ogele

Ogele, I believe you are taking this book way too seriously. It is not a master thesis and he is not a professor. His intent

is not educating the Nigerian audience , his intent is a light hearted sharing of how he found a compromising approach to

his relationship with Western woman. It is about him arriving in America and how by trial and error he became successful years later in merging two cultures in his realtionships. To him it is not all about his way or all about the American way but he is helpful in sharing what works for him and what didn't. It is not intented to "grab a staunchly traditionalist Nigerian audience to lecture on culture." No not at all.

I keep repeating myself that without reading the book no one will "get it " what the book conveys.

I stand on what I have said earlier, earings in the ear , even though shunned by his own people for that, is not an indicator

of how well his thoughts are captured on paper.

He has openly stated that he is being critisized for the way he choses to live his life by fellow Nigerians. That is nothing new to him.

This man has spend long periods of time away on the sea and his only socialisation was that of fellow Navy men for this country.

For you to enjoy your right to freedom and chose your own life style. I hope that counts for something to fight in a war to keep you save and free.

Not exactly the ideal way of life for the average traditional Nigerian. So he is americanised, that is his choice, yet still he has never forgotten where he came from and urges to keep culture alive in children. He does not see himself as a traditionalist but one who loves his country Nigeria but choses to merge with the Western culture and prefers Western woman. And that qualifies him to advice me on how he solved problems in his marriage.

That does not mean he does not embrace his roots. It means to him, he came to this country and appreciated the gift

of freedom to be whoever he chose to be in his own words and not let traditionalists force their values on him.

Obviously he was influenced by our Western ways and he decided he liked it.

It is not his intention to be a lecturer of traditional culture to fellow Nigerians but a help from his experience to Western woman

in relationships with African men. The little things in life..........who takes the trash out and why........who changes the babies diaper.........how long can Mom stay with us ......how much money do we send to the village to improve their community......practical small everyday things.

It is precisely this experience I want to hear because I am in it. I do not want to hear it from an African that has not been married to an American woman as he can not relate. I don't care if he is a professor !

There are times when I will draw from the cultural teachings of a traditional African as I have done in the past to shed light

on something I can not understand about my man.

That is a completely separate issue than this book of merging cultures. Traditionalists for the most part remain separate, they don't merge too easily and you have chosen an African woman. That is great. However there are all kinds of relationships and

not enough books have been written in this wonderful style by this author addressing our issues as American woman.

I want it from someone who has lived it for years ! I don't care what his credentials are or how he looks from the outside.

So please, do not take it as serious as an African studies class or an African lecture of deeper things. There is a place for that but not here in this thread. This is a light hearted book discussion to exchange issues, stories, challenges as Western woman with our African men.

Thank you for your input and graceful style of posting it and I respectfully have received and thoughts about it but feel it does not apply to the book. And no you have definitely not confused me with your post. I am very clear on what this book and this thread is about and the fun we are having coming together and the laughs we share here. I have received many pm's and people like this thread.

We realize we are not alone and relish in that common bond.

I want to get this back on topic as I feel I have given a sufficient background on the author and don't feel like I have to defend the author, his book or this thread constantly to people who do not wish to read the book.

So please let us get back to our easy going chit chat of everyday life with our guys to pass the time.

Thank you B)

Omoba:

First,I am categorically not taking this book seriously,at all.What I have taken seriously is my now misinformed desire to ensure that many out their have all the views and ideas needed to find happiness.You are right,this is not some scholarly work.But you are profoundly wrong if you accuse me of taking it as one.The way I write represents years of hardwork that has influenced my thought processes and how I articulate them for the public.I never write to impress.I write to convey my humble thoughts.I wish I could still write like I used to in elementary school,but then many would deride me as one more uneducated immigrant who needs to learn english.

This is your thread,and I respect that.It is precisely the reason why I will post this and be done for good on the Sub-Saharan Forum.I have been a regular browser on the forum since over a year now but I never posted until the alarming arguments on relationships gone sour.It occured to me that many here have no clue what they were getting themselves into,culture-wise.That was the advent of my posting to clarify certain misgivings and suggest paths that would help us all avoid the failed relatonship syndrome in the future.I see now that I have made a dumb error.Like the proverb goes,"the man who places himself between onions,will soon have the smell on him."

A few clarifications.I never suggested that the author was writing to a Nigerian audience.I used Nigeria because that is the closest unit of analysis I find that will not have me accused of generalizing.You consistently claim that he has served in Irag and defended the freedom I now enjoy enjoy.I salute him.May I also suggest that I have served in the United States Infantry,A Co 2ND Inf.Regiment,Fort Benning,Georgia was my initial baptism of fire.Many out there do not have the privelege to reveal much about themselves.But there are also those of us who took up arms in defense of this Republic,yet remain staunchly traditionalist.So,I fail to grasp your point there.My sister,the cyberspace is so impersonal that we are quick to attack anyone simply because we feel they are about to spread a virus.If you were sitting across a table from me,perhaps you may have responded differently.

Secondly,you may need to review what I posted previously.No mention was made about his wealth,his wearing glasses et al.That post was to mediate a common ground bewteen you and Nixz-Chi(I believe).Did you read my comment on believing that his lifestyle per se has nothing to do with his integrity, and that a well penned book always contains treasures?Did you read the part about a wholehearted reading of the book,and sharing the info on this forum for debate?Do these seem like a wholesale rejection of the author,an author whom I may perhaps know more personally than you?

Thirdly,the rest of your comments here went overboard and do have elements of taking things personal,whatever your reason.Please read on:

Quote:..........That does not mean he does not embrace his roots. It means to him, he came to this country and appreciated the gift

of freedom to be whoever he chose to be in his own words and not let traditionalists force their values on him.

Obviously he was influenced by our Western ways and he decided he liked it.It is not his intention to be a lecturer of traditional culture to fellow Nigerians but a help from his experience to Western woman. in relationships with African men. The little things in life..........who takes the trash out and why........who changes the babies diaper.........how long can Mom stay with us ......how much money do we send to the village to improve their community......practical small everyday things.It is precisely this experience I want to hear because I am in it. I do not want to hear it from an African that has not been married to an American woman as he can not relate. I don't care if he is a professor !

That is a completely separate issue than this book of merging cultures. Traditionalists for the most part remain separate, they don't merge too easily and you have chosen an African woman. That is great. However there are all kinds of relationships and

not enough books have been written in this wonderful style by this author addressing our issues as American womanlacy.

I want it from someone who has lived it for years ! I don't care what his credentials are or how he looks from the outside.

So please, do not take it as serious as an African studies class or an African lecture of deeper things. There is a place for that but not here in this thread.....unquote.

