myfakeID

I think she's very smart to come and ask advice before the problem gets out of control.
When my SO got here, my children just loved him! He wisely kind of stood back and let them get used to him before stepping into any sort of parental role. And even then, it was basically "listen to your mother".
After several years, though, the oldest had a change of heart, and has decided that she hates my husband - she refuses to live here because he's here. I would love for her to come back, as difficult as it was to deal with 2 people who don't get along, but she won't. Her father is encouraging her behavior. She even stopped talking to me for a while.
Some people might think I'm horrible for 'letting' him stay, but it's much more complicated than that. First of all, and most importantly, my other 2 children need him. They love him very very much, and he's extremely important to them. Their father is around, but not very emotionally warm or available. They (all 3) had a difficult time adjusting to their parents' divorce and remarriages. They (2 younger ones) love both step-parents, and if they lost any of the 4 of us (parents or step-parents), it would be devastating for them. The second most important reason (since the children ARE the most important part of this situation) is that my daughter's therapist (I wish she still had the same therapist! - that's a long story) said that especially with my daughter's personality, it would be a horrible idea to give her 'power' over others' lives. I agree - it doesn't make sense to disrupt 4 other people's lives so that one teenager can get her way. Of course, if there was a real reason, it would be different - and we'd figure out a way to cope. But since the two of them just don't get along right now, it wouldn't make sense. (see loved him when he got here, she disliked him for a little while a few years ago, then decided she liked him again, and now hates him - it's been back and forth with her)
(By the way, the children's father tried to get the school to change the oldest child's schedule because she "didn't like" one of her teachers. Seriously, does he plan to follow her around all of her life and 'fix' things, instead of trying to teach her how to get along with people?)
Then there are all the other reasons - like the fact that we love each other (of course), we jointly own the house and everything, he has nowhere else to go (neither do I, really - especially with children! - and no family members very close by), we are barely getting by with both incomes, etc. Seriously, he's a wonderful person - loving, kind, helpful... and he's been a good influence on all of us - giving me encouragement, for example. It was quite an adjustment for all of us, of course, and I think that he did well. But it really IS difficult for children of certain ages (pre-teen and teen especially) to adjust to having a new step-parent, and also difficult for someone to step into an already existing family - especially when they're changing countries, and have never been married before.
It sounds to me like the OP's husband and son aren't bad people - they're just going through a difficult adjustment period. I didn't hear anything that would warrant "getting rid of" the husband. It sounds to me like the husband isn't rejecting the son, he just doesn't want to "step on any toes". I think that's admirable, even if I don't agree - I think that having another adult in his life can be a wonderful thing. She can explain to her husband that he can be an addition to her son's life, and not worry that anyone will think he's trying to be a replacement for the father. I can see his point - I wouldn't like if my children's step-mother tried to take my place (for the record, I'm happy they have a female in their life who they love for those days I don't get to see them).
I don't recommend trying to get them to bond, though - you're right about that - that's something that needs to develop on its own. If your son feels like you're "making him" like his step-father, he's likely going to resist. Enjoy the fact that they're civil to each other, and (if I remember correctly) that your husband doesn't complain about your son in front of him. I do know how difficult it is to hear someone you love complain about someone else that you love. I don't have a solution for you, though. Except maybe to keep in mind that if your husband came from a less privileged background, it's difficult to deal with how spoiled your son must seem to him. I let my husband vent (when the kids weren't around, of course) about how much food they wasted, how much stuff they have (and didn't seem to care about) - because I know he didn't have much to eat or play with. It's funny - I think I expected my husband to be more appreciative of things that he was. It's not that he doesn't appreciate anything, it's just that I didn't expect him to be so... picky about things! For example, he won't eat leftover meat - he says it smells bad (even if it's the next day). And it took him FOREVER to find him shoes that he liked.
I don't know how long you've been divorced, or how long you've been remarried. Or the personalities of your son or husband. But I do understand (for what it's worth) that you're in a difficult, exhausting place. My best advice next time either of them starts is to say something like "I understand. You're entitled to your feelings, but I just can't listen right now. I'm sorry you feel that way about him, and I hope you two can continue to be polite to each other, and hope you get along some day soon." Is there someone else they can vent to? I hope it improves, and soon.
I DO think that figuring out a way for them to get along better is very important. I hate that my first born has pulled away from the family, and wish I knew how to change that. I know that most children 'leave' once they're 18 or so - and kind of start pulling away earlier than that so they can spend more time with their friends. I just didn't expect my daughter to stop living with me as a young teenager.
Best of luck to the OP, and anyone else having similar problems.

