jetset55

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the people that supported me through this.

The person in question is back in her home country, the relationship is ended and the appointment with a divorce lawyer is for Tuesday.

Everything worked out thanks to some GREAT advice and support.

Couldn't have done it without some very CARING and WISE people.

THANKS AGAIN TO ALL!!!

Jetset55

BTW ***whispering****

Dont tell her we gave you all this good advice.

...and it's wonderful advice ***whispering***

I changed my handle just because I was paranoid she was reading the website. Maybe she's reading now...SHHHHHHH.

Spoke with her again, was a little more honest, but she keeps asking about the visa.

Won't give in, y'all, don't worry. Have a great support group!!!

Lawyer said to document death threats with a notary, doesn't think she has a leg to stand on regarding the divorce, marriage is probably invalid to start with, she doesn't have any means to contest it either...

Some good news, just trying to get some peace and move on. Feel sorry for her because she made some stupid decisions, but that's just me. An old softy.

An old 37 year softy that has been in too many relationships where he couldn't say no...

Is he learning yet?

Thanks to the help of some great folks.

Will keep you up to date as things move on. Looks like will have to move over to a divorce forum to continue the topic.

SALUDOS!

Jet

So I lied and told her I would call the consulate to see if the problem could be straightened out, I hate to do that but otherwise she would have been hysterical again. I needed to find out if she had gone and what had happened. Thank goodness the embassy responded to my request so quickly.

God bless,

Jetset55

I'm glad that you're still resolute in your decision but to be honest you really aren't doing yourself or her any good by lying at this stage.

So she'll be hysterical again? She's going to be even more hysterical when she finds out you lied about it.

You've already done the hardest part...be up front from here on out and ensure she knows it's over or you're going to have to continually make up more lies...and she's just going to keep bugging you about it and contacting you.

Thanks pj1959us, you're right of course.

That little interchange was just a microcosm of the relationship. Little lies to help her handle the truth, enough to keep her from losing control and becoming violent. It's hard to do when you are a fundamentally honest person.

But it's hard not to fall back into that pattern, when that is all you know. It avoids the outbreak and at the end the job gets done, but then the person doesn't understand why you "lied". I never understood why she couldn't handle the truth, and that is at the core of why we can't be together.

If you cannot be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your actions, then you don't get my respect...

Well, thanks pj1959us, you're absolutely right. Tommorow I am seeing a lawyer to explain the situation and receive counsel. Before proceeding I wanted to document the death threats and also ensure that there were no legal snares she could trip me with before proceeding with the absolution dissolution of the relationship.

Jetset55

BTW, they said what she said about not getting another visa was BS, more cheap manipulation. 'nuf said...

jet

Just to give you guys some feedback, I spoke to the young lady today with the intention of finding out if she had gone to the interview, if in fact the fax had arrived and the petition had been cancelled, I didn't get a chance to confirm because the embassy was closed on Friday for a Christmas party.

She did in fact go and tried to convince them that it was a mistake, fortunately they stuck to their guns and I confirmed again this afternoon.

This girl is really desperate and it just reminds me of everything that I dislike about her.

I confirmed again with the staff here that it was indeed cancelled, and will follow up with another fax confirming the verbal confirmation.

It's really sad because this young woman knows what she wants, but she goes about getting it all the wrong way.

She prefers to make other people's lives miserable in order to enrich her own, has not gotten hold of the golden rule yet???

So I lied and told her I would call the consulate to see if the problem could be straightened out, I hate to do that but otherwise she would have been hysterical again. I needed to find out if she had gone and what had happened. Thank goodness the embassy responded to my request so quickly.

Thanks to all your help, I am very content alone at home, by myself but at peace with the world, no longer hating it...

God bless,

Jetset55

OMG! This sounds so much like something I went through about 5 years ago that it's not even funny. An emotional manipulator - check; Had immigration trouble in the past - check; Threats of "suicide" - check; Threats/pressure from her family - check; Suddenly was more worried about losing financial support and getting into the US than she was about my well-being or our recently ended relationship - check! Guess what? Less than two weeks later, she had herself posted up on dating sites again after a year long relationship. Wow, she must have really cared about ME! Wanna bet your ex does the same? Why feel sorry for someone who can be so abusive to you, and then only be concerned about hurting her chances of entering this country. Love bites, I know. But you have to buck up and get some self-esteem.

My advice, as much as it hurts, and because you seem like a nice guy, is to cease ALL communication with this person NOW...and I mean, like yesterday. Change your number and get a new email address. Let your friends and family know what the new contact info will be, and cease checking the old email address. Also, let them know- if they happened to be close with her - not to have any communication with her either. I did the same, and I don't regret it for a moment.

You made a sound choice in getting her to go back while trying to make up your mind about this situation. Why change it now, when YOU know that you were so very correct about ending this thing? It's going to be rough on you for awhile...weeks, maybe months. But you are going to be SO FAR better off in the long-run. It seemed like hell at the time for me too, but all things soon will pass. And now I am going to be with the woman of my dreams very soon, someone who I have tremendous respect for, and has respect for me...and we show it to each other every single day without any question of reciprocity.

