kapakahi

I'll have to check these out - I am a language geek and am currently studying Nepali - my favorite site is http://www.phrasebase.com.

One caveat about moving to his country. If he lives in a developing country, you may make a comfortable living there but it may not be 125% of the poverty limit that you will need to sponsor your husband when you decide to come back. An additional sponsor might be required.

I was just musing about that the other day, wondering how that might work. On second thought it might not be feasible. I doubt that my mom would co-sponsor if she is not even willing to cosign on an apartment for me. If we go the DCF route and he gets the visa in his country, how long would I have to come back, reestablish myself, get a job before his visa expires? Does DCF only work if you have a trust fund or something like that back in the US?

I would probably only be able to make maximum $400/month in his country(probably lower) so this is a problem.

That is a good thing as far as the tax penalty goes. But, do you want to borrow money, even from yourself? Isnt' that just adding fuel to your already increasing fire?

I know this one. Really, I do. In retrospect, if there had been any other way, I wish I had taken it. Life is financially unstable now and it's absolutely no picnic. I love my husband and would do it all over again if I had to; but, I do wish things were financially easier now.

That hole you are currently digging will get even deeper even when he gets here, before it stops.

If it is the only way I can get enough money to put down for an apartment, then I will have to do it, otherwise we will be in the street... Since I filed for bankruptcy in '01 and I have no cosigner I may need to put up a few months' rent in addition to first, last, deposit... 5% interest is better than the rates on most credit card I would qualify for. My roommate has said we can stay with him for a few weeks or months until we get our feet on the ground but it will be very tight - it will be three adults in a small 1-bedroom, 1 bath apartment. The bedroom door does not lock or close properly(it is a prewar building with funky doorknobs/locks) so there will be no privacy unless my roommate is away... I just don't know what else to do...

Yup, I did it. I married a guy from Jordan who seemed like a great guy while I was posted in Iraq and he was working there too. We have a child he finally got here to see once the little guy was 14 months old, but the marriage is NOT working out and he seems somewhat reluctant to get and keep a job.

I'm feeling a bit used here. His brother got sponsored to come here a year before him so I KNOW that he knows the "ins-and-outs" of the process including filing to be separate from me in a divorce, but proving the marriage was bona-fide (having a baby). He was a responsible worker while I knew him in Iraq and was even helping to support his family in Jordan, but he's been a YEAR without a job (6 months in Jordan waiting for his appt at the Embassy) and now 6 months here.

I NOW fully comprehend the depth of the I-864, but my God, I am having trouble making ends meet now! I cannot possibly support our baby AND him!!! Do I have any rights as the US Citizen in this situation whatsoever???

Oh yea, and BTW, if he manages to get out of the country and back to Jordan with our little guy, I have NO custodial rights in the Middle East as a Christian mother. Jordan does NOT participate in the Hague Convention for the return of abducted children. So, I have this additional fun little thing to worry about if he decides to "go home" as a result of the divorce...

Women beware! Marrying for love can put you in some STUPID and SCARY situations...

Take a look at Tito's post on "Successful withdrawl of I 864". I can not remember the exact situation but I know he was able to withdraw the affidavit of support.

Withdrawal is possible, either:

1. prior to adjudication of the adjustment application (which is clearly not the case here)

2. a compelling report of fraud by the USC petitioner

Since he has his green card, but is in conditional status since we were not married for two years when he got here, all that happens for him next is applying to remove the conditional status at the end of being here two years, right? What happens to him if I end up declaring bankruptcy (entirely possible between his ability to keep spending money though he isn't supplying any and supporting our son) and can no longer meet the demands of the I-864??? Would he have to find a new sponsor (his brother has been here for over a year already).

No, I don't think so! My feeling is that bankruptcy would not alleviate you from a court order to pay a sum of money to a government agency as a result of the responsibility you are obliged to under the terms of the Affidavit of Support. In bankruptcy proceedings, an applicant can reduce certain debt ~ dischargeable debts. Some debt is not dischargeable. You'd have to speak with a bankruptcy attorney to double check, but I would sense that the US government would be considered "secured" and/or "first priority" debt.

Meeting the demands of the I-864 is not a choice, it's a requirement for you.

Well, if I end up having to declare bankruptcy, I will most likely lose my job and won't have the money to support him anyway and my mother certainly isn't going to let him move into her home if I have to move back to her house via losing my house...

Why do you think you will likely lose your job and/or house if you file for BK? It should have no effect on your job - I filed for chapter 7 in '01 and nobody even knew - fortunately most people have better things to do than read the Legal Notices in the back of the newspaper I guess.

