jeff's bride

I don't post much, but this is a date I happened to remember. Happy first anniversary Melinda and Tarek!

So I recently heard a story of a couple where the USC was the wife, and she brought her fiance over from the MENA area. They were married less than a year ago, and have just seperated and filed for divorce. This is the part that makes me ill...when asked about the situation the wife said "I guess it was a learning experience!". This is a human being, who you brought here to an unfamiliar country, and promised to love, cherish, and honor ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, and it's just a "learning experience?". I am 90% sure that the husband was not in it for a greencard, but that the wife thought things would be different than they turned out to be and then tossed the poor guy. I don't think the guy knows what hit him.

I just sometimes worry that SOME (definitely not all) people going through this process treat it as though they've mail ordered a product from overseas. Does anyone else know of people who have such a cavalier attitude toward this HUGE commitment? Just curious.

I think you'll find it was a learning experience for BOTH of them. Once the man has got over it, he'd probably agree with me too.

Perhaps the man treated the women really badly and deserved being thought of as a learning experience anyway. Do you know this couple?

Yes, I know the couple, both the online representation and in real life. The immigration process is far from perfect, and the 90 day time period is, in my opinion , ridiculous. I've said before that the US should give more time to really "live" with the person before the deadline. Even if that means the other person stays somewhere else. I just don't think that if you meet someone from another country online, and no matter how much you chat, talk, text, and at times, visit, it's still not an accurate representation of what you're walking into. However, the US time constraints are what they are, so in that case, I guess my sense of commitment to the person that I just yanked halfway across the world would have to overrule any rocky road situations (barring abusive behavior toward myself or my children). But I guess that's just me.

I suspect that it probably is different in r /l as compared to posting here. I think most are not upfront and lean towards the 'everything-is just-rosey' approach, but you cannot blame people for not wanting to post their most private ( and sometimes horrible ) matters on a public message board.

No doubt, though it might give the people going through the process a more realistic picture of what they're signing up for...if everyone posts the "everything is rosey" perspective, then people might not think it's as big of a deal as it is. I just am thinking of the people that are being uprooted from everything they've (in many cases) ever known to be chalked up as a "learning experience"...you know?

What do you really know about MENA culture? Do you know this couple personally? 0r are you just going on assumptions here?

I know some about MENA culture. I know that it's a hard adjustment. I do know this couple personally...as well as on this forum...and it's a very different story from here to r/l.

So I recently heard a story of a couple where the USC was the wife, and she brought her fiance over from the MENA area. They were married less than a year ago, and have just seperated and filed for divorce. This is the part that makes me ill...when asked about the situation the wife said "I guess it was a learning experience!". This is a human being, who you brought here to an unfamiliar country, and promised to love, cherish, and honor ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, and it's just a "learning experience?". I am 90% sure that the husband was not in it for a greencard, but that the wife thought things would be different than they turned out to be and then tossed the poor guy. I don't think the guy knows what hit him.

I just sometimes worry that SOME (definitely not all) people going through this process treat it as though they've mail ordered a product from overseas. Does anyone else know of people who have such a cavalier attitude toward this HUGE commitment? Just curious.

Hi Stone,

Sorry to hear about your problems, I hope everything works out. I was wondering though, maybe you could give us some advice, did you find that your wife was different after you arrived than who you thought she was when you met? Did she portray herself differently during your communications before you got here than she really is?

I worry that things are sometimes sugarcoated for my fiancee before he gets here and he'll have a bit of a shock once he's here.

Again, I wish you the best, keep us updated.

To the people who are being so negative to Squeaky, she is only looking for advice on her situation, the way you probably do. As someone else said, I highly doubt you all waiting on K-1 visas have abstained from pre-marital physical relationships, and birth control is never 100% guaranteed. It could very easily be one of you walking in her shoes and getting flamed in her place. Please give her a break and answer the question she asked and leave personal judgements on the sidelines.

To the OP, I agree with what other have said that it shouldn't effect your efforts when it comes to filing. Best of luck and good health to you and your baby.

Jen -

I don't want anything I say to sound like I believe you are making a mistake.

But I am going to make some observations and ask you to think about them.

