aware of us living as a married couple at this residence.

What do you think of these extra bits?

Well, I'm facing down the barrel of ROC. FML.

My card expires in Nov. Ugh. UGH. I do not want to go through more immigration crapola, as I haven't gotten over the trauma of the last batch!

I'm terrified of the evidence requirement, because my lovely, intelligent, resourceful, loving, wonderful spouse likes to THROW OUT MAIL WITHOUT CHECKING WHAT IT IS. Including our tax refund, which we had to re-order. All those cards sent to us by our families? Gone before I could save them. I have fished a few out of the trash if I spotted them, provided they weren't covered with vegetable peelings or coffee grounds, but I haven't seen them lately so I think they've been purged too.

We'll have our lease, our bank account which both our paychecks automatically are sent to, our joint credit card, our tax info from the last two filings, and him being on my dental insurance. That's it. Utility bills, phone, internet, etc are under his name, I don't drive so I am not on his car insurance (his parents pay for it, anyway) and are have the aforementioned dearth of cards and such from his family. I could probably scrounge up another card or two in the next few months, and his parent's church sends us newsletters addresses to the two of us because we're not living in sin, and we could print out the expedia travel confirmations from our yearly christmas trips to visit his family, and from our vacation in Canada last summer, where I have a single picture of us in the ROM (which was included in our ticket/hotel/entertainment package). We have lost the boarding passes, so all I have is the travel confirmation emails, will that work?

Oh god, it's months away and I'm feeling queasy already!

Bwahahahaa, last week the annoying coworker I was ranting about got her head bit clean off by my lovely, classy, empowered black coworker who is her occasional friend. She is such a lady, but to see her go OFF like that was priceless. Such a happy, happy memory.

I couldn't do BC pills anymore because the estrogen ravaged my already-dying thyroid. I was so miserable on synthetic hormones, I don't even want to think about it. I ended up going with a copper/silver combo IUD that lasted 3 years for $175, so it was a good option. I have really miserable periods that last 1.5 weeks and get them every 2.5 weeks, and they're horribly painful and the level of blood loss is so bad that I dropped from base iron levels of 75 to 35 in 3 months (basically from normal to severely anaemic in 3 months) so it has its downsides. However, no crazy hormones and loss of libido! Wooo!

Condoms are ... extremely unpleasant for me. Prohibitively unpleasant. I don't know if I'm allergic, but I know I'd rather pass on intimacy than deal with them, it's so unpleasant. Barrier methods are only effective if they don't break, and I'd had lots of breakage problems. So not worth it. I recommend the IUD for those in long-term relationships to avoid the hassle.

So is the EAD more money? I know when I file my AOS its gonna be $1010.00 . Is that including the cost of EAD and AP???

Yes, it includes the cost of EAD and AP. Since you'll have to pay anyway, most people file for EAD and AP because it's not extra.

You can see from my timeline for when we filed for AOS and when I got my EAD and GC. 2-4 months is a good guideline.

No more than I would expect an American to feel guilty about having a job in Canada. I live here, support the local economy, pay taxes, and contribute to society. I also do not send a large portion of my income out of the country instead of putting it back into circulation, which I know makes a lot of the Americans here very angry. Not sure about the rest of the country, but it makes people here upset.

I don't mean this in an attractive way (looks like my cousins, EW) but White after his winning run was the cutest thing ever. He was like a puppy on speed. The olympics may be totally "heavy" dude, but it's been, like, sick. He was like a little tigger, bouncing around. No arrogance, just "Wheeee!"

I was also really impressed with his (unnecessary) second run where he had NO speed and yet was able to pull off some absolutely amazing tricks that were for the fun of it and for the fans. That's sweet that he did that and didn't just coast through on a guaranteed win, and he even had HIGHER points after the second run.

Congratulations to you both! I am glad the people on the TN board were able to answer your questions.

