myeyes1010

Thanks JJ But it's fallin into the forum abyss LOL. It happens on every forum I have ever seen, they always go off topic. It is only frustrating when you really want answers or advice and have to read thru many different off topic comments to get to "topic" comments. Luckily this thread was just to help someone else consider the possibility of a scam porn site in case theyre man is also innocent. Just hope the get that from it. LOL...Myeyes out

Apparently people stole pictures off of computers at cyber cafe's when users left theyre browsers open or do not delete theyre browser history after signing out. They than used the stolen pictures and created a porno site (it can happen with myspace too) and use the prifiles to entice members. The pictures of my husband were (as I suspected) very old because he has had a computer at home for several years now. They rarely use a cyber anymore.

my little ramadan lesson

happy to hear that

Thanks Luntian Mee too....hopefully soon the site will be shut down or? I am sure alot of guys are real mad as well. I can't even imagine if i saw my pic on a site like that. I'd get a lawyer!

Just had to giggle in knowing that I am not alone... I'm jaded too (aren't we all? ) and there were a few times when I got moody and the storms started coming in and I'd start throwing around insane paranoia like accusations, he would listen in the same manner that your husband did and talk me through it.. Typically that was enough but when it wasn't and I kept going.. I'd get the punishment of a few days of silence and then he'd come back and ask me if I was ready to be civil now

I wrote a really long blog about it a while back and I think it really applies here :

Monday, August 06, 2007

Relationship conditioning....

Current mood: contemplative

Why is it that no matter how wonderful and seemingly great the person we are currently with is, we find ourselves constantly looking around the corner for the things to happen, which have happened in past relationships? Isn't this setting ourselves up for failure? Impending doom that we are creating of our own inability to really put the past behind us. Why does it just take one person to screw you over, in some of the worst ways possible, and you find yourself so hard pressed to trust anyone again? In some ways it seems like the person in your past that screwed everything up for you is still screwing everything up now - It's like letting them win, even when they are long gone and the relationship is over. Maybe I need to do some psychological research. Is this human conditioning? Why is it so hard to forget those bad things even when what could be a wonderful future is right on the end of your nose? Why do you expect the new person to commit the same crimes against love that the old person did? Why can't you just bring yourself to accept that person A (of the past ) and person B (current or the future) are not the same person. Why do you blow the smallest infractions of person B out of proportion, causing crazy arguments and tension and knowing the entire time that what they did really was not so horrible. That it really was nothing like what person A did to you, but yet you still have that fear memory inside your messed up skull that says, these small things are going to be big things soon. Why? Why? Why? Does anyone have an answer? Does anyone know the trick to over coming all this? It's not as simple as saying "Put your past behind you and look to the future" It does not work that way. When people say that to me, I think about that scene in the movie Lion King (Yeah a prophetic Disney movie, I know) where the crazy monkey hits Simba over the head with his walking stick and Simba says OUCH! What did you do that for? And the monkey says, it's in the past, what does it matter? Point of the story, the past still hurts.... They say pain is inevitable in life, but is suffering really optional? How do you really put your past behind you? And how to you find that middle ground between the past being a lesson and a growing experience and the past controlling your future.... I don't want to be a prisoner of the past anymore and I'm tired of shooting the future in the foot. Is there anyone out there? Anyone understand this nonsensical mess that I just typed... I need help.... I don't want to let those horrible people be the controllers of my destiny.... My fate is my own, help me make it that way.

I can totally feel your pain, Myeyes. I've had some similar experiences that made me jaded toward men and not trust them. I hate feeling like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before I married my husband, I told him about my past experiences and that it made me suspicious of all men. He has proven to me (through many arguments and days of silence) that I can trust him and when I go off the deep end and start up with the accusations, he calmly listens to me and then reminds me that he isn't like the men in my past and loves me more than anything.

It does come together over time and we can't force it to go faster or expect it to be immediate. All relationships are full of learning and compromise. I think thats what makes us love each other more every day. The slight shifting that goes on until one day you realize you fit like a glove and your relationship is as perfect as it is humanly possible to achieve.

It's hard to let go of the past, but with your husbands help and love, you will. As for being suspicious and doing your "espionage", one friend told me "be careful what you look for, you may find it." So if you look, be prepared to find. If you don't want to find, don't look. (Be sure here that had I found Ahmed on a sex porn site I would have done the exact same thing you did! So no fault on you!!)

It's all a part of the grand design and journey to learn I suppose. They say everything happens for a reason, that we are who we are because it's who we were created to become and that people in our lives were put there deliberately as part of theyre journey or ours. It seems that if it is possible to avoid feeling "anger" or "fear" we can pretty much overcome and learn any lesson

Wow, what bad advice from this lady. She thinks it is best to make her husband feel like he is not quite good enough for her? #######??? I so totally disagree and it is totally a head game. Why should anyone in any relationship be made to feel inferior?

