Phil N

There is a lot of missing information here, obut that's probably for the better...
Grandma dislikes DeeDee for whatever reason, and decided to become belligerent about it. To her, DeeDee is fingernails on a chalkboard, just for existing and what she represents to grandma. Sort of like a wicked stepmother, only wicked grandmother. Since grandma is an abuser, she also rules mama, and is going to talk and bully mama into whatever grandma thinks is best.
I agree that hubby coulda/shoulda done more to protect his new wife from the abuse, but he is young and didn't know what to do in the moment. He seems to have regained his bearings, resolved to take care of her, and at least his new bride is happy with him, and that's what's most important.
The part about mama & grandma & whoever renting that house out from under them, now that's bizarre... trying to make life difficult for the young couple; for some reason (still grandma calling the shots, no doubt) they have really strong negative feelings about DeeDee and want to do whatever they can to create difficulty for Sam in the marriage so he'll bail on her. Well, DeeDee probably already has enough for a VAWA 360 petition if that was her goal, but obviously it wasn't, it was her man that she came for.
So grandma, and mom, must have some agenda for Sam that DeeDee is somehow interfering with. I wonder what that agenda is. This whole thing also makes me curious about Sam's dad, if he is in the picture or long gone or whatever, and whatever other family support is there for him and DeeDee.
In any case, Sam has made a huge effort and commitment to bring DeeDee here, navigating the paperwork, process, expenses, and then faced up to tremendous difficulties from family once DeeDee arrived. If he applies that same determination and persistence to overcoming these family obstacles, and helping DeeDee adjust, it looks promising for a happy ending. Best of luck to both of you!

There is a lot of missing information here, obut that's probably for the better...
Grandma dislikes DeeDee for whatever reason, and decided to become belligerent about it. To her, DeeDee is fingernails on a chalkboard, just for existing and what she represents to grandma. Sort of like a wicked stepmother, only wicked grandmother. Since grandma is an abuser, she also rules mama, and is going to talk and bully mama into whatever grandma thinks is best.
I agree that hubby coulda/shoulda done more to protect his new wife from the abuse, but he is young and didn't know what to do in the moment. He seems to have regained his bearings, resolved to take care of her, and at least his new bride is happy with him, and that's what's most important.
The part about mama & grandma & whoever renting that house out from under them, now that's bizarre... trying to make life difficult for the young couple; for some reason (still grandma calling the shots, no doubt) they have really strong negative feelings about DeeDee and want to do whatever they can to create difficulty for Sam in the marriage so he'll bail on her. Well, DeeDee probably already has enough for a VAWA 360 petition if that was her goal, but obviously it wasn't, it was her man that she came for.
So grandma, and mom, must have some agenda for Sam that DeeDee is somehow interfering with. I wonder what that agenda is. This whole thing also makes me curious about Sam's dad, if he is in the picture or long gone or whatever, and whatever other family support is there for him and DeeDee.
In any case, Sam has made a huge effort and commitment to bring DeeDee here, navigating the paperwork, process, expenses, and then faced up to tremendous difficulties from family once DeeDee arrived. If he applies that same determination and persistence to overcoming these family obstacles, and helping DeeDee adjust, it looks promising for a happy ending. Best of luck to both of you!