In my respons,no one said he does not embrace his roots.What I said is that experiences from even 5 years ago,may not work 100% with what the recently arrived African will be like.My sister,a good many of us changed diapers,mowed the lawn,while back home.It has nothing to do with being traditionalist.I think you mistake my term for a more strict observance of certain cultural moral codes with believing in gender equityAlso,you chose to not understand the context in which I used the anecdote of my professor.Traditionalists do not remain seperate.That is a fallacy.Traditionalist attempt to embrace and balance foreign cultures on the strong foundation of their own personal cultural values.Many who don't become conflicted,either in the present or as they age.Go visit African community organizations.There you will find all those so called "modernists" who suddenly switch their story.I am a Nigerian who has learned to speak english,japanese,spanish,french languages and cultures,while remaining rooted in my own culture.I have dated decent foreign women outside my race(if not I would not be praying for the success of your marriages),but I just wasn't ready for marriage at that time.If you strongly believe that reading this book and then discussing it among foreign significant others only will be the panacea,I wish you many blessings.As for me,I am done with the Sub-Saharan Forum as this postings have suddenly begin to cost me valuable time.I will now return to obtaining whatever info I need while remaining mute and invisible.

I truly wish you and everyone else,many blessings!

The only thing I agreed with in your post is that before making a decision about the quality of a book, one should read the book. And I personally plan to do so. I respect that there are many who will not read the book for whatever reason, I don't respect premature or unfounded judgements based on ignorance.

I would also add that a thesis is based on fact which can then be backed up with research. Your post is a series of hypotheses based on your personal experiences and belief systems. Hypotheses based on your personal paradigm are little more than interesting stories. Hmmmm.....oddly similar to this book which you find personally useless. Perhaps you should write a book and we could read it?

The only thing I agreed with in your post is that before making a decision about the quality of a book, one should read the book. And I personally plan to do so. I respect that there are many who will not read the book for whatever reason, I don't respect premature or unfounded judgements based on ignorance.

I would also add that a thesis is based on fact which can then be backed up with research. Your post is a series of hypotheses based on your personal experiences and belief systems. Hypotheses based on your personal paradigm are little more than interesting stories. Hmmmm.....oddly similar to this book which you find personally useless. Perhaps you should write a book and we could read it?

I think that if you really read my post dispassionately,you may have reached a different conclusion than you put down here.There is a fallacy in discourses when a person's integrity or personality is attacked rather than the quality of his arguments.It is called an argumentum ad hominem.I do not engage in such nonsense,as it is beneath me.When a previous post criticized the author's Benz car and dark sunglasses,did you see me respond?Certainly not!The reason is that for the purpose you are reading his book(inter-cultural relations and adjustments)references to his wearing sunglasses or driving a Benz are inconsequential,even petty.My reason for posting was to find common ground between the two contrasting views of Omoba and Nixz-Chi(hope I got that right).If you prefer to raise up arms rather than find common ground in controversial issues,that is certainly within your right .But I hope that many out there do not discountenance what an African woman has to say regarding current trends with the thinking of his African brother.I know I don't,personally.I think that I clearly posed the teaser that whatever information in the book,anyone who want a balanced view in the end would do well to share their concerns on this forum.Where exactly did I reject the author's views?If you believe that Nigerians who have succeeded in life are waived from the cultural requirements of not wearing earings,you may not really know that country,and perhaps,many other parts of Africa.Even then,I stressed the importance to read the author's book.

Also,your reference to my "thesis" is most unfortunate.Again,which aspect of the so called hypothesis is unfounded?You would not know because you are not privy to the real thoughts,views,gossips and prejudices of many African communities at home and abroad.Trust me,for as long as you rise in attack of every single person who may suggest a balanced view,even let you in on certain guarded thoughts,you may never really know.Certain issues will always be kept secret from you.Sometimes,all you may see and feel will only be a scratch on the surface.It is in recognition of this that I suggested to those who can:join your SO's national or ethnic organizations.In the end,it is the African who truly knows the genuine reason why his or her kinsman has undertaken a journey.We all know from the moment a brother steps foot here from home when exactly he plans to bale from a marriage.No one will divulge this secret,the same way none ever reveals the secrets of the masquerade,but they may certainly steer you towards a path that can lead to such a freshly arrived spouse exclaim,"I never believed I would end up falling in love with her!"All of what you called my non-factual hypothesis remain solid facts.But again,I do not expect you to accept them,there is no price here.

Forgive me,but I have one more response to make and I am done for good on posting here.I wish you the best in your journey,and married life.

Oh no...maybe I wasn't clear...see I wasn't trying to be malicious at all....

The difference in him emigrating here 25 years ago vs now, is that he was most likely in his teens when he emigrated here. Looking at the man, he's no more than 40 years old. He's probably soaked up so much of the american culture since then, he just isn't comparable to our SO's who are fresh to this country. He's had a chance to adjust to women here, and who knows...some things that are acceptable to him may not be acceptable to someone who's been in Africa up until now. Huge difference to me. I am totally in line with the book's intent...I never said it was based on the struggles and issues of the African man coming to the U.S...just an example to support why I wouldn't purchase the book.

How do you know he's firmly rooted and grounded in his culture? Is it because the bling around his neck and in both of his ears? Is it because he's posing in front of a benz? Or because his last name is African? lol. I didn't read the book, so maybe the answer lies there. I'm not misguided at all, I was just giving my honest opinion, which happens to disagree with yours. No harm. This forum would be really boring if everyone walked in one single file line and all nodded and agreed with each other. No need to illustrate your age, congratulations for being in this country that long. Just saying that some could have saved their money and scrolled through some pages of VJ for less than 20 bucks. If you've got something out of the book, then your money was well spent, and happy reading.

Without prejudice to anyone,I do think I woould have to agree 99% with Nixz_Chi on this one.I will start by acknowledging that I have not read this book,have no plans to read same(simply because I am a Nigerian marrying a fellow Nigerian),and the fact that my not reading the book may deprive me of certain facts which the author may enunciate.Still,I believe Nixz_Chi captures my thoughts completely.

First,I am an unabashed conservative when it comes to our traditions.I have never seen or heard of diasporic Nigerians spotting pierced ears with diamonds studs being acknowledged as culturally aware by fellow Nigerians at home or abroad.My point?Piercing of ears by men is alien to the Nigerian cultural sphere and is categorically shunned by Nigerians as a sure sign of Americanization of the individual and thus,possible disconnectedness of the individual from his culture.The piercing of ears by men in Nigeria is reserved for touts and never do wells.Even the latter despise men with pierced ears.Don't get me wrong,this author may be a genius,but a pierced ear may not grab him much of a staunchly traditionalist Nigerian audience to lecture on culture.

