HoneyHummingbird

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband’s came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it’s just where he comes from, I just don’t know anymore. I’m to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can’t even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

First thing I want to say is each person is different and every relationship is different. You must always remember that and construct your relationship based on what works best for your family.

My husband arrived in June 2010. I am a few years older than him and I am also a professional woman so I believe this has played a role in how we react in our relationship. I can't say for sure that I noticed a change in my husband, moreso a struggling transition in maturity/understanding level. When my husband was in Nigeria he didn't have a lot to be responsible for. He didn't have a college degree or had to work a daily 9-5 job. He didn't have to pay monthly bills on time every time. He didn't have to do a lot of things that life in the US requires. IMO it is a big adjustment depending on what your husband came from.

1. Such as not being as affectionate?

My husband is affectionate, I on the other hand am not very affectionate. Each person has their own comfort level when it comes to affection. If your husband didn't come from an overly affectionate household this may play a role in how affectionate he is. I am less affectionate. Even though I love my husband dearly I am a mental person, my mind is always on keeping things secure and on track. My only concern would be if your husband didn't want to sleep with you on the regular. Other than that some people just aren't affectionate. I don't cheat on my husband and he doesn't cheat on me and that is all that matters. You have to determine what's more important because ain't no relationship perfect. Would you rather have a husband that is affectionate and always hot and if you don't want to put out he gets pissed and looks elsewhere or would you rather have a husband that is willing and available whenever you want it. I know it sucks but I have decided that I would rather have fidelity over constant affection. Is your husband a jokster? Does silly dances as he approaches you? This is also affection that you may not be seeing because you may be looking for affection of the romantic kind.

2. Being quiet?

My husband is pretty quiet, unless he has something to say or is spoken to. A lot of men are like that.

3. Not caring about spending time together?

My husband is a big time homebody and in all honesty, if my husbands finances aren't right we don't do a lot together on the regular. However, when his money is flowing he is very generous. I have to initiate a lot of what we do. I am more familiar with the area and my husband seems unsure at times about whether I will like what he wants to do. We have been on trips, cruises, amusement parks etc... but most of it has been my idea. In Nigeria, my husband would tell me he didn't do much growing up and I thought he was lying but he was telling the truth. I was comparing his life to life in the US and its wasn't the same. He would say he was out drinking or hanging with his friends and thats it he wasn't doing a whole lot. Even when I went to Nigeria it wasn't like we were eating at the Cheesecake Factory or fancy restaurants, going bowling, beach etc.. there really wasn't a lot to do except bar lounges, local restaurants and visiting friends and family.

4. Not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them?

My husband doesn't like to discuss future plans unless he has the ability to implement them. We have plans but he feels that when his money is right he will do what he has to do to implement them and until then he doesn't want to have long discussions on creating a blueprint. I on the other hand plan everything in advance. That's just my way. I just accepted that we don't think alike in that aspect but ultimately we still end up in the same place.

5. Just not seeming family oriented?

As I said my husband is there on a daily basis to assist me in raising my 13 year old son. When his money is right he does more. We spend more time with the closest relatives (mom and dad). Extended family sometimes he will go sometimes no. Again, a lot of men are like this. I think sometimes its a comfort thing.

6. How long did they need to get on their feet?

Girllllll, he is slowly but surely getting on his feet but it will take a LONG time for him to reach the level that I was accustomed to. His money is not at that level.

7. Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job?

I don't give my husband money. I made it very clear from before he came that he would have to pay his share and as a man he would have to be a man and make it happen. If I do loan him (small money) its with the expectation I want it back. I may deduct some from the balance here and there but a loan is a loan.

8. Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it?

Again, honestly my husband is not in a position financially to help me out most of the time. He pays his share of the bills and contributes towards the household needs and that's enough for me because at least I ain't taking care of him. But when he has more money he does more. Unless your husband comes from money or had money, you have to look at it as he's handicapped to a degree you can't expect the same standard as someone who has been in the US from day 1.

9. Did you find them to be secretive about their finances?

Not secretive but not full disclosure either. I disclose about 75% of my finances and I believe he does the same. I have my emergency stash while he may linger around zero balance status. I don't bother myself with him helping his family or what not. As long as my household ain't being deprived when bills are due and we need something I focus on my own savings.

10. Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that?

