Sweet_Seoul

Thank you all for your replies. Even though I have not posted in the last week, I have been keeping up and reading here. Lots of good advice. I have gone through many different decisions in my head and out loud to my husband. I have also spoken to some family about what I was feeling and what was has been going on in the relationship now and prior to him coming here.

Over the last few days, things between us escalated at times got out of control. I truly thought that it was going to be over. At the time it was happening I start to feel resolve about the marriage falling apart, but I also felt stupid and thought about how stupid I would look to everyone. I realized that this was a major reason for me holding on to the relationship. I also truly was manipulated in my head in thinking that most ALL the problems were caused from me, or could only be fixed by me. But I dont think this way anymore. I talk to my mother and told her how I feel like I am in an abusive relationship. No he is not physically beating me or anything, but I am still feeling mentally abused. Someone from here told me that when in an emotional abusive relationship u really dont have a CLEAR defining point to realize that you need to get out of the relationship...unlike physical abuse...when someone has beat you, its clear and concise and you can make your mind up that this is the last straw. For me, I did not know what was supposed to be the last straw.

I realize that my situation is now not uncommon and many women go through this. My decision is not fully made, but I have decided that I too am apart of this marriage and therefore I have every right to want something decent and loving and true out of it. I no longer can accept his response of wanting me to do this and do that to create his happiness. He is a miserable person who makes others around him miserable. He and I both recognize that he is suffering from some sort of depression that has gotten much worse since being here. I no longer accept that he can say harsh and ugl things about my character just to make himself feel better, or just to lower myself esteem and place me in some sort of control. This however has not fully stopped him from saying harsh things. The statement of me not being a "woman" has come back up again. This time stating that my 12 year old sister is more of a woman than I because she offered and served him a drink at Christmas dinner. I hate to sound judgemental, but I truly see he has Third World Country mentality. He is sexist and thinks woman to be lesser in certain regards, or thinks that things that make them a woman is specifically defined as to how they treat a man.

I disagree! I am a woman regardless of if MAN was ever invented. I am not made a woman, but born one. What I do know is that I am a wife ONLY when I have a husband. I cannot be a wife no matter how hard I try if I do not have a husband....and right now I do not think i have a husband in my home. I have an insecure, stubborn and arrogant man. My only choice is to wait to see if he realizes what he is doing. Other than that, i can only continue to do what I was doing. I can try to be a WIFE to the best of my ability, but without a husband it is surely impossible. I am no longer afraid or embarrassed to leave and end this marriage if it truly does not change.

Brit Abroad,

Thank you so much for that advice. You gave me some really good options and some intersting things to think about when it comes to this. I have sat him down and told him the behaviour must stop....so that option is no longer valid for me, cause he has not stopped. The idea of me depising him if nothing changes on his part is one that I really didnt even think of. Even if i do decide to stay in what is seeming to be a really bad situation, EVENTUALLY i will hate him. I won't love him anymore, I'll be really hurt and messed up and I'll have nothing to show for it except lost years of my life. I hate the idea of spending more money to get him out the house but I guess that would have to be. Better to spend it now than later.

I dont think i treat him differently because of his culture, and I honestly didnt think i was someone who took a lot of nonsense in a relationship, but i somehow got caught in one like this. I guess it was because the relationship started off a bit uncommon. He wasnt someone I met here, and since he was foreign, the whole GC thing was in the mix, and instantly my fam made remarks about that before knowing him. Those remarks made me shut them down and so I started out in this defend him mode from the beginning of the relationship and soon the lines blurred as to where I should stop defending him. Lots of things he said put me down as a person and they were things that were quite personal to me, so I was hesitant to talk about them to other friends or family. I tried to fix them myself in the relationship. My family absolutely adores him now too! I mean everybody. UGH! At first I thought that it meant he's a really personable man, and anyone would like him if they got to know him. But then there were those problems he had with me, that no one else know about. I thought that I was the only different factor in his mood change and personality change so I figured it must be something wrong in ME that he gets so upset with me about. Now i am starting to think he is just one of those "charmer" guys and we all were being duped. That makes me so mad and depressed at the same time.

