jhwh303

I'm so glad I read this.. I don't really have anything to say about it or any comments on it right now. But thank you so much for taking the time to write it.

Thank you everyone who has answered this post so far, and shared experiences and given advice. I still feel like I'm walking in a dream, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what has happened. I'm just a normal guy.. I wasn't wired for this.
I have read each and every post here, word by word and line by line. Thank you so much all for the support, sharing your own stories and the insight. This isn't a matter of forgiving alone, it's a matter of forgiving and forgetting. I can't really begin to think about that now.
I tend to believe things happen for a reason. And I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's what I tell everyone else anyway when they're going through something similar - Slightly harder to believe when on this end of things. I read Si man's post over and over again. Had a looooong walk with our roommate last night. Spoke to my mother back home (although I haven't told her what happened, just that something isn't right). I've decided on one thing.. I'm not going to go home just yet. I did not go through a year of immigration hell, just to get here, and throw in the towel 6 weeks later. That would be such an utter and complete waste of everything. The way I see it, my country will always be there, and if I leave now, it's the last nail in the coffin.
I'm taking the maven's advice however to step back a bit from the marriage and take a hard look at myself. Try to rebuild myself. I have a very difficult time seeing this work out, whether for me or for us, if I don't try to at least stand on my own two feet first. I'd like to look at this, unbiased, from the outside, before I even think about the idea of reconciling.
From an ROC standpoint - I really don't care about that at this point. If it does come down to it in the future that I'll have to ROC with a waiver, I'll deal with that then. I just like to know my options are open. I am not, no way going to stay with her simply to make ROC easier.
My wife is still sleeping at a coworker's house. We're having lunch today.. I'll keep you guys posted.

We had lunch yesterday and went grocery shopping. I'm acting very calmly around her surprisingly. I realize you don't get answers by screaming at someone. The major problem I have in this is that she gets defensive.
She has always had a way of turning blame over to another person. We got into a car accident one time, she was driving. Car was totaled but both of us escaped unharmed. I ran out of the passenger seat, grabbed her and carried her out of the car and off the freeway. She was immediately very apologetic, to which I responded she had no reason to be and that it could happen to anyone. A while later she blamed me for the accident saying I made a poor decision by letting her drive in the first place. (We were late going somewhere, she was complaining about my slow driving and insisted she drive instead)
I'm seeing some of that again here.. She spends a little bit of time being apologetic, and if I'm still not "satisfied" she gets defensive. She told me she wants to work things out, that it happened, and for me not to think about it so much, "I don't even talk to him anymore".. I know it's still early, but she hasn't done or said anything to make me feel wanted. She's willing to admit that she was weak, f****d up, that she knew it wasn't right. In the same conversation though she also managed to inform me that "in a way" I did it to myself by "allowing another man" to do things for her I hadn't done, and that he wouldn't have done that to his wife (and 3 kids) either if he was happy with his wife. She also seems very concerned that I'll tell her family, my family or any of our friends..
I can't help giving myself part of the blame though. She has been so patient with me. She has been so good with me and my family through the years, and we have had problems in our relationship which I know have been my fault and which I haven't done enough to fix. In a way I blame myself for the separation too - It was my decision not to AOS after the wedding, but instead try living in my country. It was my decision to wait 11 months with the I-130 and try to get her a residence permit in my country first. And during our separation, there were plenty of times when I could have potentially done more to make sure the distance wasn't so obvious. But in the end, they weren't all my decisions alone, I had a big say, but we did make these decisions together..
This is what I usually say to friends if something similar has happened to them. And I've always lived by the notion that cheating is unforgivable. But it's a very different scenario when you've spent 4 years with them, opened joint accounts with them and spent the last 3 thanksgivings with their family. Being selfish is one thing - What my own selfishness wants is what's in question..
This woman's brother is like my younger brother, I go hiking with her dad and uncle, and her mother will call me just to chat if she hasn't heard from us in a few weeks. She's just as close to my family. Had this been any of my ex girlfriends, I would have been out of the apartment as soon as I found out. But there's a whole other level to this than just packing up and leaving. We're very closely knit, and up until very recently, I wanted to grow old with this woman. I still do - But not knowing what happened. Right now I'm paranoid even having her sleep at a coworker's house. Most of all I just want to forget.
I'm still waiting to hear back from their HR dept. I think you're right about a job being a godsend - At least it will force me to think about something else.. And right now, apart from the little savings I have, she's the one supporting me financially.
Thank you. Your happiness hierarchy I think is spot on, and absolutely something to take into consideration.