Second,Nigeria is a very dynamic society.Ever in a state of flux,one can not legitimately claim to be a hundred percent sure of trends and moods in that country.I believe that the rest of Africa is the same.While culture is known to be constantly changing,Nigerian cultures may not lend themselves to very drastic or sudden transformations.The result is that Nigerians residing in Nigeria today may find themselves adjusting to foreign or alien cultures,without the liberty of adjusting their own traditional norms to that that alien culture.In order words,present day Nigerians will simply pick aspects of a foreign culture that suit them(enable their survival)and is not in disagreement with recognized cultural norms back home,while discarding those that would bring them ridicule.This is a difficult concept to expain,but I shall attempt to do so,using a scenario.

Imagine a Nigerian who arrived the United States as a teenager or adult,twenty five or more years ago,perhaps via a ship passage that lasted a month,without that much means of communicating with the kindred at home.This was the colonial and immediate post-colonial times when it was yet forgivable to live permanently abroad with occasional visits home.Now imagine in this year of globalization when the world has "shrunk",where travel and communication has become very easy,and the trend thus is for each diasporic Nigerian to communicate regularly and return home at some point in the future to settle down,in retirement.Given this scenario,the priorities for both sets of Nigerian immigrants is NOT the same as we Nigerians know.The same way that the mentalities that condition the thought processes for both sets is largely different.When I arrived the United States as a young adult,my Nigerian host "father",who has lived in the U.S.for over thirty five years,made every effort to convince me that the best option for me would be to forget returning to Nigeria,and that marrying American and making a home here would be the most blissful prospects for the future.He was as profoundly wrong as he was talking to the wrong person.Even in the few seconds I stayed with him,he appeared strange in his cultural orientation,obssessed with a culture I was even then convinced was not completely compatible with mine.I could not tell him he belonged to that few number we derided as "efulefu"or "lost souls"back home.

Third,I am a believer in the treasures that can be uncovered in a good book.To this end,I do believe that you can learn the basics of a culture within the pages of a well penned book.However,for a book that has to deal with the admirable quest most of you ladies are on(I hope it is to understand the needed cultural adjustments b/w you and your SOs),I believe that it is paramount to know the credentials of your author.If it is an author who has lost touch with his culture,he or she may not have much to teach you on how to relate to the present day Nigerian who arrives the U.S.,today.The one may have left simply as a choice out of many to attend school many moons ago while the latter may be leaving because they percieve that to be an only opportunity to escape "poverty".You will always find a longtime immigrant author's personal insights informative,but as long as the former does not go home often,or has watered down their own traditional convictions,they may provide very limited picture of how the recently arrived,or yet to arrive,strongly traditionalist Nigerian or African,will react to the American culture.

Now that I have confused you all with my thesis,might I suggest a remedy?I think that what Nixz_Chi was trying to state is that you must evaluate the current connectedness of your informer to his/her cultural topic.Kind of reminds me of a former American professor in graduate school who had lived in Botswana and Namibia in the 1960's,but who had a penchant to ascribe himself the title of "Expert in African Affairs." This was until some of us engaged him publicly in African contemporary affairs. :devil:He is a brilliant economist,but with regards to contemporary African political economy,his masquerade was unmasked.

My remedy?Yes,read the book wholeheartedly.Then discuss the issues raised therein on this forum so that other African members can agree,disagree,or clarify on any issues raised.This is an important learning process for many of you,and I believe neither I,Nixz_Chi,or any other decent African here would hold back any information necessary to complement what you extrapolate from the book(s).In addition,I would also suggest attending or even joining the national/ethnic organization(union)of you SO's country in your city.It would prove invaluable in bringing to life the reality of his/her culture.To all of you who are really making the effort,I wish you well,hang in there,and enjoy the beauty of the jewel you have discovered.

Chin up!

P/s:To all those who sent a PM requesting info on a possible intro to a decent Nigerian guy,I haven't responded because none of my friends who readily come to mind are readily available.My silence should not be misconstrued as a lack of courtesy.The moment I think of someone,I will do well to post same.

Come on sub-saharan, jump on in the water is fine ! Just try and start talking, it doesn't have to be perfect.

How di body ? How are you ?

Can I reply by saying "I dey fine"? That's one of the few things I know. If there's a different response, let me know.

Soo. . . . Omoba, How you dey?

Yes Queen Jenn,that is the perfect response.Then,as a courtesy,you may want to enquire about the wellbeing of your greeter with the following words:

Pidgen: You nko?

English: And you? or What about you?

Once you learn the basics,you can graduate to speaking the really fancy,yuppy,funky kind of Pidgin that seperates the foreigner from the home bred in Nigeria.That,you will have to learn with your man!

For example:

Pidgin:How body? or How you dey?

Response: I dey kampe! or I tanda like Landcruiser(referring to the strenght and beauty of the car,as a metaphor).

We wan for see wha yuh dae git for yuh oman. in di shop.

Oh,my sister!My woman go happy well well when she see all the goodie goodie wey I buy come for am.Na dress wey I buy pass,but I come take style buy winter clothing add for im collection.As winter things de expensive,e make sense to buy some now wey dem don comot money for de price.I know say when im arrive,na cold be the first thing im go complain about. Ahem,I also buy am Victoria S. yanfu yanfu

Oh,my sister!My woman will be happy when she sees all the goodies I bought for her.I bought more of dresses,but I was also smart to add winter clothing to her collection.As winter things are expensive,it makes sense to buy these now at clearance price.I know that when she arrives,the cold weather is the first thing she would complain about. Ahem,I also bought her a lot of Victoria S.

Mi ah go for mek clean di ose tiday an tumarra.

I wish say I fit helep you clean your house,but na sleep wey I go de sleep tomorrow so.No worry,cleanliness na de next in line to godliness

I wish I could help you clean your house,but I will be sleeping all day tomorrow.Don't worry,cleanliness is next in line to godliness.

SENTENCES OF THE DAY:

Pidgin: Abeg,you fit help me buy.......for de store?

English:Please,could you help me buy.......at the store?

Pidgin: Na which time you de go work? Na which time you go return from work?

English:What time would you be going to work? What time would you be back from work?

Pidgin: Abeg,you fit toss me $5? I go pay you back,tomorrow.

English:Please,could you lend me $5? I will pay you back,tomorrow.

Ogele - I love this thread! Please keep it coming. I've tried a couple of things with my husband. I have to work on my pronunciation, but otherwise he's happy that I'm making the effort.

Thanks again.

Boaz

Boaz,no worry at all!You go soon become correct expert for Pidgin English.....even de use slang like Area Girl.Dat time,person wey wan chance you go know say no paddy for jungle!

Boaz,no worries!You will soon become an expert in Pidgin English......even using slangs like an Area Girl.At that time,anybody who tries to mess with you will realize that their ain't no friendships in the jungle(mama didn't raise no fool!).

