sosad

Thank you for your kind words and for standing up for me against this insensitive person that posted on here earlier.

Thank you for your kind words and for standing up for me against this insensitive person that posted on here earlier.

Thanks everybody for your replies and sharing your opinions and experiences. Pretty much everybody made a good point and you are helping me with the decision-making process. I wish I could respond to every single post individually.
I think if I knew for sure that he cheated physically, I probably would have left right away.
Knowing how he ticks though, there is a great possibility that he only used these contacts for kicks/ as virtual turn-ons, kind of like porn, but did not act it out.
Still, even if he didn´t sleep with anyone, what he did was a form of cheating and there is no excuse. I was lonely too, but I stayed faithful. All I could think of is being with him and starting our new life.
I do think though that there is a difference between fantasizing and acting upon those fantasies. I think if he really didn´t have sex with anyone, there is a chance that I could work things out with him if he sought professional help. But how will I ever know what he did or did not do?!
It´s been over a week since I found out and I am still here. I did not want to leave out of haste with a decision made out of anger and shock. I just cannot accept that we invested so much time and effort into this just to give up easily. I think I need a little more time to figure out whether I want to stay or leave.
One other member suggested that I could use the remaining time of my visa and stay here and observe. His first counseling session is this coming week. He gave me permission to look through his computer and phone at any time. I want to see what efforts he will make to keep me here and fix this.
If I find out anything else or I realize that it´s too painful for me and my mind goes crazy with suspicious thoughts, I will leave.
Thanks again, guys.

I have also created a separate account to respond to you. I am well known on the boards and wouldn't want other people to know this.
I went through a similar situation although I know for definite that my husband (then my fiancé) cheated on me as I found the e-mails. I suspected something on a visit to him and did some investigation. That led to an e-mail address that I was not aware of, a posting on a dating website, an e-card to a woman which demonstrated that they had had sex. Using this information, I broke into his e-mail account and found the e-mails between them.
I confronted him with all my evidence (I actually confronted him at each stage). He broke down and begged me not to leave him. We talked it through, how he was feeling when I had to leave to go back to my home country. How he was devastated when I left. When we first met, he was still married and his divorce was brutal. His lawyer friend which helped him with the divorce was not familiar with divorces and my fiancé went to court to find he was fully divorce when he expected to have to wait 3 months cool down period. He just went into a complete tailspin and did not have the emotional tools to deal with what was happening. The cheating was more to do with his ex-wife than to do with me.
Why I decided to continue with our relationship was the behavior of my husband in the immediate aftermath of my finding out. Apart from a couple of mistakes he made in discussing it, he was truly remorseful. It wasn't that he was sorry for me finding out, he was truly sorry for having done it in the first place. He constantly apologized, he gave me all access to his e-mail accounts, he deleted the one that he used to communicate with 'her'. He worked constantly to rebuild my trust and was so so grateful that I stayed.
I married him less than a year after I found out and I don't regret staying with him at all.
Some pointers for you. He needs to have complete disclosure wit you. I have found that one of the most hurtful things is something called 'trickle truth'. The truth of what happened comes out in stages. Sometimes it depends on what you find out. they will only admit to what you actually know and no more. Your fiancé needs to be completely truthful. I do not believe that he didn't have sex with anyone else in that 8 months. I think he is saying that because you cannot prove otherwise. But he needs to be 100% honest with you in order for complete mending to happen.
It is good that he has agreed to go to counseling. That will help with the mending process. But only you know if you can get past this betrayal. You can forgive but you will never forget. It is 14 months since I found out but I think about it every day. It doesn't hurt as much as it did at the beginning but it still hurts. But I look at the good life we have - I look at the good man I married - and I am happy. He is fully aware that if ever does anything ever again, that I am gone. He will not get another chance. The fear he experienced when he almost lost me (I had my bags packed when he came home for my final confrontation) is something he never wants to feel again.
Some people have said 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. This is not true. Circumstances sometimes mean that people do things that are not truly part of their nature. Sometimes good people do bad things but it doesn't make them bad people. Just flawed and human. As are we all.
I found help by posting on this forum - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/ - They also have a thread for LDRs.
If you want to talk, then please don't hesitate to PM me and I will send you my phone number. I know what it can be like - I was 4000 miles away from 'home' when I found out and had no one I could really talk to.

