SaddenedNow

OP I'm very sorry you've gone through this. But I would strongly advise to contact the proper authorities. Best of luck to you.

___________

I commented on this once before in this thread, but I'd like to add a bit for the benefit of VJ:

I have been blown away ever since reading this...I've never 'met' anyone irl or on here, who would legitimately have this method of thinking to pretty much take his wife a prisoner as a means of reconciliation. The situation you described above is the very scenario which would QUALIFY her for a VAWA claim. I'm highlighting this again to let other people reading this thread, who MIGHT take your advice, that this is not the way to go...not morally, or even legally wrt VAWA. This advice, however well intentioned, is BAD BAD BAD. Think about it...if you have to sever her contact with her homeland, sever her contact with money, disable the computer...is that a wife, or a dog being punished? If anyone needs to do any of those things above, the marriage is TOAST. And doing all those things to a new immigrant who may or may not have command of the English language is just deplorable, it's forcing her to be wholly dependent on her husband with no other options - and the very reason why VAWA was created.

I suggest no one with marital problems on the brink of divorce try your method of 'rebuilding'. Again, I realize OP has made his decision, but for everyone else contemplating this...DON'T DO IT.

Agreed--I did take the cell phone away initially, but returned it after an 8 hour shift, and let her know I was not going to cut her off from talking/texting with her family.

Also, probably my final update: one-way flight on JAL departing Tuesday 11/23 booked. Our Visa Journey is now over, so therefore my participation is over also. I have deep wounds to attend to and let heal.

Sadden is there any reason why you have not turned her into the feds?

It's your ballgame in the end but that would be my next move

good luck

piglett

The feds would not do anything except tell me to send her away at my own expense. Nothing criminal can be proven from her actions. She came here legally at my request, and it simply is not going to work out. They will not get involved unless they believe she intends to stay illegally. And even then, if they would act is questionable.

to the part in red.

However, it sounds you think you can't force her to go? You simply have to tell her options nonchalantly - she can either agree to fly home or leave your house and have you notify immigration. She has no negotiating power in this one. If you want her to go, which you've indicated so, then there is no more negotiating.

Yes, agreed. I will just tell her she has to go as she has nothing to gain by staying. I will withdraw my AOS support affadavit if needed, and make certain she fails the bonafide marriage element of the interview. She would not know how to pursue AOS without my assistance anyway. But I need to know she understands this. No more negotiating is correct.

This is a telling remark. Since you are completely anonymous here on VJ, why not tell us the story.

Is anyone else curious?

I simply asked if she wanted to remain here as my wife, and give me her love and respect. She said she wanted to stay here and work it out. I said we could go forward and see if it could work, but only if she would be honest, loving and respectful.

Her chat log a couple days later showed her expressing to her family that she would leave me if she felt she could. Well, I will make her wish come true and have her leave.

Translation of those chat logs were just received today, and I have not had the opportunity to tell her again that she is going. I will not buy the ticket until I tell her, because if she expresses a refusal to go, then the non-refundable ticket is useless. However, her suitcase has remained packed since the first time I told her she would have to go home, so I do not think she will argue.

Sometimes letting someone go is the most loving action one can take.

Hey Jared...the smart money is on NO TICKET YET.

Patience people! No ticket yet is the correct answer---I do have a conscience, even if my wife does not. I consider purchasing the ticket a irreversible decision, and sending my wife home knowing I can not/will not ever allow her to return is an action I do not take lightly.

I had to investigate further, so I have given it time, and allowed her to solidify my belief that sending her home is the right thing to do. A ticket will be purchased in the next few days, and she should be on Philippine soil within a week---the day of departure will depend on ticket price and my schedule.

The support offered here is tremendous, but so is the criticism. Being called a moron, idiot, etc is kind of unsettling. I am not one to act hastily, but once I do make a decision, it is usually decisive and absolute. Maybe many of you would send my wife away instantly, but we all approach things differently. That I have reacted slower than you think I should have does not make me stupid; rather it makes me human. If I wait a week, two weeks, or even a month, it is my decision to make, and one that I must be able to live with.

To those of you that suggested forgiveness, or a second chance----kudos! I carefully considered whether I could forgive her or not. With careful contemplation (and further derogatory information) I have decided forgiveness is not possible or deserved, but I appreciate that some of you have the fortitude to suggest it despite the avalanche of criticism tossed at you. I did give her a second chance of sorts, but within a day or two she failed.