Thank you everyone who has answered this post so far, and shared experiences and given advice. I still feel like I'm walking in a dream, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what has happened. I'm just a normal guy.. I wasn't wired for this.
I have read each and every post here, word by word and line by line. Thank you so much all for the support, sharing your own stories and the insight. This isn't a matter of forgiving alone, it's a matter of forgiving and forgetting. I can't really begin to think about that now.
I tend to believe things happen for a reason. And I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's what I tell everyone else anyway when they're going through something similar - Slightly harder to believe when on this end of things. I read Si man's post over and over again. Had a looooong walk with our roommate last night. Spoke to my mother back home (although I haven't told her what happened, just that something isn't right). I've decided on one thing.. I'm not going to go home just yet. I did not go through a year of immigration hell, just to get here, and throw in the towel 6 weeks later. That would be such an utter and complete waste of everything. The way I see it, my country will always be there, and if I leave now, it's the last nail in the coffin.
I'm taking the maven's advice however to step back a bit from the marriage and take a hard look at myself. Try to rebuild myself. I have a very difficult time seeing this work out, whether for me or for us, if I don't try to at least stand on my own two feet first. I'd like to look at this, unbiased, from the outside, before I even think about the idea of reconciling.
From an ROC standpoint - I really don't care about that at this point. If it does come down to it in the future that I'll have to ROC with a waiver, I'll deal with that then. I just like to know my options are open. I am not, no way going to stay with her simply to make ROC easier.
My wife is still sleeping at a coworker's house. We're having lunch today.. I'll keep you guys posted.

Thank you everyone who has answered this post so far, and shared experiences and given advice. I still feel like I'm walking in a dream, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what has happened. I'm just a normal guy.. I wasn't wired for this.
I have read each and every post here, word by word and line by line. Thank you so much all for the support, sharing your own stories and the insight. This isn't a matter of forgiving alone, it's a matter of forgiving and forgetting. I can't really begin to think about that now.
I tend to believe things happen for a reason. And I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's what I tell everyone else anyway when they're going through something similar - Slightly harder to believe when on this end of things. I read Si man's post over and over again. Had a looooong walk with our roommate last night. Spoke to my mother back home (although I haven't told her what happened, just that something isn't right). I've decided on one thing.. I'm not going to go home just yet. I did not go through a year of immigration hell, just to get here, and throw in the towel 6 weeks later. That would be such an utter and complete waste of everything. The way I see it, my country will always be there, and if I leave now, it's the last nail in the coffin.
I'm taking the maven's advice however to step back a bit from the marriage and take a hard look at myself. Try to rebuild myself. I have a very difficult time seeing this work out, whether for me or for us, if I don't try to at least stand on my own two feet first. I'd like to look at this, unbiased, from the outside, before I even think about the idea of reconciling.
From an ROC standpoint - I really don't care about that at this point. If it does come down to it in the future that I'll have to ROC with a waiver, I'll deal with that then. I just like to know my options are open. I am not, no way going to stay with her simply to make ROC easier.
My wife is still sleeping at a coworker's house. We're having lunch today.. I'll keep you guys posted.

