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thend

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    Abusive relationship

    in Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits

    Posted

    I'm stuck and confused.
     
    I'm in a pattern I've had in most other relationships, and while that tells me the problem is with me, I can't figure out if the problem is that I attract the wrong person or I'm the wrong person.
     
    I'm currently married to a woman that is younger than me by 12 years. She has an 8 year old daughter who, like me, suffers from ADHD.
     
    When we first met she described herself as a loving mother who wants to build a happy, healthy and loving home. She expressed a strong preference to focus on a domestic life rather than a career.
     
    While a little worried given today's economy, I wanted her to be happy so I encouraged and supported her ambitions.
     
    Nearly a year into the relationship I realized that she is not the person she described.
     
    She does not like to cook. She is often rude in tone and generally negative toward her daughter. She frequently puts me in the middle of conflicts with her daughter. She is rarely concerned with making a peaceful sanctuary at home and more commonly finds ways to disrupt things.
     
    She is extremely jealous and throws a fit if I speak with anyone or look at anyone. She has even expressed jealousy over my mother and my dog.
     
    She is moody and creates an uncomfortable environment when displeased.
     
    I feel like I always give and she just takes.
     
    But here's the rub... I'm horrible too!
     
    I have a nasty propensity to extreme reactions when I'm abused. When I feel like I'm let down or disappointed or attacked I lash out with verbal rage. I say things that are extremely cruel and demeaning. I give the silent treatment. I threaten to leave and/or kick her and her daughter out.
     
    I hate how angry I get. I hate how full of anxiety I feel. And while I hate to justify my behavior (because I know it's not justified) I genuinely believe I'm reacting to her triggering me -- albeit I admit that my I don't trust my own take on things anymore.
     
    I guess the way to describe my anger is that I feel like I'm put in a situation where I have to pick between the pain of leaving or yelling and threatening her into realizing I'm about to leave. I typically choose the latter.
     
    When I blow up like this I end up feeling remorseful and apologizing. When she pushes the limits with me she apologizes too. So round and round we go.
     
    Throughout these episodes things momentarily get better, but all the hurt and disappointment persist, so one small dig, jab, or slight triggers the eruptive cycle again.
     
    Almost 4 months ago we were living together as a family until I called it quits. As I was leaving in fury she beat me to it. She called a cab and flew out to live with her parents.
     
    A couple of weeks went by and we calmed down and attempted to see a psychologist via Skype. Our sessions felt like picking at wounds without the supervision and support we hoped for. Our arguing intensified.
     
    I again admitted defeat and stopped contacting her. She continued to reach out and pleaded for another chance. As we started talking we scapegoated the psychologist and blamed him for our troubles.
     
    While living with her parents she constantly complained about how abusive they were toward her and her daughter. She eventually got me to pay for an apartment and her other living expenses to escape those conditions.
     
    During this time I was seeking personal therapy and when I felt stable enough I flew out to her with an open mind, heart, and wallet. I came bearing some very expensive gifts, including the new iPhone X (at her request).
     
    Not a week went by when she exploded in a jealous rage. This time it was because I found a English tutor for her who happened to be a female. As usual we argued all day and up to when I start my job (I work evenings) and even during.
     
    The next day she apologized and when I calmed down I decided to make the best of things. I proposed we take a walk in the city; she didn't want to. She wanted to instead see a movie and walk around the mall. Fine.
     
    When we got there we were both hungry and I suggested we get something light because we had plans to make steaks in the evening. She didn't take to that idea and wanted a heavy meal.
     
    (BTW: The steaks were expensive and about to go bad, and she kept promising to make them) 
     
    After the movie we stopped in a store with little nicknacks and I bought her and her daughter a bunch of little trinkets and toys.
     
    Overall it was a pleasant day up until we were leaving the mall. I was telling her how I was worried about my dog and she interrupted me to point out what a "cool" selfie stick she just spotted.
     
    Honestly, I had it! I didn't yell or scream. I just shut down. I've felt unloved and disrespected for so long. Here I was dancing around her and treating her to a pleasant outing despite her being the one who took a big dump on me the other day, and she can't so much as sit through my expressing concerns about my dog? She can't be agreeable with my suggestion to take a walk in the city? She can't acquiesce to a light meal and our plans for steaks in the evening?
     
    In that moment I felt so used and worthless. During our entire relationship I never felt like she put the same effort in as I did. I always felt like a workhorse for her and her daughter; nothing more.
     
    This time I packed my bags. I changed my phone number. I blocked her emails. I'm now completely no contact.
     
    I want it to end.
     
    So here I sit in a hotel room completely lost. Between my own abused past and tempter issues, and her lack of support, interest, and fairness, I'm unable to parse who the abuser/victim is. Probably both of us.
     
    The thing now is that it's hard to stay focused and confident in leaving an abuser when I feel ashamed of being abusive myself. As a result I feel sympathetic toward her as a victim, which makes it hard to stay strong when fleeing an abusive relationship.
     
    Can anyone relate? Can anyone advise?
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