fine_print

I hope I didn't leave that impression. In the OP's situation, it sounds like his wife does have issues that he recognizes (craves attention and will go to extremes to get it). That's pretty serious. I don't claim to be a psychologist, but that kind of behavior can destroy a relationship and in his case it did. All of us have 'issues', but it's a question as to whether we let those 'issues' come out in the form of behavior that is destructive to the relationship. It sounds like he recognizes it for what it is, senses that she's got a long road to recovery even if she is sincere and he's not willing to wait for her to get to where they can have a healthy relationship. At some point you have to take care of your own emotions. There's no point in rescuing someone from drowning if you both drown in the process.

amen to that

+1

Steven, I couldn't have said better! Your last post is pure gold!

it's when the past is used to try and excuse one's behaviour that it becomes an "issue". hope this made some sort of sense.

It does make sense to me.

I totally undertand that position. I was married to a woman for 15 years who had been severely abused as a child. I was only 18 when we began dating - very naive and optimistic, thinking that I'd be the ONE person who'd stand by her as she dealt with her issues. I finally had to walk away from that hurricane...it nearly destroyed me. I learned the hard way that you can't save somebody from themselves.

Exactly. My wife has experienced some traumas in the past, as a child as well as during her teen years. Not from her family, but still... However, she is an exceptionally strong person and I think she had minimal damage... until now.

I am reevaluating her behavior during our time together and, with the tremendous amount of information I have gathered during the last few years (both related and unrelated to her case), I am almost completely convinced that past traumas haunt or, at least, change even the strongest people.

But as I said, I'm no psychiatrist. However, considering the kind of issues she's having, I'm seriously thinking of advising her to seek hypnotherapy.

Yeah, you may say I still care a bit about her. That's true. However, I'm trying to be wise and not get involved in those internal problems of her I can't affect anyway. In other words, I'm trying not to make her problems my own. As I have seen, the only right thing to do that -- with this particular girl -- is to leave her for good. I'm just an accessory for her.

She obviously has some issues and I don't blame you wanting to cut and run. However, if she is sincere and you both love each other, you should at least seek marriage counseling before going through a divorce. People can change their destructive behavior, but again if you just don't want to drag yourself through anymore emotional turmoil, I don't blame you.

Thank you all for your responses. Below are some clarifications from me.

rclouse, she works two jobs and attends school, and I don't believe she would care much to find time for counseling anyway.

Just want to point out that she obviously made time to be flirting with these other guys online so I'm sure she could make the time for counseling if she really is sorry and loves you.

After I found out this week about her flirting, she indeed asked me to seek counseling together. Although I had thought about it before, my reply was "No." We never mentioned counseling or couples therapy in the past though.

Yes, she says she's sorry and that she still loves me. But I'm neither in love, nor interested in having to do with her anymore. I just need to cut my ties with her. It's her who needs therapy (this is not a derogatory thing to say, lots of good people need therapy to resolve inner issues). And I'm neither willing nor trained to become her psychiatrist.

Thanks guys for the kind words and support. I owe you one, again!

Consider what I wrote as a real-life example. In other words, I thought to remind you that such things do happen and to let you know that someone, somewhere, has experienced such events and how he dealt with them.

I will keep you posted. However, I feel sorry for "spoiling the fun" (in lack of better words), because I know what this board is about: to help us all through the long and windy road of joining our loved ones in the US. That was the case with me.

But I want to remind you all of an essential fact of life: when you leave everyone and everything to go someplace else to live with someone else, you are about to experience a lot of drastic changes, both in your own lives and in your life together.

So be prepared for everything, as much as you can. Be honest to yourself first and foremost. LOVE yourself; if you don't, you won't deserve honesty and love from the other people. At the same time, you won't deserve anything from others if you're not honest (at the very least) with them.

Take heart, my friends. Ultimately, the only person that matters the most to you is you.

Well, that sucks..

Im sorry to hear things worked out this way for you - I hope the rest of your life has a happier path tho.

I'm curious tho - I guess from what you wrote she offered no explanation for her behaviour..was she sorry? Or just sorry she got caught?

I ask this because I know sometimes we need closure on these subjects and to know why; that and I'm nosy, and you offered

I had a happy life before (and for some time with) her, so I know that one cheater cannot end my world... or should I say, the second. I have been cheated on before, by a girlfriend. She didn't even try to make up for that, so I NEXT-ed her. I had told my wife about that; I also had made clear to her that, if she ever cheated on me, it would be the very end between us.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why she doesn't insist on making things right. She did try to change my mind by swearing that she would change completely. But I made it clear to her: I'm not interested in her anymore.

The events happened during these last few days. So it's still early to say how things will precipitate.

Onto your question, Jaylen. The fact is, I didn't ask for, nor would quite listen to, any explanation from her. She tried to, but her explanations were so poorly constructed I didn't even allow her to talk to me anymore. Instead, I (basically) told her that I know that part of the guilt rests on me... but also that I knew that, whatever I may have (not) done, I didn't deserve this.

