GwizCraig

Thanks,

Sorry that I called you a judgemental crow, your opinion like many others helped to reach what I feel is the right answer.

All's well that ends well. Best of luck to you!

Ok folks, have a little updating to do here.

Much like how one should not drunk-dial, I should not have posted angry. I had recieved some pretty harsh responses and many who really worked at trying to get me to understand. It is what I was seeking, all deserved. Thank-you to all who e-mailed and posted.

Understand that I had gotten what felt like a real bomb dropped on me and she did not explain herself well. Her reasons pointed back to me, it was her defense trying to justify it to me. This only frusterated me more because I felt I was not getting a straight answer. Communication is so difficult and being so far away, from different cultures, not having much "real" time together leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings. I did cut our chat short because I did not want to say anything that would hurt her or that I would later regret. I know to take a day to blow off so that I can think rational. So...after taking in what everyone has said, we spoke today. I had to kind of walk her though it a little, she is quiet. If there is one reccomendation I can give people. When you want something, sell the idea. Demanding something from someone only makes someone feel slighted and unappreciated.

Much like how many pointed out. It is not the desire to spend Christmas with her family over me. Much of her would rahter spend the holidays with me as a family. She sees this as a last chance that she will spend with her family ( she thought 5 years before she will be able to return, I think it is more like 2 ). Had she expressed this differently, eased into it and prefaced it better, I would not have have felt so hurt. It just came accross hard and harsh. Knowing this I want her to spend the holidays with her family. Her happiness is very important to me and I do love her. There is nothing more that I want than to spend Christmas with her and our child. This is not going to be easy for me, I don't think it is going to be easy for her either. While I will spend mine with friends, missing her and our child. I know that I will feel so much better knowing that she is savoring this Christmas with her family.

Thanks again to all those who posted.

Why should I not have trouble with this? Is that what you would choose? So many tell me that they would want to be at their spouses side, I know that I want to spend the holidays with them. You talk big for someone who is not in my shoes.

Then you shouldn't have trouble to let your fiancee to stay with her family this Xmass 2009. She'll stay with you forever.(Hopefully she will)

Do the consular birth abroad. It will be done and approved long before the K-1.

My American fiance and I just have a 3-months old baby boy together. We applied for K-1 last month and we listed our son on Part B, question 13 of the I-129F and included copy of his birth certificate in the application too. My question is what are the chances of our visa getting approved? Do we still need to file for a consular report of birth for his citizenship?

I have heard amazing comments about the visa journey community with regards to enlightening members more about immigration issues. I am posting this with great hope that you could help me out about my concerns. Thank you!!!

We did use protection, I could explain but I don't feel that is important and it is a bit personal. I don't feel that I am "trashing" her, but I am quite upset with her recent decision. Xmas is important, who does not want to spend the holidays with their family? It just amplifies my desire to be with my family, I want to be with them now. But I feel there are many reasons why I feel the way I do, her changing of the plan was the straw that broke the camels back.

GwizCraig, you're saying she was your friend and not comfortable with her. Why you didn't use condom? Personally, I think.. you do like her and there's something you like about her. Don't trash your future wife because this is not good. Don't deceive her.

I understand you want to be with your child. Don't use Xmass as a reason because isn't really very important.

While I will moderate and make sure what we give is justified ( college tuition, boarding house, reasonable food costs and expenses ) I will support her family like it is my own, I want to see them succeed in life. As for the slight extravagence, most of what I have done is for her, I love her and wanted her to be confortable through a very difficult time. Thank goodness men don't get pregnant

my wifes visa should be here before christmas, so as I read this I asked her if she would like to spend one last christmas there with her family. (which she is also very close with ). her reply was spending x-mas here with our sons and our new family was her choice and priority. it really sucks when you make plans and someone changes them mid-stream. but that shouldn't be a reason to back out of the relationship. but if you are not 100% sure and still want to try to make it work. then this might be a good time to look into a prenuptual contract. have some patiance and try to understand she is probrably scared to leave. and her family is her comfort zone. now is the time to find your comfort zone. it does seem like you expect something for what you have given to the family. my question is, when and if she moves with you, do you still intend to do so much for the family on a regular basis ? or are you just trying to buy their support ?

