RaspberrySwirl

I know everyone is telling you to leave him, but I also know that until you believe that, it won't do much to hear other people talk ###### about him.
So, my loving, supportive advice to you is the following: take care of yourself and your daughter right now. You might not be at the point where you can leave him, and that decision needs to be a decision that you make yourself and an empowering step for you.
Do what it takes to do what is right for the two of you. Take a vacation with her, stay with a friend... treat yourself to a spa night... write down all the things that you deserve as a human being and a bright, strong woman. Write down what you need to be happy and whole, and ask yourself what steps you can and are willing to take to get there or at what point you are willing to leave.
People can tell you left and right to leave him, but it's meaningless unless you get to that point and believe it is the right thing.
What do you need to be in a healthy relationship? Are you in one now? Do you think you deserve to be in a healthy relationship? Do you think your daughter deserves to be in a healthy and functioning family?
What have you already given up of yourself? You say you have already begun to lose yourself-- how much more of you can you afford to lose while still being a mother to your daughter? How much of you are you willing to give up? Are you able to put your foot down and stand up for your own self worth and needs as a partner, mother, wife, and individual?
It's hard to leave someone you love. It sounds like you still love him, and that is understandable. Don't get mad at yourself for caring about him-- that's normal. You invested years of your life to build something together with him. You share a child. You shared yourself, you gave, you sacrificed, and you gave yourself to your relationship. If it was easy to leave him or to stop loving him, it means that you didn't have anything in the first place. It's not something you can just walk away from.
But it sounds like you need to take steps to take care of yourself and your daughter. You are in an unacceptable situation right now, and it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself and her. Nobody else can do that for you, nobody else can make that decision for you. And no matter what those steps are, my wish and hope for you is that you, maybe with the help of a counselor or therapist can do the following:
- Accept that you and your daughter are people who deserve respect, who are worthy of love and support, and who are doing the best that you can. Accept that you do not deserve to be treated badly. You deserve better.
- Accept that it is your responsibility to make a plan, whatever that plan may be, to get yourselves out of this painful situation. Take whatever energy you have to follow the plan. If it means trying to make things better, then fine... but know you have to be firm and set ground rules and you cannot allow things to get back to how they are now. If it means a plan to eventually leave, or take a break, or have a trial separation, then you do what you have to do, you set deadlines for things, and you do it. Nobody else can do this step for you or make you do it. It is your responsibility.
- Put all of the energy that you have into yourself and your daughter and taking care of yourselves. Again-- whether it's a spa night, moving in with a friend for awhile, a mini-vacation, a shopping spree, girls' nights in...whatever it takes and whatever you have the resources and time and energy for, you need to take care of yourselves.
- Allow yourself to grieve, to suffer, to cry, and to think that life isn't fair. Don't beat yourself up for being upset. You gave yourself to make something work that isn't working. You gave your love to someone who is unable right now to give it back. You have given a piece of yourself and lost it. You have lost a lover and a friend and it sounds like a relationship. You don't have to accept it and be strong and move on-- the fact that you gave so much means that you have a RIGHT to grieve it. It means that it was and is worth something. It shows that you care. You have a right to cry, a right to be angry, a right to let some things that aren't important in the long run go (as long as you and your daughters' needs are met), and by all means, the right to express things.
And if you can't stand up for yourself right now, then use your daughter and draw strength from her-- from you as a mother protecting and standing up for your child.
I hope that this doesn't come across condescending or harmful. I have been reading this thread for the last few days and my heart aches every time I read it. I say this to you with all of the good wishes and love that an internet stranger can give, and I truly wish you and your daughter peace in your process, wherever it takes you.