Ogele yuh done chop ..eh ? Yuh fer tek long tem

Eeh,my sister.I don chop o!Na im I waka go for mall make I for pick some things come for my honey.Now wey dem don comot plenty money for the original price,man pikin go fit afford some things for im woman.I go post some more words for pidgin later.I just de wait make our friends for dis forum learn de sentences wey I post before I come post another one.Make you dey well,my sister!

Yes,my sister.I have eaten!After which I went to the mall to pick up some things for my honey.Now that they've reduced the prices(clearance),a man can afford to buy a few things for his woman.I will post some more Pidgin later.I am just waiting so that our friends on this forum can learn the previous sentences I posted,not to overwhelm them,before I post new ones.Stay well,my sister!

A belful ( S/L Krio, ask Ogele for Naija version.)

Ogele, wetin yuh de du ? Ah mi brodda, we dae go hep dem, yuh don yerriie ? Promis na det

Tem don dae cam near nor do so fer odda lesson ? A dae frade mi nuh can hep dem misef.

Omoba,I dey for work.Me sef,I never chop o.Hunger dey wire my belle for here.We go close soon,make man pikin go find food,jare.No wahala,we go dey teach dem softly softly.Dem go learn like play like play.Na promise.Oya now,we go talk later.My oga patapata don enter room.

How you dey?

So if I just barely ate, how would I say that? You know - like "i just had lunch" or "I just got done eating"

You would say one of the following that basically mean the same thing:

Na now now wey I just chop,thank you! or I just finish chop now now,thank you!(PIdgin)........I just ate now,thank you!(English) or

E never tey wey I chop finish(Pidgin)...... It has not been long since I finished eating!(English)

Tenki tenki Ogele ............................thank you Ogele

Mi ah dae tok Krio, mi nuh kno de Naija dem...........I talk Krio ( Sierra Leone ) and i don't know the Naija dialect.

Ah gladi fer tok wit yuh. ...................... I am glad to talk with you.

Mi ah taia an go ladom pon di bed. ............ I am tired and am going to bed now ( lay on my bed now )

Tek tem do yah....ta ta .............. Be careful please.....bye bye

LOL.Me sef I understand de kind wey you write.Plus,I happy well well to talk with you.Oya now,make you for sleep fine fine,dream better dream!

I understand the variation you wrote.Plus,I am very happy to talk with you.Okay,have a restful sleep and pleasant dreams!

Error in spelling: I can't believe I spelled pronunciation wrong in my original post.People,my mother must not see this...."pronounciation"?...talk about "bastardizing"the English language!Shame on me!

I read something somewhere on VJ (looked all over for the post) about being able to get some kind of temp work permit if the SO arrives at JFK in NY as port of entry. Can someone explain what this is and how it works.

Thanks so much

GOD BLESS

Hello:

If you go to the: Reviews: Embassy/USCIS · POE option on the top right hand corner of the VisaJourney web page,click on POE,select JFK from the available list of entry points,and you will have tons of information regarding temp.work permits from real people.Many of the people who posted actually asked for,and received the temp.work permit.Goodluck!

Thanks Ogele!

Pidgin:No wahala!

English:No problem (actually means: you're welcome).

Nigerian Pidgin English for Dummies!

Today's sentences,with word pronounciation aid in brackets:

Pidgin:Wetin(Waiting)be your name?

English:What is your name?

Pidgin:My name na/be ......

English:My name is......

Pidgin:Na where you from?

English:Where are you from? This refers to your place of origin.

Pidgin:Na who be(bee)your papa/mama?

English:Who is your father/mother?

Pidgin:My papa/mama be Mr/Mrs.....

English:My father/mother is Mr/Mrs.....

Pidgin:You don chop?

English:Have you eaten?

Pidgin:Eeh,I don chop,thank you! or No,I never chop!

English:Yes,I have eaten,thank you! or No,I haven't eaten!

Pidgin:Wetin you wan chop make I go cook am?

English:What do you want to eat,so that I can cook same.

Pidgin:I wan(one)chop dodo,fresh fish pepper soup,isiewu,pomo,cow tail,nkwobi,with palmy.

English:I want to eat plantain,fresh fish pepper soup,goat head,cowhide,ox-tail,cow parts in special palm oil sauce,with palm wine.

Pidgin:Where/Wey(Way)you dey? Wey you de go?

English:Where are you? Where are you going?

Pidgin:Oyaa O,make una softly softly de learn am.One day now,una go de speak pidgin like correct Naijas.

English:Okay,you should all learn these slowly.One day soon,you will all be speaking pidgin like true Nigerians.

Note:Ain't nothing hard in learning Pidgin English.Once you pick up basic conversations,you're good to go.A good tip is to try your best at "bastardizing"(destroying)English sentences and you are well on your way to becoming a Professor of Pidgin(Broken)English.It's fun!

Helo:

If this is any help,it usually takes 10 days maximum for my U.S.Postal Service(international express mail)to get to Nigeria,and about 14 days for a regular mail to get there.I actually sent an insured express package containing Christmas gifts to Nigeria on November 26,2007 and my folks still have not received it.This is unusual with express mails.My guess is that the normally not so efficient mailing system in some of these countries simply got overwhelmed during the last yuletide.I would send another mail via FEDEX or UPS (depending on how critical the info is),if I were you.Goodluck.

"I detest what you say to me,but I will defend with my life your right to say it."- Voltaire

I am not given to frivolous discourses or rejoinders.I decide to break with this policy,this once,because a little baby is involved.Idocare,the most important thing is to make sure your ex-husband is paying child support for his child.Usually,Nigerians in such a situation are known to do so,and to take a keen and loving interest in their kids,even in a divorce.With regards to why he does not bother to see Obinna,only him knows,but it is strange.I have only heard of such a scenario when a break-up was so bitter that the father wanted nothing to do with the child if it meant coming in contact with the mother.No matter what,I refuse to judge your ex-husband based on a one sided allegation.This has nothing to do with the credibilty of your story,but has everything to do with your not knowing his own perception and experience of your relationship.

Secondly,I think that all reasonable people would uphold the right of all persons to speak their minds.No people know and accept this fact better than the Igbo.However,those who claim that you are being stopped from airing your opinions and story are being frugal with the truth.What some of us are saying is that the comments on visa scams and deportations be limited to the appropriate posts.In the past week,almost all of the current posts on this forum that were on topics very different from fraud and deportation had your posts calling for "the blood of scammers".While I share in your hurt,regardless of who was right or wrong in your past marriage,I do not appreciate being "ambushed" to read a topic I have no interest in,given the limited time I have in my day.The argument that you are being denied the right to post,begs the question.I think that what I and some others have said is that posts on visa fraud and deportations be limited to the appropriate thread.Freedom of seech is also synonymous with responsibilty.Whereas,Bensangin may have advised us to sue if we feel slandered,it clearly misses the point that people feel hassled when they are hoping to get information say,on how to get a police report in Ghana,only to watch an invaluable thread degenerate to a free for all fight.The only reason I responded to this thread is because you started it on a topic related to the posts,and I actually responding based on my irritation with seeing the same thing show up on every other thread.Nobody wants to order steak,only to be served chicken,if you get my analogy.Right now,I seem to be getting more pertinent immigration information from the Asian,European and MENA sections than here!!!