We professed our love for each other before we found out she was pregnant. And still do today. I do love her but worry about our future, I am a guy who works with knowns and rarely takes chances. I also like to stick to a plan and don't like chaos. So this causes me to have "cold feet" as well. I don't blame her for being apprehensive but I should not be chastised for feeling that way either. I have only expressed to her at this time that I am unhappy that we will not be spending the holidays together, and that is where I am going to leave it. I do think she should communicate better and work harder to make me feel like I am family. If I don't start feeling more confident that we have a future, I don't think I can do this. Thank-you to everyone who has responded, it has given me food for thought. I would like to give a special thanks to those people who e-mailed me. It is understandable why many of you don't want to post your thoughts and feelings. I would say I learned much more from those who spoke to me in confident.

Thank-you very much. Everyone wants to paint me as a materialistic man-child. I will admit reading my own writing I might feel the same. But I wanted to show that I have done everything I can to contribute and be there for her. And it is less about 1 month than her actions. This is what has caused me to stress. I wanted 0 time, be together as soon as it was possible. Granted I had an ideal of all of us spending Christmas together but is not the crux of the issue. It is her change of attitude and makes me question if she is dedicated to this. I would rather she take all the time if that is necessary for her to figure it out. I can't tell if I'm getting an honest answer from her. I think she would tell me the same response regardless if her feelings are true or not. I'd like to believe they are but I pose my argument with this. Tell me there is not a chance she feels compelled/obligated to tell me she loves me. While I like to believe her, I worry that her judgement might be "clouded" as well because of our child. Getting married to me is a serious thing, a lifetime comittment. I don't need to go messing up our child, her life nor mine by getting into a realtionship that is going to fail.

Wow. This would be a great story about 2 cultures coming together or the problems of 2 cultures coming together. Unfortunately this is real life and not just a story.

My fiance, Cherel, who is filipana happens to agree with "GwizCraig". She feels like the GF should growup. She applied for the VISA, she got approved, she should be ready to go to the States on a moments notice. She thinks that it is ridiculous for the GF to delay this.

I happen to feel badly for the GF in this situation. I imagine that her family is putting an unbearable amount of pressure on her to just stay with them for this one last xmas. She is probably looking for some support and understanding from "GwizCraig". I imagine she is quite scared to move away from the only home she has ever known.

Why don't you just set a firm date after the New Year for her to be here. When she arrives you can set up an xmas tree together, celebrate it on the 25th of January and have a wonderful story to tell your child when he/she is older. (Santa actually came to visit you in the Phils and the States for your 1st Xmas).

I can understand your desire to be with your child for the first xmas, I can understand you not being able to fly over there due to work, but be a man about this. The holidays come every year. You have the rest of your life to be with her and the child. Make her happy. This is about her.

Bob

I don't know. I feel compelled to do what is right for my child. This clouds things. I would like to think that we would have naturally fallen in love, but I don't know. I care for her deeply but don't feel that I really know her. We have spoken just about every day and up until today, she kept telling me that she wanted to spend the holidays with me. I know people want to tell me it does not matter. I dare anyone to watch their child grow over a cam and not be upset when you get the opportunity to be together and the person in the way is the one that is supposed to love you. I feel that I have already missed out on too much, her sudden reversal has left me hurt and confused.

I am not a crow, and not judgmental. I am observant, however. You were friends. Admitted. Then the "act" changed all of that. Why is not possible for you to see that while you accelerated the status of the relationship as a result of that "act" that doesn't mean to say that the committment to be together was borne out of love for one another? So, you admit that you did not expect things to go as they did. In other words, had she not become impregnated, you might not have decided to marry?

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

Thank-you Mitch. I do see how I came accross that way. But just trying to put the facts out there. I guess I have felt like I keep putting myself out there but not feeling reassured. It is not about the money but giving my future to someone whom I am not 100% comfortable with. If the situation was reversed I would want to be by her side with our child. They are my family, it is not about money, is about love and dedication. This is what bugs me.

Real love is unconditional. Sounds like you think she OWES you something. Nice love. Sounds more like a business negotiation in which case, you definitely should come out on top - but love isn't business, man. Asking a Philipina to be away from her family, let alone move to another country, is big business (I have filipino friends...) - I'm surprised you haven't realized that yet after all your visits. And all you HAVE realized is that YOU feel excluded. Not nice, but if you love the girl #######-for-tat is not the way to approach these problems - she will never be able to repay you for all you've done for her family and if you keep a tally she's gonna lose every argument in the future (if you decide to have a future-right now you're winning so I'd say it's safest for HER if you quit while you're ahead) - your response is probably that you will be happy if she'll just come for Christmas and all will be fine - but your attitude and speech has already betrayed you - if she comes and you marry her, you two will have future arguments - and I feel sorry for her because if she caves to your selfishness now, she'll indeed have to cave in every other argument when out from your argumentary arsenal comes the "$100K/nice house in Arizona/financially supporting half of the Phillipines"...how can she fight that? It's nice that you help/ed her family, but no one forced you to do that, and if you did it for love you WON'T use it as ammunition!!!