I don't have a need to "pathologize". I was just hoping for a somewhat-normal woman and the ability to have a happy relationship. When I got extreme manipulation, like no other woman I'd ever experienced, I tried to make sense of it. BPD is where it led, especially when I ran back through the history of the relationship, and tried looking at events through the BPD lens. If you are professionally offended by my amateur diagnosis, I will happily live with that. The BPD part is exceedingly clear, and seems to be the dominant feature. What else is there, well that's where I acknowledge my ignorance. I feel I can also state with confidence that she is NOT Bipolar.
Externalize responsibility? Did you not read my earlier posts acknowledging 100% responsibility for ignoring signs? There were plenty, plenty of signs, and I chose to foolishly believe she would relax and behave like a normal woman in the USA. I operated from the wrong model, and I ignored advice, because I foolishly *wanted* to believe it would work. Mostly I am guilty of having no direct prior experience with personality disorders like this. Women test men ALL the time in different ways. You test us to see if we are weak and needy approval-seekers, among other things. (I am assuming you are female, and including you in the collective "You") You test us men to see if we will hand you our balls to keep in your purse. (Most women don't want such a man) Way too many men don't test women, especially "nice guys". I do. You label it as "provoking". I tested her statements of how she would be in the USA, and found out that she had previously told me what I wanted to hear, and that her actions and intentions were quite different than her words. I found that she is used to using affection and sex as a way of controlling men, and tried to do that with me, to pressure me into a quick marriage. I found that she would rage at me about any outside interests, which I suspect is partly because those limit her opportunity to influence and control me. I found that she could go from raging at me one moment, to talking in a casual and friendly way with houseguests 15 seconds later. I found that she would create arguments out of thin air to advance her agenda and try to control me. Then she would later use the *wrong* argument as the basis for her behavior punishing me. I found that not only did she present herself as an expert on Russian woman/American man relationships, but in the next breath, she also presented herself as an expert on American women in relationships. Uh, NO.
Yes, I do have plenty of my own issues, thank you very much. I've done a lot of work on them throughout my entire adult life, and I feel rather good most of the time about the results. For what it's worth, I disclosed all my (known) issues to her when I visited her in her country. She pooh-pooh'ed the existence of these issues and stated they were absolutely not a concern, and she, like many Russians, tends to think such psychological things are fluffy American Bolshevik anyway.
Linehan's DBT program seems to be the only one I could tell yields somewhat consistent results. Perhaps she's just a better Internet marketer than proponents of other programs. In my city, there is a clinic staffed with at least one person who has been personally trained by Dr. Linehan in DBT and been doing it since 2005. I spoke with her. My objective is to get my girl in there for an assessment. Of course, any such program is a moot point if the potential BPD does not wish to participate, and the woman I spoke with was somewhat hostile and suspicious towards me, and rather protective of the (potential) BPD. I take that attitude as an overall good thing. If you know of other successful BPD treatment programs, please point me to them.
Many of the BPD-related materials suggested NOT confronting suspected BPDs with the information. SWOE listed a few exceptions, and I felt this circumstance fit one of those exceptions.
If you are done scolding me, can you run with me for a bit on the BPD thing, and do you now have some more constructive advice for me, and my own safety and happiness, and for the best overall outcome of this situation? My own safety and happiness is first, of course, but I have no desire to have things be any worse than they already are for this woman and her daughter.

UPDATE:
FYI, my fiance and her daughter have a normal schedule to get up sometime after 12noon/1pm (Pacific Time) and to turn in for sleep sometime after 4am. So, basically, my fiance is operating on Ukrainian time, rising at 10am there, and going to bed at 2am there.
I had arranged to take them out to my other house, which has good bus service, so they can go wherever they want that the buses will take them, while I am at work. When I show up, my fiance changes plans, and wants to go to a particular store. I drive her and her daughter to that store. They are both sitting in second row seats in the minivan; the passenger seat in front is empty. I would complain, but after the stunt my fiancee pulled during the weekend, it seems safer to not have her next to me.
When we arrive at the store, a fabric store, I give my fiance $20 to shop with, but she refuses to get out unless I give her at least $100. Money is tight right now, to say the least. I tell her that $20 is all I have for now. She says she will stay in the car and insists I must give her $80 more or she is not getting out. I park and wait about 5 minutes. She repeats her demands several times. I respond only that I do not have it. No movement. I drive back home. She and her daughter refuse to get out of the car. I need to drive back to work for the afternoon. I ask again, calmly, and I wait about 5 minutes. They remain in the car. I take a few things things out, and thankfully, I have another car. I get in it and drive to work.
Oh yes, before leaving in the other car, I try to hand my fiancee a printout with the exact information needed to contact the airline, and check out information for changing return tickets to an earlier date. She can do this easily, with her excellent English skills. She refuses the paper, and tells me to put it "anywhere". I put it on top of some of her things in the next room. So it seems she is not so interested in return tickets, when push comes to shove.
This has escalated out of control. I need to find a way, any way, to get her out of my house, and out of my life, and ASAP.