kharkovpoacher

One can never have enough guns. Luckily, I have three sons who all hunt and shoot. I'm forever buying something for them. Also, my Veka wants a handgun for her at home. All of mine are for men. She likes my sister's .32 and my ex's 9mm. I still have to post the pictures of Veka at the range with all of the "black guns." She told me that she was now "Spetsnaz." I had to explain to the others what spetsnaz was. They got a kick out of it. I might just start Veka out with a .22. She has shot my Victor .22 but she said it was too heavy for her.

What guns do other wives here like?

Lohninck, I'm glad to know I'm still in your dreams. Yeah baby.LOL. It had to have been me. I'm still killing stuff. Our four month long deer season ended on Jan. 1st. Ducks and geese are still in for two more weeks. Last Saturday we had a good shoot. Not great, but good. Three of us killed 10 ducks and 2 geese. Before I left, the smokinthotkova told me to take care of myself. It was cold that morning, about 20 degrees. OK, cold for us southerners. Anyway, we rode the four wheelers about a mile, then had to walk about 500 yards to the back end of a small lake. It was dark, my face was cold from the wind on the four wheeler. I tore my face up in the dark on a greenbrier vine. My face was cold enough it didn't hurt bad, but once it got light my buddies said it did not look too good. We hunted and then got out of there. When I got back to my truck I looked in the mirror. UhOh. My ear was covered in blood, I had two gashes on my check about 6 inches long and two smaller ones, all covered in dried blood. They never hurt because of the cold. I drove home and Veka came out of the house to say hello to my friends and to see what we shot. Boy, did I get an earful. "I told you to take care, what is this on your face." I tried to explain to her that a bear did it. I had her believing that for about 10 seconds, then she saw me laughing. Then I told her the truth. Then she opened my truck and produced a flashlight. Yes, dear, I did not take it with me, I left it in the truck. I'm an idiot. I liked the bear story over losing to the briars.

I got an RFE on her AOS last week. I did not send last years taxes. I sent the 07 and 08, but not 09. I printed that out and sent it to them yesterday. Biometrics are done and hopefully EAD will come in the mail soon. We have started on her resume' already and hope to have that finished this weekend.

I made the smokinhotkova happy this morning. My boss called me and told me that they are sending me and Veka to the US Virgin Islands for a week at the end of March. Bikini shopping time. Sucks to be me. I have told my boss that Veka can't leave US territory until she has her greencard, that is why we are Virgin Island people and not Dominican, Cozumel, Cancun, Caymans, etc. Hopefully she will have her greencard by then, but it is not needed for this trip.

This is where it starts. First the mini-skirts. Darn them. The next thing would be the sundresses with the low neck line. Then the death blow. Outlawing the high-heeled boots. That would just kill the MOB business.LOL. I do think the women, under age 40 would revolt. I just described 80% of their wardrobe.

My best incident with a ladder was in Nashville, TN about 6 years ago. I was following a customer to another one of his quarries. He drives a big pickup like me, so hard to see around him. We had 4 or 5 lanes going in our direction. All of a sudden my customer swerved in front of me. There was an extension ladder laying at an angle in my lane. I had a tractor trailer to my right and a work van to my left. No where to go but jam on brake hard and wonder if my sphincter would ever be the same. I hit that ladder doing about 60, not much time to slow down. When it came out from under my truck it went about 4 feet in the air. A Dodge Ram behind me took it across his grill. I can still picture that in my rear view mirror. Sucked to be him. I can't believe I did not blow out any tires. I hit that ladder hard. My customer called me to see if I was okay, "Yes, but a little more warning that it was there sure would have been nice."

I average driving about 80,000 miles a year. I cover seven states. This reminds me. I need to go ahead and tell Veka, never swerve, just plow through what is there. Swerving will only collect other people or cause you to lose control. Tearing up a grill or blowing out a tire is not as bad a hitting a ditch and rolling a vehicle. How do I translate into Russki, hit brakes hard but not too hard, tighten sphincter, ride it out,look for clean drawers. I run over my fair share of live and formerly living animals, lumber, trash, furniture, and god knows what else. I have had a few blowouts over the years. Most of my deer hits have been not too bad, I've been able to slow down and luckily clip them, but I hit one big buck doing 75 dead center with a three week old truck. $8,000 worth of damage. It destroyed my entire front. That one sucked.