Also, unless the new laws have changed, you will not lose your house - there is a 'homestead exemption' - since I rent it did not apply to me but I think unless you are living in a McMansion you will be fine. I hope it will not come to that point, but just trying to allay your fears. GL.

Sorry I wasn't really clear on the festival expense - it was not for my hubby to go party and so on, it was for a gift for him to give his grandparents from us as a newlywed couple at this particular time of year which is a tradition in his country - since I could not be there in person I did not want to be stingy in this regard.

My So comes from a poor country in Africa. It is very very hard to find work there and for many, you have to have money in order to find work. Which is a vicious circle. But I guess your post struck me for a couple of reasons. My SO had contract work and he had quit because they sent him all over Africa to work on a moments notice. That wasn't conducive to this process obviously and he's looking for something in Ghana that is more stable. It's been about a year, so I think he's near if not already has, exhausted his savings from his last job. He never asks me for money. I've asked him a few times how he's doing with money and he always says, I'll manage baby. Culturally, for him to ask his "wife" for money is embarassing and I don't think he'd ever do it. I ask him questions about what he ate and stuff like that and I think that he would go to one of his brothers for help with money or something he needs rather than ask me. Because he sees his role as the provider. I realize that if something happened and I felt I really wanted to send him money, I could send money via western union or however people do it, and then he'd have no choice cause it's already done. (He's stubborn as a mule, so I might have to coerce but whatever) I would however, say this.....Bassi and I talk about money often just so he hears the numbers. My $1000 mortgage is absurd to him. It has no real value in a country where people make $100 a month. But I think that the more he hears the numbers the closer he can get to the reality when he's here of trying to understand our monetary system and the costs of things here. So many of the men on the Africa-Sub-Saharan board are going through a similar situation and they struggle desparately with feeling like less than a man because they aren't working. There has to be a balance in what you expect from your husband and his ability to understand our system and what he is asking you to do. Asking your for money to go to a festival is frivolous to me. If my fiance's mother say (God protect her) were sick and he couldn't get money anywhere for the hospital stay, I would hope he would ask me. But his pride and self respect would not allow him to ask me for money to party or play. So, maybe you need to be having a serious conversation with your husband because money issues is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country. So even if he isn't trying to scam you for a GC you could end up on the same path.

I would also add, that when I said to my SO, Fine, I'll come live in Ghana. He asked me when he should pick me up at the airport! Moving there would happen soooooo much faster than moving here, and he wants to be with me, married to me, living life with me.......the where we can work out however. And it would not be "easy" for me to find work there, because I"m a public administrator here. Are you sure your husband wouldn't be okay with you moving there and living there for a while? I find it odd, that he's so married to the idea of being in the US. Maybe you're misreading his intent and he'd be happy for you to move there.

So sorry to hear your worries. As said above, if you have an doubts at all, what harm is there in postponing?

I was fortunate in that before arriving in the States I worked my ***s off in the UK to save as much money as poss.

This was so that when my EAD wait occurred, there werent any extra financial hurdles.

If you have any doubts about his intentions, then really slow down. How does he react at the suggestion of not living in the US?

It must be very difficult to be able to sense sincerity, when your husband stands to gain so much more than just a wife.

I remember back in the UK, when I had my own flat in a nice part of London, everytime Id meet a new guy, they

would miraculously become homeless within 2 weeks of meeting.. its tricky.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you make a decision that is right for you.

x

We had a discussion a couple of weeks ago and he said well then come here(to his country) so maybe it's a possibility, though like I said I would be worried about killing my career if/when we ever come back here. If I were to get a well-paying teaching job it would pay $400/month, many pay much less than that. Then again, rent is $50/month - $150 will get you a fully furnished apt. with all the mod cons.

This kind of situation where hubby benefits at the expense of the wife reminds me of stories I have heard of wives working their tails off putting their hubby through med or law school, only to have him leave once he is making good money and can afford a 'trophy' wife. I guess it can happen with a USC as well...

So sorry to hear your worries. As said above, if you have an doubts at all, what harm is there in postponing?

I was fortunate in that before arriving in the States I worked my ***s off in the UK to save as much money as poss.

This was so that when my EAD wait occurred, there werent any extra financial hurdles.

If you have any doubts about his intentions, then really slow down. How does he react at the suggestion of not living in the US?

It must be very difficult to be able to sense sincerity, when your husband stands to gain so much more than just a wife.

I remember back in the UK, when I had my own flat in a nice part of London, everytime Id meet a new guy, they

would miraculously become homeless within 2 weeks of meeting.. its tricky.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you make a decision that is right for you.

x

The problem with the working your butt off part is that it is usually not possible in the 3rd world countries.