I'm getting pretty soggy. It's so Canadian- inspired, resourceful, hopeful, gracious, and humble, all at once.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Galateia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),

Depression is a challenge to deal with and when it is based on environmental circumstances that you can't change, it is even harder to deal with. Still, I think it would help if you are able to talk with someone on a regular basis. We all tend to hold our unhappiness inside of us, especially if we feel trapped into our circumstances, and while we might not be able to change our circumstances, we might be able to change having to hold it in. Perhaps there are other resources than chemical or medical ones that you can use. Maybe finding a counsellor who will let you vent about the unkindnesses in your environment, about the callousness and the second hand comments will help you find a safety valve, find a way to let go of the negative environment enough so that it doesn't destroy the you of who you are. See if you can find a small haven of solace somewhere that helps you restore your sense of security and self-worth. Sometimes, it can help if you can find a way to make it not 'matter so much'. I know it is far easier to write these words than ever to make these things happen, but you don't need to go through this alone. Try and find a shoulder you can lean on so you don't have to be strong all on your own.

Good luck to you. I hope that things get better for you soon.

Thanks, you posted while I was typing so I'm sorry I missed this.

I do have one friend from Seattle, but she's imploding herself from a divorce and custody battle and a whole host of other external stresses that means that she can only provide so much support, and vice-versa.

I guess I just feel completely hopeless because I don't see any way to improve my circumstances without relocation elsewhere, which isn't an option. Everything just circles, hemmed in by that.

First off, yes, I wear panties. As I said, I have never not worn them in my life. In fact, I wear granny panties, although made of microfibre which I find more comfortable. Some days I wear boy short undies. None of them are the least bit sexy, so I have no clue why they decided to make up this scandal about me always going pantiless.

Your current work is definitely not the right place for you. It is sucking anything positive that you have left right out of you. and how could you know it wasn't the right place until you'd worked there a while, right? Now sounds like the time to try a job search. Put out a few resumes and see if anyone bites. You've been there a couple years, maybe there is somewhere else you can try? I can't remember whether you've said there are other opportunities or not or how big the town is.

You have culture shock girl and rightfully so. Where I live in Virginia, I hear a lot more racist, religious, generally discriminatory comments in the work place then I ever did in Canada.....it'd down right offensive and I wish people at my work would realize how offensive it is.

PS - I would confront the whole lot of them in one shot and tell them off - tell them you've heard people commenting on these various topics and that they have no right too and that they've hurt your feels and THAT isn't very Christian......hit'm right where it hurts sweetie

I can't drive. We have been making progress in overcoming my phobia, but in order for me to get a permit, that requires time off to go to the office and take the test. This hasn't been possible yet, but due to new and exciting abuses from my workplace, I will soon have a schedule that's all over the place, so hopefully a permit is in my near future.

The public transit here is not sufficient for me to use it for work. That means I am limited to jobs within walking distance. That means I am limited to my current job until I can drive on my own, which is at least a year off or more, depending on license laws here.

But you know, it's the same all over town. It's not my workplace, it's the culture here. It would be same manure, different pile, and without the veneer of civility that a better-class job like this one has. I can change jobs, but I can't change towns, and it's like this, or worse, all over town.

Taking on my coworkers for being products of local culture will only make my work situation worse. The law of majority says I am the one in the wrong. So I stifle my comments, endure until it is time to go home, and then wait for the next day to start.

Unless I can find a therapist that's a transplant, even if I could afford one, I will be complaining about how their culture is slowly killing my spirit and driving me to drink. Not exactly the sort of thing to say to a local who radiates pride over the very things I find so offensive.

Allow me to clarify that I am not becoming a drunk or a hysterical mess due to homesickness. I'm not saying that Canada is the Land of Milk and Honey and that I just looooong to go back.

I am just reaching my breaking point on being where we are. However, being without my husband is unthinkable, so, here I am. And here I'll remain, until he's also free to go elsewhere. I have contemplated perhaps seeking medical help to deal with my raging depression, however chemical aids meant for chemical ailments cannot help with circumstantial depression.

However, I am tired of hearing secondhand about how I am a lesbian (I'm married), how I wear no panties, ever (I've never gone without underwear in my life), how I might be an atheist ("She says she's not, but does she go to Church? HMMMM? I think that speaks for itself!"), etc etc etc. Tired of constantly overhearing discriminatory remarks on religion, race, sexual preference, politics, social classes, etc. Tired of having no other option.