Slim, I've always heard you like hitting people in the #######.LOL.

I have been in TN all week on business. The smokinhotkova has been calling me about 8 times a day telling me she has arrived somewhere without breaking car and then asking me for address of the next place she has to go. She would be lost without her GPS. I have to look up on my phone the address of where she wants to go. One time this week, her GPS gave her bad info, I think, but I caught grief. It took her an extra 10 minutes to find a store. I can just imagine "babushka" stopped in traffic looking around and trying to read signs. It somehow became my fault that she did not drive right up to it.LOL.

I will share the smokinhotkova's first 4 wheeler adventure sometime this weekend. As usual, I caught grief for this one too. Once again, funny.

Brad, I have avoided the stinky fish thing up until now. Her friend Inna told her about an international food store. We went there and we found red caviar from Kamchatka for $11 for 5 ounces and "salutka." I hope I said that right. I did put my foot down on the stinky fish. Once opened, it would be placed in a ziploc freezer bag, sealed. I have read too many times about you talking of the plates of salutka sitting around the house. The dried, stinky fish made my Veka excited. So far, so good with it for me.

I did have to eat some carp over in Kharkov. It was the whole fish, minus guts, served cold. NASTY. Oh yes, after I choked down the first bit I was dancing and some son of a beach slipped more onto my plate. To this day if I find that Russki, the cold war is back on. Luckily, there was enough pivo and shots for me to survive round 2 with no hurling of chunks.

As for Atlanta traffic. I have to go in, around, or through the ATL about once a month. What a nightmare. I want to find the guy whose job it is to drive around and throw ladders and mattresses out on the interstate. That guy never takes a day off and he is very proficient at his job. Everyone in the ATL must be sleeping on the floor, because all mattresses are on interstates 85, 20, 75, 285, or Ga.400. It must be a social program to give the homeless(aka.urban outdoorsmen) a place to sleep. I am not sure what the reason for ladders is, but there must be a reason for that too.

About the car and Veka's driving. She does not drive badly, but she drives like "babushka." That is a good thing. If it is a 45, she might crack the speedometer at 42. When she follows me on the interstate, I have to do less then the posted for her to stay in sight. When she arrived here, we got her a learners permit. I paid for her to have 6 hours with a professional driving instructor. I wanted to keep our marriage alive so I thought a professional would be better to teach her. I also let her drive my truck on some rural roads and to a from the beach. I figured if she could drive my Ram 2500 megacab diesel, she could operate the much smaller KIA. Also, I told her, anything you ever picked up in Ukraine about driving, forget it. Here in America the lines and signs do mean something, they are not suggestions. We drive much nicer here, not the combat driving in Ukraine. It did take us a while for her to finally get her license. The NC DMV would not issue her a license until she received either her EAD or green card. I fought them on this and gave them copies of marriage license, NOA1s for EAD and adjustment of status and explained to them the K1 process. It took a month and they finally issued a drivers license valid for 6 months, to be renewed with a green card.

I explained to the all knowing Veka about taking baby steps, etc. As you can guess that lasted about 2 weeks. I was out of town on business and the queen "had" to drive 25 minutes away to see her friend Inna. I get a phone call from Veka, she is all excited, she made it to Inna's house safely. #######, what happened to baby steps. I was a little perturbed, but not a lot. 30 minutes later Veka calls me to tell me they are going to Crabtree Mall in Raleigh. Whoaaaaa....... I told Veka to have Inna drive Inna's car. Crabtree is a huge mall and tons of traffic. I repeated that a few times then the line went dead. How convenient, but Veka was a smart women, she would listen. Yeah right. I'm at a restaurant eating dinner about 45 minutes later and my phone rings. It is Veka. "I break car." What, she explains to me that she was at the mall trying to park, and she traded paint with another vehicle. Uhoh. "Where are you now?" She was taking Inna back home. I was a little more then hot under the colar. Here I was 5 hours from home and she is not listening to me. I am not advocating this, but she panicked and got out of there. Anyway, her "malappropriation misadjustment of vehicular movement" was my fault for two reasons. First, I jinxed her by telling her not to go to the mall, it was too crowded and she would have an accident. Second, I did not teach her how to park. Silly me, it is my fault she hit a stationary object. She was the only thing moving. I got home a few days later. She had one little dent on the fender well and some paint scuffs. Am I fixing her car. NO. I'm leaving it as a reminder that her "villager" might be right on occasion. I have taken her to Wallyworld and had her park about 20 times. She used to complain about me parking my truck a long ways from the entrances to shopping places. My truck is 18 inches longer then a regular crew cab. I like to cover two spaces, front to back, because of length. Now Veka looks for about 6 open spaces and tries to fit into one of them. She has no problem walking a little longer now when she drives.