My husband is my world, and he knows it. BUT what he also knows is that I won't put up with #######, and that I am not with him because I need him, I am with him because I love him. I can make it on my own without a man, both financially and mentally, and he knows that. He knows that if he crosses lines that no matter how much I love him I can and will leave. I don't believe in being a doormat, nor do I believe in making my husband a doormat. Head games should never be a part of any marriage.

Whew...got that off my back.

Now for your trust issue. Well yes, your baggage has kind of tumbled into this new relationship. It is important that you recognize it and admit it. Have you admitted it to him? He needs to understand what the problem is as well. Then you need to work on you. Building your self esteem is your first step. You need to be able to love yourself to trust that someone can love you as well.

well you definately sound like a bey strong woman whom knows what she wants and how to keep it in line. You go girl!

I want to say that in my past relationships I have had a couple men I was really close to treat me badly and I stayed with them way too long past the experation date. They new I was devoted and trustworthy in fact they bragged about it all the time. Alot of other girls used to tell me I was too easy for these guys to walk all over (and they were the kind to do that) One married friend from Iran told me she had her husband wrapped aournd her finger because she never let him be sure he was good enough for her. She was very attentive to him,cooking,etc...but she told me never let your husband think "he's everything to you" make him have some doubt that he is good enough. Let bhim know you love him...but make him always be a bit uncertain. Personally I was taught that if you did not make your man feel he was all that...someone else might! But it has kind of back fired in my past. They were so confident that they became arrogant and I would eventually leave from feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. My point being that I know I have issues with being afraid I will have it happen again. I stayed single, alone, no dating etc...for 5 years before meeting my husband online. I though it was safe and he would not be able to use me for sex or make me love him with great sex and I could take my time to evaluate him from afar the best I could. I even pickes a completely different type of guy! Foreign, exotic, different culture not american! I was so tired of american men (I know theyre are real good ones) I just did not pick those LOL. Now my own issues are involved alot and I know it. I an close to my bnew husband and afraid when I feel he is taking me for granted or not appreciating me. I don't care what he "says" I watch his actions and that is so hard when you are not together! So I google him, snoop, read stories and drive myself crazy! I know it's my problem. I mean I do find some questionable things for sure. But he was a single guy on line alot for a long time so it's easy to find trails. But he hasn't really domne anything to me personally and I have no proof he will. No ex wifes to ask....no relationship history to review....no perpetual bad behaviour to go on. It really is a guessing game at this point. I will be honest in that I know I am jaded by my past. I am not going to trust him until he earns it (because of my bad experiences) and it's not his fault. Yeah he has told me lies to cover his past online activities he's ashamed of that my espionage (sp) operations uncovered but they are from his past and my issues are mine I know. Bottom line I hold myself accountable for my own feelings and issues that stem from my bad choices in the past and will check myself when I realise I am on a mission to prove he's a wolf. He's just a man. I picked him and he picked me. Now we are married. I have to remember we picked each other...we could have picked someone else. We both had tons of other options neither of us had to be together. he has a great family that does not care if he ever leaves, I knew he wanted a wife of his own and a life of his own but he could have chosen alot of girls, younger, french, etc......I could have picked a rich man that would allow me to stay home and travel with a retirement plan but we picked each other because we fit together best. I'm not young, he's not rich, We Fit well together and it works. Remember too people don't get married and than become "sainted"... that takes time years sometimes. I know the best most wonderful married couple, inseperable! together over 50 years and the wife told me...our secret is not that we are perfect but we promised to never say the word divorce. We made our commitment to God and each other and promise we would never leave this marriage. She said once when they were newly married they hung out alot with othwr married friends ans were at a party drinking and dancing and she saw her husband sloe dancing with another friends wife and he was kissing her neck! she was so hurt by it she wanted a divorce but instead she said she bit her tongue expressed lovingly how hurt it made her feel and together they decided not to drink alcohol and slow dance with the oposite sex LOL but they did it together. It wasn't perfect but they stuck it out and eventually there was less and less and it became perfect OVERTIME. I know I picked crummy men. Its not my husbands fault so why should be suffer until I heal? I WILL DRIVE HIM AWAY! I will make him do all the stuff I am so afraid he is going to do that will kill me! Why should I behave in a way I would not even tolerate from him. I will be a hypocrite. If he acted like me I would hate it. But he says "it just proves to him how much I love him" he is really too good-thank god! I hope I stop before he changes his mind

yeah what is the deal with them and not wearing deotorant and wearing the same clothes over and over without washing them?