You go to the central business area of his capital city and there are so many institutes offering 'Study in US/UK/Aus' 'TOEFL' 'Work Abroad' - on every block there is at least 1 or 2 of these signs. I mean this is why I could get part-time teaching work fairly easily. Everyone wants to leave because there is no work there. I saw the Yellow Pages once and looked at employment agencies - they were all agencies focused on exporting workers to other countries, not ones for local jobs.

No I don't really 'know' and that is what is killing me now, especially after he asked for the additional $$ after I told him my financial situation. There is someone else on the forum who thought she 'knew' and then after 5 years byebye... This is what scares me.

Looked at in harsh light he is doing very little to make it all happen, except for taking classes in computer skills(networking, graphic design) which he hopes he can use when he is working here - also he is taking driving lessons. He says he is willing to do any job when he is here - waiter, security guard, etc. But in terms of thinking ahead towards actually moving away from home, going forward with the visa process, etc. , I think he feels that I will take care of everything and it is creating some resentment in me especially whe he adds money requests to the mix... He does not seem very curious about the visa process at all, does not even really question why it is taking me so long to get it moving... I think he feels that I will do everything and he just has to show up...

I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.

I think what you said about him asking for additional money even after you told him about your financial situation is a bit of a worry.

If you put the visa and moving etc etc aside - maybe this is a part of his character that you just aren't comfortable with. It does seems strange to me that he doesn't seem to care if you are eating or not as long as you send cash. If he was totally unaware of your financial situation - well that would be different.

Reverse the situation. You are struggling to make ends meet and you call and ask him for money - he explains that he is just barely getting by - what would be your reaction? You would probably make do with what you have and not cause him any further hardship. Those would be your standards. If he isn't of the same mind - that could be a problem.

And while I think it is good that he is taking classes and learning to drive etc etc - looking to make a better future for the two of you - the fact that he isn't taking responsibility for his house is also of concern.

As far as him not being interested in the visa process, that doesn't seem strange to me at all, I would venture a guess that in 80% of the relationships represented on this board there is 1 person who is looking after the visa details. I suspect this bothers you as he appears not to be taking responsibility for ANYTHING and this is just one more thing to add to the list (which isn't wrong - just the way it is).

So you are probably asking yourself how you can resolve this. Is there any other way, other than going to his country to live? Probably not, maybe that is what you should be looking at doing. I certainly wish you good luck and happiness.

To his credit, under the current circumstances I am fairly comfortable financially - it is not like I am living on ramen noodles - we even tell each other what we ate every day when we IM because he knows I love the food from his country, especially if his mom made it. Since I have been living with a roommate in a rent controlled apartment I have been able to travel to his country 3 times in the last few years. Eating mostly homemade veg food and using public transit helps to save, as long as I am not also paying market rent. However, if we get our own market rate apartment as long as he is not working it will be an additional at least $7-900 per month expense on my part(additional rent/food/transit pass/health insurance) and I only bring home $2K monthly. God help us if there is any emergency in that time because there will be no extra and I am not accustomed to living that close to the edge financially. It will be stressful on top of all the other adjustment issues. I am trying to save in anticipation for that and that is what he doesn't understand. Yes I can afford to send it to him without a huge sacrifice on my part *now*, but it is the expectation that bothers me as well as the fact that he is not aware of how much things will cost when he comes and I have to pay for everything. At the moment I am fairly flush so I think that is why he feels no shame in asking.

This may sound stereotypical but some cultures are not as forward-thinking as others and have a more 'live now' attitude and I am wondering if this may be part of the problem - just trying to give him as much credit as I can since I do love him, do want a future with him and do want it to work out - bailing out is not an option for me at this point.

Thanks for your take on our situation - I just wanted to add that my returement account is an annuity(TIAA-CREF) not a 401-K so I can take out a loan on it which I have to pay back at 5% interest - there is no tax penalty I think, at least according to my boss...

Hmmm.... this is so tough... only you can decide, but if he is doing this for love, then I would expect that he would understand and tolerate a delay (with no allowance) while you get your financial house in order... just an idea. It may be best not to rush into this if your intuition is waving red flags for you.

Can you take a leave of absence or something and go spend some more time with him?

As someone who occasionally feels like the "husband" (although those stereotypical role definitions are a bit outdated... dontcha think?), it is a fair amount of work, especially with a spouse whose employment opportunities are limited due to poor English skills and no college degree. It'll be years and a lot of hard work and maybe more school before my husband makes what I make, if ever, and I'm just a lowly govt employee with a pretty low salary.

I'm wondering what is he doing to help make this all happen?

Just a few thoughts...

Best wishes, whatever you decide...