Go ahead guys, y'all can slam me. I did not advocate Veka driving off. I was a long ways from there and she panicked and had already left. What is done is done. I just hope that she learned her lesson. Once she starts working, she is paying to get her machina fixed. A little life lesson for her. She does look at her handiwork and cusses when she goes to her car. If you are ever around Raleigh watch out for the blonde babushka. LOL.

My smokinhotkova does now have a new plan since the "incident." Whenever she goes somewhere she calls me before leaving and upon arrival. She actually just called me while typing this, she made it to the gym. It gives her confidence and I tell her what roads to take at what time of day. In 2 hours she will call me before leaving for home to give her support. I think the driving might be the hardest part for us RUB guys.

Gary, oh the car. I bought Veka a new KIA. Not too expensive, but new, nice, 100,000 mile warranty. It gets vacuumed, wiped down, washed, pampered, and I am lucky to even to get a ride in it. It is Veka's machina. When I offer to fill it up for her, no, I will move the seat or change the mirrors. She will take my credit card and go fill it up. It is a new thing for her. Since she has gotten her license, she sometimes will follow me and drive her car "for practice." I am from village and there is always a four wheeler in the back, blood running down the tailgate and bumper of my truck. The inside gets cleaned once a month. The outside only gets washed when it rains. It is for work and I am in mines and road construction sites everyday. It would only stay clean for about a day. I am still allowed to wear my shoes in Veka's car. I'm just waiting for her to give me slippers to put on. That would be the ultimate Russki joke.

Easy, oh yes your time is coming.LOL. Just when you think you have gotten to the end, oh no, she will come up with something else. It is for the better though. Yes, I have 26 animals all jammed into my office. The "room of dead." However, the rest of my house is awesome. It is immaculate. Trust me, if I put something down, it either goes to its place or I am reminded of its place within a minute. Not hen pecking, just very orderly. If you look in my cabinets, pantry, laundry room, you would be amazed. Everything is perfectly aligned, like military aircraft on a flightline.

Brad, oh the house. I told her when she got here, to make it her own. OOPS. Just kidding. It is definitely hers now. I can't tell you how many hours I have been in Pier 1, Target, Kohls, Bed Bath and Beyond, just following the queen around carrying her knicknacks. Luckily, I think we have gotten close to the end of this. The inside of the house is her domain and if I even try to clean a dish or something else, I am quickly moved out of the way. No problem, have at it my queen. The only thing that she does not touch is my office. "The room of dead." You could perform surgery anywhere else in my house though. I lied. I have one walk in closet filled full of hunting gear and ammo and another filled with fishing gear. She will open those, shake her head, mumble something in Russki, and close the door. I have organized them for her, but it still fails the "inspection." I tell her "close the door and you and no one else will see it." I am "villager" again.LOL.

I do have to say, none of this is a surprise to me. When I lived with her in Kharkov, her apartment was the same way. I knew what I was getting into. Luckily, I do have my things that are allowed to be "dirty." She has changed a lot of things in my life for the better. I am just poking fun at myself and adjustments that both of us have had to make.