I know how I am. I will wash his clothes and deodorise them, get him to use my stuff for body care etc..he uses deodarant in his country but they don't really have real deodorant it's more like armpit moisturizer ...clearly it is a cultural thing. My husband will not mind me doing this and I am sure he will adapt in time because I know him this way. He alrweady went to the dentist in his country bacause i mentioned stuff and am obsessed with my own dental care. He actually likes that stuff about me and I think that is why he is adapting it too for himself. But that is part of his personality do be this way. I don't know yet if he will ever wear a pair of denim jeans tho. I love fancy trendy denim jeans for me. Maybe he will get used to the look and want a pair. But I definately love dressing business/office casual more now like he does. I have one of his sweatiest/smelliest pullover sweaters hanging in my closet that I would never part with on ebay for 500 american dollars! HAHAHA....I love his smells they just do not bug me it is such a sexy thing about him to me but I am sure it's because I adore him so much. But I will insist he be presentable for others who maybe don't love him like I do.

As you all know, I got my husband's resume together and mailed it out to various companies, job ads and what not. Well, today he got a call from one company to come in a few hours later for an interview.

I made a list of three people he could use as references, emailed them on short notice to make sure it was ok for them to be called. Ran home (literally ran, no car) on my lunch to see what his attire choices were. I thought he brought his nice suit from Iran. NOT! Come to find out his clothes were dress casual at best. Black shoes, khaki trousers, no tie...!!! Not to mention the BO wafting off his shirts. I mean, it is not that bad, but by American standards it's noticable. Anyway, made sure he wore CLEAN smelling shirt and decent trousers.

It seems like everything is such a damn struggle.

He does not understand the important of dressing for interviews or believe me when I tell him how Americans are sensitive to body odor. It is like he does not believe me or something.

[/quote)tt

believe me when I tell him how Americans are sensitive to body odor. It is like he does not believe me or something.

Nutty you are so funny. I know you are frustrated but I had to laugh at this line. I am terrified of this conversation with my husband. I mentioned this as well as kindly and sweetly as possible,but with my own obsession with dial antibacterial soap, I can only hope for the best. I was thinking maybe at the worst..some wellmeaning co-worker will domy dirty work for me and than Ican be the good guy that says "Honey, whats important is who you are inside! and the job you do for the company" and You smell so sexy to me

Happy Ramadan! I'm very glad you have your answers and you have an end to your confusion.

I am so relieved! I wanted to post this in a seperat topic so in case someone goes thru the same thing. They can consider it might be a fraudulent ad/site not a fraudulent spouse Sometimes people are actually innocent.

How did the accounts get created under a very similar email address to the one he already has?

that actual email address I knew was old because he can't remember the password anymore and it was only on really old things. And some of the profile pictures on the site are rediculous. Like some guy in the medina holding stuff he purchased? Why is that going to entice you to want to check out his porn profile? Or a camel? But there are a few pretty impressive profiles haha.....just for balance

Awesome news! Glad you were able to figure it out and resolve it in short time. Now focus on the positive and get him here with you.

Tinamsea- Is that right? 2 years 81 days OMG!!!!!..... I am so sorry

This is so true. When my husband was recently in Islamabad he made sure he gave us different ID's to use in the cafe' because he said they will steal your emails. He wouldn't even send me the papers that Islamabad gave him untill he got home. Glad you figured it out.

Your husband did the right thing!

You know I never heard of this stuff....I felt so bad after he eplained it all....I will never let myself doubt him again. And I will never forget this ramadan because of my lesson

And get that man prepared for his interview!

JJ

hahaha I love you Jackie

Apparently people stole pictures off of computers at cyber cafe's when users left theyre browsers open or do not delete theyre browser history after signing out. They than used the stolen pictures and created a porno site (it can happen with myspace too) and use the prifiles to entice members. The pictures of my husband were (as I suspected) very old because he has had a computer at home for several years now. They rarely use a cyber anymore.

my little ramadan lesson

Yes...Happy Ramadan!!!....

Some may have been reading my posts...so I will spare details. My husbands interview on out I-130 petition is in 4 weeks and I need to decide quickly if I can ever trust him or play it safe and bale out of out marriage. What is the procedure if I call it quits? I might not actually divorce him but I may want to cancel our/my petition for him to come join me in USA. Can't find the form on uscis site. Has anyone experience with this? I have not much time I think.

canadian immigration isn't too much different than US. some parts are but he'd need a work visa to just go work there. check out their site. they explain things a lot better than the US http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/index.asp

thanks wowswift. According to the link (unless I read incorrectly) he can do that very thing. WOW. from the USA with a greencard visa it is possible for someone to go to canada for work and residency. This is like a very bad dream...but better now than later I suppose.

I need to ask this but don't know if It is in the correct forum. My husband (north africa benificiary) has been recieving mail from Co's in Canada about employment ops. I (petitioner) reside in USA. Is it possible for him to intend to leave me once he gets his US visa and relocate alone to canada? I just domnot know why he would seek work ops there and not here unless he is considering leaving me.