Third,and in general,I think that there is a crying need to truly evaluate each and evry person's relationship with their foreign spouses.Realistic and objective are the key words!It does not matter if people are madly in love with that foreigner they meet online,it does not matter what assurances that foreigner makes to you,each person has to make a clear headed assessment of their compatibilty and realistic expectations of the relationship and their spouses.Hear me people,telling of warning signs you experienced before a marriage packed up is like the proverbial locking the stable after the horse is halfway across the Sahara.This is not proactive knowledge,and thus serves very limited utility in assuring a happy,longlasting marriage,in my view.Besides,I still maintain the view that each relationship is unique and even when they are the same,the personality of one or both spouses may turn an otherwise redeemable situation into a complete fiasco.I will not judge the outcome of a marriage based on the evidence of one party.

Now,when you met your foreign spouse,did you compare his/her educational level with yours?In other words,do we have a rocket scientist marrying a high school drop out?If so,you need to re evaluate.While the story may be one of a genuine "we will work things out",certain differences are so fundamental that they may remain a perpetual source of conflict.Huge disparities in educational level is one.What are your core moral values versus those of your SO?Does he/you believe in strong family ties?How about his/her desire to visit home?To build a house in his village?Can you live with these?Are you a true admirer of african customs,or are you a "wannabe"/pretender because you have suddenly found yourself in a relationship with an African.Many out there haven't the foggiest idea about the pre-colonial,colonial,and contemporary history of their SO's country.I am not asking you to learn the language,just a little history that you can interact with his African friends.it will give you that feel good feeling and make him thump his chest with pride.It is part of that stuff you share in common.If you are engaged to an Igbo,do you understand the significance of the New Yam Festival to your Igbo spouse?At least I know about the Mayflower,the attack on Boston,the significance of Thanksgiving,Gettysburg,Bull Run,Shiloh and many other significant events in the life of America and Americans.I learned and continue to learn from a sincere passion to immerse myself in this culture,and I ain't even "scratching an American meow",as Bensangin would say.

There are many "insignificant" things to consider in evaluating your proposed union,even with your fellow American.Engaged to a fellow Nigerian,I considered the same things as listed above.The problem is that many Americans have been spoon fed to believe that Africans are so dirt poor that they will eat sputum to come here.Well folks,may I tell you that many of us,including your's sincerely,cannot wait for that day to return to Nigeria and dwell.Indeed,another member,Chinelo,mentioned the snide remarks her American husband would toss at her.While the Nigerian lady may be less prone to up and leave her man,the Nigerian man is not culturally wired to put up with a comment like that for so long.There is a phenomenon I term the Delayed Response which is a scenario where the Igbo suffers your belittling over a period without ever saying a word until,BOOM!It is all over.Keep your man or woman talkng to you,and listen.Either that or expect the Delayed Response!

Finally,I reiterate that it is flawed and discourteous for anyone to scare others at every opportunity no matter how well meaning.People need to be aware of potential scams,true.But it is also their right to not be confonted with scary news in each post.Each post has to be thread appropriate,kinda like,PG 13 means PG13,and not PG18.It also helps the rest of us to exchange views and ideas on equally important immigration and cultural issues rather than becoming embroiled in fisticuffs!

Idocare:Please give Obinna a big HUG on my behalf!

Ogele

Interesting questions. Are you from Africa? If your wife use profanity around you, you would divorce her or you all would discuss the problem?

Quote: Nigerians and indeed many Africans are often very demanding in terms of the intellectual,moral and character standards of their spouses. Unquote. Guess Americans don't demand those qualities.

Idocare..... Besangin.......Thank you all a thousand time for your story. Just so you will know, some of us do listen.

JJWashington..... yes, the letter writing does help the hurt. With my ex, I did question my action more so than his. The red flags were there but I was blind. We have to admit where we went wrong also. Learn, grow and let go.

Idocare and Besangin, you all don't even have a clue how you've help me. Just wanted to let you all know.

HakeemConstance:

Yes,I am Igbo,a Nigerian,an African and a United States Citizen.FYI,my U.S.citizenship was not acquired through marriage.

My use of the profanity example is to highlight the fact that disagreeable personal habits can be spoilers in a relationship.And yes,I would try to talk the problem over,but since Idocare’s ex-husband is not here to defend himself,I am not overly keen to assume that he simply packed his bags and left without making an effort.

With reference to the high standards demanded by African spouses,I think that it is common knowledge that all cultures demand same.The context in which I used this is to help Idocare and many others still on their visa journey to reassess their relationships,objectively.Even at graduate school,I met some Americans who,having watched too many documentaries on starving,disease ridden,poverty infested,unemployment gutted Africa,actually believed that Africans would swallow anything to come to the United States.Please read Idocare’s every posts on how Nigerians are desperate to come to the USA.

Comparing Idocare’s posts with Bensangin’s is to do Bensangin a wrong in my view.Please read Bensangin’s posts:decent,objective,informative,even humorous without losing the important message.Do you honestly believe that Bensangin has suffered less pain than Idocare?Probably not.Idocare’s is so colored with personal anger,negativity,and calls for blood that it scares rather than impart wisdom.And how long has it been since this divorce?You really cannot give good advice to people from a podium of anger or hate. I believe most people on this journey sincerely want to learn the truth in order to succeed and not to be harassed and scared into ditching their own plans

As a Nigerian engaged to a fellow Nigerian,there is little or no benefit in terms of advice on how to proceed with my relationship that I can receive on this forum,in the intercultural sense.But I am also as compassionate as I am pragmatic,sharing in the humanity of my fellow travelers regardless of ethnicity,race or nationality,hence my posts to contribute my humble ideas.Sometimes,you need to use a little tough love to help people along.This is a new year,a beautiful world with great prospects awaits,and I want Idocare and all others who hurt to let go and reach for their blessings.Ina proverb as ancient as my ancestors,"he who forgives,ends the argument."

I hope I was able to bring more clarity to my prior post.

Wow,

Thanks for all of your input, and personal messages. I read them all, now it's time for me to respond.

Many may think that I'm bitter and I want you all to know that that's not the case.

I'm simply finishing up my visa journey, you have to understand that I fought hard for this man to come here, I called my senators office and others like alot of you are doing just to push the process foward and not belabor it. I spent money I didn't really have to travel to his country because it was a requirement of us being together.