Brad, when you have eliminated the little rodents, just tell Veka "they must have moved to a nice farm in the country."LOL. Luckily I do not have the problem regarding death with my Veka. She did however make me move all ducks, geese, swans, deer, boar to my office. She says it was not nice to have dead animals and hides all over the house. "But my queen, this is how we villagers live." I held my ground on that one for about maybe 30 seconds. Y'all would have been proud of me standing my ground on that one.NOT.

My favorite new word in the English language is "maybe." Like Brad, my Veka remembers everything. "You promise me three weeks ago (insert whatever task or item). First, I never promised, but I said "yeah" meaning that was possible, like in the next year. Second, yes, means right now or yesterday according to her. Now, I just say maybe to everything. I just can't be locked down to anything anymore. One would think it would not have taken me five months to figure that one out.

Gary, I'm glad that you like "smokinhotkova." Yes, I am a shallow person. It is just that when I went to Ukraine waving my American dollars around, the pretty girls ran faster to me then the ugly ones.LOL.

"You live in village." Yes, Raleigh is a village. I live just outside a suburb of Raleigh. In a subdivision, less then a five minute drive to WallyWorld, Lowes, Target, etc. No marshrutka, metro, taxi, etc. I do goose hunt and deer hunt on the cattle farmers property adjacent to the subdivision. One day Veka was on Skype to her mother. My 13 year old son came in the house with his bow after deer hunting in the morning. Veka, her mother, and my son then had a long conversation about him going "in the woods in the dark. Doesn't he know that there are wild animals there. Was he not afraid. He knew there were animals in the woods, that was the point of going." The whole conversation baffled her mother as to why and my son was amused. This was in September. After a few months of deer, ducks, and geese in the back of my truck, I am definitely a villager. One day Veka did call me on my phone when we were hunting geese by the house. She was watching TV and heard a big flock fly over. She stepped out on the porch to watch. It was two of my sons and a neighbor. We dropped about 8 or 9 out of that flock. Was she impressed with her "villagers" calling, no, shooting, no. She wanted to go to dinner, I needed to get home and take shower. No, it was not the shower before "seks."

Veka does like the gun range. I will have to tell the story of "spetsnaz" later. I will have to include a picture or two. The rednecks were impressed.

This past August, Vekas second weekend "in country" a big group of us headed to Lake Gaston for a weekend. My parents have a house there, my ex-wifes brother has a house along with another good friend, all within 2 miles. We had a crowd of people including my ex-wife, her new husband, my three sons, ex brother-in-laws with their families. First story. Friday night after eating dinner on the way there. Only needed massive amounts of pivo to survive "nature." Veka and my sons get out of the truck. It is right at dusk but Veka wants to go exploring to the water. Only about 40 yards to the boathouse. It did not take but a minute and her favorite English curse came. "freakin' animals!!!" She comes back to me house all distraught. She walk by a bush and was swarmed and bit by some insect. The bites all over her legs looked like mosquito bites on 'roids. She probably got 10 on each leg. First, I have been going there for 40 years and never had this happen. Second, I think she had a worse then normal reaction. Third, I think it is all of the lotion, oils, ointments, etc. that smells so good to me that attracted them. She was visibly upset. She wanted to go back to Raleigh then and there. I know the crowd was like "we are in for a long weekend." Lastly, why did she not go down the gravel path to the water. The mystery question.

The next morning, we all wake up, make our grocery list, me, Veka, my ex, and her husband go to the grocery store. Let me tell you, there is one grocery store on a 20 miles plus long lake. On a Saturday morning it would have rivaled any WallyWorld for the "trash" that was shopping. Of course, Veka was dressed for battle the way a Russian woman attacks the world. High heels, mini-skirt, tight fitting top holding back her weaponry. It was a little chaotic in there and I think Veka caused a few cart accidents with the rubberneckers. Finally, we have two carts loaded with pivo and a can of bug spray for the queen. Essentials for the lake. We are waiting in line and Veka makes an astute observation. "How come no one in America dresses nice like me, bad pants, no shoes? At first I thought this was a cheap jab at my ex, but she was dressed casually but nicely. I glanced around and I noticed that it was elastic waistband city, no offense Brad. It was sweat pants, wife beaters, crocs, all that Walmart had to offer. Of course she was not quiet with her question and I have a loud deep voice. Without trying to hide it, I responded "in America most people don't care about their appearance, especially at the lake. Also, look, the women have too many Kilos to wear nice heels like you, they would break them." My ex and her husband fell out laughing, a spinkling of others waiting in line laughed too. The cons definitely outweighed the pros, (no pun intended)about ten people from the trailer trash personal including two cashiers just stopped and gave us that look. What did I do then, I walked over and gave my smokinhotkova a kiss on the cheek and called her "my queen" in Russian. Finally, checkout time. I was watching the "buffet killer" closely. I figured after my comments and her stare of dis-content for my comments she would scan each item two or three times. Meanwhile "my queen" was rearranging everything the bag boy was putting in the cart. We found a way to annoy him too. At least he got good cleavage shots for his trouble.