Thank you everyone who has answered this post so far, and shared experiences and given advice. I still feel like I'm walking in a dream, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what has happened. I'm just a normal guy.. I wasn't wired for this.
I have read each and every post here, word by word and line by line. Thank you so much all for the support, sharing your own stories and the insight. This isn't a matter of forgiving alone, it's a matter of forgiving and forgetting. I can't really begin to think about that now.
I tend to believe things happen for a reason. And I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's what I tell everyone else anyway when they're going through something similar - Slightly harder to believe when on this end of things. I read Si man's post over and over again. Had a looooong walk with our roommate last night. Spoke to my mother back home (although I haven't told her what happened, just that something isn't right). I've decided on one thing.. I'm not going to go home just yet. I did not go through a year of immigration hell, just to get here, and throw in the towel 6 weeks later. That would be such an utter and complete waste of everything. The way I see it, my country will always be there, and if I leave now, it's the last nail in the coffin.
I'm taking the maven's advice however to step back a bit from the marriage and take a hard look at myself. Try to rebuild myself. I have a very difficult time seeing this work out, whether for me or for us, if I don't try to at least stand on my own two feet first. I'd like to look at this, unbiased, from the outside, before I even think about the idea of reconciling.
From an ROC standpoint - I really don't care about that at this point. If it does come down to it in the future that I'll have to ROC with a waiver, I'll deal with that then. I just like to know my options are open. I am not, no way going to stay with her simply to make ROC easier.
My wife is still sleeping at a coworker's house. We're having lunch today.. I'll keep you guys posted.

Thank you everyone who has answered this post so far, and shared experiences and given advice. I still feel like I'm walking in a dream, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what has happened. I'm just a normal guy.. I wasn't wired for this.
I have read each and every post here, word by word and line by line. Thank you so much all for the support, sharing your own stories and the insight. This isn't a matter of forgiving alone, it's a matter of forgiving and forgetting. I can't really begin to think about that now.
I tend to believe things happen for a reason. And I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's what I tell everyone else anyway when they're going through something similar - Slightly harder to believe when on this end of things. I read Si man's post over and over again. Had a looooong walk with our roommate last night. Spoke to my mother back home (although I haven't told her what happened, just that something isn't right). I've decided on one thing.. I'm not going to go home just yet. I did not go through a year of immigration hell, just to get here, and throw in the towel 6 weeks later. That would be such an utter and complete waste of everything. The way I see it, my country will always be there, and if I leave now, it's the last nail in the coffin.
I'm taking the maven's advice however to step back a bit from the marriage and take a hard look at myself. Try to rebuild myself. I have a very difficult time seeing this work out, whether for me or for us, if I don't try to at least stand on my own two feet first. I'd like to look at this, unbiased, from the outside, before I even think about the idea of reconciling.
From an ROC standpoint - I really don't care about that at this point. If it does come down to it in the future that I'll have to ROC with a waiver, I'll deal with that then. I just like to know my options are open. I am not, no way going to stay with her simply to make ROC easier.
My wife is still sleeping at a coworker's house. We're having lunch today.. I'll keep you guys posted.

Thank you all for your responses so far. I've had a few days to think since this happened, but haven't gotten myself to post about this until today..
Capri, I am from a western European country, and have traveled to the US frequently with no problems. Both before and after getting married.
If we were to separate, I would stay temporarily with some family members or friends in a different state. Until we could maybe hopefully reconcile. I don't want to leave, but it's also very difficult to stay in this apartment with her. With all her stuff here. All of our stuff.
As far as evidence for a possible ROC waiver I don't have much. I've only been here for 6 weeks.. I'm listed as her husband as emergency contact on her ID, we have a joint bank account, both our names on the car insurance, family cell phone plan, and some utility bills, not in both names, but the electric and water are in her name, cable is in mine - both for the same address. I'm not listed on the apartment lease as her and our roommate signed it a few months before I arrived. We are about to add me on the car though.. We have 3.5 years worth of photos together, both with friends, family and on vacation in different countries. I suppose I could get tons of affidavits from friends and her family too. Maybe even her depending on what happens. And.. We did leave the US immediately after our wedding (I was in valid F-1 status) and didn't file the I-130 til 11 months after the wedding when we finally decided to move.. Plus, I received my visa only 3 months before the 2 year wedding anniversary..
Sandranj and the maven - That's exactly why I'm so worried.. I feel like I won't be able to look at her the same way again. I won't say never, but I just don't want to sit here in 2, 3, 10 years and still look at my wife as the woman who betrayed me. It's not so much about the lying, believe it or not.. She never lied directly to my face as far as I know. She just didn't tell me. Or in her words.. "You never asked." What really hurt aside from the mere thought of her with another man, is the fact that she got defensive and partially blamed me..