I sent him money for his interview and again flew down there to be with him at that interview, I paid 75% of his plane ticket to come here and did all the necessary paperwork.

There are some details that I won't mention that I did all in the name of love for this man. And I'm sure some of you have done some things that you won't mention. However I just find it odd that many would rather just walk away and not aler the immigration office when you KNOW that u have been used.

Some have titled me bitter in their minds and a vengeful seeking person but if you same people take a moment and reflect back to all that you have went thru maybe you would see where I'm coming from and may help another person that is considering marrying a alien especially one that they barely know.

My whole intent is to alarm USC of the possibilties that may happen to them and in my mind I feel that it's good to let USCIS know of your personal experience so that they could look out for the tred of people that may use marriage as a method of coming here.

Earlier I posted a old report on visa fraud, as I myself read it I noticed that what my ex has done is nothing new and that USCIS is aware of aliens coming into the country by this method. But now you have the internet which many have met there spouse's on and the scam just becomes bigger, then you add in the VAWA which I knew nothing about until meeting my ex. and you have big time exploitation.

The USCIS I believe, does keep track of the petitioners concerns and complaints and then how will they know that your spouse used u for a greencard unless you imform them ? I bet many bet on the USC being forgiving or slack in reporting them thus they go there way with green card in hand.

Do any of you really think that's helping the situation? I met some of my ex doctors friends while there in Nigeria and they echo wanting to come into America. If I turn the other cheek there will be many other trusting Americans getting used. And even with me speaking out there will be more and more Americans filing for that alien to come here. I post my thoughts remember isng how I was going thru the I-129, there were some that would post that their husband used them and I would quickly dismiss that thought, cause I knew my fiance loved me.....ha ha. So I know for many it won't sink in until that man is here and they have signed their aos and the grerncard arrives in the mail. I already know that many won''t listen. I didn't. I talked to this woman that married a Nigerian man in the early 80's that she met at the university they both graduated from. For whatever reason she didn't adjust his statis and he returned back to Nigerai and married some young girl in the villiage. This lady is now in her 50's and her husband now has I think she said 4 kids from this young girl. Her and him had one girl child here in America, he didn't know of her pregnancy cause he had already went back and she (college grad ) didn't tell him. Years went by then he contacted her and wanted to come back into America and had his young wife in the villiage talk to her and tell her that she wanted her kids to come to America also, that she was tired of that man and since he's still legally married to an american maybe the kids can come with him.

Last I heard from her she accepted some kind of teaching position there in Lagos and was leaving America within a few weeks. She didn't want to bring him here but wanted to spend some time there to see if after all those years that past them by if there was any chance of reunion although he had remarried there and had all those kids. Anyway she warned me that ( her words ) These men will do anything or say anything to get to their goal America. But did I listen noooooooooooooooooo,

So if I come off like I'm seeking full revenge on my ex. excuse that thought out your mind as I would be in Jail right now as I type. My goal is to enlighten those that are currently going thru what I and many others that used to post here may be going thru as I type.

Don't call me bitter or vengeful because I choose to continue my visa journey in a proper way.

I just can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to report fraud, who is that helping ?

Again I encourage all those who feel that they have been scammed to report it and support deportation for them, because you don't have to just sit there and take all the bull#$#$ that your going thru without trying to help yourself and the USCIS marriage fraud is very much real and if you don't report it in a small way your helping the alien scam you and your country.

Can you imagine if they told 10 people how they did it, and the end results ( my ex-wife did nothing and I paid little to get here because my ex paid my whole way and didn't even report me to immigration) many more aliens will be coming and many more USC will be scammed.

I don't believe in that cope out story about cultural differences because if that person really loves you they would have already taken that into consideration and actually had a tate of cultural difference's while you all spent time together.

Another mention was that it takes 2 to make a marriage work, well think of it this way, your spouse's goal is to divorce you eventually, once he gets his paperwork. If that is his goal then that's what he's gonna do. It takes 2 people willing to work at a marriage to make it work, if one decides they don't want nothing to do with you , no matter how hard u try it ain't gonna work.

Some as I believe my husband knew he was gonna leave me after he arrived and fullfilled the immigrations request ( that he marry within 90=days and cohabit with me ) before he struck out on his own.

If I come across bitter please don't think of it that way. that's totally NOT THE CASE It's just part of my personality, while married to my ex. I was a submissive women, a good women and still that didn't stop him from scamming me. If that is part of your alien spouse's plan nothing will stop them from attempting achieve their goal. Some have and will marry aliens that are already married in their country .

Now I just wish that more USC would get up and speak out on this issue if they feel they have indeed been scammed, after all look at all you went thru to get them here. Isn't it good to help others from going thru your pain ? Then how will they know if you just walk away without revealing the scammer?

Idocare,here are some talking Points for you:

Is it possible that your vendetta is not only to seek justice against a marriage fraudster,or a natural pain from a lost love,but a sub-conscious response to the realization that you may have missed out on immense economic and social gains of being married to a doctor?In other words,do you feel like this is not just any man,but a well educated “goose that would lay the golden egg?”I say so because you seem to be reacting as if this man was the only man left on earth.....or that he was simply too good to have come your way!

Nigerians and indeed many Africans are often very demanding in terms of the intellectual,moral and character standards of their spouses.Forget the fact that they may live in a developing country.Did you sincerely make an objective assessment of your compatibility with your ex husband,or did you let the fact that he lived in a “third world” country becloud your analysis of this question?

Many Africans come to the United states via marriage with the genuine plan of remaining married,until they discover that everything from the family background of their U.S. spouses (brothers in jail,sisters on drugs,uncles who are pedophiles),to the previously unrevealed mental and character health of the almighty U.S. citizen petitioner,portend risks and responsibilities they are not willing to live with.I honestly feel if my own family has never given me cause to feel ashamed,I ain’t putting up with spouse family’s drama,period!

Have you searched your soul to see if there is a possibility that you were not compatible with your ex spouse?For example,the good Lord knows I can’t stand a woman who curses!That alone is a marriage spoiler for me.What if after living together,it became very glaring that both of you have issues living together?

These are just food for thought.I genuinely wish you well,but I think we deserve to ponder on the possible scenarios I listed above.

Thanks for the laugh Constance

Omoba, the checks r usually to check to see if the Alien of our dreams have some kind of criminal background or worse, although the alien may drink your dirty bath water the uscis have to protect America against extremist.

I read a thread that some of people that blew up the world trade center got here on visas from Americans also school visas, and visitors visa,

Most of us meet these men on the net and don't really know them . What we know is what they and their family tells us. If the goal is getting to America do you really think that they will tell u the negative side of this person when here sits his free ticket to America. Not all but many aliens want to come here, When I went to the American Embassy in Lagos it was packed with all kinds of people trying to get them a visa. From what I can tell many were denied more the approved. There are other country embassys within the same area as the American embassy and those other embassies didn't even have a line in front. Girl families are very proud when there siblings find a way to get here. That's why I support the background checks and any other kind of check they want to do.