Girllll, my husband still does that from time to time but I let hime know real quick that I ain't Nigerian I am American. I am a professional career woman and I have no desire to be a housewife unless my husband got a lot of money. I ain't cleaning up 24 hours behind a grown man, I ain't no maid or house servant. My son hears the same speech. I hate to say it but I once let the bathroom go for 1 month and he eventually cleaned it. I don't mind cleaning up and stuff but don't leave NASTY behing in the kitchen and bathroom expecting me to touch it and they don't want to.... you feel me.

11. Never can give any type of positive praise to balance it?

My husband can never give me credit but he is always asking for my help and advice. A lot of times he can't say something positive on the spot but the next day or so he will say "that is a good idea".

12. Not speaking for days when upset?

Yes, my husband pouts. I don't know for days but he will quiet up so that may be the same thing. My mother even notices he pouts. I joke with him about it and say things like ok two can play that game or when he says something to me I look around and act like someone else is in the room.

I ain't gonna lie married life hasn't been easy (especially if the woman is more stable and secure IMO). We have had our struggles but we our still making it. We are committed to our marriage, we are faithful to each other and we want to do the right thing even if we don't get our way all the time. I know my husband loves me. He pays his share. He spoils me when he can. He helps with my son. He helps out around the house (sometimes) and he is trying. We are expecting our 1st child in 3 months. If for some reason my husband and I don't make it I have vowed to myself to never marry or live with another man again in this lifetime.

Maybe a whole lot hasn't happened except your expectations were bigger than the reality. You may have to accept your reality instead of fighting trying to change it. It took me awhile and I am starting to be affected less because I realize it ain't gonna be perfect. He may not be financially stable enough to help you. He may be quiet. He may expect you to work and be 100% housewife and superwoman. He may not want to go to every family outing. He ma pout when he can't have his way. You just have to realize you can only do what you can and own it. Stick up for yourself. Let him know that if he don't like it he knows what he can do. You ain't no superwoman. You ain't his mother and you ain't his servant. Own it.

I hope this helps. It may not be what some want to hear but its my truth.

Oh, ask your SO to look into sending you Magic Jack if your internet connection is good, (pre-register it with a local US number before its sent to SA). Then using the Magic Jack/internet you call the local US number. It will be US to US. I have heard this works and MJ keeps a call log.

Ditto for Rebel! Great service.

Also ask your SO to check to see if your incoming calls show up on their cell phone bill. You don't need long expensive calls from your end you just need to show regular contact. Also try to download or email the sms' to yourself and print them out from time to time to use as proof.

I am 9 years older than my husband and my husband says it wasn't really addresses.****A little off topic***My husbands family (parents and siblings) all signed a quick 1 paragraph letter that said they met me, supported our marriage and that they were aware of the age difference. My mom signed one on behalf of my family.

We had to have a 2nd interview. Trust me, blacking out certain text in emails will get you everytime!!! I have a child so for this interview I asked him to write a letter. He wrote a lovely 2 paragraph letter about his LD friendship/relationship with his soon to be dad and the things they were going to do when he came. My husband said the interviewer thought it was sweet.

Hi All,

My fiance will be arriving in a month's time.

To the Petitioner's that were recently approved and that are now living with their S.O.?

1.How is your S.O. adjusting?

2.Has there been anything about our way of life or culture that has been hard for your S.O.?

3.What about technology and banking? I would think there are challenges with coming from a mainly cash based way of life to a more high tech and credit based society where 90% of the time I never physically touch my $ and I usually carry $25 or less in cash.

4.Did your S.O. think he/she knew all there was to know about Americans and life in the U.S. to later see differently?

5.What about his/her feelings and experiences with interacting with non-blacks and how have they adjusted to living in a society where blacks are a minority?

I look forward to reading your posts.

Thanks

Quick Update:

I traveled to Nigeria on 3/23 to see my fiance. While in Lagos we went to pick up his passport/visa together.

I didn't get much rest because we spent a lot of time meeting different people and socializing.

We had a small introduction/prayer gathering at his parent's house with family and friends the day before I left and now I am eagerly waiting for him to join me here.

I had another amazing time in Nigeria but I couldn't move around as freely as before because of slight unrest in his state, which made me feel restricted and caged. He did protect me like Kevin Costner in the BodyGuard though.. lolol.

Crazy me, I even drove his car for short distances without him in it a few times... No, not in Lagos... I may be crazy but I am not retarded

I was sad to leave my fiance but I will admit that I was happy to leave this time. Plus, I really really missed my son.

I slept 2 days straight when I got home.

Please how can i schedule appointment to speak with supervisor or chief consular handling my case in lagos consulate

Sorry to say this but I think its nearly impossible.