Thanks again to all. I will update when appropriate.

It is good that she is now communicating better with you. I am not sure though if it's genuine regrets for what she has done (or genuine regret for being found out) or if she's just faking things.

However, if she feels like she is in a jail, then maybe there is something more wrong in your arrangement and she doesn't get out of your house. New immigrants should spend a lot of time being connected with the things and people that she/he is familiar with, including the food, the sights and sounds (maybe through the TV - Filipino Channel), and the people. It is best to be part of a Filipino community or in a neighborhood where there is at least one Filipino with whom she could be friends with to make the adjustment easier. Just my thoughts on that subject.

-Kezia

I have gotten her TFC and GMA via DirectTV. I have found all of the ingredients to make her familiar Filipino food. I have given her several introductions to Filipinas, including one that lives only 6 blocks away. I have gotten the invite to the PhilAm christmas party. I get her out of the house as much as possible, and a Filipina friend of mine, and now also for her, gets together with her for dinner several days a week.

Some factors that have not helped matters, are my work schedule being temporarily changed to evenings right after she arrived here, and the fact she does not know how to drive. I cannot transport her since I am at work, so she has evenings to herself. Also, for the first month she was here, we stayed at my mother's home, as my home was being remodeled for her with ceramic and marble floors and partial wall tiles, new baseboards and crown moulding, and a few other investments.

I will see if she wants to discuss today any more. I am not beyond forgiving, but I would need some assurance that she will sever ties with this former boyfriend

As for the "degree" and a decent job, lots of people have degrees and even PhDs here in the Philippines. Many of our schools are diploma mills who just keeps on letting incompetent people graduate as long as they get the money from the tuition and miscellaneous fees. So when someone from the Philippines says that she or he has a degree (even a doctorate which could also be "doctored"), don't think too much about it right away. Inquire first about her school, and ask around or research if the school has a good reputation for being strict in upholding standards of quality education, and if she has good grades. Degrees are a dime a dozen here, so to speak.

Her college was called Ateneo de Davao. It could be one of those diploma mills that give easy degrees. I guess I never considered that it could be a 'pay for your degree' school, so it is possible.

Well, tonight she offered her apologizes for all she has done. She cried a lot. She told me she feels it is so difficult for her here----like she is in a jail. She agreed that it is best if she returns to the Philippines. I am looking to get her there in the next week or so. She is discussing more with me now. I told her the talking we did this morning is the normal way people discuss issues, rather than just stand in silence and looking away. She asked why I do not behave with more anger towards her, and she said she is surprised I did not slap her. I explained that getting physical is not only not in my character, but it does nothing helpful.

So, finally she has expressed some genuine regret, and communicated her thoughts a little bit. I told her, she is a little too late to start communicating about what has happened.

And remember once a cheater always a cheater. She cannot be trusted because the trust was never there from the beginning. Please becareful on how you proceed so that she does not make false acuasations against you. I really do hope the best for you and that this ends soon, if you want it to. True love is out there, but sometimes it takes a while to find.

Agreed. This is why I expect to ship her home in the next few days. Having started cheating/deceiving me from before and even the day after the marriage, she has shown a propensity to put another man before me. This is unforgiveable. I am not worried so much of false accusations, but will be mindful of them.

I have cut the ability to make long distance calls from the home phone, as I am not going to pay for her to call her boyfriend. She can text her family from the cell phone instead. I will recover the wedding ring from her before she boards the plane, and ensure I keep any valuables that she did not bring with her.

She is the one that will lose much more from this incident, and I am going to ensure she does not benefit. If I start to get any resistance from her about returning home, I will contact ICE and/or USCIS to explain the circumstances. I will also send a copy of our marriage certificate to the Philippines Consulate for registration, and probably send one to the NSO in Manila, to ensure the marriage is registered. I don't want to make it easy for her to conceal her marital status.

And for the person that recommended I try to get a signature for the divorce, thank you. I will check into that too.

Thanks to all for the advice.

Hello,

This reading is too painful. I just can't how a person can do that to another person. It is very difficult for me since I am in the process of bringing my fiancee to USA. I have no idea if she is a good apple or not.