He has been acting very quiet lately. I guess trying to shake the boat. He tries to have conversation at times, but I feel its very akward for me cause we have no resolution. I cant just go with him talking nice and being nice if there is really nothing solved. its sad that its Christmas time. I bought all knew Christmas lights and decorations and a tree to make him feel the Christmas spirit as he says he misses, and now the whole Christmas time for me has been anquish and heartache. This is what I'll remember for Christmas now.

He knows people here in the US. They are in another state. Its old family friends. I really think that he may have always been planning to go visti them and stay there. I am going to ask if that is where he wants to go.

As long as you recognize that it is not and never was you that was / is the cause of this behavior, then I suspect the two of you can work on the actual issue, which is - a guy is pretty demasculated (is that the right spelling??) between arrival in the US and finding/gaining a meaningful place in US society which makes it VERY difficult to make the transition. Some guys approach it differently and unfortunatly this one is taking his feelings of helplessness out on you. There is always an underlying, personal issue behind abusive behavior, and until that is recognized and addressed by the person who perpetuates the behavior (the one who is doing it) it never stops or ends. My rambling is only a guess of the underlying cause after all.

The key here is that YOU cannot fix this. So many try (and some have posted here) for years and fail to fix something that can only be fixed by the other person. You are owed the chance and opportunity to explain to him how his actions are affecting you and making you feel, and he is owed the chance to recognize this for what it is and truly (that means sincere effort) work on dealing with his issues in a positive way. He may not even know or realize what (men are very SLOW and even obtuse sometimes in these things) Giving him the opportunity to recognizing that what is being done is wrong for the marriage and unacceptable to you, and the opportunity to find another outlet for his frustration, should be all he gets and all he is owed. The desire to change is up to the person responsible for that change. There is no responsibility on your part to put up with this behavior, only to open his eyes to it. Please keep that in mind no matter what happens.

I dont know you, but you must be a man. Thank you for your words cause it sounds like you really have an understanding for what goes on in the head of a man. And I am clueless to that on most occassions, so its good to hear a mans perspective.

Just an update.....

...I spoke to my husband last night. I could not go home and act normal yesterday after reading all these posts here. So I decided to talk to him about what I wrote here. I read my original post to him, word by word. Shockingly he said "wow, if I read that I would be calling the police for that lady right away." I didnt understand him but he said that it sounded like the lady needed real help. He sort of thought my post was biased and that i only mentioned the bad stuff. I told him it wasnt biased but it was just how i feel and i wanted to ask people if this is ok. He did not deny that the things I said were actually the bad things he said to me. he cannot deny that, I did not lie to you all...he has said them. At first I think he kind of saw the extent of my hurt, but he was also angry. Saying that he does not mean to hurt me when he tells me these things its just how he feels and some of the things are just hard to talk about without hurting my feelings. I guess that is true.

I went over many of the words said on here with him. He thought some of you made good assessments of what it was that he was going thru. For me I read about the other women who were in this situation and how it was abuse and i cannot belive that i am in a relationship like that. I never thought myself to be the type. So its hard for me to accept that maybe this is that kind of relationship. So I give him the benifit of the doubt. But I also have gotten really great advice and more confidence from reading these posts.

I told him that I now realize that I cannot make him love me. THAT is one thing that he really needs to do on his own. I can show him love and do things that make him like me, but he has to actually work at continue loving me, cause that is what i do, and it is very hard for me at most times. I told him if I cannot even have the basics of a marriage....a man that loves me...then I do not have hope or any need to fight for the marriage anymore. I suggested we seperate. I asked him for suggestions to the problems and he has none. I told him I now feel better to talk to my family about the probelms we have had. I was embarrassed but after talking to u all i feel more confident to do so. I no longer care if it is embarassing.

The other day he asked if i believe that he loves me....i said no. He said that he does but just says stupid ignorant things cause he's so confused by how he feels and has no idea why he is so unhappy, but he really does see that he loves me and hates hurting me, even though he knows that he is hurting me. I still do not believe him, cause i need to see actions from him. I guess we'll try the seperation thing. I think he should go back to his home and take time to figure out who he is. He seems very lost inside and needing to be alone to get a better grip on real life and who he is.

I hate to think that this was such a waste, but I realize that he was not fighting for this and i cannot fight alone.