Its hard to get anyone on the phone over there because they give you the run around, multiple hang ups, pick up the call and put the phone down and will forward you to voicemails (if you're lucky).

I even called Abuja and asked to speak to the ambassador and everything..... no deal....sorry.

Wow - honeyhummingbird, CONGRATS!! Your story is incredible, VERY happy for you both!!! I imagine you are exhausted. Seems everyone is preparing for battle at Lagos, glad yours had this very happy ending... go, rest - then enjoy!

<img src="http://www.visajourney.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dancin5hr.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="dancin5hr.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dancin5hr.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="dancin5hr.gif" />

Thank you so much. I know yours is coming soon. You have remained aggressive and I know you will prevail this time around, in Jesus name. Amen

It is great to hear happy news from Nigerians. I so hate every time someone can't make a marriage work and puts the country down. It seems that being persistent is wearing down even the most evil of consulates

So true. We stayed aggressive.

Everytime we got a 221g, we would contact the embassy within 24-48hrs saying that the information requested was readily available, we had it, and we needed another interview date. Within 2-3 days we would get a reply with a new interview date. The 2nd interview was scheduled a little less than a month later and the 3rd interview was 2 weeks after that.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I am slowly getting back to my senses. I had to take a few days off after our approval to unwind. I have been through a lot in my life but this experience definitely ranks near the top. Now, I feel like I can begin the next chapter in my life. I felt stagnant. Thank God we made it through to the other side. I know there is more to come but it feels good to feel normal again.

Thanks to everyone for your well wishes. You guys are awesome.

VJ, I am loving the new look.

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate it.

I am getting ready for my trip to Nigeria at the end of this month

congratulations

Thank you!!

Congratulations. All your hard work has paid off!

Thanks Girlfriend!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that my fiance was finally approved at the Lagos Consulate today.

We are happy, but I think relieved and free describes our true feelings at this moment. :dance: :dance:

It was a very stressful and life paralyzing ride but with God's help, love and grace we finally made it through.

Interview 1 January: Blacked-out emails - CO wanted to see originals

Interview 2 February: CO says a joint sponsor is required

Interview 3 Today, March 11: Approved

I purchased a ticket last month to Lagos because the consulate experience was really wearing me down. I will be traveling to Lagos at the end of this month and we have decided to pick up his visa and tell everyone on his end together. Right now we just want to keep this nugget to ourselves.

To all of you preparing to go through the Lagos Consulate.... expect the unexpected, be thoroughly prepared, believe in your love, have faith that love conquers all and most importantly PRAY!! You will need it.

I want to say an extra special thank you to all my VJ friends that offered a supportive ear.

GOD BLESS

Thanks to all!!!

My fiance was approved today. They say the 3rd times a charm.

We are ecstatic!!!

Congratulations Momov!!!

Sounds like you were ready to open a can of whoop azz for your man!!! Amen.

I am so happy for you two.

Congratulations!!!

God will surely bless you both!!!

Hi,

I am petitioning for a K-1 visa for my fiance in Nigeria. We received a 221g stating that we need a joint sponsor.

The language on the printout says:

A notarized joint sponsor form (I-134,I-864), most recent tax return and 6 most recent pay stubs.

_______________________________________________________________________________

My sponsor is a long time family friend that has been retired for many years. He receives social security & pension benefits on a monthly basis deposited directly into the bank.

My sponsor has given me his IRS tax transcripts ('07 and '08) and his 2009 tax return with the required social security and pension income forms.

Even though his SSI and Pension income is more than enough, he said that he can also give me asset information thats already in his possession (stocks, life insurance).

Issue: My sponsor doesn't think he will be able to get the "pay stubs" because they are direct deposited and he doesn't want to deal with the hassle.

Are pay stubs necessary if my sponsor is retired?

Will the information my sponsor has given me be enough?

Does my sponsor have to fill out the I-134 or I-864?

I was thinking of sending both just to be safe. We will get the forms notarized because the 221g form we received requires it.

Thanks

Congratulations!!! I am very happy for you!!!

You and your fiance will be highly favored today in Jesus name.

You are possibly seeing more denials because of the increasing number of complaints filed of fraud. About 40% of these VJ relationships end up in those categories.

Yes, I am sure it is frustrating, but imagine how frustrated the people are doing their job to find out that they have been defrauded. That they trusted the person they interviewed and sent them to America only to find out that they mentally abused, used, and abandoned their US wife. These people have a difficult job to do.

this is just going to be a fact that US petitioners have to accept when they petition someone from a high fraudulent country.

