I really need your help/advice

[DanteInfe 1]

I filed for ROC this month and my biometrics is due in a couple of weeks, I have been trying to save our marriage but...

We went to therapy but it was impossible, she didn't want me to talk about anything, her addictions, depression, abusive behavior and worst of all her constant threats against me, we had a separation more then a year ago, when she tried to hurt herself and I call 911 to get help from the paramedics, the police come in and she was taken by the paramedics to the hospital, the thing is that she is a lawyer and has really "good" friends that are also lawyers and manage to get her out before any treatment was done, but the Doctors told me that I was in a very dangerous situation, she had threaten my life and my family, she was violent and hit me twice in two separate occasions when she was "drunk", she also threaten to file a false police report under domestic abusive to have me deported or at least to deny me of the citizenship and worst she told me that she would call immigration and have me deported because she was going to file for a divorce under fraudulent so she could have me deported... She told me to leave the house and never to come back because if I ever come back she was going to have me arrested (under false charges)... the only witness that I had it was our roommate but since she was helping him with his case and she knows all his secrets, so he wont testify in my favor for fear of a retaliation...

So I book a flight and the day before I left she told me that she need it to see me, I went with fear knowing that she could call the police and file a false report but in any case I went, she told me that I should stay, that she never meant to hurt me or threaten me, but the damage was already done, I couldn't sleep that night fearing that the second I closed my eyes I was going to "wake up" surrounded by cops or dead... we made love that night but I told her that I wouldn't stay (I was really afraid, fearing for my life and liberty), that I would leave the next day an that we should take some time apart to see if she really love me (I know I love her) but I need it some time to regain myself... Time flew by, we kept taking and a week later I was back with my wife also she was pregnant.... my family was really afraid of letting me go, since our roommate told me about her talking about killing me and she called the cops twice on her ex under false charges, lucky for him that the neighbors help him and he was never arrested but in his divorce she made false accusations (because she told me) and the judge believed her and he lost custody of his child...

Just after I left I tried to contact both psychologist at the hospital that saw my wife and I but I was unable to find them and the case file can only be access via court order.

So back to the present, I'm really tired of this whole situation I love her but I don't think I have any strength left in me, before it was just dealing with her (our) problems but now I'm dealing with the whole family problems and I'm getting tired of being treat like garbage when I don't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment.

Also she did another thing that really broke my heart and shatter many hopes because no matter what she has done in the past I felt in my heart that she could not hurt me because she loves me and I haven't done anything bad to her so.... she didn't want to go to the couples therapy but I told her (after many months of begging her to go with me) that she promised me that we were going to therapy, so she went with me but she was mad, so when we sat down and start taking she tells the therapist that "everything is a lie", I felt like my life was going to end there, the therapist look at me and I was perplex, after a few questions the therapist told her that how it was possible that she tells her that everything is fake and then describes me has her "knight in shining armor".

In any case that day I felt like a void in my heart, betrayed by the person you loved and worst of all, she kept pushing the dagger, when we were in the car, she told me "how does it feel to be betrayed by the one you love?", I told her that it was beyond my comprehension how she could have done something like that, she just reply "now you know how I felt the day you called 911"... I told her that I never lied when I called 911 and that I called because she was hurting herself and that she just lied for no good reason and in a place that we were supposed to make things better, she just told me that it doesn't matter, she just wanted to show me how she felt and know she has "evidence" to got me deported if she wanted to... I just stood silent in the car for the whole road back home, when we arrived home she told me that her girlfriend just text her and that she was going to meet with her, I didn't care, that whole rest of the day I just kept thinking/meditating/praying...

she arrived later that night and apologized for everything even told me that she was going to talk to the therapist and told her that she lied, that she was hurt and wanted to take it out on me, I didn't care I told her that that wasn't necessary (because the real damaged was already done and I have never told her that), I was happy because she for once have said sorry BUT then she told me the words that I always hear "everything was MY fault"...

Now a few months later at the beginning of this excruciating process again I'm in a crossroad, I was thinking what if we give each other some space to think/breath, she just goes from saying I want to make love to you, to hate me, to give me some space, to why are you so "distant", to lest get a divorce and back to love you again, all in a single day or a couple of days, so I'm just going "nuts" with dealing with so many things and nothing is coherent, because the "only" logic in the world is HER own logic.

So I just want to know what are my "options" since I just filed for ROC and for me to move out in the same state is out of the question for financial reasons and that is why we are living at this point with her parents. So if I moved out to give us some space I will have to go to another state were I have friends and family and I know I could get a nice peaceful place to rest my head and work. But I don't know how that could affect my application.

Thank for reading.

[Brit Abroad 166]

It's an unhealthy relationship for both of you. Time to cut your losses and walk away knowing that you've tried to get her to get help and you've tried to get her to join you in saving the relationship with the help of experts.

She cannot get you deported at this stage. Divorce her, file RoC with divorce pending and move on with your life. If she requests a meeting with you, make sure you take a witness with you or have her meet you in a public place for YOUR safety.

When you love someone you don't play games with their emotions, you don't score points and take revenge, you don't threaten them and you don't abuse them. She's unwilling to take responsibility for herself and you cannot build a relationship with a person in this mental state.

Edited July 29, 2014 by Brit Abroad

[DanteInfe 1]

There is conflicting information from your post. How is it possible that you both are living with your parents with financial difficulties when she is a lawyer "with good lawyer friends"? You also stated earlier that you both had a roommate. How does your roommate live with her parents?