Sounds like you are starting to get it under control. Believe me, you're doing the right thing.

Good luck mate...we're all here for you

you're the best...thanks.

YOU'RE ALL THE BEST!!!

OK, thanks guys.

You can't imagine how much it cheers me up to have this support.

Thanks for slogging through the loooooooooong thread to the end, hope it was worth it.

YES, in fact she is a real drama queen, and this is real life, happening the very same day and as we speak...

Will call the embassy tomorrow to confirm the cancellation and then get a lawyer to work on the rest. Can you say "restraining order"???

THX!!!!

Wanted to ask for more quick help--girlfriend is desperate and says that if I stop the petition that she won't be able to get another one:

"I know that you are sufficiently intelligent and mature to find a solution to reopen the petition, but I still wanted to give you information that some immigration professionals gave me here, they said there are two ways, the first is that you come and talk to the embassy personally saying that when you cancelled the petition you were nervous or that we had had a fight and a misunderstanding which we fixed, that you didn't know what you were doing, were confused and stressed and that you were unsure because you were so far away, they say you can also say that by telephone.

With regards to whether the consulate will believe me enough to give me the visa, they say that the history of your relationship together is more than sufficient to convince them.

What they all agree on is that if you don't reopen the petition, it is improbable that they would give me a fiancee visa in the future, that they have seen cases where the people get married and then after a time divorce, but it is almost never the case that someone cancels a petition and that might make them think that it is fraud."

I AM NOT GOING TO MARRY THIS WOMAN, but I don't want to destroy her.

QUESTION: If I cancel the petition, does this affect her negatively for future visas with other persons?

I stated in the fax I sent last Thursday "without predjudice"?

Thanks, YOU GUYS ARE GREAT!!!

Well, I told her and now she is hysterical and depressed.

She loves me, she can't live without me, how could I do this to her, if she only could have the visa everything would be different...even her family joined in to lambaste me by e-mail. It's just one big party. :S

I feel like just going ahead with the visa and alleviating her pain, but then what? Another 2 years of staying in the same place and not moving ahead?

Then I am married to her in the US and what would she do to me then?

Is it worth the risk?

She sounds desperate, almost suicidal. It's bad.

Anyways...

You have a good heart to be so concerned about her, but only she is responsible for her words and actions. You can not save her from herself. I can't tell you what to do about this relationship, but to me it sounds like you would like to break apart and move on with your life. If thats true then take care of yourself and your needs. You wouldn;t be doing her any good anyway if you sacrifice yourself to give her something she wants.

Good luck.

remember how she treated you and how that made you feel when you were together before.....despite what she says now....she will not change.

You deserve....as we all do...someone who lifts us up.....not brings us down.

There's no easy way out of this type of situation. Trust me, I've been there. I do say hang in there 'cus you probably made the right decision given what you've told us. You'll hurt, she'll hurt, but you'll move on. I'd stick to that.

For people who don't even know me, you have been a tremendous help.

I want to write to her, console her, tell her everything will be OK, just like I always did...until the next blow up.

It was always a repeating cycle. She would become hysterical over something that I had done or not done, then it was the battle of the wills, then the battle of the minds, then who could yell the loudest, things that are not part of me--manipulation and violence. Never had that happen to me before.

But when she got her pacifier "papi loves you", then she would turn into the most beautiful and tender person, sucking away at it.

A little Jeykll and Hyde. But it's the Hyde part I remember in moments like this. I am a fool, but I remember how tender and caring she was (at times) and how much this must hurt her.

Like I say, even her family wrote me to remind me of how cowardly I am, more of the same.

Thanks for your help. I'm sticking to my guns and we'll see what happens. We have no future together, I am sure of that, I just hate to see my little baby hurting so badly. I know how awful this must be for her. I've been there and it ain't pretty. But I guess I survived, and she created this with her pattern of manipulation and threats to get what she wanted.

It was the only way...

Thanks again y'all, just pouring out my heart on a Saturday afternoon.

Thanks...Jetset55

Well, I told her and now she is hysterical and depressed.

She loves me, she can't live without me, how could I do this to her, if she only could have the visa everything would be different...even her family joined in to lambaste me by e-mail. It's just one big party. :S

I feel like just going ahead with the visa and alleviating her pain, but then what? Another 2 years of staying in the same place and not moving ahead?

Then I am married to her in the US and what would she do to me then?

Is it worth the risk?

She sounds desperate, almost suicidal. It's bad.

Anyways...

Wrote the letter, sent a prayer and sent it.

Sounds silly, but even like this, after being with someone for three years, you still hesitate before breaking it off.

Guess we're all human.

Thanks for the encouragement Matt85.

With many tears I called the embassy Thursday and made my intention known to abandon the petition for the K1 visa.

I followed up with a fax on the same day. They were closed today and my significant other is very worried after not hearing from me since Wednesday evening.

I should have tried to get a receipt for her police record and send the affidavit of support but I have done neither.