Again..I have not once seen a woman openly say. Wow he was denied...I wonder what they seen in him that I did not. Most do not know their bennie anymore then what they are told along with a brief visit. So consulate have to trust our oppinions which continue to be proven wrong.

Not to diminish the pain, frustration, and hurt you are feeling, but I continue to stand up for these people just trying to do their job. Difficult one at best.

I dey hear your gist but no one said that all of the 221g's issued in Lagos are due to the bonafide marriage issue. Some of us are delayed for a piece of paper that they aren't even collecting or only taking a glance at once its presented.

I don't feel we are attacking the employees and if some of us want to question their practices we can. We have a right to determine whether people are being treated fairly at the Lagos consulate or if there is an abuse of power. Just because someone is doing their job doesn't mean they are being fair and impartial.

I for 1 am thankful they are doing their job but that doesn't change the fact that we have a right to marry the person of our choosing... even in the US we can marry a murderer, inmate, pedophile.. drug dealer... crackhead etc.. Its our choice and unless the person is a security risk or risk to society why deny us or delay our desire to wed.

This is not about the CO and their wish to be 100/100 on their approval success record and they need to accept the fact that they won't "get all the bad people". This is not a soap opera this is our lives, our families lives, and our kids lives and ultimately its OUR CHOICE how we decide who we wish to create a life with not the embassy. In addition, I'm not seeing the same level of denials or issuances of 221g's in other regional threads that are considered fraud risks.

USCIS asked for certain documents and if you provided what is required why is there a problem. As with any other US government agency that was created to SERVE its people you wait in line to submit what they've outlined and you get what you apply for... objectively. If they were really trying to protect us they would put additional roadblocks on permanent residency or the non-USC's ability to petition for another from their home countries not impeding our choice to START a family. Its the petitioners choice... whether they make a good or bad 1 as to the person's character. Bad marriage choices happen here too. Most of us our intelligent people. We have suffered a broken heart before and we don't need the embassy step-parenting our choice of a 'good spouse.'

Now, we are looking into how I could move there for a while to meet their subjective idea while we get started on our life. Because of paper addiction I feel I am being forced to suspend my career indefinitely and possibly ruin myself financially to marry someone that is not a threat to others. Obviously, it would have been easier for us to settle here but for us settling here was always an option to begin with, not a requirement.

All in all, the CO's are wrong when they delay applicants for nonsense reasons.

Hello VJ Members,

I find it very disturbing that each time I come on this website, Im seeing more denials and 221g being issued at the Lagos Consulate which I think is becoming ridiculous . And to be honest its quite disheartening and very frustrating. Im really tempted to start some type of petition/complaint against the Lagos Consulate because all of this has got to stop. The reason why these CO's at the Lagos Consulate are playing "God" with our lives/future to be with our SO is because I dont think we (especially the USC petitioners) arent making any formal complaints. whicg they are using to their advantage to frustrate couples. Granted Lagos Consulate is famous for being known to be a "High Fraud Consulate" but dont you think that its insulting for our own American citizens to judge us and the ones we love "scammers"? Something needs to be done about this and fast.

I'm on board.

Out of frustration, I nearly contacted the White House yesterday to leave a comment about the Lagos Consulate. I thought about contacting the DHS but I feel we may have to tickle ears on a higher level because it appears the DHS is giving people the run around too.

In order to make sure everything is on the up and up in Lagos I feel this matter needs to be looked into and/or the motivations of the CO''s questioned for legitimacy.

Dear Queend,

Sorry to hear you are facing this. This too happened to me and my husband... If you look on the website you will see an astounding number of Lagos visa's denied for the "no proof of bonafied relationship." Do you think that sounds right? I do believe you went in with as much as you could. Check out how many are denied, and it's the same reason. There may be some people who have married for immigration purposes, for some reason they always end up in the country and there is a high number of people who are for real suffering because of it. So if you think it sounded strange, that you didn't have enough proof, it's because it is strange.

I've been trying to figure out a reason why there are so many denials other than fraud issues in Nigeria. Is there such a thing as blacklisting or is it possible there are a huge number of people trying to come to the U.S. from Nigeria and there is a certain allotment. I'm not sure but I know me and my husband are for real and we are and our family were stunned that this could occur to us, was so naive - think just being open and doing everything right would have my love home in a reasonable amount of time. Anyone who gets involved realize that while many smoothly sail through there is this large group of people suffering trying to get through the process with one thing after another causing grief.

