MNCouple

To THE OP.....whatever you decide to do....you need to do one thing immediately.....take your pictures off your avatar, signature and profile. You are exposing VERY personal things about another human being, AND posting his photo. Whatever the case may be with your marriage, his condition, his immigration status, .......leaving his picture up for all to see is just NOT RIGHT.

Thank you, I honestly hadn't even thought about the pictures or signature as I was very much caught up in the moment of stress and frustration.

To provide an update. The hospital felt he was mentally stable enough to release on Monday. They gave him 30 days worth of antidepressants and 60 muscle relaxers, two for each day for a month. I was a little concerned that they sent him home with the means to come right back in. But he seems to be doing ok. I had asked him if he was taking the medication and he said no. I tried talking to him about it and yesterday he actually took the antidepressant.

He told me that he felt some relief, that it was so easy to look back and see how he was grinding me down to nothing. He had been abused as a child in ways a child shouldn't have to be abused and he's very non-chalant about it, but with his MS, I thought he should see someone. He is very proud and doesn't want to seem weak or need any help. I told him I wanted to take him to someone and yesterday he told me that secretly he wanted me to force him to get help, but he also said that if I had said anything, he would have fought me all the way.

At this point. I'm taking this turn of events as a blessing in disguise. The relationship wasn't working out well for me and I was having difficulty coping with him and his moods. He has some serious issues that need to be addressed. He seems to now be taking the medication and says he's going to see a psychiatrist. His OD didn't overly damage him and he learned a very valuable lesson, I think.

I have seen a therapist with my 12 year old and I've seen my doctor. She thinks it's best that I have some anti-anxiety medication and perhaps a low dose anti-depressant for a month or two to help me cope through the emotional roller coaster I'm on.

I'm bruised, emotionally worn out, tired beyond belief, but also feeling a little hopeful that things just might work out for the best. Of course, I'm not putting on the rose colored glasses... but I'm allowing myself a little bit of respite from the worry. Today he is looking for a new place to live and he's told me he loves me enough to let me go and offered to help me however he can.

Thank you all for your support and your advice!!!!

Thank you, he does have his greencard. So his aos was approved. I think I'm not permanently on the hook, right? Also, he has no family or close friends. He has no idea if his parents live and doesn't care to know. He has a sister but hasn't had contact with her in over 10 years. He thinks she is lazy and has no interest in having any contact with her.

I'd love to send him back to New Zealand, but he has no one there. A few friends, maybe they would help him out. I don't know if he'd go though.

Rather, I AM on the hook, sorry for the typo. He's on my insurance and I don't really care if I'll have to pay. He needs to be seen and cared for and if money is what it takes to get him healthy and stable, it's worth it. Money doesn't dictate my feelings or what I do in this situation. Obviously, I loved him very much and I still do on some levels. I just have to take care of myself and my children.

He did make me happy and he did make me feel loved, for a while. Then I started feeling miserable and unhappy and torn between him and my children... and everyone who saw us together knew I wasn't as happy as I should be. None of them liked the way he controlled me either. I just tried and tried to be patient, to find a balance in a "blended" family and be supportive of him while he adapted. But there comes a time when we all have to make a choice as to what is in our own best interest and the best interest of those we love. I knew he wasn't as happy with me as he should have been either. I wanted him to be able to find someone that would make him as happy as he should be.

Just because we love someone doesn't always mean that it's the best to be together.

What does that mean? Is that a nice way of saying you are both selfish? Obviously the guy loves you so much he doesnt want to live without you or the very least he just wants you attention because you dont give enough to him. Some women only dream of being loved so much.

1 Peter 3 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Both of you need to read your bibles as it sounds like you are BOTH out of control to me. Submit to your husband (as is fitting to the Lord) and dont yell back at him if he starts yelling. He will not yell for very long if you dont escalate it by yelling back. If you speak calm when he yells, he will stop yelling.

Andrew

Interesting advice. I meant just to say we were both strong-willed in our opinions and way we handle things. At times, that caused us to butt heads and have major fights.

