endofthetunnel

My two cents... Forget about the immigration process for a minute, can you work things out? I don't know the specifics of your problems, and we don't know your husband's side of the story either, but a divorce is something that I don't wish on anyone. If the answer is no then try to help him by going about it legally, I am sure he can still get his 10yrs GC even if divorced, others have done it by collecting all needed evidence. But as I was saying, you are married to this guy, this is not just about an immigration process, this is about putting an end to something neither one of you began thinking you will get divorced. Remember all the effort you put into bringing him here or adjusting his status? I am not trying to lecture you, but if you still have an ounce of energy to dedicate to this marriage, it will be well worth it. Talk to God, he knows your heart and is wiser than any of us here on VJ.

Good luck

I've done my praying. I did a special one this morning about how stressful this waiting is on both of us, how we for our health we would really like some decision to be made soon (human soon), about what happened in the marriage and why I concluded the marriage has to end, and as a human I can't force anything to happen and if He wants something to happen He will cause it to happen regardless of what we think we want. I was sincere and not vindictive towards the other party. Within 5 hours there was a message on the machine about scheduling the second interview.

I was thinking about being morally upright. Divorce isn't something to go into lightly... but the marriage really was not healthy and we both need to be with someone who we understand who understands us, who we don't have to change huge things about ourselves for in order to have a stable relationship. In the end we understand ourselves better and we can make better choices. As far as the immigration thing, there is morality based on his perspective, and morally based on my perspective. He thinks it is morally wrong of me not to help him after the good faith marriage. I think it is morally wrong to lie and misrepresent ourselves, under oath, to immigration. There is also the potential to make things worse if we misrepresent. It's one of those harsh choices where doing the right thing can make some trouble. I know it's short term trouble... I suppose that's what I have to remember.

So he won't impose on his friends, but it's OK to impose on you???/

Just file for divorce and have him move out and take care of himself and his affairs. It is his job to collect evidence for ROC and he will most likely be okay. Write him a letter of support (saying marriage was legit) and kick him out. He should take care of himself instead of dragging you down. Don't lie to immigration.

He's expected me to do all the collecting. Most of 2009 was...tough, at the end of the day I was just happy to have made it, but then there is another day and I would be nervous about that. Day after day. If things had been ok I would have been collecting the recommended evidences, but it was what it was and evidence was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I spent my days worried about when we would have another blow up. I wrote something about how he is just the kind of difficult person I do not know how to deal with. That extends to telling him to move out and do this himself. I remember sitting through his tirades last year. I'm not looking forward to another one.

I know he has a hard head, yet I still wonder if he would listen to an immigration lawyer. Aaaand at the same time I don't want to add to the mess by hiring a lawyer.

I found a message on the answering machine today from an immigration officer about scheduling a second interview. Officer sounded nice, and her word choice sounded positive... but that might not mean anything. It's the last 10 days or so of Ramadan and I think he is spending them at the mosque. I'm not going to use the whole ten days to think about this, but I am grateful for some free hours to think, knowing I won't be interrupted by him. Thinking about how I'm going to do this. If I am going to get a lawyer I should look now if there is an interview next week.

He would argue that the marriage was entered in good faith and if I don't do what I have to to make approval happen, then I am being unfair.

There is some truth to that, but then there is the part about misrepresentation. Hmmmm. I don't know if asking him "do the ends justify the means?"

would mean anything to him.

I am stuck living in the same house with him right now. He comes to me almost everyday and I get this constant barrage of 'help me help me, don't leave me alone in this.' And if the stress by itself isn't making him sick then he is making himself sick. I'm not an evil compassionless person that doesn't mind seeing someone upset, even though he hurt me. You know, it's all these conflicting pressures that make this so difficult.

Without proofs of financial comingling, and with us being separated but me willing to affirm it was a real marriage, can anyone give me an idea what his chances are of being approved? It has been 2 weeks since the interview and he hasn't received a denial yet. Didn't find many timelines with interviews. Is there an official term for the white paper the interviewer gave him? What are the best search terms to find cases like mine? The ones I've used haven't given me what I was looking for.