You've proven to be a man-sized child pouting because he can't see his child (who won't know the difference between Dec 25 and Jan 25) on one day of the year! Come on! This woman doesn't know when she'll see her family again! (oh, I'm sure you can afford to fly her home once a year, but if YOU won't go there for Christmas I guess you probably won't let her go either...gotta conserve that college fund...) And seriously, what's so bad about celebrating later? The day isn't what matters, it's being together...and one more thing. You seem to think that your money, house, country and stubborn/arrogant/yet-oh-so-generous love is somehow equal to the value of her family and that the two are interchangeable! Ditch the materialistic attitude and stop your double-standard jibberish! (your "#######!" response to "She wants to be with her family for Christmas" is a disgusting hypocritical reaction to you not getting what you want - you feel that YOU being with YOUR child, who doesn't know the difference, is justified, but HER being with HER entire family is worthy of "#######!") If she needs one more Christmas with her fam, give it to her...and use that $100K to have a fine New Year's celebration with her and the baby - and think about how you'd feel if your child grows up, falls in love with a foreigner, decides to move away to another country. Wouldn't you like to have one more Christmas with YOUR child? (when the child is actually old enough to appreciate it) If you really love someone, you'll keep giving....Thank you for suggesting we not bash your fiance but it was completely unnecessary as you've set yourself up as a big enough target.

Tip: Don't flaunt your wealth as reason for your fiance to want to live here or love you. Many people have happy lives without any of that and and your STUFF won't guarantee her any happiness if she leaves her home and family with regrets. This is primarily about you and her, but my mom had guilt about leaving her own family, and it has the potential to destroy a home. Don't let your selfishness do that to your future.

p.s. of course, if she keeps insisting on having the next few holidays with her family, I might assume she's stalling, but at this point her staying for Christmas is completely valid and you just need to suck it up, walk around your big house, browse through your last few paychecks, check out those sunny skies of Arizona and be thankful you aren't the one who has to leave what's most important to them.

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

Yes, the pregnancy was unplanned. A gift for her family to witness. The child has a father, grandparents and relatives here too who would like to share in the experience. It is not like she will not be able to return when ever she wants. What about them celebrating Christmas early? I have been very supportive of her and her family so far. Her father would be very ill right now if I did not step up and put him in the hospital ( turned out to be kidney stones ) he did not want to go. She would be sharing a boarding room with three siblings if I did not over rule her mother ( was tenious ) and pay for an apartment. I've had a hand in putting the two siblings through college and they still have one more to go. Lord knows what kind of care our child would be getting without my support. I realize there will be plenty of angry women at me but let me make this clear, it is responses like yours that make me lean more toward bailing. I don't have to take the risk, I have stayed in this because I choose to. Against what I really want, I can choose not to. Some women wonder why men run, lady your attitude is the reason.

How unsympathetic!! The pregnancy was unplanned, and yet a wonderful gift for her family to witness. The child's grandparents have only a short time to get to know their grandchild before he/she is whisked off to another world. It's not as if the trip is being cancelled. Yes, sure, it would be nice to spend the holidays with your newborn, but the newborn will be completely unaware that it is Christmas. Why not exhibit your resilience, and have your fiancée enjoy Christmas together and then celebrate your "own" Christmas when the two of them arrive? It's not like it is completely uncommon for Christmas decorations and trees to still be alight in April, for goodness sakes.

Thanks so far, wanting to see how others see this. Is so hard to think clearly when you're in the middle of it all

To update a few questions asked.

Her visa just got approved ( child has dual citizenship ), which is when she dropped this bomb on me.

I do my best to not make money an issue, so paying for a flight there is not the issue. Realistically money does matter, have a college fund to start I would rather avoid paying for a flight there when she should just come here, after all that was the plan. Will have a whole new set of expenses when she gets here. My flying there for the holidays is impossible because I used all my vacation time going over there to meet her family earlier in the year.