I'm agnostic so do not believe in what the bible portrays is the best way to behave. I am a faithful person and do good to myself and those around me as I do believe in the golden rule. I am not, however, a submissive type and I'll not submit to a man who has values or strict methods that vary from what I feel or know is right.

I have DDD and arthritis in my spine and a hip injury. If he wanted to go for a walk and I requested only 1 or 2 miles, instead of 3 or 4. He would get angry at me and lecture me about how I didn't care about myself enough to become fit enough.

If I let my children take a fruit rollup in the living room, he'd throw a temper tantrum and tell me that he wouldn't do anything in the house to clean or help out if I was going to let them be slovenly and eat in the living room... we are talking about a fruit rollup for goodness sakes. I refuse to allow my life or my children to be treated in a way that I deem is or was, unfair. I did decide it was unfair and I did decide that the time had come for us to separate. I told him I wanted our relationship to end. I also told him that I'd come back the next day so that we could talk about details and logistics.

I do not believe I was being callous or intentionally hurtful. For some, submission comes easily, for others, they will never submit. I'm a very independent person and do not need to submit to anyone.

First off, I am sorry that you have to go through all this. Other people have offered you emotional advice so I'll just offer a suggestion immigration wise.. if you are truly done with this relationship and wish to end your marriage, I would promptly send a letter to the USCIS withdrawing your financial support. Since it looks like yo AOS hasn't been appvoed yet, my understanding is that until his AOS petition is approved, the i-485 isn't in effect. If he does not find another sponsor and if you do not go to the AOS interview with him, he has no legs to stand on, so to speak, and will not be granted a greencard.

Additionally, I would have his name removed from all financial accounts and start divorce proceedings immediatly. It won't be easy but since you stated that you want to end the relationship, this would be the route I suggest you take. You could offer to help him pack - when your children aren't around and possibly under the supervision of a close family friend- and provide him with a ticket home where he can be around family and friends who will help support him through this difficult time.

Good luck with however you decide to handle this <3

Thank you, he does have his greencard. So his aos was approved. I think I'm not permanently on the hook, right? Also, he has no family or close friends. He has no idea if his parents live and doesn't care to know. He has a sister but hasn't had contact with her in over 10 years. He thinks she is lazy and has no interest in having any contact with her.

I'd love to send him back to New Zealand, but he has no one there. A few friends, maybe they would help him out. I don't know if he'd go though.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words of advice, comfort and suggestions. I appreciate it very much. I went to the ICU yesterday to take him his glasses and his leg brace, his medications and some clothes. The nurse said that when they asked him if he was still thinking of hurting himself, he told them not today, but maybe tomorrow. But he was still very much out of it and coping with the drugs from the Overdose. I didn't go in to see him and the nurse agreed it was the best that I not go in and see him, I left.

I didn't make it out before suffering a massive panic attack. I ended up in the ER and they had to give me ativan and a pain medication, as the panic attack triggered a migraine. I ended up going home and sleeping from about 3pm to 800am this morning. When I called to check on him he was transferred to a regular medical unit and that he was conscious and talking and that he wanted to see me. They also needed one more box of his meds as I took the wrong box.

So I went to see him today and the psychiatrist came in while I was there. He apologized to me and told me he loved me many times. I told him I knew he loved me. I told the psychiatrist that it was over for a variety of reasons and she then told him that with his MS and drinking it was making his depression worse. She asked if he was willing to drink less and he said yes. She also said that she was going to put him on antidepressants, a low dose for a few days while in the hospital and that he would be monitored to see how he was adjusting. THey'd have to decide if he'd go into psych ward or not depending on how he reacted.

He didn't seem suicidal and was agreeable with her. He did ask me several times if I felt the same way as I did the other day and once I told him yes. THen he asked again and I told him it was probably best that we not talk about it right now and instead talk about things in a few days.

He told me he appreciated me coming and thanked me. But he also wanted me to curl up with him and he kept telling me he loved me.

I do feel better for seeing him. Knowing he's ok and hearing him talk to the psychiatrist. But I have to just harden myself to the result. He and I are over. I told him there was no way I'd have any access to my children if I was with him and he nodded. I don't know if he gets it yet or not. He does seem to be in denial. He didn't know what day it was, he thought it was still Friday, and not Sunday.