As for my saying deport deport deport , my point is if the alien you brought here scams you, you should report it so that the immigration fraud unit can learn from you another scam that's permitting a scammer to get benefits. And yes for their efforts they should be deported.

Real love is just that, and u can work thru your problems, but someone using u for a benefit they otherwise aren't entittled to should be reported period.

Be for real with yourself.

Idocare,I do not know the struggles of your past marriage,nor do I claim to know what hurt you have been through.But this much I can tell you,you would heal faster from your pain if you learn to let go.Not for your ex-husband,but for your own wellbeing and humanity.This is a new year and what ought to be a new beginning for each soul.Reach out as best as you can to cut lose from this bitter episode,and move on.

As for your comment that the American Consulate in Lagos was packed full of Nigerians wanting to immigrate to the United States,might I explain a different possible reason?Nigerians have a tendency to travel where they already have faimly,kinsmen and friends.Thus,you may find the U.K.,German,and Irish embassies as wells as some others with unusually long lines of visa applicants.There may be other reasons,but people usually tend to emmigrate to geographical regions with historical migration ties to country and countrymen.And not every visa applicant was in line for a marriage visa.

Again,I pray that you may find healing for your pain.

Ogele

about your post about Boshorun's verbage of " this is the stiring our parents have raised us with......." I believe his word stiring here is meant to repesent a meaning such as " tradition " and I don't believe it was meant to mean "we were raised to be prejudice against another tribe."

I believe he meant to say our parents have raised us with tradition that are different from others and it influences our lives today.

I can not speak for him but only tell how I understand it.

Omoba:

You may be right in your interpretation of Bashorun’s post,if so,I stand corrected.However,Nigerians with an intimate understanding of the country’s negative ethnic dynamics may read certain parts of the post the way I did.I certainly agreed with some aspects of the post,but I have enough Nigerian in me to recognize when a post incorporates subtle claims to a better tradition.In terms of greeting,certain parts of the country prostrate to elders,while other parts simply shake their elders with two hands.I have heard many times the claim that prostrating generally translates to a better upbringing.That,of course,is a farce.

I think that it is a no brainer that each country in Africa is comprised of different ethnic and cultural traditions.I also think it would be beneficial to the foreign spouses if the various values of their SOs ethnic groups are highlighted,instead of reducing the discourse to what one ethnic group does better than another.Trust me,if not nipped in the bud,it quickly degenerates to that with one post.I have seen too much of the calamity wrought by ethnicity that I have developed a zero tolerance for it.

I started posting on this forum just a week ago even though I have been a regular reader for the past couple of years.Based on one of the recent posts and responses to it,I was alarmed that many of the U.S.citizen petitioners have limited knowledge of the cultures of their loved ones.This is where the African members can play an objective and beneficial part in providing expert knowledge of their individual ethnic groups.It is also why I think this discourse to highlight the ethnicities of the various African SOs can be valuable because the U.S. citizens can PM members of such ethnic groups for more detailed knowledge,if they so choose.And regarding my response to Bashorun,there is nothing personal.My writing style tries to incorporate humor often in the form of a conversation with a friend.

Finally,per the need to teach children the cultures of their diaspora parents,it is indispensable!A very easy approach is for that parent who is African to not speak a word of English to the child,period.Also,teach the child African folktales and traditions at bedtime.Problem is that many Africans get here and for whatever reasons,develop an inferiority complex.But,ever the incorrigible optimist,I have enclosed a link I found on Nigerians who are trying to teach their kids Nigerian culture,in faraway Finland.Enjoy!

Bashorun says:

Nigeria is a well diverse country with about or over 200 ethnic groups, correct me if am wrong. This doesn't mean someone is trying to generalize or stereotype in any way. It is just the fact, we have a rich culture attached to each every tribe and which really makes it impossible to actually know someone in the real sense if U ignore learning as much as U can about the culture and tribe that person represent.

Ogele says:

Your words speak truth.

Bashorun says: why?

becos this is the stiring(strng?) in which our parents raised us with.

Ogele says:

Huh? What are you talking about here?Your parents raised you an ethnic irredentist?An ethnic xenophobist?Or in international parlance,a racist?Mine did not raise me that way,and many of my ethnic stock do not think of the rest of our country’s ethnic groups that way.

Bashorun says:

This goes both ways between the husband and wife but becos we actually living here in america, africans has a bigger share of the adjusting of american culture to learn.

Ogele says:

Okay?

Bashorun says:

For an example, it is generally known that a yoruba boy is raised with so much respect for the elders that it tells with the way he greets and address someone that is more older than him. So with this U can easily pick a yoruba boy within a group of boys.

Ogele says:

Baloney!Ever heard of the saying, “salutation is not respect”?I am Igbo,and we are taught never to bow or kneel to another man because such reverence is reserved for God only.If a person does not assist you in giving your woman orgasms,why in tarnation would you be bowing to him.The Igbo simply shake elders with two hands and averted eyes as a sincere sign of respect.If you prostrate in Igboland,you will receive a smack and a humiliating sneer such as, “how about I come by tonight and help you warm your wife’s rump?”Even then,I was always taught to respect other people’s cultures as sacred,and equal in weight in terms of the significance of what is being conveyed,as mine.

Bashorun says:

I am not trying to say a tribe is better than the other but there are ways our culture impart our way of life and this doesn't mean anything negative, actually am looking at the positive aspect of culture in which i gave an example of.

Ogele says:

Let me help you out of the ambiguity.Nigeria,nay Africa is comprised of many cultures,but it is a safe assumption that there exists an overwhelming mutuality in their philosophy of life.From their idea of marriage,family,hospitality,kindness,brotherhood,humanity and fairness,African cultures are the same.Variations might exist in the actual process say,the amount of dowry,but that is just about it.

Bashorun says:

If a marriage fails, it doesn't solely fail becos of culturer differences, it mostly fails becos either or both couple are ignorant and selfish to understanding the impact culture has in a marriage. Remember it doesn't have to be an international marriage before culture becomes a big part of it, even in nigeria marrying someone from another tribe, like a yoruba man married an igbo woman. From an american view, this is a marriage between africans but as a Nigerian we know there are culturer difference between the couple they have to overcome.

Ogele says:

Very well said!

Bashorun says:

why? becos like I said this is the stiring(string?)in which their parents has raised them with.

Ogele says:

Again,did they raise you,racist?

Bashorun says:

Again, nothing negative with what I said here.

Ogele says:

There is everything negative with your analysis.If not,why keep inserting the caveat?