I am so sorry for you. That is a difficult situatin you in.
Maybe try a mind game. What if you were still at home in your country and that would have happened (I mean if you both lived in the samecp country and none of you were an alien?)
Also, as you posted this, what kind of answer were YOU hoping for? Your heart already knows, what you are trying to read here.
I wish you the courage to listen to yiur heart and the strenghf to go through this, which ever may be your path
Good luck.

oh, there are lots of go back home comments.. I think that's not that easy. I did similarly same things you've done. left my job, left my family behind and all my social life. For the one I love..
I only can advice you to listen to your hearth. And i believe that love is not sth that we can handle by ourselves. It's something getting stronger when we are together with beloved one. Think deeply about how you felt when you were together.. i mean before you learnt about his weaknesses.
Just listen to your hearth. It won't be easy to start things over, trusting him again. But just think, can you do that for this man? can you give him another chance?
You don't need to walk in the same way as the others. Sometimes fixing problems can make life better than having no problems. I had a couple friends. Girl cheated on him and after he learnt her mistake they had some bad days. But both of them wanted to fix this and they have very good life now. They are more open to each other than any couples i've ever seen. ( She had the same excuses as your husband, she cheated him when she was feeling too weak and when she had big concerns about the relationship) .
Another point is you don't have any concerns about today, do you? You are sad about the 8months. Ask him if he really wants to fix this problem. Then think about yourself if you can help him to fix this.. This is your relationship and don't let other people decide your future. Ask your hearth.
I hope the best for you..

I thought of these questions:
-Is this an on-going situation? Is he still doing such things now? Do you two agree on how he should behave going forward? If he is behaving properly, then maybe he was just slow in transitioning from being single.
-Does he show through other means that he is serious about your relationship? In other words, does this seem like a weakness to you, or does it seem like he is really not serious? If he still seems truly serious, then maybe it is worthwhile to stay and work on this issue.

CaroSL's advice is sound. You are the only one who truly knows the answer.
The reason I am here at this site is because my ex cheated on me. We had been together almost twenty years and he had never done it before and he wasn't looking for it. Our relationship wasn't perfect but he chose to deal with our problems in a really stupid way. I stayed for several months waiting for him to get it out of his system, as I knew it really wasn't his style to be a cheat. I eventually left, and met a wonderful man in the US that I've been dating for two and a half years. My ex is remorseful now, and wants me back, but it's too late. There came a day when I just knew I'd had enough and I left.
The bottom line is how well do you really know this guy? How long have you been together? Men do get cold feet and do stupid things. There's no excuse for it but I think relationships can be repaired after infidelity - sometimes.
Is he willing to do absolutely anything to fix this? Is he completely and totally remorseful? Is he taking all the blame or is he trying to pin some on you? THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He may have made a mistake or he may be a serial cheater. Can you live with the maybes? What will you do if the marriage doesn't work? Think it all through and you will know the truth. Unfortunately you don't have a lot of time, but you will know what you need to do.
I wish you happiness however you choose to deal with this.

Thanks everybody for your replies and sharing your opinions and experiences. Pretty much everybody made a good point and you are helping me with the decision-making process. I wish I could respond to every single post individually.
I think if I knew for sure that he cheated physically, I probably would have left right away.
Knowing how he ticks though, there is a great possibility that he only used these contacts for kicks/ as virtual turn-ons, kind of like porn, but did not act it out.
Still, even if he didn´t sleep with anyone, what he did was a form of cheating and there is no excuse. I was lonely too, but I stayed faithful. All I could think of is being with him and starting our new life.
I do think though that there is a difference between fantasizing and acting upon those fantasies. I think if he really didn´t have sex with anyone, there is a chance that I could work things out with him if he sought professional help. But how will I ever know what he did or did not do?!
It´s been over a week since I found out and I am still here. I did not want to leave out of haste with a decision made out of anger and shock. I just cannot accept that we invested so much time and effort into this just to give up easily. I think I need a little more time to figure out whether I want to stay or leave.
One other member suggested that I could use the remaining time of my visa and stay here and observe. His first counseling session is this coming week. He gave me permission to look through his computer and phone at any time. I want to see what efforts he will make to keep me here and fix this.
If I find out anything else or I realize that it´s too painful for me and my mind goes crazy with suspicious thoughts, I will leave.
Thanks again, guys.