I do care for him and I do want to see to his well-being, I just can't be with him anymore. My 12 year old found out about it... and she's been having nightmares and she is blaming herself. She told her father she had a nightmare that Chris died and then started haunting her because it was his fault he died.

I can't tell you how that makes me feel... and makes my x husband furious. So I have a variety of levels of guilt... for everyone... and rage and frustration and just about a dozen other emotions. The lady in the ER gave me domestic abuse information and other crisis hotline information. Everyone says I need to get seen right away, my daughter needs to be seen... and of course, Chris has to be seen by a psychiatrist.

He did tell me to look at the bills and did talk about going to work. So I'm hopeful that with proper medication and care, he won't try to hurt himself again.... but I also can't let him think that what he did will get me back.

I'm afraid to tell him strongly it's over and I do care about him and think I should visit him from time to time. But I don't want to give him the wrong impression.

Anyway, thank you all so much. I do appreciate it.

Thank you,

Erica

I met my husband online, like many of us did. He was in New Zealand and I was in the USA. I was leaving 1st husband and the relationship I had with Chris (my now husband and Green Card holder) was intense and romantic and fantastic. We decided to see if we felt the same things when we actually met. He came in January of last year and met me... I was still married but we got along so well and it was so wonderful that he decided to come back and see me again in March. He came on the VWP. Our love continued to develop and I hadn't completed my divorce but we wanted to be together and he proposed. My divorce got finalized during the 90 day VWP and we got married.

I know now that it was a mistake. I wasn't really ready for such another serious relationship as I still was getting over the emotional affects of my separation and divorce of husband 1. Chris and I are both passionate, stubborn, strong-willed and type A personalities. In many areas we were scarily identical. Unfortunately, in the areas we differed, we differed greatly. We'd have major fights. In one particular fight, he poured alcohol all over me. He drank every day because he said alcohol was the only thing he had. He has MS and can't be as active as he wants.

I had also told him before he came that my children were the most important thing to me and our relationship would hinge on the relationship that would develop between him and them. My younger daughter liked him quite a bit. My older daughter hated him. He was very strict and had some extreme rules that they just weren't used to. He would control me and them. My older daughter finally said that she'd end up either hurting him or hurting herself if I stayed with him. She's 12. She should not be having those feelings.

So Thursday night I told him that I wanted to end our relationship. He was angry and upset. In our past arguments he had threatened suicide when I'd leave to go to my friend's house, but he never actually did anything about it. People told me it was emotional blackmail and a control mechanism. Because I'd always come back when he threatened it.

I left around 7pm... He was texting me over and over and over. Around 10pm the texts stopped and I figured he'd drunk himself to unconsciousness and then yes try to reconcile with me yesterday. I went to bed when the texts stopped, got up and went to work. I tried calling him and emailing him with no answer. I have a very busy job so I tried a couple of times through the morning. I had my friend try to call him when I got no response, thinking he was ignoring my calls. She called and then texted me. I never got her text. When I called her to see if she got a hold of him she said she'd texted me.

Then I looked at my phone and realized that my memory was full. So I cleared out all the messages and restarted my phone. That was around 2pm on Friday. I had 10 unread texts from him. The last three texts were: "Thank you for leaving me your antidepressants" and then "Tell Meagan (my younger daughter) goodbye for me" and then "Make sure Brodie (our dog) goes to a good and loving him me". Needless to say I panicked at that point and called the police. THey went to my house and found him unconscious and not very responsive. The ambulance took him to the hospital where his body temp was 93 and he was in the effects of a drug overdose.

I went to the ER. He was incoherent. Mumbling. Tugging at the restraints, trying to pull out IV's and Catheters. It was awful. It was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever seen. After a while he seemed to become a little more conscious and he was begging me to free his hands and when I said I couldn't his pulse went up to 170.... I eventually just had to leave because when I'd go see him, he'd get agitated.

They admitted him to the ICU and they think he'll survive. We have no idea what the damages might be yet though. They are going to put him in regular medical units when he is stable and off the medications necessary to get his system over the effects of the drugs. Then when he's rational, they are putting him in psych evaluation and then will not release him until he's under psychiatric care.