My oldest son was tasked with teaching Veka how to drive the jet ski. Of course, this was her first time in life driving anything with an engine. Also, she knew everything. My 14 year old wanted to kill me. I just wanted to drink a beer in peace and quiet, with my ex. That is peace and quiet.LOL. They survived, barely according to my son. I think that is where he got his first grey hair. He gave me my first ones, it is only right that I am responsible for his. Then it came to skiing. We had four boats up there, but I have the mac-daddy. A MaterCraft ski boat. It is fast, powerful, a corvette of boats. After about two hours of skiing I noticed my queen pouting. She wanted to drive. Okay, well any gray hair that I had fell out. She had one speed, full throttle. It took me a while to get her driving sanely with a skier behind her. Of course we had to have the obligatory Russki photo-op of her driving the boat.

The last incident that happened was late that night. Pivo was on ice, music going, fishing lines in the water. There were probably 15 to 20 of us on the dock. Crowded, but manageable. My youngest son caught about a 3lb. catfish, showed everyone, then proceeded to chuck it in the water. The Russki looked like Bryan Urlacher trying to get in the backfield. She came out of her chair up near land, knocking the table, bouncing off of my nieces, hitting a couple other peoples chairs causing spillage of adult beverages. Upon her arrival at the end of the pier, can't believe she didn't go in, or anyone else for that matter, she proceded to start spitting and sputtering in English, Russian, maybe Chinese, about the fish that was thrown away. She was appalled that we would "waste" a good fish like that. I tried my best to explain to her, that we were fishing for fun, not the oven. I got the look from people that I needed to "reel in the Russki." After about three more smaller catfish were caught and released, she could not stand it anymore. She said something under her breath and went up to the house. I know she did not say "Dobry nacht." I told everyone she is fine. She probably was sharpening the fillet knife.LOL. For my eggs. Only those married to a Russki will understand that.

Luckily, after the first impressions of that weekend, Veka has really settled in, calmed down, relaxed, and has become friends with all of my friends, too and including my ex. I've got many other funny instances from the past 5 months. Later dates on those though.

Lastly, Brad, when we were in Louisville drinking(I was drinking) and gambling, my Veka and my ex were at Wrightsville Beach together. My ex called me and said that she would be Vekas wingman anytime. I'm thinking she was referring to the attention and drinks that were coming their way. When guys would bring drinks over Veka would speak nothing but Russian, my ex would just nod her head and say one of the three words of Parusski that she knew. I heard it was funny, the guys did not know what to do, they would stand there like knots on a log for a minute and then walk away. Classic.

I never swam in the Dnipro in Kyiv, saw thousands a day do it though. I have swam in a river near Kharkov and a lake in Kharkov. Definitely not crystal clear, but then again I was a jarhead and have been in some questionable looking waters in Asia and central America. The waters in Ukraine definetely were much cleaner and did not smell like those of some I've had the fortune of being in.

Side note: Topsail Island, NC. Veka loves the beach and ocean. We were out swimming about 100 yards from shore and then she asked about sharks. "Yes we have them here." That got her attention. "Do they bite?" "Yes dear, how else could they eat." On subsequent trips to the beach I then had to swim with her when she wanted to go out far. I guess to cut her chances of being eaten in half. She doesn't really want to know what is out there and I won't tell her. Also, at the lakes around Raleigh she has never complained about them not being clean enough, she just jumps in.

