reeses16

@ Whidbey, Thanks! Send me a PM and I've be happy discuss whatever you wanted to chat about.

On September 9th I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. He is absolutely adorable and amazing.

I ended up having a C-section (AFTER dilating to 10 cm) because I couldn't push the baby out (tried for an hour he barely budged and it was frustrating because the doctor and nurses could all see a head full of hair , he was getting distressed, and I developed a fever. Although I was terrified to get a C-section, I was just happy that both the baby and I were safe. We had a longer hospital stay because of the fever I developed and wanted to rule out infection.

At this time I am absolutely sleep deprived lol. Its 2 am, I'm pumping breast milk and trying to get caught up on FB, VJ etc. But I am enjoying being a mom and so thankful that my parents are here to help and support mel

@Whidbey,

Hi, everyone. Just wanted to give you all a few updates. My once happy marriage is no longer happy and I've filed for divorce. Our issues stem from my husband's drug abuse. I posted my story below, I also posted it a few days ago on the Sub-Saharan Cafe thread. Up until January of this year, we had a great relationship and a happy marriage and then everything went bad, surprising quickly. I know this is the place to post about happy marriages. I don't want to bring the spirit of the thread down, but just let people know that sometimes you do everything you can and things don't work out- either your spouse doesn't want to work things out, or he or she is dealing with problems you can't solve, or things you don't understand.

"Hi everyone! Just popping into say hello and post a few updates. I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. Excited AND terrified. But I'm looking forward to meeting our little boy, the end of swollen unreachable feet, and being able to do all the things on the mommy's no-no list (sleep on my stomach, beer, wine, sauna!).

The last few months have been the most difficult in my life. I left my husband, filed for divorce, moved across country to live with my parents, started a new job, and continued working on my dissertation (hoping to graduate no later than Jan.). I don't think I'll ever understand what happened with my husband. We had 5 wonderful years together, planned this pregnancy (first child for us both), and then soon after my pregnancy he just completely lost his mind. He quit his job days before we confirmed my pregnancy (then refused to look for a new one until I told him I was leaving), started abusing drugs (refused to quit or seek treatment), then spent all of our savings to go home to Ethiopia for 2 months (called after 1 month to say he spent it all). When he got back from Ethiopia he was literally a different person (180 degrees different)- he started telling me that women are lower than men, all of a sudden certain household chores that we shared became "a woman's job", that I had to realize he was an "African Man" (he used this to justify things like refusing to listen to the baby's heartbeat or be a part of the ultrasound and to refuse to look at any of the ultrasound keepsake photos). He then started telling me at least once a week that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant and that I tried to trap him. He would apologize, but then start it all over again the next week. I was devastated to hear him say these things to me. Before my pregnancy, my husband had never said anything/ or treated me in way that indicated men and women were not equal in his mind...but maybe those were his private thoughts. I also found suspicious text messages to/from other women (nothing that was clear evidence of infidelity, but I'm not stupid). I didn't see this coming. Finally, I realized we couldn't continue living on the West Coast. I couldn't support us by myself, I needed to be closer to my family for support, and my husband would never get better living in a place and near friends that enabled his addiction. I applied for and got a job in my home state. I told my parents I was coming home. They said my husband could come too, but that he had to get addiction treatment (they would pay), all in an effort to keep our family together. I explained that to my husband and added that if things were going to workout that we needed marriage counseling as well. He refused. He said that no one could take away his freedom. That it was his God given right as a man to take drugs, and that I needed to accept it and move on. I gave notice at my job and moved 2 weeks later. I asked my husband to come with me, but he said no- he choose to stay one the West Coast without a job and a stable place to live.

Sometimes I feel like a failure- I'm in my 30's living with my parents, my marriage fell apart, and I [have a] baby on the way. But when I reflect on the situation I feel like I did everything I could to make things work, talking gently with my husband (then more firmly), enlisting help from family and friends, seeking counseling on my own. I'm thankful that some of my burdens are much less now. I think it will take at least 2 years to get back on track financially and hopefully finalize the divorce (one minute, my husband doesn't object and will sign the papers, the next he refuses). I've talked to my husband since I moved, and every conversation is a reminder that I did the right thing.

I hope everyone else has fared much better in the last new months! "

Zee! Its been a long time. I hope your hubby and baby are doing well. Did you finish your PhD?!?

Yeah, sometimes I try to figure out what happen. But I am slowly making peace with the fact that the whole situation doesn't make sense. My husband is no longer functioning in a way that is rational or logical and the changes were so quick and profound. I don't think its possible to make sense out of nonsense.

Reeses,

You and I have communicated so much over the years and I consider you a friend. I read your post and my heart breaks for you and what you are going through. Of all the people who go through this journey I never thought that you would be going through this. I don't know why your husband has suddenly turned out like this. I don't know if anyone will be able to explain what happened.