Even though he's not really been aggressive with me or the children, the doctor warned me that he may become aggressive now or he may try to do it again as soon as he's released.

I don't know what to do. I can't be with someone who would do that. I definitely can't have my children around someone like that. I know I'm financially responsible for him. What if he stays in a psych ward for a long time? What if they release him and he has to continue to be seen often by a psychiatrist?

I have to pay for all of this and what if he can't work? I won't divorce him yet, as he's on my insurance....

I'm just numb. I feel grief and pain and an overwhelming sense of rage that he'd do something like this. I just don't know what to do and I'm hoping for some advice or suggestions.... or anything...

What do I do?

Today we received the permanent resident card for my husband. We were married in June... off the Visa Waiver Program. From start to finish, it took less than five months.

I have to say that everyone here on the forums were supportive, helpful and had great advice for us.

So, to all of you, Thank You!

I can't tell you the sense of relief and happy joy-joy feelings we have!

I woke up this morning, checked my email and this is what I saw:

The last processing action taken on your case

Receipt Number: MSC0930411781

Application Type: I485 , APPLICATION TO REGISTER PERMANENT RESIDENCE OR TO ADJUST STATUS

Current Status: Card production ordered.

On October 19, 2009, we ordered production of your new card. Please allow 30 days for your card to be mailed to you. If we need something from you we will contact you. If you move before you receive the card, call customer service at 1-800-375-5283.

If you have questions or concerns about your application or the case status results listed above, or if you have not received a decision from USCIS within the current processing time listed*, please contact USCIS Customer Service at (800) 375-5283.

Our interview was scheduled for 1:30 today at the Bloomington location in Minnesota. We arrived around 12:45 and went through security. The security guards were pretty friendly and chatty and we were through in less than a minute or two. Then we went up to the room we needed to wait and left our interview letter notice.

There were half a dozen couples there and a group of what looked like a family. They had a tv on CNN and several magazines, thank goodness, it gets boring waiting while there's stress filling your belly. Around 1:50 a young woman called my husband in and she came out shortly later and asked me to fill out a G325 because mine wasn't in the package. SHe talked to my husband for around 20 minutes or so.

She asked him the usual questions off the standard form, no to weapons, no to prostitutions, etc. Then she proceeded to ask him how we met, when he proposed, where, then she asked some questions about my children. She asked some questions about our dog Brodie.

We took a huge binder of immigration forms, pictures, emails, copies of health insurance forms, leases, etc. She didn't look at anything. She did take some photographs and she took the copies of some drawings my daugther did for my husband.

Then she called me in. She asked me where we met, when we met in person, when he proposed, where we lived, if my spouse had any biological children etc. She asked me when we bought our rings and I couldn't tell her the exact day. My husband couldn't remember either, but we both said it was within a few days of the proposal. My husband didn't answer or say anything while I was in the room, after we were done he told me what she asked. So even though we didn't know the date, we were both consistent in our information. We also didn't remember the name of the restaurant we went to eat at after our wedding ceremony. I knew it was pirates something caribbean bbq... My husband couldn't remember it either. Not sure if that counted against us.

The biggest issue she seemed to have was over the fact we hadn't told my children or my parents that we were married. We chose not to tell them because our relationship was a whirlwind and we weren't able to do things properly, we want a bigger, nicer wedding with all my family in attendance. My husband had said my mother didn't know, because we didn't tell her. But when the lady asked me if my mom knew, I said I think she did. Cause my xhusband found out and I thought he might have told her... she asked me if I told my mother that I married my husband and I said no. I didn't.

We had quite a bit of proof to show our relationship, lease in both names, bank accounts in both names, health insurance for both of us. She asked him about the relationship he had with my children and how often he saw my xhusband. So there were quite a few questions about my kids and extended family and we both answered them consistently and correctly (even though we were asked the same questions seperately).

SHe took his little green paper from his passport and told us that she'd just review things and make a decision shortly. She said we should hear something in a couple of weeks. We pressed her for a little more information and she said that she'll approve it and we get a green card, that she'll request more information which she said she probably had enough and then she said we'd get a letter if she denied the request.

