crishe_30

Ohh so sad, but that's the truth. The truth is always ugly anyway. I hope Filipino people would do something about it.

Good luck and best wishes to Chris-Gerlie

To thongd4me,

These insecurities I have right now are the by-product of the following: my personality, extrinsic pressures and intrinsic pressures. The only thing I can do is to live with it and learn to overcome these insecurities. I believe it is just a matter of time and I have faith in myself. How I wish I could choose not to think these negative issues but I am not getting there yet. Despite the fact of my full knowledge about my husband, still my insecurities are beyond control. I think because he was too honest and he told me everything, though I knew that there was a bias because that’s his wife and married for 22 years and have 2 grown up kids and a grandson. I understand that part but it just hurts sometimes. I know who am I and what I am capable of but the comparison is not always fair. Ohhhh well, life is unfair. There were even times that I felt that I deserve less because I am a second wife. I feel being deprived sometimes, sounds crazy, huh! I have thought about these things and looked on the bright side and said “ These things happened for a reason”. I can make a lot of speculations about why is this so and so but I am tired of it. To give a brief background about myself, I am 30 and capable of bearing a child, professional and was never been married and no kid. I was financially independent and I loved the way things were used to be. I like my life now too, a challenging chapter of my life and I find it interesting. My husband and I are living in upper middle class lifestyles and experiencing things that not many people have it. I realized not all glitters are gold and material things cannot give you ultimate happiness. I don’t want to appear as an idealistic person because I know that individual has his/her own gauge of happiness. I prefer balance life such as ( work, family, relaxation/entertainment, socialization, etc). I love my husband anyway no matter what and I know he loves me too.

About me wanting a kid; I am not sure if that would happen. My husband had a vasectomy a few months before I moved here and I knew about it. He had his sperm freeze in the agency and he is still paying for the storage until now. He said, I might change my mind in the future that's why he stored it in there. I am not positive how sure he was because I know he doesn't want a kid anymore. I made several attempts of talking about it but it didn't go nowhere. When we were still dating, I told him that I didn't want a kid and probably it was all my fault because I said those words to him. You know what, I really wanted to take all the blame but what can I do, if I feel that way right now. I am a woman and I am nothing different than any woman in the world. Ohh, jeezzz I am just nuts!!! I can imagine people reading this post might think I am this and that, blah blah. Anyway, thank you for reading!!

in general, Americans tend to grieve loss of a spouse in proportion to the years spent with the deceased. for men, recovery to true independence and completion of processing of the loss averages 2 years for every 10 married. for women it's 3-4 years for every 10 married. this is true in divorce, as well as widowhood, and applies to any person worth marrying. it it doesn't seem to apply to some people that's because they are so shallow and self centered (sociopathic) that they are not worth marrying. use this average as an estimate for the number of years you will have to suffer being compared to your husband's last wife. it sounds harsh, but is a realistic estimation of your place in this relationship.

things are more complicated if you married very close to the death of the last wife. if your husband spent less than 1-2 years alone before marrying you he will be "transferring" some of his interdependency with his last wife onto you. he will do this unconsciously, and cannot control it. it is a normal feature of remarriage soon after loss, and will prevent him from ever fully grieving his last wife until he has to grieve you, if this ever happens. in this case you have married into what remains of an existing marriage (in a psychological sense) and will reap the costs and benefits of the balance in the last relationship.

long term prognosis? you will always have the shadow of his last wife over your life, but it will get fainter as the years roll by. he will come to develop a deeper relationship with you that will take first position in his life. he will come to cherish you for the way you care for him, and will develop a love for you that is yours and yours alone. he will think of YOU as his wife, and will struggle to remember the woman he had been married to and lost some years before.

the long and the short of it is that you will have the position in your husband's life that you make for yourself, but you will have to be a bit patient and forgive him for his need of time to let go of the past. i understand your situation as a man who was married young and lost his relationship, then remarried. i can see it when i look back many years into the past. your husband will be able to see it then, too. it just takes a little time.

in the meantime, remember, love begins with respect. be worthy of your own respect and he will respect you. be worthy of your own admiration and he will admire you. be worthy of your own love, and he will love you.

Your insights and thoughts were highly appreciated. What can I do? I can not just control my feelings about it but I believe I will be fine eventually. Besides, I am still having a hard time adjusting my life here in the US. You would probably understand what is like when you are new to the country, culture, lifestyles, marriage and everything else around. I know these negative thoughts won't bring me nowhere but I can't just help it. I also feel that I have nobody whom I can express my feelings and thoughts about my situation now so I think this is the best place where I can express myself. Some people can be very judgemental but I don't care. To be honest, I feel better now after I posted here. Anyway, I have faith in myself that I can get past this moment of my life. Deep in my heart and soulI feel lucky to have a great husband who is always loving, compassionate and supportive. He is the only one I got!!! Unfortunately, topics like these are quite sensitive to be discussed with him. I tried and it didn't help. Thank you once again---Crishe

Hi Everybody,

I've been an avid reader of this website and I find it very interesting and informative. Most of the people here ( but not all) have something in common and it is great because they can relate and understand each other. In my case, like where I am now, I feel that I am just alone in this situation. I have nobody to talk to when I need to express my feelings and thoughts about my situation. Hey, my life is not terrible but not perfect either. I can't complain anything other than my insecurities/jealousy of his late wife. I know the comparison between me and his late wife is normal and there were times that I felt like a third wheel and didn't know where to stand. I should have not felt this way but I can't control myself. Another thing, my husband is very firm from the very beginning of not having a kid with me. At first, I was fine about it but there were times that I long of having a kid of my own, probably because of my insecurities or I don't know.

Hey, I just need your inputs and insights about my situation. I know being married to a widower is quite crucial. Thank you

Hi Everybody,

I've been an avid reader of this website and I find it very interesting and informative. Most of the people here ( but not all) have something in common and it is great because they can relate and understand each other. In my case, like where I am now, I feel that I am just alone in this situation. I have nobody to talk to when I need to express my feelings and thoughts about my situation. Hey, my life is not terrible but not perfect either. I can't complain anything other than my insecurities/jealousy of his late wife. I know the comparison between me and his late wife is normal and there were times that I felt like a third wheel and didn't know where to stand. I should have not felt this way but I can't control myself. Another thing, my husband is very firm from the very beginning of not having a kid with me. At first, I was fine about it but there were times that I long of having a kid of my own, probably because of my insecurities or I don't know.

Hey, I just need your inputs and insights about my situation. I know being married to a widower is quite crucial. Yhank you