Bashorun says:

We learning the american culture so wouldn't it be wise for an american spouse to learn the foreign spouse culture which actually U can achieve only when U understand the tribe where the spouse is from. This would help the marriage during the process of adjusting to american life by the foreign spouse. U would be making a big mistake saying U are learning african culture, like i said Nigeria has a diverse culture. So to close this, learn the culture of the tribe ur SO represent to better understand him or her. Just another successful marriage tips.

Ogele:

Nothing successful about the tips.

And here is one that ought to put the Western media who depict Nigeria and Africa as no more than a vast,disease ridden,war ravaged,hunger smitten and backward jungle to shame.This is a different perspective.Not perfect,but certainly modern Nigeria.

And oh,I hope your computers can play the refreshingly authentic Nigerian songs,masterfully rendered in a few of the many languages our country is blessed with.

Here is my contribution to the video collection(please click on the link below).A friend emailed same to me and,it has never stopped reminding me how much I miss the country I call home,Nigeria.It is a snippet of the beauty,cultural diversity and immense potentials of our country.It also gives you a glimpse of the grandeur that is Africa.All the places and people are 100% Nigerian.To all those married or engaged to Nigerians,watch closely,and you will see that our fathers had been falling in love with beautiful foreign women since many moons ago.Enjoy!

Besangin:

I am glad that many who have responded to your post will not be judges in a real criminal court(knock on wood).I say so because innocent souls would hang on mere assumptions.Our ancestors,those wise sages,have an ancient proverb that, “the mind is like a bag,and every person carries their own.”You can only know the contents of my "bag" if I choose to show you.Based on this ancient counsel,I am inclined to agree with Omoba’s initial response to your post.Besangin,there is very limited information you provided to attempt an objective analysis.Hence,any responses that claim to explain your ex husband’s heart based on your post will be patently flawed.Only your ex husband can truly tell what his true original and current intensions/feelings are.

Now,the popular theme in most of the responses thus far is that your ex husband is lying to save face among family and friends,in Nigeria.To be sure,we Nigerians and Africans in general abhor divorce.But there is a fine print that follows,one which those not conversant with the various traditions miss.The beauty of many a Nigerian cultural worldview is that there can never be finality to anything.Not even death!We scorn divorce,yes,but we also say that it is better for a man or woman to get out of a perilous marriage than to die in it.That is why you hardly hear of a spouse killing their partner in Nigeria.If it becomes most intolerable,people do leave marriages,and families do offer succor to their own.

I do not feel comfortable revealing this,but if it will help even one decent soul out there safeguard their marriage and happiness,then it is worthwile.When you hear the truth that Nigerian cultures hold divorcees in contempt,please know that this for the most part applies to couples whose union has been solemnized under a mutually shared cultural philosophy of marriage.For example,in my neck of the woods Nigeria,a marriage takes place only after very exhaustive traditional marriage processes,from the initial declaration of interest;traditional family background checks(formal or informal:whose daughter or son is your spouse? Is there a history of stealing and or crimes in the family?Are they hardworking,or more inclined to doing jail terms for crimes?Serioulsy,no kindred wants in-laws who are bad news);to the very important and solemn negotiation of the dowry which culminates in the traditional marriage ceremony,as witnessed by one’s village elders,kinsmen,age grade,and yes,the ancestors through libation.You see,the traditional marriage process is a family’s way of saying, “we drink to this sacred union because we find our child to be worthy of our family name.”It is a marriage consummated through this most rigorous and complex process that earns the scorn of family and friends in the event of a frivolous divorce.Other than that,no one really gives a hoot wether the marriage starts,or ends. On this basis,your ex has little or no reason to lie.All he needs say is that he simply wanted out.

Secondly,just as Western societies have their pre-conceived beliefs about the values of traditional African societies,so also do the latter societies have theirs of the West.It is believed in Nigeria that the institution of marriage in America is no more than a sad joke.Americans are believed to place a high premium on divorce.I think that the statistics are there to prove it.It is this preconception that would eliminate the need for your ex husband to lie on the one hand,and his family or friends to shun him over the divorce,on the other hand.Unless you were loved unconditionally by his family(a love that comes via mutual bonding between in-laws and potential spouse,over time),I think they would simply say to him, “we told you so.”Now,please remember that all this has nothing to do with the quality of lady you are.

In summary,I have a belief that you are a decent lady.I also know that your Mr.Charming is out there searching for you.My prayer is that you two run into each other sooner than later,amen.But regarding your ex husband,you can never know the truth unless he tells you.I personally feel it is not worth a broken penny trying to analyze what he has been saying about your past relationship.It may be tempting to do so but,stay strong. To all my fellow travelers,I hope that I can find time to share some of the avoidable snafus readily discernable in intercultural marriages of the African and American species.They are those "inconsequential" issues in American culture,but "abomination" in the African worldview.Truly,it is the little things that have been known to unravel otherwise beautiful trans-Atlantic marriages.I wish you all well,and a most rewarding 2008!

Besangin:

Contrary to your assertion,my prior post was in no way directed at you.While I am not given to flattery,I have actually believed your posts to be refined,objective,and valuable for those members dispassionate enough to glean wisdom from your comments.I say so because your posts have a background,some context within which we can at least weigh your comments.There have been many other posts here without a context,except that the foreign spouses,mostly Nigerian men (please review the many previous posts) are the culprits.Really?

It is easy to demonize partners in a failed relationship,that is not my concern here,but it is also important to be honest about the risks we also take by meeting someone on the internet.It is high risk,ladies and gentlemen.But who is to say that dreams don’t come true in mysterious ways?My point is,by embarking upon this journey,you shoulder double the obstacles and efforts than many couples of the same culture do.I am not going to do you a disservice by claiming it will be easy.I am engaged to a fellow Nigerian whom I have known from childhood,one who speaks not just my language but my dialect,and I can tell you,it aint been a tea party.

Here is a summary of my argument using an anecdote:dating online is equivalent to lending to a very very very very not so credit worthy borrower.However,in the midst of these scammers are a few decent fellows.Desirous to leave their home countries?Yes!Capable of actually falling in love with their foreign spouses?ABSOLUTELY!The risk you bear is in taking the chance of which “borrower” lands in your net,and what you do after that.I am sorry if I speak in parables,but this is how we African men put our truth out for consumption.The truth is,I want all of you with genuinely good hearts and intentions to find true happiness.No decent human deserves any less.Stay focused,enjoy the moment and yes, TRUST.

Finally,just like Besangin and others have noted,do not invest more than you are willing to lose in your relationship.But do not hold back that which is reasonable to make your dreams come true.Sorry,I have no formula here, as you alone can do that delicate balancing.I think that if many other African men would be willing to post here,the benefits would be immeasurable.Goodluck to each and everyone of you on their various journeys.