In all it was probably a 40 minute interview. We aren't sure if it was good or bad for us though and now we've got to wait a couple more weeks.

So, now we wait some more... what do you guys think? She was pleasant and didn't seem negative or anything like that.

Today we received the SS# in the mail. So we have everything ready for our interview on the 19th. My husband has started applying for jobs! Yay!

Well, we got the EAD card in today's mail. Our interview is scheduled for October 19th. My husband is going to the social security office on Monday. Other than the EAD card and birth certificate and passport, is there anything else from the immigration stuff that he needs to take with him?

Also, how long did it take you or your spouse to get their SS#?

Thanks all!

silly thing won't let me edit... one more question:

My next question, once my husband gets his EAD card, can he work with that card or does he first have to apply and receive a SS# before he can work?

You guys are always a great source of information and I appreciate your time and thoughts!

Today we got our letter for our interview! YAYAYAYAYAYA! It's a month away in the middle of October.

We've not received the EAD card yet though. No updates to our online file since the 25th of August. Are there times when you'd have your interview before you get your EAD card?

Just wondering, thanks!

Good luck!

*waits and waits some more*

The last update to my online cases were 8/25/2009... We should be getting the EAD card or letter for interview sometime soon I hope... but it's not here yet and ooooo the waiting is starting to get to me.

The second I drive into my complex I immediately run over to the mail box doing the "oh please, oh please, let there be a nice envelope from the government" chant...

I'm sure this is the only time in my life I'm going to be chanting that particular mantra, but it's there nonetheless!

Congratulations to all of you who are moving on up in the process. Those of us still waiting can bask in your positive news.

Welcome!

This site has been an excellent resource to us and I am sure the VJ'ers here will have some great advice or suggestions for you, should you need any.

Take care and good luck!

Welcome and good luck!

4. Keep fruit flies off plants: Create a solution of four teaspoons baking soda and one gallon of water. Spray on plants when fruit first appears. Spray once a week for two months, and after each rain. Can also be used on rosebushes against black spot fungus.

5. Remove car oil stains from concrete: Wet the stain, then sprinkle soda. Scrub.

AltUse.com

I HATE those pesky fruit flies. I never know where they come from. I just know if I have bananas out... *poof* here are fruit flies... they really love the red wine and salsa too.

I'm totally going to clean my garage

Very interesting. I learned something new today

Thanks for sharing.

You'll be on a cruise, go with Gilligan and Mary Ann. You can keep offering people a life vest for their treat.

The Titanic theme is a good one!

Let's see, you could go with a penguin and a polar bear.

Or you could go with a scuba diver and a shark.

Of course, there's always super man and wonder woman... really, can you go wrong in tights?

Does your husband flow with them.

I have somewhat of the same gas habit, if I cant make it to the nearest dollar(and believe me I will try) it has to be a 00. I usually pay with my debit card so it really doesnt matter but I do it anyway.

Well, my x husband did... my current husband is still shiney new and hasn't quite gotten used to all my quirks, but he does accept them just fine. He happens to have the toilet paper issue, if I put the roll on with the paper "down" he'll come after me and flip it around. So, he's got his own and I deal with his and he deals with mine, but there is still a bit of the learning curve to get past.

It really depends on what you want from your life insurance plan. There are two types of life insurance polices, whole and term. With whole life insurance policies there is a monetary accrual that builds into the pay out amount of your life insurance. It has a cash value. Term life insurance is set for specific periods of time and has no cash value. Whole life typically is more expensive but it lasts until death or the age of 100, whichever comes first. Term life insurance lasts for the length of time you choose to buy the policy. Whole life is more expensive. Term life is less expensive. Both can have medical or non-medical exams. Depending upon the value of the policy can influence that though...

The intention of life insurance is NOT to be a savings plan or college plan or retirement plan. It is intended to care for and cover the costs of your loved ones in the instance of your untimely death. So, to determine what you need in insurance you should ask yourself the following questions:

1. If my spouse died today, would I want to be able to pay off the mortgage so that I don't have to worry about it?

2. If my spouse died today, how much of their salary would I need to pay the bills and not be short every month for x number of months?