Thank you all for your responses so far. I've had a few days to think since this happened, but haven't gotten myself to post about this until today..
Capri, I am from a western European country, and have traveled to the US frequently with no problems. Both before and after getting married.
If we were to separate, I would stay temporarily with some family members or friends in a different state. Until we could maybe hopefully reconcile. I don't want to leave, but it's also very difficult to stay in this apartment with her. With all her stuff here. All of our stuff.
As far as evidence for a possible ROC waiver I don't have much. I've only been here for 6 weeks.. I'm listed as her husband as emergency contact on her ID, we have a joint bank account, both our names on the car insurance, family cell phone plan, and some utility bills, not in both names, but the electric and water are in her name, cable is in mine - both for the same address. I'm not listed on the apartment lease as her and our roommate signed it a few months before I arrived. We are about to add me on the car though.. We have 3.5 years worth of photos together, both with friends, family and on vacation in different countries. I suppose I could get tons of affidavits from friends and her family too. Maybe even her depending on what happens. And.. We did leave the US immediately after our wedding (I was in valid F-1 status) and didn't file the I-130 til 11 months after the wedding when we finally decided to move.. Plus, I received my visa only 3 months before the 2 year wedding anniversary..
Sandranj and the maven - That's exactly why I'm so worried.. I feel like I won't be able to look at her the same way again. I won't say never, but I just don't want to sit here in 2, 3, 10 years and still look at my wife as the woman who betrayed me. It's not so much about the lying, believe it or not.. She never lied directly to my face as far as I know. She just didn't tell me. Or in her words.. "You never asked." What really hurt aside from the mere thought of her with another man, is the fact that she got defensive and partially blamed me..

Brother:
Here's another angle to consider.
If you're offered that job with the excellent compensation, take it. Throw yourself into it. Work extra hours.
Taking a good job and doing well in it will earn you money, raises, commendations, and appreciation. The money and raises will give you extra flexibility that you really could use. The commendations and appreciation will act as a salve to your understandably raw self-esteem. You'll also meet colleagues with whom you'll have the chance of developing friendships.
This will be good for you now and long-term, si man.

Thank you all for your responses so far. I've had a few days to think since this happened, but haven't gotten myself to post about this until today..
Capri, I am from a western European country, and have traveled to the US frequently with no problems. Both before and after getting married.
If we were to separate, I would stay temporarily with some family members or friends in a different state. Until we could maybe hopefully reconcile. I don't want to leave, but it's also very difficult to stay in this apartment with her. With all her stuff here. All of our stuff.
As far as evidence for a possible ROC waiver I don't have much. I've only been here for 6 weeks.. I'm listed as her husband as emergency contact on her ID, we have a joint bank account, both our names on the car insurance, family cell phone plan, and some utility bills, not in both names, but the electric and water are in her name, cable is in mine - both for the same address. I'm not listed on the apartment lease as her and our roommate signed it a few months before I arrived. We are about to add me on the car though.. We have 3.5 years worth of photos together, both with friends, family and on vacation in different countries. I suppose I could get tons of affidavits from friends and her family too. Maybe even her depending on what happens. And.. We did leave the US immediately after our wedding (I was in valid F-1 status) and didn't file the I-130 til 11 months after the wedding when we finally decided to move.. Plus, I received my visa only 3 months before the 2 year wedding anniversary..
Sandranj and the maven - That's exactly why I'm so worried.. I feel like I won't be able to look at her the same way again. I won't say never, but I just don't want to sit here in 2, 3, 10 years and still look at my wife as the woman who betrayed me. It's not so much about the lying, believe it or not.. She never lied directly to my face as far as I know. She just didn't tell me. Or in her words.. "You never asked." What really hurt aside from the mere thought of her with another man, is the fact that she got defensive and partially blamed me..