In your last paragraph, you stated that you filed for ROC, I believe you meant you both JOINTLY filed for ROC. If this is correct, you both basically filed for the ROC on the basis of a lie that your marriage is bonafide and happy, when you know fully well that your marriage is deteriorating and with certain days where you both didn't even live together in marital union. So it appears now you are looking for advice on VJ on how to get rid of your spouse that helped you file your ROC jointly despite the glaring failure in the marriage. Please correct me if I'm wrong but if not, what you're doing is committing marriage fraud and immigration officers are precisely trained to fish out couples like you. VJ is not going to solicit advice on how to commit fraud.

She has stated to some of her friends that she doesn't want to work any more but she tells me that she is going to get a job but she constantly find excuses to not apply for a job, she could do anything (she is well educated, prepared and smart but she makes dumb decisions, hang with the wrong crowd and can be really mean) but if she is not willing to work that wont be of much help even if she has the proper credentials and knows the right people..

We used to own a house and that's when we had a roommate.

Yes, we jointly filed for a ROC but how could be fraud if our marriages was never meant to circumvent immigration laws? having difficulties in a marriage is normal and "we" have done more then everything to kept our marriage together, I'm not looking on advice on "how to get rid of my wife", I'm just looking for points of view (-also venting-) on how "USCIS will see it" if we separate for a while when the process has already started and I have biometrics in a couple of weeks and if I moved out (to give her some space and to catch my breath) I will have to go to another state and this doesn't mean that we are getting divorce, just giving her some space and for me a time to "recuperate".

Also "you both basically filed for the ROC on the basis of a lie that your marriage is bonafide and happy" that's really inaccurate, our marriage is bona fide since it was entered not to circumvent immigration laws, we have issues (more/less then others) like all couples do but that doesn't mean that is fraudulent just because we are not living a "fairy tale" marriage.

@Brit thanks for your advice.

[PantomimeGoose 59]

A others have mentioned, you can divorce and refile with divorce pending. You can also refile as 'single' (estranged).

It's also possible to continue to jointly file with separate residences as long as you submit a change of address form and carefully and honestly explain your circumstances when you are asked. You will be asked. This will almost certainly land you an interview and they will likely be very skeptical of the situation, however resubmitting as single or divorced may do the same.

Unfortunately, USCIS wants the pretty story that our married lives are all sunshine and mutual utility bills. I personally feel that getting divorced when you don't want to, or saying you're 'single' when you and your spouse don't feel you are, to be able to neatly tick a box on their paperwork is as much 'fraud' as getting married to someone you don't want to marry for immigration benefits. It's your marriage, if you're not sure you want to end it yet, don't do it for them.

But be prepared to explain yourself and back it up with documentation.

[tuckin14 58]

1) Filing a joint I-751 when the marriage is "deteriorating" or even you are separated is not fraud.

Consider an extreme case, a couple had the idyllic marriage and the day before filing I-751 the USC spouse has a visit from God telling them to become a nun. Or is arrested for murder and pleads guilty. No fraud here. Well the situation doesn't have to be that extreme. If you are married you can file I-751 jointly. Of course if you are living at different addresses, you have to put that on the form.

2) USCIS doesn't really care if you are having troubles in your marriage. They care whether you entered into the marriage in good faith. You have to prove the usual things - you lived together, shared financial responsibility, held yourselves out as a couple, did "couples" things. Or show that because of your USC spouse you couldn't. If you started in good faith and the marriage deteriorated, regardless of whose "fault" it was, you can still get ROC.

[DanteInfe 1]

Well, yesterday she hates me and today she loves me, I can deal with her "mood swings" (is part of her condition) but the thing is that I'm getting wear down by is my mother in law antagonizing every single situation and instead of helping she just pours gas to the fire or starts the fire...

Today both of them are like nothing happen and yesterday they were fighting each other and both took it out on me... Her mother has an "early" Alzheimer (some doctors says she has it other wont agree) but sometimes I feel like is "selective memory" (I'm not the only family member that feels this way), in any case my wife was "sorry" in her own bizarre way and everything seems to be calm (for now), we agree (like always) that she needs to find a job pronto, that way we could afford to move out and start again, the thing is that it feels like "deja vu" all over again...

I just told her at the end that if she need it some space I could move out for a couple of weeks may be a month but she told me that she just needs to find a job and we have to move out but together.

My mother in law just went to be "nice" again... I don't know if they feel some kind of remorse after treating me bad (without any reason), that they act nice and if noting ever happen but is kind of "insane", cannot wait to move out with my wife.

@pantomime, we are not ready to give out on each other, I really don't mind and interview or presenting more evidence, since our love and relation are real, I have no "fear" of an interview, as a matter of fact I believe that it would give me a better chance to express things that paper can not transmit. The thing I'm worried about it the "bureaucratic process" involving that if I moved out for a couples of weeks and come back do I have to send a letter to inform my "temporary" change of address, or thing like that that could really impaired the whole process just for not knowing certain procedures.

@tucking, thanks for your answer and we are living together at her parents house.

@Happy chick, well she even says things like that, such as "I'm an angel and she is a devil", even her whole family tells me that I have the patience of a saint to be able to put up with her, even my mother in law tells me that how do I manage to have such a patience and my father in law loves me for everything I have done for our family, and don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint but I do believe in GOD and tried to follow HIS teachings and the golden rule of life "do unto others...", even at my job some customers that will come to me with and aggressive attitude and will retract after I treat them with kind and to the best of my abilities, is not because I'm a "good" person, is because life thought me the hard way a long time ago that I was wrong in the way I was living my life, lesson learn and now I know that something are really priceless and others deserves a closer look. That just to put it in layman's terms and in a few words my trials and tribulations in life and also "one or two" "epiphany's" a long the way...

I just need it to vent, an "talk" to someone about my emotions to release the pressure in a safe way, its like therapy, now I feel better, I'm glad and at peace, also love the input and perspective of others in my life.