3. If my spouse died today, would I want enough money to be able to put into education funds, or pay for the education of my children?

4. If my spouse died today, how much would I need to cover our current debts?

Add up the above information and that is what you need for today. (if you want that much). You may not need the same amount in 10 years or 20 years.

Your mortgage is higher now, in theory, in 20 years, you won't have as much to pay. In 10 years or 15 or 5 your children will be out of college. As we age and our financial obligations change things may get cheaper (typically) mortgage amounts decrease, hopefully debts decrease and the costs of our children decrease.

You can pick and choose things to add to your insurance policies... like automatic inflation riders, where every year or cycle there will be an increase in the face value of the policy, as well as the premium, that way your $ increases along with inflation.

My X husband and I went with Term life. We have 10 year riders, 15 and 20 year rides. What that means is, for the first 10 years we are both insured for over 300,000 USD. That means we have the most coverage now, during this period of high mortgage, children's education, etc. Our premium is 90 bucks a month. We had to have medical's which were urinalysis and blood test because our face values are high. In 10 years, we'll drop the 10 year rider, our policies will drop to about 200 or 250k and the premium will drop to 70 or so.

If you stop paying on your insurance you will lose your policies and have to reapply for insurance. So it is always best to get the right amount of insurance to cover the right things as early as possible as that will save you the most money.

Now, as far as payment options go. You can pay monthly, quarterly, semi-annually, annually or lump sum. The more money you give them at a time, the more you can get from your money. Sometimes just paying them twice a year can bump up your face value or can lower what the monthly premium would have been. Monthly premiums are ALWAYS the most expensive.

I have attended and passed the Life and Health/Accident insurance programs in the state of Minnesota. I don't sell insurance, but I scored over a 90 on my test

I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have. Oh, as an aside, different states have different plans available so not all plans will be the same depending upon the state regulations for your area.

Cheers!

The MN Couple

I thought it would be interesting to find out the wierd habits people have.

I will always fill my pan up with cold water when I go to boil water.

When eating I always finishing up one dish before moving on to the next, like eating all my potatoes before moving on to the stuffing.

I have lots of little quirks. My parents and brother are all used to them and just go with the flow. My younger daughter has Asperger's and my mother tells me that if they'd had that in the open when I was a kid, that's what I would have had too

Anyway:

1. Errands must always be ran in a circle or square pattern. I always plan out what errands I need to run them and run them in the order that will circle around to the beginning. If I forget one of the errands and miss it. I will not go back to it. I'll just do it on another day. If I'm running errands with the family and they are hungry or want a snack, they can only choose locations that are on the route, I don't go back.

2. When walking down a fair, carnival, flea market, etc. I walk down one side of the aisle and up the other. I do not zig zag across the aisle/lane as things catch my interest.

3. I must brush my teeth first thing in the morning. I can't start my morning ritual without first brushing my teeth.

4. When I pump gas the numbers must end on 00 25 50 or 75... I am ok with 10 70, etc sometimes. But it bothers me when it lands on a number like 34.

5. I always mute commercials.

6. I eat my food in a particular order. Vegetables first, then the carbs and then the protein. Every now and then I'll take a little bite of the others to taste them, but I have to primarily eat them in that order. I do not like my food touching at all.

7. I have to wear socks 90% of the time when I'm at home.

8. I have some wierd compulsion that I have to ask my children every day of school (when they get home, usually in the car as I'm picking them up from daycare) as to what they had for lunch. One day I didn't ask my older daughter and she was like, "what, mom, you don't care anymore? You didn't ask me what I had for lunch when I got home!"

9. If you interrupt me during my dedicated reading time... beware. I am very short-tempered and often pretty darn b**chy about it.

I've got a few others, but there is a handful of the ones that come to mind right now

I will agree though, that posing such awkward questions can be fun, for a while

oh yeah, awkward position questions can be lots of fu... wait, nm you said posing awkward questions. That's not nearly as much fun.

Wow, it's unfortunate that you are learning all of this now. Are you both planning on a divorce at this point or what are you both thinking for next steps. If she has moved out, then things might already be heading down that path.

If I may ask, what is your country of origin and what visa did you come to the states on?