I assure you, the proof is factual. She might explain, but it won't change much.

Yes, she was (and still is) sorry. I'm not sure if it's just because she knows that she has lost me for good, or also because of guilt, shame, whatever.

She said she loves me and I replied: "Such a funny, sick and perverse kind of love you have there!"

Basically, I'm next-ing her because she hasn't been faithful. I'm not the jealous type, far from that. I just don't need a cheater in my life, a person that fantasizes (among other things) to spend nights with other guys while on vacation with me, in the country we both came from... and she vividly professed those fantasies to the very guys she planned to cheat me with. This is just one actual example.

Basically, this girl is an "attention wh***" (sorry, I can't find a better word). I just hadn't realized that attention from other people is so very important to her...

Hello all, I'm back. This time, my decision to divorce her is final. The reason: she (sort of) cheated on me with guys over the Internet, while at the same time giving me the cold shoulder, if you know what I mean. The funny thing is, they're from the same country and city I'm from.

When I found out, I went straight to her family's house and showed the unquestionable evidence to her brother. I guess her parents know too. I'll go back to Albania as soon as I can.

Now, maybe it would be interesting to know WHY she did that -- several times, with several people and for quite some months. Well, I didn't ask her. I guess I already know the answer: when I moved here, I left everyone and everything there. By doing so, I automatically lowered my value in her eyes; she knew that she "had" me, so her attraction and respect towards me declined. Also, I became dependent on her on many ways; I guess many of you are probably well-aware of the dependencies dictated by my (and many others') situation as a newcomer in America. Apparently, this didn't help too.

It has been said that, more often than not, it's the man that throws the girl into other men's arms. I did what I could, though. Maybe not my very best, but I really tried.

If you have any question, feel free to ask. Maybe I won't answer to some of them. That doesn't necessarily mean I won't answer to any.

Thanks for reading this. I'm not trying to bother you. Remember, I'm just sharing my own experience.

water in algeria happens every other day lol

What would you say about Albania, in most parts of which there's water only 2-3 times a day, for about 1-3 hours each... Now that's what I call "rush hour"!

Thank you all for your responses. Below are some clarifications from me.

So how can one do this if one has not got a lot of money or no job at all??

Janice

I don't have a lot of money, but I do have a part-time job. And besides, my (blood-related) family is behind me 200% percent and have assured me they will help me in every way possible, even financially.

If you just want a clean divorce without contesting her assets and so forth, I suspect your wife would be very willing to go through it and even pay for it.

I hope so. All I want from her is her signature on the divorce papers; nothing more, nothing less.

Thanks, pax, for the CCC info. My problem is that, although I do write and read English quite well, I find it hard to understand spoken (American) English. Strange, I know, but true.

diadromous mermaid, thanks for the link. I read it and was a bit relieved to find out that the fee is about $65. Anyway, I'm willing to pay even more; if not for anything else, to find peace and get time to heal.

rclouse, she works two jobs and attends school, and I don't believe she would care much to find time for counseling anyway.

Thank you, Michelle, for the kind words; I need them too.

Thanks to everyone else for their insight, wishes and encouragement. I will keep you posted.

Hello everyone!

I visited VJ several times in the past while I was in the CR1 process. The support and information here is tremendously great, and I'm really thankful to you all.

I don't know if this question has been answered here before; the search results are overwhelming. So I'm just going to ask it anyway.

How can I file for divorce and have it made final as soon as possible, hopefully not in a expensive way?

Here's my case. I am the foreign spouse and came here through a DCF/CR1 process. Since we were married for less than two years when I got the visa, the GC is conditional and valid for 2 years. During the recent months, me and my wife (the USC) haven't gotten along very well... in fact, we're getting along badly, to the point when both of us have said very mean things to each other and mentioned divorce several times.

I am seriously considering divorce and heading back to my home country, where I can at least be in emotional peace and get on with my life. The only reason I came to the US was to live with the girl I loved (and which I still do); nothing holds me here if I lose her.

I'm not saying that I will go ahead and divorce my wife first thing in the morning. I'm simply stating that I want to know what divorce is really about, in legal and financial terms. My wife makes good money, but I work a part-time job and earn barely enough to pay our apartment's rent (yes, money is one of the issues between us), so I don't think marriage counseling or expensive divorce attorneys are viable options for me.

Someone I know has told me that divorce procedures are fastest and least painful when both spouses agree to it; I think my wife will agree to file divorce together. We live in Michigan. Also, I need to know if it's possible to get divorced in my home country, where we got married; this option might be cheaper and my family can help me there. Any ideas?

Maybe I sound calculated and cold-hearted. Maybe that's what I'm trying to be through all of this. It doesn't mean I don't deserve better than humilation, loneliness, pain and madness... because I strongly believe I do.

Thanks for everything, guys. You rock!