I can only tell you of my experience in NC. First, we were able to open a joint account once Veka received her SSN. Now, for the drivers license. She was able to receive her learners permit a few weeks after she arrived. The expiration date on that was the date when Veka's I-94 expired. We did a K1. The state of North Carolina would not let her get a drivers license without her green card or EAD. They wanted to see something with an expiration date. After talking to a few people, I explained that she was still in legal status, just pending AOS. They then asked for her I-797's NOA1s for AOS and EAD. Also needed a copy of our marriage liscense. They then took the copies and reviewed them. This took two weeks. Eventually decided that Veka was just waiting on ducuments, was her legally, was doing things correctly, etc. They let her take her driving test, she passed. Here is the only stipulation. The expiration date on her license was 6 months out. They said once she received her EAD or green card, just come back and renew her license. NC will only give an expiration date on a license that matches an expiration date on an immigration document from Homeland Security. It was a hassle, but worth it, to explain about the K1 being in a grey area while we were adjusting status. I have a friend in KY that had a similar experience with his wife. I know each state is different, but I hope this helps. Good luck.

Paul and Vanessa, we have not forgotten about you. That still sucks that y'all are waiting for the interview. You can see the finish line now. At least that is good. I hope everything goes smoothly the rest of your journey. Just count the days. The midget and donkey can make the time pass faster.

Lohninck, Leslie, Cdnangel, Solmarc, UK, come up for air. I will get back to posting more of Veka's antics soon. It is always entertaining living with her. Trust me.

Congradulations on your engagement. You while now learn what a frustrating process this is. It sucks. The end result is great though. May your petition be speedy. Good luck.

Happy New Year to all of us. I hope everyone has a great one. Veka tells me I do. LOL.

Since the snow and ice storm started yesterday here in NC, all Veka does is just stare through the window. If it doesn't warm up here soon I may have to let her in.

I guess this group is falling apart. Except for the unfortunate one, we are all busy with our new spouses. That includes me. If I have the time and can think of an appropriate name for us deviants, I will start a thread over in the AOS forums. We are not just a random group.

On Saturday, Veka received her biometrics appointment letter for Jan. 31. Luckily for us the local USCIS office takes walk-in appointments. We walked in with her appointment letter and were able to do it. Now, here is where I got in trouble for the next two years. I told Veka that it was just fingerprinting. Oh, was I so wrong. We went in the morning and I did not give her time to put on her "war paint" and dress to the hilt. I wanted to get over there and done before the ice hit. Well, after the fingerprints the also take your picture, the one to be used on her green card. Personally Veka is always a smokinhotkova, but she said that she looked liked "sh!t." Now for the next two years she will have a green card with a bad picture of her. Somehow it is my fault, as always. I did crack up everyone in the biometrics area when they said she could not come back and take another picture, after she put on her war paint. She said a few cuss words in Russian, directed at me of course. I told everyone there she just said "I love you." Laughter filled the room, because it was obvious to everyone that she was not pleased with her green card photo. Looks like I'm back to "touching myself."

Now taking suggestions for our new thread name for AOS.

1. Deviant society

2. Pole dancers

3. Good touches (I know that one is weak)

4. Midget and donkey

5. Thong and beer group

Just a couple I thought of.

I found online the state of Washington has a study guide in Russian. I know each state is a little different, but not that much as for the rules. In North Carolina Veka was able to take her test in Russian, but there was no study guides in Russian.

Same as Brad. I have used kievrent.net for 5 years when staying in Kyiv. I have recommended them to many friends and they have not disappointed anyone. They have a varied list of apartments. Good luck and have fun there. This is my first time in 5 years I have not been there for New Years. I'm not missing the cold. I don't think my Veka would like me leaving her here while I chased snow bunnies over there.