But as I said, here is where my husband must stay, so where he is, I'll have to be until something breaks or we make it through the next 6 years.

Because this is where he got his graduate offer. 3 years left (if we're lucky) and then 2-3 years under contract with the AF in one of the bases near here. The universe may invert and we'll be sent to a different state, but based on the fact that here is where they work with his speciality almost exclusively, that's where they'll send him.

The acceptance rate for grads in his field, according to google, ranges between 1-5% of applicants getting an offer somewhere. The year he applied, it was 3%. He was lucky enough to be among that 3%, but it means we had zero choice about where we went.

Like I said in the co-worker thread, I've taken up drinking to cope. I am not kidding. I'm now at the stage where I'm considering swapping Bailey's for creamer in my morning coffee. I cried on and off for about two hours this morning while at work, including right in front of my boss. Woo!

And we're trapped here for at least another three years, then we'll be trapped in another part of Texas for another 2-3 years. This May will be 2 years here, so no, I didn't "just move here".

No. I hate it here and cannot wait to leave.

My K-1 was pretty rough, and any lingering guilt I might have had was eradicated by the abuse heaped on me by the border guard who processed my visa. Do all immigrants flying in on a k visa get grilled about their sexual history? I think not.

Wow, thanks so much for all the advice and cross-talk, folks!

I'm sure glad I came here for advice; I definitely don't want to get in trouble over this!

So, the plan now is to get married early next week, then try to get all my documents off by the end of next week. Hopefully I can figure out a way to get home in March (someone mentioned an emergency parole? I'm not sure how that works, but as a matter of fact, my grandmother just fell and broke her hip, so the March/April visit was also going to be to see her, just in case; perhaps I can get a parole for that), but if not, then my fiancee can go alone, or we can change our flights after I get my AP.

It's a hassle, but better to screw up the spring visit than to have problems in the fall or during the AOS process.

Again, thanks a ton! I'll drop in to let you know how it comes out.

Adam

I'm relieved you dodged a bullet! Aren't you glad you learned this now instead of the hard way when you tried to re-enter the US?

Since your grandmother is ailing, that's definitely grounds for asking for an expedited AP. Once you've sent off your AOS, I believe it's an infopass appointment that can get you the 'emergency' AP. I think I read somewhere on the AP information (possibly in my AOS package, possibly on the USCIS website) that the health/death of a family member is eligible. After all, you need to be mobile at a moment's notice if she "worsens", right? (Here's hoping your gran is spry and healthy before long, but they don't need to know that, eh?)

I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt, I was typing during my extremely short lunch and any sort of innocent blundering into the maw of immigration is a nail-biter for me.

Also, since you two are planning on getting married soon, I'd say start looking over the AOS guide here on VJ and getting your items in order. You'll need certain documents that you may not have on hand and also be wary of your local county clerk's turn around time for your marriage certificate. Mine had a week or so of delay for the actual certificate but was able to make the certified copies we used for AOS right then and there, so we didn't have to wait until they sent the certificate back to us, and solved the hassle of getting certified copies too.

Never hesitate to ask any questions about your AOS package, no matter how small (believe me, I asked some really idiotic questions) because with immigration, always better safe than sorry, right?

If you leave the US and then come back on your TN planning on eventually getting married and AOSing, congrats, you just committed fraud.

I could pretty it up with "maybe they won't ask" or "maybe you'll get away with it" or anything else, but the bottom line is what I posted above. If they ask you about it (and they will if you get married when you come back) you will either have to lie or risk getting caught.

Will they ban you for it? Maybe not. Do you want to risk a lifetime ban from the US? Only you can answer that. I feel for you, Adam, but the fact of the matter is, you need to assume you're going to get screwed six ways to sunday and take precautions to avoid it.

The only safe way of doing this is by marrying now and AOSing immediately. You may be able to ask for emergency AP at an infopass and get it granted in 48hrs, leaving you free to go to Canada this spring.