The relationship is slowly slipping away, and I weep when I think of all the good times we have had together.

I composed a beautiful good-bye e-mail, but no longer have the heart to send it.

It is for the best, and for both of our futures, but I have never been very good at good-byes.

I really did love her, although she was a bit crazy. It was simply a mistake to join lives with someone who had a different vision and mentality.

And now I (and she) must pay the price for making "the two become one" only to later "put them asunder".

I need to get some sleep, anyone have any encouraging words to make this easier?

JetSet55

It took so long because we first applied for a K3 visa based on a marriage in Mexico which was rejected because her divorce from a previous marriage was not finalized. But the marriage is still there, albeit probably invalid, and she has used that to threaten me as well.

If that divorce was never finalized then the K1 won't work, either - as I understand it, you both must have been free to marry at the time the petition was filed. She wasn't. Now you've got 2 good reasons why the visa wouldn't have worked out anyway, the waiver mentioned earlier and the same thing that killed the K3 will kill the K1. I think, anyway - can anyone tell me if I'm right about that?

Well, the government did not consider the Mexican marriage valid for the aforementioned reason, and therefore MUST consider the K1 visa as a a valid application because they themselves rejected the K3 visa.

But in itself the marriage isn't much good because she does not have legal migratory status in Mexico and was still married when we married.

Beyond that I have no assets in Mexico, etc. etc.. I think this part is OK.

Just looking for a way to end it where I can still make it look like it wasn't my fault. But if there is none, I'll belly up and get it done. No harm in that, she'll get over it. I just feel bad for her. Even if she is a psychopath, she was very excited about the visa. She is like a little, spoiled kid, that's the best way to describe it.

No, I don't think she would attempt to regain entry into the US, but it is within her ability financially and otherwise.

She is not particularly violent, but makes threats, and I don't appreciate that.

If I just cancel the process that is enough, but I'm a merciful soul and don't want her to be hurt.

But it's been three years living like this, being faithful to her, while still taking care that she wasn't feeling too rejected or otherwise.

It took so long because we first applied for a K3 visa based on a marriage in Mexico which was rejected because her divorce from a previous marriage was not finalized. But the marriage is still there, albeit probably invalid, and she has used that to threaten me as well.

At the end, I'm sure it's all hot air, but just covering my bases. I would like to be careful and finesse this as much as I can. I don't like to hurt people's feelings or create undue resentment in a situation, I don't think it's healthy.

Take care you all, I think I'm making progress and will keep in touch with what happens.

...and also I felt responsible for her. She always said that it was my fault that she had fallen so hard for me, and that I needed to keep my commitment to marry her.

This was certaintly one of the worst decisions I have made, one that I have learned volumes from and hope that I don't live to regret...

It sees unusual thatsomeone could be in this country without a visa and illegally for three years and get a K1 approval but then again who knows with immigrations.

She did not have the K1 approved but the I-129F. The K1 will be approved or not at the interview. For what I know, because of her illegally stay she would have the visa denied and be able to file the I-601 waiver.

This is correct. I'm not one for lying, but could you tell her that you've just learned that due to her previous overstay, her visa will be denied? Depending on the country, approval of the 601 waiver is in no way a sure thing, so it's not a total lie . . .

KitKat1, that is EXACTLY what I am looking for. Something plausible to explain why she wouldn't get the visa but not make me the bad guy. I even thought of calling the embassy and asking that they deny her, but then I thought they would think I'm a total idiot, and I don't want a denial to be on her record either.

You might just want to go ahead and fake your own death.

Juuuust kidding.

Good luck to you,

Sarah

Some days I wished I could have...

Is the only reason she went back to Bolivia because of your K1 petition?

Yes, she is a person that cannot accept the truth and let go. This was the only civil way that she would leave.

Thanks for the posts.

You are all right, just need to get it done.

She is simply "emotional", and I had never experienced anything like this in the past (relationships).

One minute she's screaming and wants to cut your **** off, and the next minute she is crying and begging you not to leave her.

If the cutting part that worries me more, I simply want to let her down easy but don't see any other way than to just DO IT.

If she ever came here and tried anything I am sure I could "take her", but why involve myself in that conflict in the first place. That is why I thought of asking to have the visa denied, would make it harder for her to come back to the US.

Well, have some searching and letter writing to do, thanks for all and for the understanding, this is indeed a GREAT community.

JetSet55

Just a quick post.

This forum is a great resource, THANKS for those who make it happen.

My girlfriend has been in the US without a visa for 3 years, she is controlling and borderline violent, and combined with my good-heartedness, I was never able to end the relationship until now. She is finally back in her home country, the petition for the K1 visa is approved and the interview is on the 18th.

I need to stop the process, but would like some advice:

Is there a way the process could simply be put on hold to buy time? I am afraid she may get violent if I simply cancel, maybe I could tell her it was only on hold and wait it out.

If I do cancel the petition, is there a way to do this so with prejudice, in case of any threats to my person? She has been known to do this, even though she always apologizes later...

Thanks for the help and God bless.

Jetset55