Tell him he smells like kim chee and garlic and has flat azz but you loved him anyway. then tell him to Fck ofs!!

Oh! lol! This really made me laugh cause I know what that smells like. Thank you for that laugh. Its nice to know that I can find some humor and laughter in me after all of this.

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

I was hurt when he said this. I couldnt see how he could conclude a divorce was needed before we even really began the marriage. Honsetly I thought he was being selfish at the time and immature for thinking that so early on. I told him we need to start living as a normal couple and really getting used to one another. I really dont know how to convince him that we love one another. I tell him that I still love him, even after he hurts me cause i can remember the better days and I can have hope for what is to come, but I really dont know how to make him see this for himself. I do have major trust issues with him now. I feel I cant beileve what he says. Even after the many times he said he is not in love, just this weekend he said that he didnt mean that and that he just says bad things cause he's so confused by what he feels. But this doenst take away that I heard my husband say he does not love me.

Oh yes I agree. Many people don't open up sexual because of their faith. However, marriage is the place to be open and vunerable. As long as you aren't putting yourself in a place of being unsafe.

You mentioned different positions and oral. Those don't seem freaky to me but normal. Do you think because you're unable to open up in those ways he is showing this anger towards you? I'm not excusing his behavior because if he married you he had to know you felt the way you did and should be offering to help you get more comfortable in that area.

Whats wierd is honestly I feel like I am more experienced than him. I have no problem with oral or different positions what so ever. its when he says things like "just normal sex"...and says it with disgust like its so horrible to just have standard missionary position sex. Or to have sex like 4+ times a week without oral is horrible sex. I thought many men would be happy with having sex at least that much. So I start to feel wierd and dirty or uncomfortable about sex when I have never been uptight sexually before. its sort of like he is forcing me to do it a certain way whether or not I am in the mood for it that way or not, so then I just feel wierd about the sex act altogehter....does that make sense? So this actually makes my desire less and we end up having sex maybe 1-2 times a week.

Yes this sucks especially if he is using your faith against you but not against himself. You can't be a Christian and not look at yourself. It takes two people to make or break a marriage and it sounds like you've done all you can. I personally don't feel a woman should do everything to keep a happy home. It has to be both parties commited to the same goals. When you tell him you deserve better treatment how does he respond?

He tells me that in the beginning of the relationship he felt as if he was the one giving and giving. I know that he was much more affectionate and nicer then, but I was affectionate too. Like i said holding his hands giving him hugs, texting him love note and i miss yous, sending cards. But he had a hard time with the seperation an seemed to start to nit pick at me when he was not satisfied with how his life was going at the time. He eventually started to say that he felt I was not giving him enough to "sustain him". I dont know what he means by sustain. But now when i tell him what I want he tells me he is spent and feels like he cannot give to me until i make him feel better in the relationship, and then I tell him I feel drained and that its now getting very hard for me to continue to give to him with the same drive an enthusiasm....and then thats how we get in that bad circle all over again.

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

He does not have friends here. Just knows my family. I know that he is lonely and misses home, and speaking his langauge to family and sort of feels out of place here. But since I know that, I already feel bad for him and try to provide things to get him to feel better.

I am starting to feel a bit better in understanding that this all is not my fault. I was very worried that it was. He has read some personal journals of mine and in it it mentions past relationships and he has tried to use that against me....saying that the same problems i had with them i am having with him because I dont know how to give a man what he desires in a woman....affection, nuturing, sex, love. So I start to think that maybe he is right. But I swear that I really want to give those things to him as best I can.

As far as what he does for me. Well he can be a ver sweet man, but he can be ver demanding at times also...almost like split personality which makes me walk on egg shells cause I am not sure when the mean side will come out. He does cook sometimes, and does yardwork, but thats all stuff that doesnt help me feel secure. I would like for him to just show me more of a loving spirit. He used to make like 10% or less than what I make so I didnt marry him for riches and all, just married him for love and companionship, and to have someone as my rock and such. So thats all I want....but like I said...he says he cannot give until I make him feel better in the relationship. So this is why I think we may be hopeless.