Number One - If I didn't want a divorce, I wouldn't file for it.

Number Two - What might be 'dead center' to one person is not 'dead center' to another.

Number Three - Has he told you he doesn't think you are worth it?

Number One - I know. When the subject of divorce came up the last time, I told him that I wasn't going to file. If he wanted the divorce, he was going to have to file. But there are some basic aspects of his personality and our relationship that made me decide to file:

He never does anything that requires 'effort' if it doesn't please him... he'd have to research the process and make it happen. More importantly, he has NO (literally NO) money to pay for an attorney. And there's no way he'd file the paperwork himself. He has absolutely zero initiative, and that's honestly not an exaggeration. He would freely admit it. We'd be stuck in this misery forever and I can't put my kids through that. Nor do I deserve to be the recipient of any more verbal abuse. Plus, and this may sound bad, but the longer we're married, the more he'd be entitled to, financially. Since he has contributed ZERO to this marriage (emotionally and financially), I am unwilling to accept that he is entitled to anything, the law notwithstanding. Plus, him 'pushing' me to finally file gives him the ability to go home and tell everyone that it wasn't his fault, that I 'made him' leave.

Number 2 - True... everyone has a different tolerance level for what they will accept and what they won't. He'd say he was through but would never do anything about it. Last Sunday, I asked him for the final papers that he'd had in-hand for 4 days. His response was, "Are you sure YOU want to do this?" I resented the insinuation that it was all ME.... and if THAT was his attempt at breaking the ice and seeking to reconcile, it was pathetic. That was the one and only time he ever questioned anything about the separation/divorce.

Number 3 - Not in so many words. But he never disputed it when I mentioned it through tears....

Dear Jen,

I don't know you, and I don't know your story, but I've had similar situations. I was pregnant when my first husband and I split up, he left, I didn't want the divorce, but I ended up asking him to leave, because living with him walking around the house like a zombie was not good for him, it was not good for me, and it was not good for the baby. Though I didn't want the divorce, I filed it (he was surprised, even though he'd been living out of the house for 3 months and had a girlfriend). I filed to protect myself and the rights of my child (I filed the day the fetus was viable if born, to protect her rights to child-support as it's retroactive to the date of filing or the date of birth, whichever is later).

As I said, I don't know your whole story, but I feel for you. I am now re-married, and I am fairly sure that should we have to go through a divorce, this one would tear me apart even more than the first, and I was pregnant the first time. Please take care of yourself, and take care of your kids...and, if you can ever find it in your heart, try a little to take care of him too, despite him wanting the end result, I'm sure he's hurting too.

Best of luck to you.

My DH got a 221(g) and needs to go to a second interview I guess (all these # and acronyms are so annoying!)...any idea how long it takes to schedule a second interview? In perusing the forums it looks like a wide range!

Your poll pre-supposes that the 3 month time limitation is a get-to-know-you period. It is not. The time between meeting and committing to an engagement is. When you become engaged you are saying "I am willing to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you." When you come to the US on a K-1 visa you are sealing the deal..... not giving it a trial run.

That's interesting, because I don't really see it that way. I sort of saw it as saying that though you know each other (obviously...you're marrying the person after all!), you might need some time for them to adjust to the new country, get to know their way around, and know all the quirks of how their other half is in day to day life...in all my relationships I have absolutely found it true that you don't really know someone until you've lived with them...

Hey everyone. I've been browsing the posts on this site, and noting a lot of people have some difficulty adjusting to their spouses after arrival in the USA (I know...duh...). Sometimes it seems that that is the reason people are not able to work things out after marriage. I was just curious if people thought that having a longer time to adjust to one another (maybe live together a little while first) might help with marriage success? Personally I voted it should be extended, but I'm not sure how long...maybe 9 months.

Just curious...has anyone heard from this person? She ducked out a couple of days ago and seemed a little upset. She may be wrong and have her head on all screwy, but she left rather abruptly...or maybe she's just not in the fighting mood

I saw this story on 48 hours mystery! Talk about a messed up story...at one point they said that she was engaged to 3 different men (at the same time) and the ALL lived under the same roof...how does THAT work exactly?

That's what I got too