You have the right proof, what more is there ... just keep collecting them and remember this is not the end and if you want to be together you will, just be persistent. Contact your senator pronto, and write everything you can remember from that interview and if your senator can make an appeal for a redo on the interview.

Take Care,

Your comment perfectly described my feelings of hopelessness and frustration today.

I am crushed by the way our government is treating us in Lagos. We love each other very much and it almost feels like they are torturing us for no good reason. We submitted so much proof and they still gave us a 221g. Why? He is not a national threat or a security risk so why can't I marry him. I have a constitutional right to marry. A bonafide relationship is a subjective standard. They don't even know us. They look at a few pictures and review a few hundred pieces of paper as if its conclusive.... not to mention preventing the other person from attending the interview. I think that is 1 of the best ways to see if there is genuine love. The family based visas are meant to bring families together but the Lagos embassy appears thrilled to create feelings of hopelessness in our situations. Some of us are truly in love and we just want to be with our partners. This process is also time consuming and expensive and I notice a lot people on the board don't profess to have unlimited resources to fight OUR government. The multiple interview trips for nonsense reasons (in Lagos most often delay tactics used to discourage couples) and the travel and hotel expenses for a day at the embassy is stressful and expensive for everyone involved. Money that we intended to use to start our life together. Not only are we suffering but our extended family is suffering. I miss my fiance so much, I cry everyday since he received the 221g. We want to be together to support and strengthen each other. We are heartbroken but worst than that..... we are now terrified of the embassy in Lagos.

From the American Dream promises, to having a college education with no job, and now...not being able to freely exercise my constitutional right to marriage... I am beginning to feel like MY government is not serving MY interests and I am starting to feel like an idiot for believing my government cared. Its all red tape, paperwork and a cold heart....... no real compassion and I am sorry to say that the fear of terror is going to further restrict us from being united with our loved ones abroad.

We are not criminals.... I wish the US Embassy in Lagos would stop treating us like we are.

Lastly, I want to say that the US Embassy in Lagos will not keep us apart. Our victory may be delayed but it won't be denied because we don't have to settle in the US.

I am so sorry to hear of your experience but all hope is not lost as soon as you get the emails to them i am positive your visa will be granted so give them what they asked for and you will be fine. One of the things my husband recollected while he was being interviewed was that the lady read some of our emails and chat logs and was laughing all through cos we do write intimate stuff about our sex life and what positions we like, i guess that was what was cracking her up. I passed through Lagos Consulate while i was moving to the States so i kind of have first hand knowledge of what they like or dislike, they really really like transparency, don't keep anything secretive from them, be honest even if you don't know stuff just say you don't know and they will treat you kindly but blanking out portions of your emails or chat logs sends a wrong signal but like i said earlier you were not denied which is a good sign and i have no doubt you will soon be with your love. Be strong and remain blessed.

Thanks so much for responding. I really truly appreciate it.

We are handling everything positively. We have also decided that we will give this process a time limit and if it doesn't happen in that timeframe we will choose another option. All in all we are not going to let the 221g control our destiny. We will be together. As you know the economy and job market is tight right now so in order to keep my position I have been cautious about taking off and travel but because of this we are now exploring our next step, which includes using our savings so that I can make a trip to Nigeria... money we were hoping to use as a cushion.

Hi Family!

Looks like this would have been the best place to post this.

I would like to make a decision on the next step.

I have visited my finacee 3 times last year in the UK.

I plan to visit her (in Nigeria) but this time we plan to get traditionally weded in Nigeria (only family and friends, no registry, or court), and then get married (Church Wedding and/ or Court in the United States)

I guess my question is:

1. Is this wise to get traditionally married (no court papers or church registry, only family) and File the K1 visa or,

2. Stop the plans for the traditional marriage and just file the K1 visa or,

3. Get traditionally married (no court papers or church registry, only family) and file for the K3/CR-1 visa?

Please help! Cos the dates coming up soon!

Since you have met your fiance 3 times (and I am sure you have a good amount of evidence) I personally would do #2 or #3. Many people seem to recommend against having a traditional wedding in Nigeria because it can be viewed by the consular as you were married and your ability to prove otherwise may be difficult given the lack of organization in the country. If you both are Nigerian, I have read that having a traditional wedding or formal engagement introduction is helpful to your case because of cultural reasons.

My fiance and I discussed these options as well and erred on the side of caution by deciding to not have a traditional wedding plus K-1 visa route even though we wanted to have a traditional wedding.