Thank-you Sundrop,

You are correct in many ways. I do feel very unappreciated for what I have done this far. It is easier to point out through financial contributions but I have also done my best to be available to her, day and night. What I have written here, I have not said to her. Going through the pregnancy was very difficult for us both. Undoubtedly more so for her, but is no cake walk for me to feel so helpless and unable to share in the experience. Our child is almost 1/2 a year old now, our visa application has had about every delay possible. According to the average time, I was expecting her here long by now. We kept talking and I kept hoping. We both spoke of how nice it would be to be together for the holidays. While she kept losing faith through this process ( like I said, every delay possible is very discouraging, why they kept losing our paperwork...another story ), I tried to be the good cheerleader and tell her that this would work out. Even though I had the same fears as she did, speaking of being together for the holidays gave me strength to go on as well. I have traveled and spent time in foreign countries, months not years, and mind you not the nicest places. I know what it is to want a real bed and a coke instead of dirt and water. But I don't see the difference when you start, if you're going to do it... Delaying tells me that there is a lack of commitment and she has changed her story now that it is about to be reality. This knee jerk reaction is causing me to question everything. All the time I'm watching our child grow up over YM, I guess I've just hit my limit too.

Thanks so far, wanting to see how others see this. Is so hard to think clearly when you're in the middle of it all

To update a few questions asked.

Her visa just got approved ( child has dual citizenship ), which is when she dropped this bomb on me.

I do my best to not make money an issue, so paying for a flight there is not the issue. Realistically money does matter, have a college fund to start I would rather avoid paying for a flight there when she should just come here, after all that was the plan. Will have a whole new set of expenses when she gets here. My flying there for the holidays is impossible because I used all my vacation time going over there to meet her family earlier in the year.

I had a long winded story but opted to just give the facts, still long enough.

1) Trip to Philippines resulted in my friend at the time getting pregnant

2) Have spent around $15K in the last year in a second trip to meet the family and supporting her. ( new apartment, furniture, food, medical bills, k-1 processing... )

3) Applied for K-1 visa ( I've done most of the work until recently ) She has has to fly to the capital to do medical, interview for her and our new born.

4) The wait is finally over! Everything is approved! Is what we all work tirelessly for and dream of. I wanted so bad to have her and our child here for Thanksgiving and through the holidays.

5) She tells me that she wants to spend Christmas with her family.

6) #######!

Now I want to be as understanding as possible but when I ask her why, I get excuses.

Cost, airfare is more expensive. Like an apartment and living expenses for another month is cheap? And what difference does it make, I'm the one paying.

Time, can't get everything moved in time. We are giving everything to her family ( again, everything in question I paid for ). Why not just tell them to raid the apartment and take what they want, she is not a moving company.

Mood, doesn't want to bring me down over the holidays. Ok, because I'm so much happier spending them without my family.

When confronted her with the concept of spending the holidays without our child, she freaked out and said "No way!" But isn't that essentially what she is making me do? So angry and frusterated, I'm about to call the whole thing off! I love her, she says she loves me but actions are speaking louder. I would do anything for my child but going into a ( potentially ) bad marriage is not something I am willing to do. I do know that she worries about leaving her country and family, going somewhere new. But she is coming here to be with me so we can raise our child together. ( Prescott, AZ ) Is a very nice place and I have a great house ( 4 bed/ 3 bath ) and job ( almost $100K/yr ). 1 month is not going to make a huge difference in a lifetime, but spending the first Christmas without my child is crushing. As hopefully what comes through in this rant is that I do care and want to do what is best for us and our child. I have been treated like an outsider the whole time and am tired of it, I've done just about everything I can for her and her family. I could have bailed anytime but have chosen to stick it out and do what I feel is right. While I could put my foot down and make things happen, I am wanting her to figure this out herself. I don't understand the dynamics of filipinas fully and have always been frusterated by her lack of ability to explain herself and what she is feeling ( shy and quiet ). If there is anyone out there who can clarify/translate? I appreciate all responses, good and bad.

I see three options.

1) Use the K-1 Bring her here and marry her. Big risk with potential for big downfall.

2) Stall and hope things get better. We have 6 months before she has to come here. Once I miss Christmas, I don't care. I've waited a year for this and now with the wind taken out of me, I don't care if I wait another year.

3) Drop the K-1, don't get married. Look to get a tourist visa. Bring her here for a few months so she can see what it is like and if this is what she really wants. If we decide it is, re-apply for the k-1...and start over.

4) Bail on the whole concept, start negotiating what she needs for monthly maintenance. My child has dual citizenship so I can visit and someday they will be able to fly here for visits. I have no doubt someday my child will want to come here and live with dad.

And no, there is no #5. Bail and forget about her and our child. I want to be part of my kid life.

If you want to tell me to run, fine. And you can say what you want about me. But don't be rude or mean toward my fiance, I do care and will continue to support her and my child regardless. I'm open to suggestions and options, I've only put down what I can see. Maybe someone out there has a better solution?