I'm not evil with zero compassion. Perhaps that's why my position is not coming across clearly. I do have some compassion for the guy's situation. But it doesn't erase the craziness of last year. I simply don't want to be near the other party in the craziness for the length of time it could potentially take. He says they don't know and I could delay filing papers...and the thought makes me want to scream or I don't know what.

I have a theory that if they learned about the separation then the lack of evidence would make more sense. If the marriage was in decent shape I would have been thinking clearly about proofs ahead of time and we would have a joint account and his car title in both our names etc. As it is, the only thing with both our names is car insurance. Opinions on that?

Some may speak of what is fair or unfair, but what about what is legal, not just lying by omission, but full out lying. And I am not a good lier. I'm sure a trained immigration person would see right through me and then there might be real trouble. It would be wrong to be too deceptive about the situation.

I guess I'm trying to find a way to explain my position to him, but in a way he can't argue about. After sending a notarized letter, what can I do to be helpful while staying true to myself?

Why would I be interested in helping him justashooter? I don't want to, I want this to all be over so I can heal, and he can go and heal... and whether he can see it or not he knows how to manipulate me. That's how my most important 'no's got ignored or pushed aside (very personal 'no's I will not speak of here). It's too much DRAMAAAAAA! Saying no leads to MORE drama, and if he sees figures out I posted this looking for advice.... more drama. So messed up. I want off this ride...

Hi,

I am so frustrated. He came here on a K1, we did AOS, applied for ROC, 3 months later I FINALLY made a decision about staying in the marriage or not. It has been rocky, 'nuff said.

Love is dead, don't want to stay in the marriage.

His family is having problems and he doesn't want to add to them by causing them to worry about if he can stay here or not. He is not sleeping well, lost a bunch of weight, complains of aches and pains etc.

The marriage was legit. ROC was applied for before I made my decision. According to the memorandum about I-751 filed before divorce, it can be treated as a waiver case.

Problem, we were called for an interview 2 weeks ago, I went with him. They didn't ask about the state of the marriage or if we were sleeping together, and I didn't offer the info. We didn't lie. But is not bringing it up ourselves considered a lie? I've been thinking about it and now I'm worried, did I lie under oath?

He was not approved or denied, the interviewer gave us a paper indicating they needed to do additional review. Is there an official name for that paper? 120 days!!! The separation is completed at the beginning of October and 120 day won't be over until last half of December! He is living in the house in a separate room, wants to come into my room and talk, uses my bathroom, leaves dirty clothes there... and he wants to know why I asked him not to? i can't stand this much longer.

He insists that I have to help him, which might mean lying - outright lying if they do a surprise visit or call us in for a second interview. Because we don't have financial proofs of comingled lives they might very well deny ROC and that wouldn't be right because it was was WAS a LEGIT marriage. He has talked to people and I get stories about how so and so's wife helped by not filing until he got his 10-year card (possibly lying/fudging under oath in the process). I'm going nuts here. He's piling on the guilt trip and any mention of me not helping him results in a lecture for me. He keeps pushing and pushing and I hate this situation. I'm getting the same kinds of feelings that pushed me away from him to begin with that I wish I had listened to sooner, and I feel stuck like I can't get myself out of the situation. Divorce would get me out of the situation.

He is just the kind of difficult person I don't know how to deal with. His logic twists around and seems so...logical but there are things about doing this the way he wants me to that just seem wrong no matter what his reasons are for wanting me to do things that way. I want to say no outright but I know him, it is not something he will accept well and sometimes it seems that he's not mentally stable. He has 2 brothers that are unstable in different ways and maybe it's insulting but sometimes I wonder if there is something genetic.

I feel manipulated. First it was 'give me 20 days to change your mind' then it was 'i don't have enough money to rent somewhere and I don't want to impose on my friends' then the interview date came and no decision on the case and now it's about keeping this address so it looks more like we're living together.

He has suggested renting a place together but I don't actually live there, make joint bank account, get my name added to his on the car title...all this to create proof and give the impression that everything is just fine.

I wish I could give him things he can't argue against. I don't hate him, but I don't want to be anywhere near this person that made me feel so bad I was hitting myself trying to deal with the emotions.

ideas what do I do, is it really ok to pretend everything is fine right now to help him get the card because the marriage was legit? Everything in me screams no, and his guilt tripping words say that I'm being mean and thoughtless and all these things that he doesn't deserve.