Vanessa, if you have been here long enough, you know I can't let this one go by without my juvenile comments. Where do I start. Hmmm, Valentines day with poking and prodding. Sounds like a dream date for most of us. Post pictures please. Be professional. Not everyone is white trash, just me. Make sure they give you a few drinks, candlelight, dinner, before you get naked. My standards are not that high, but I assume yours are. If the DOC is less then 4' and the nurse mysteriously looks like a donkey, RUNNNNNN. That can't be good. Solmarc and Lohninck lost track of them a while ago. I think Lohninck ran out of beer and Solmarc cut them off. Veka ran them off. They drank all of the vodka and snored too loud. I miss them, so does some of the rest of us. By the way, you will be getting plenty of "touches" that day, just the wrong ones. I think Leslie has turned them on to Canucks with her box play. It is BS that you still are waiting. I feel for you. I would be freezing my ####### of in Kharkov if this was my situation. Hey my demented friends, let's support the last couple in waiting.

Darn, we have gotten so lame here. We need more debauchery. I'm at fault too. Work, hunting, and the tall bonde Russkie have been taking up my time.

Lohninck, the thong should be 30 inch waist with a large holding tank up front. Don't worry, I will put a sock in there to fill it up.

I wish a happy Thanksgiving to the Feb. filer group. The first holiday for new spouses. I hope that it goes well for all of us. There are land mines to step around. Aunt Sarah's green been casaroul, grandma's fruit cake, sweet potatoes with melted marshmellows, NFL football, the backyard football game, that one uncle who insists on unbuttoning his pants at the table so he can keep eating, the weird cousin who can't have an intelligent conversation about anything, the crazy people at the shopping centers, and the aunt that gives very uncomfortable hugs. Welcome to America, the land of the dysfunctional.LOL. I hope our significant others don't leave us after this experience.

I've already laid out the whole long weekend for Veka. "I'm watching college football and hunting. Here's money, go shopping." That is basically the plan except the mandatory dinner with the family. It is hunting season. As long as I promise her more jerky. By the way, she killed that big bag quickly. I hope that she survives the shopping on Friday. I will be at hunt camp.

Lohninck, for Christmas I will take a new leopard skin thong. My last one got too stretched out. I will leave on that note.

Solmarc, we take the meat and slice it into thin small pieces. I then marinate mine for two or three days in soy sauce, liquid smoke, brown sugar, garlic salt, and cayenne pepper. Then I put it in a smoker for about 6 hours on low heat. Jerky one can buy in a store is tough and chewy. I make mine to where it falls apart in your mouth. That is also the way my hunting buddies make it. Everyone has their own recipe for the marinate sauce. Usually when I break out a bag of it, it does not last long. No, I don't use roadkill possum. Maybe I'll try that.LOL.

Latest Veka story. Last Saturday, me being the redneck that I am I went duck hunting. A very good hunt. One of my buddies had made a jerky with some of the deer we have killed this year. I came home from the duck hunt with a gallon size bag of jerky. I went in the house and offered Veka some jerky. She asked what is it? I told her it was venison jerky from a deer we shot the week before. She proceeded to turn her nose up at the idea and said "nyet." Okay I thought. Well Sunday morning I'm in my office working on my computer. She calls my name. I turn around and she is standing in the door holding the bag of jerky. This how the conversation went. "You not eat anymore of this. It is for me. It is good with beer. It is too spicy. This is for me." I thought what the h@ll. First, yesterday you acted like I offered you human meat. Today, you complain that it is too spicy but you tell me twice I can't have any. Third, get out of my beer, it is a little early in the morning for that. Oh, I forgot, one doesn't have to wait for 12 if amongst friends or eating. Fourth, it is a huge bag, plenty for both of us. I am turning her into a redneck, a "Russian redneck." This weekend I am sure she will be happy when I go deer hunting and start making jerky for her. What a life I lead. To keep her from eating it all I will have to make my batch especially spicy. I am sure that when I get home Friday, I will have no jerky left. I hope she leaves me a beer though.

Lohninck, my handsome face could get that uterus to open. Yeah baby, I'm the man. By the way, you are a good yankee. You figured out I-95 is not a one way street. It does have northbound lanes. I just had to pick on you. You know I love you.

Come on people, our lives are just starting. Do I need to bring back the striper pole, midget, donkey, inflatible pools, garden tools, and items from Adam and Eve to get us going again? I will continue to be a train wreck.