It is like flipping a coin. I know they say "i love you" but do they really mean it like we do?

She always seemed to be on the same page with me about love, life, and family. She discussed with me how she wanted our children raised, to be modest, and not spoiled, and to live 'simple' as she puts it. I really do not think her original intent was to 'snag' me or deceive me. She has a business degree and had a decent job in the Philippines, so her financial prospects were/are better than many.

I think as the process moved along, she was most likely courted by her ex-boyfriend, and even as her feelings redeveloped for the boyfriend, she had gone 'too far to stop' in her mind towards the visa process.

So I think there are deceptive people that remain so, people with good intentions that become deceptive, and deceptive people that develop regret and better intentions. How can you tell the difference? Obviously I do not know.

Ai, ai, ai!

Go to the bottom of this page and find the number for ICE. Call USCIS immediately and send in a notarized affidavit that you are pulling your I-864 because the beneficiary entered into this relationship solely for immigration benefit. Send in copies/translations of those chatlogs for evidence. Then have a glass of Dom Perignon to celebrate her AOS denial.

Good luck and be strong! Don't listen to this Jesus/forgiveness nonsense.

This man's wife has a boyfriend, for eff's sake. She married him for a piece of paper. She told her boyfriend that she loves him the day after she married this USC sucker. She's going to wait for 3 years till she gets her citizenship and then ditch aforementioned sucker to petition her PI lover. You think scum like this deserves a second chance? There's a special place in hell for people like this.

Off topic but this is another train-wreck waiting to happen.

Ai, ai, ai!

Oh, not to worry---as long as I send her off, she will not get her Green Card. Still early in the AOS process, so it will be easy to prevent issuance.

I emailed you the translation. She is regreting a lot of things, missing her family, and missing her boyfriend. Her boyfriend also makes her sound like a nympho, but she's denying you so it must be just you that she doesn't like. Ditch her.

Missing home and family I fully understand and am sympathetic towards. Expressing deep love to another the day after our wedding is not excusable to me. And the denying me only started after we were married: prior to that, she engaged in physical romance almost daily, sometimes twice daily. And she enjoyed it. She asked once if I was done, and I said yes, then she said she wasn't so we continued.

Too much information, I know, but she REALLY was into nighttime romance for several months, then it just stopped. Oh well, does not really matter right now.

It is likely that she's not happy, but that it's still fraud because while she may not be happy, marrying you is a means to an end. Whether that's income for her family, bringing a new husband over once yuo're out of the picture.. who knows.

What I do know is cheating is never good. Day after the wedding is abhorrent. it is 100% clear that she only married you for the greencard. There's not other reason to be telling another person the DAY after your wedding that she loves them.

I would wait for the translations though.. might not be as bad, or could be worse, than it looks.

**Edit - what part of the process are you at? Biometrics done? EAD or AP received? How many days/weeks or months have passed since you applied? It is possible to get the GC without an interview so time is of the essence if you want to "send her home". Not to mention getting her out of the house, never being alone with her in case she tries VAWA... lots to do and I don't know how much time you have.

Well, initial translations are in---they apparently enjoy cyber sex on web cam, they both shower 'I love you's' on each other, and they were planning to enjoy sexual activity if she would make a visit in March or April. So, all in all, it is bad. I told her today, 'honey, I think we need you to return to the Philippines. I printed out the summary of the chat, the original chat, and a partial exact translation. She did not say a word, and still has not. I asked 'when are you ready to go?'.

No EAD or AP given yet, no Biometrics, no interview. Only have received the NOA so far, and of course I know the $1010 fee is nonrefundable---that could have covered a plane ticket. I am scouting airfares for travel in the next few days---the prices are not bad with 2 or 3 days notice ---running $850 to $990 about for a one-way.

And yes, I hold open the possibility for things to resolve positively, however the chances are slim to none since I will always have to wonder about trust issues. She refuses to discuss any of the issues---the withholding night time romance, the cyber sex activity---hard to resolve when a person will not talk about it. She will learn a valuable lesson, because I think she split with this guy a year ago because he impregnated another while they were dating. I am sure history will repeat itself, and maybe she will realize the opportunity for a better life she is throwing away.