Maya

Looked at in harsh light he is doing very little to make it all happen, except for taking classes in computer skills(networking, graphic design) which he hopes he can use when he is working here - also he is taking driving lessons. He says he is willing to do any job when he is here - waiter, security guard, etc. But in terms of thinking ahead towards actually moving away from home, going forward with the visa process, etc. , I think he feels that I will take care of everything and it is creating some resentment in me especially whe he adds money requests to the mix... He does not seem very curious about the visa process at all, does not even really question why it is taking me so long to get it moving... I think he feels that I will do everything and he just has to show up...

I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.

Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

I agree with you, though i think you are being a bit harsh. How many petitioners think they are in 'mutual loving relationships not in green card/financial arrangements' but the beneficary has other ideas? A lot of times(some of which I have seen on this forum) the petitioner does not know until years into the marriage that his/her spouse was playing a game.

I do love him very much, but at the same time I am trying not to go forth with blinders on - I was previously involved with someone from the same country who later admitted that if his family had let him he would have married me only for a GC and stick around for 2 years, so I am scared.

Personally I do not care where we live as long as we can have a reasonably secure future. He is not now working(he is taking computer networking courses) and jobs are very limited in his country, so he does not have income.

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

Anette

See, that right there. I agree with that.

I would sell my soul if I had to in order to get my love here. I'm barely hanging on financially, but I'll do what I have to do. Period. End of story for me.

I know though, that he's not using me for anything. You don't "know" that do you? That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with.

No I don't really 'know' and that is what is killing me now, especially after he asked for the additional $$ after I told him my financial situation. There is someone else on the forum who thought she 'knew' and then after 5 years byebye... This is what scares me.

I have been posting regularly under another username but feel the need to vent anonymously.

I have been getting ready to file for CR-1/K-3 visa for my husband - we married in his (poor)country in June but I have been delaying filing because I have plenty of doubts. I think we married too soon for me to undertake something like the visa process which will disrupt my life(USC) perhaps even more than his - I wish I could have spent more time with him in his country, possibly even years, seeing what I alone will have to do to make a life for us here... I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.

I live in a very expensive metro area and really cannot afford even a studio on my salary - it is enough for the Affadavit of Support(a little over $40K) but not to live comfortably here without an additional income. To save on expenses I have been sharing a 1-bedroom apt. with a roommate. I envy those of you lliving in modest areas who have a nice cozy nest, only your SO is missing... I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would be hard for me to move because I am in a hard-to-get-work field and do not drive so need to live in a major metro with decent transit and that means $$$ rent. In order to rent an apt. I will need to save up or borrow from my retirement account maybe $3-6K(depending on how many months' rent I will need to offer up front because of my sucky credit and if I have to go through a broker), that is if I am lucky to find a place for $1k/month that doesn't have 10 people with stellar credit ahead of me in line. Then there are the expenses for furniture, etc. My parents have not offered to help me even one bit, even to cosign on a lease. So in addition to visa fees, his airfare(about $1400), etc. I will need to pay that and he cannot contribute anything. So until he can find work I will be seriously overextended and if he gets K-3 then how long until he gets EAD/GC?

So all of this is weighing very heavily on my mind...I was thinking about how am I going to get the visa app fees together and then he asks me yesterday if I can send money because one of his family members is sick - I just sent him money for a festival 2 weeks ago and now he is asking me again. I am older than he is by more than 10 years and all of this is bringing up so many doubts... I am feeling like the stereotypical desperate old USC who is being taken for a ride and then he will leave me as soon as he gets GC... I am ready to say to hell with the visa, if you really want to be with me then we will live in your country even if your job opportunities are not as good... but deep inside I am feeling like he married me only so he can make money overseas to help his family, hopefully this is only partially the reason and not the whole reason... About children he says we can adopt, even though he is the only son in the family - I feel like in his culture this is very odd even though he says adoption is becoming more and more accepted. He may be genuine but only time will tell - I do love him and want to believe but it hurt me so much when he asked me for money twice in such a short time span - it just sounds so much like some of the scammer stories I have read. I did not send it to him a second time.

I would move to his country in a heartbeat - I traveled there several times before I met him and know it very well, speak some of his language and had people interested in interviewing me for teaching positions. He says 'we will move back after living in USA' but I am thinking it would be so much cheaper to move there and not to have to deal with low salaries/high rents here. Also I should not be saying this about my own husband but I feel like I want to test him and make sure he is not with me only for the "2 year plan', after me going through so much hell to bring him here and to make a nice life for the both of us. My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.

Any thoughts? I know, I should have waited longer to marry, but it is normal in his culture to marry quickly.