I think she's very smart to come and ask advice before the problem gets out of control.
When my SO got here, my children just loved him! He wisely kind of stood back and let them get used to him before stepping into any sort of parental role. And even then, it was basically "listen to your mother".
After several years, though, the oldest had a change of heart, and has decided that she hates my husband - she refuses to live here because he's here. I would love for her to come back, as difficult as it was to deal with 2 people who don't get along, but she won't. Her father is encouraging her behavior. She even stopped talking to me for a while.
Some people might think I'm horrible for 'letting' him stay, but it's much more complicated than that. First of all, and most importantly, my other 2 children need him. They love him very very much, and he's extremely important to them. Their father is around, but not very emotionally warm or available. They (all 3) had a difficult time adjusting to their parents' divorce and remarriages. They (2 younger ones) love both step-parents, and if they lost any of the 4 of us (parents or step-parents), it would be devastating for them. The second most important reason (since the children ARE the most important part of this situation) is that my daughter's therapist (I wish she still had the same therapist! - that's a long story) said that especially with my daughter's personality, it would be a horrible idea to give her 'power' over others' lives. I agree - it doesn't make sense to disrupt 4 other people's lives so that one teenager can get her way. Of course, if there was a real reason, it would be different - and we'd figure out a way to cope. But since the two of them just don't get along right now, it wouldn't make sense. (see loved him when he got here, she disliked him for a little while a few years ago, then decided she liked him again, and now hates him - it's been back and forth with her)
(By the way, the children's father tried to get the school to change the oldest child's schedule because she "didn't like" one of her teachers. Seriously, does he plan to follow her around all of her life and 'fix' things, instead of trying to teach her how to get along with people?)
Then there are all the other reasons - like the fact that we love each other (of course), we jointly own the house and everything, he has nowhere else to go (neither do I, really - especially with children! - and no family members very close by), we are barely getting by with both incomes, etc. Seriously, he's a wonderful person - loving, kind, helpful... and he's been a good influence on all of us - giving me encouragement, for example. It was quite an adjustment for all of us, of course, and I think that he did well. But it really IS difficult for children of certain ages (pre-teen and teen especially) to adjust to having a new step-parent, and also difficult for someone to step into an already existing family - especially when they're changing countries, and have never been married before.
It sounds to me like the OP's husband and son aren't bad people - they're just going through a difficult adjustment period. I didn't hear anything that would warrant "getting rid of" the husband. It sounds to me like the husband isn't rejecting the son, he just doesn't want to "step on any toes". I think that's admirable, even if I don't agree - I think that having another adult in his life can be a wonderful thing. She can explain to her husband that he can be an addition to her son's life, and not worry that anyone will think he's trying to be a replacement for the father. I can see his point - I wouldn't like if my children's step-mother tried to take my place (for the record, I'm happy they have a female in their life who they love for those days I don't get to see them).
I don't recommend trying to get them to bond, though - you're right about that - that's something that needs to develop on its own. If your son feels like you're "making him" like his step-father, he's likely going to resist. Enjoy the fact that they're civil to each other, and (if I remember correctly) that your husband doesn't complain about your son in front of him. I do know how difficult it is to hear someone you love complain about someone else that you love. I don't have a solution for you, though. Except maybe to keep in mind that if your husband came from a less privileged background, it's difficult to deal with how spoiled your son must seem to him. I let my husband vent (when the kids weren't around, of course) about how much food they wasted, how much stuff they have (and didn't seem to care about) - because I know he didn't have much to eat or play with. It's funny - I think I expected my husband to be more appreciative of things that he was. It's not that he doesn't appreciate anything, it's just that I didn't expect him to be so... picky about things! For example, he won't eat leftover meat - he says it smells bad (even if it's the next day). And it took him FOREVER to find him shoes that he liked.
I don't know how long you've been divorced, or how long you've been remarried. Or the personalities of your son or husband. But I do understand (for what it's worth) that you're in a difficult, exhausting place. My best advice next time either of them starts is to say something like "I understand. You're entitled to your feelings, but I just can't listen right now. I'm sorry you feel that way about him, and I hope you two can continue to be polite to each other, and hope you get along some day soon." Is there someone else they can vent to? I hope it improves, and soon.
I DO think that figuring out a way for them to get along better is very important. I hate that my first born has pulled away from the family, and wish I knew how to change that. I know that most children 'leave' once they're 18 or so - and kind of start pulling away earlier than that so they can spend more time with their friends. I just didn't expect my daughter to stop living with me as a young teenager.
Best of luck to the OP, and anyone else having similar problems.