And yes, I know many can be happy even if they do not have much money and have to struggle. If being around family and familiar old friends is her goal and priority, then I guess she can do well with that.

But again, a miracle could happen when there is a resolution---who knows?

send her back, she's not worth it.. Then remove ur affidavit of support, go to uscis and report it. Divorce her asap so she Cant wander around , be careful, when she goes out from ur house u dnt know she will do TNT or illegal alien, bfore it happens send her back on one way ticket.

That is the most confusing part. She was contemplating (as in crying herself to sleep every night) going home after she was only here 3 or 4 weeks. She misses her family so much and has been having a lot of difficulty adjusting. I had even priced one way tickets. So her desire to stay in this country is not all that strong. I just wish I would have caught all this before the wedding and before paying for the adjustment of status. I love her very much, but love has to go both ways

Sounds like she may have just used you to get into the U.S. If you gut insticts are telling you something is wrong listen to them there's usually a reason why... As far as tranlating them just google translator and there are many different free translator services available. There's one actually available from Google and from yahoo. I hope everything works out for you.

Bisayan/Cebuano is not a language that can be computer translated currently, especially with the IM chat slang, and the amount of english that filipinos mix in with their native languages.

Well, where to start? I met a filipina online about a year ago. She sent me a message in a chatroom for my local area where I live, so I was quite surprised she was in the Philippines. I was looking for a local woman, and had no thoughts of meeting a foreign girl.

We chatted for several days daily, for hours and hours, then it became weeks, and then a month. We really seemed to have similar life goals, and really liked one another. She is younger than I, but educated, and rather mature (so she seemed) for her age. We have 18 years separating our ages, but she is a young adult, and I consider myself an older young adult. Neither of us have children, nor have either of us been married previously. We both discussed the advantages of starting ones own family, without the complications of ex spouses and children from prior relationships.

There was a period of 10 or 12 days where I did not get any messages from her, nor was she online at all for that period of time. I realized how much I was missing this girl already, and finally managed to get ahold of her. It took 6 phones calls, but finally she answered. She said she had been working alot, and she thought I was just a guy messing around with her and not serious about a relationship with a foreign girl. I had already decided and told her I wanted to visit, but upon realizing just how much I really missed talking to her online, I planned a trip to meet her as soon as I reached her. I really missed her, and I wanted to find out if this was for real.

I visited her in the Philippines, and we really hit it off, and got along so well, and had a good time together. I asked her to marry me while there, knowing the process of bringing a fiance could/would be lengthy. I knew what I wanted, and she said she did too.

The process went smooth. She arrived here a few months ago, and we got married.

Well, things changed shortly after we married. She asked me to stop calling her 'hon' or honey, a term we had been using since we first met. She said she wanted to be addressed by her first name by me. The romantic activities stopped too. She says that she 'just doesn't want sex right now'.

Well, fast forward to yesterday, when I was getting ready to reinstall my operating system on the computer. I started to look at my files I wanted to back-up, including my chat logs. But I noticed an unfamiliar name on the list. And to my surprise, the chat logs between her and this person seem to contain a lot of 'I love you' statements.

Now the chats are 90 percent in Bisayan/Cebuano, but as always in the Philippines, enough english is used that I can tell that this is more than a simple 'love you' to a friend. The conversations begin a day after we arrived together to the US, and go up until the day after our wedding. In fact, she clearly expresses her love for him multiple times, THE VERY DAY AFTER WE TOOK OUR VOWS!!!

Well, I am sad, and angry, and confused, and really not sure what to do. My instinct is to give it a few days, lay the whole situation out for her, and then send her back to the Philippines with a one way ticket, then seek an annullment.

However, I am not sure if that is the right course. Even though I feel betrayed, she is my wife, and I should let her be part of the decision of how to move forward.

I am posting seeking two things:

First, of course, advice, opinions, and ideas.

Secondly, I am hoping someone could interpret the chat logs for me from Bisayan to English. I really think the degree of deception could play a part in how I will go forward, but to know the degree of deception, I feel I need to know what has been said in the chats: does she talk negatively about me, express regret, discuss what her intent is/was?? I have no idea. I just know the conversations are very flirtly at the least, with expressions of love for one another stated by both.

If you can help me with translation, please send me a message, and I can email a copy of the chat. I really need help and guidance here.

Thanks.