I dont know....I am just rambling. I cant really focus at work today and typing all this al talking to you all is just giving me a bit of relief. Sorry if I sound so "woe is me", but its my marriage and I didnt enter it lightly so its not as easy to just leave or tell him to hit the road. I just want to get him to see my pain and see that it could get better if he just helped to lift me up sometimes. I would do anything for him if he just made me feel secure in this relationship.

That's a pretty sad story. I would guess, without knowing many facts, that he's experiencing feelings of inadequacy because he's depending on you for everything, then overcompensating for that - without realizing how or why, by giving you a hard time about things that have nothing to do with the true source of his inadequate feelings. I suspect that this is a way to "show his manhood" to make up for dependence on you (again, guessing)

Either way, the problem is not yours, but his - and the best way through it is to try to get him to open up to discussion of the true problem, which is when a guy is depending on his wife for everything like he has to, and has to 'reverse roles' from a cultural standpoint, there is a discontentment there that then becomes applicable to the relationship and everything around it. You will likely see improvement as he gains some independence, but until then he likely isn't going to be satisfied with ANYTHING.

Whether you choose to put up with that - is up to you. There is certainly no excuse for the way you are being treated, and no that is not normal in a healthy marriage.

You actually said what he told me the other day. He has expressed a discontentment with having to depend on me for everything. I buy him clothing cause he has no winter clothes, give him spending cash, pay all the bills, take him to the movies and dinner, buy all the groceries. Then on top of that I cook clean work have sex. But he has told me that he feels horribly for not being able to take me out or buy me things and it just gets him down. He says he sees all that I do for him and understands that it is a lot and he should just be happy for that, but in turn it creates the exact opposite effect on him and he then resents me and gets angry at himself and me for doing all this stuff for him...cause basically it is just reminding him about how much he cant do it himself.

Like I said...he is from a culture where the man is sort of the provider in a sense and the woman takes care of his every need. Not sure if this is the best course for a relationship but its what he is used to. So I understand what you say. I do think you are right. That until he starts working and gaining a feeling of dependence from me he will be unsatisfied.

well im not married and have no clue about sex before or after marraige but i have my own ideas maybe wrong maybe right i dont know but i dont think that a man has the right to say he dont love u just cuz HE is having some problems sexually. Does that mean that he would love u again if his sexual problems are resolved?

love is about more than sex sure im told its a big part of marraige and im looking forward to finding out but i think that love has to do with a whole lot more than sex.

and the reason i say his sexual problem is because i dont hear u complaining about the sex but about every other word was his complaints

i have no idea if this is a mena man or not but if it is or isnt he has a lot of growing up to do and he is for sure treating u wrong.

men need to try to be understanding if the wife is working and dead beat when she returns home it kind of seems to me like he expects u to just cheer up when u first get home and no time to relax and unwind what does he do all day long? sara

Thank you for your response.

He has told me that yes he would learn to love me again if he was sexually satisfied. I dont think that is right either, but he says that a man weighs his relationship heavily on how satisfied he is in the bedroom and that if the bedroom is good then other problems in the relationship dont affect him as much and that he is overall more happy.

No he is not a MENA man, but he is from a developing country where women are known to do above and beyond for their men, and men are still known to stray. I guess he does not see me as being this person who's sole life is to make him happy....which is how most women in his country are because they do not work, just stay home with kids, cook clean, satisfy in the bedroom...even if they know their man in cheating...they evntually take him back.

Yes I do work everyday, its just what most women do in this country. I am not defined by my career so I am not an overly dependent women whos job comes before her marriage. I'd love to be at home and he works. Its not possible now. He is not working....still looking. He spends his day at home, or looking for jobs out in the neighborhood. He does make the bed and do laundry...doesnt fold it, but when i call him thru the day he asks what I am making for dinner. I come home and cook...even though he may cook once a week. Once he got mad at me for not serving him a drink even though i came home from work cooked and served him a meal. he also got mad when we went to a movie, that i paid for or course and when I went to go get popcorn and drink he got mad that I chose a drink he did not like I just feel like he doesnt appreciate things or see the sacrifice.....that feeling of course makes it harder for me to give him more of me when he asks.

I sometimes feel like I cannot breathe and that i am having an anxiety attack.

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.