I'm happy to hear that you have supportive family ad are on track to finish our degree. The most important thing is to make sure that you have a safe, happy, healthy environment for your son.

Wishing you all the best and I'm always here if you need anything.

Thank you everyone for the support and well wishes.

@ Gowon, agreed definitely better now than later. I didn't expect to be a single mom, but I am looking forward to motherhood and getting to know, enjoy and teach our little boy. You're absolutely right. According to my lawyer, my husband can not prevent the divorce. It will take a longer and be more expensive, but it will be finalized.

@ NigeriaorBust, thanks for the support. Divorce is really common, but I never thought it would happen to me. I'm hopeful that things will continue to get better.

@InHisTime, thank you for the encouragement. I'm thankful that my dissertation committee is supportive of me. They all knew my husband well. They've really rallied around me during all of this (no objections to moving out of state, glowing recommendations for my new positions, and getting timely feedback to me in hopes that I can complete dissertation writing before the baby arrives. I'll defend/official complete my PhD after the baby is born). I'm confident that there will be new opportunities and lessons from this experience.

Hi everyone! Just popping into say hello and post a few updates. I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. Excited AND terrified. But I'm looking forward to meeting our little boy, the end of swollen unreachable feet, and being able to do all the things on the mommy's no-no list (sleep on my stomach, beer, wine, sauna!).

The last few months have been the most difficult in my life. I left my husband, filed for divorce, moved across country to live with my parents, started a new job, and continued working on my dissertation (hoping to graduate no later than Jan.). I don't think I'll ever understand what happened with my husband. We had 5 wonderful years together, planned this pregnancy (first child for us both), and then soon after my pregnancy he just completely lost his mind. He quit his job days before we confirmed my pregnancy (then refused to look for a new one until I told him I was leaving), started abusing drugs (refused to quit or seek treatment), then spent all of our savings to go home to Ethiopia for 2 months (called after 1 month to say he spent it all). When he got back from Ethiopia he was literally a different person (180 degrees different)- he started telling me that women are lower than men, all of a sudden certain household chores that we shared became "a woman's job", that I had to realize he was an "African Man" (he used this to justify things like refusing to listen to the baby's heartbeat or be a part of the ultrasound and to refuse to look at any of the ultrasound keepsake photos). He then started telling me at least once a week that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant and that I tried to trap him. He would apologize, but then start it all over again the next week. I was devastated to hear him say these things to me. Before my pregnancy, my husband had never said anything/ or treated me in way that indicated men and women were not equal in his mind...but maybe those were his private thoughts. I also found suspicious text messages to/from other women (nothing that was clear evidence of infidelity, but I'm not stupid). I didn't see this coming. Finally, I realized we couldn't continue living on the West Coast. I couldn't support us by myself, I needed to be closer to my family for support, and my husband would never get better living in a place and near friends that enabled his addiction. I applied for and got a job in my home state. I told my parents I was coming home. They said my husband could come too, but that he had to get addiction treatment (they would pay), all in an effort to keep our family together. I explained that to my husband and added that if things were going to workout that we needed marriage counseling as well. He refused. He said that no one could take away his freedom. That it was his God given right as a man to take drugs, and that I needed to accept it and move on. I gave notice at my job and moved 2 weeks later. I asked my husband to come with me, but he said no- he choose to stay one the West Coast without a job and a stable place to live.

Sometimes I feel like a failure- I'm in my 30's living with my parents, my marriage fell apart, and I baby on the way. But when I reflect on the situation I feel like I did everything I could to make things work, talking gently with my husband (then more firmly), enlisting help from family and friends, seeking counseling on my own. I'm thankful that some of my burdens are much less now. I think it will take at least 2 years to get back on track financially and hopefully finalize the divorce (one minute, my husband doesn't object and will sign the papers, the next he refuses). I've talked to my husband since I moved, and every conversation is a reminder that I did the right thing.

I hope everyone else has fared much better in the last new months!

Thanks for the suggestions. Just added them to the registry!

Congrats on passing the glucose test...you're almost there!

Hi Ladies!

I'm 15 weeks with our first baby. Nearing the 1/2 mark, dying for this crazy morning (all day!) sickness to go away.

I have a few questions:

(1) What are some must have baby items? I'm hoping to keep baby purchases to a minimum until the baby is here and we can better judge what we need vs. whats cute. So far my essential list includes: car seat, bed, diapers and wipes.

(2) For breastfeeding moms - is there a significant difference between buying a home/portable breast pump and renting a hospital grade pump. I may have to travel for work, and I want to make sure I have a nice stock pile of milk (hubby will be a stay at home dad). I guess the question is really, do hospital grade pumps increase your milk production and if so, is it enough to justify renting when I could buy a pump for under $300?

(3) For ladies that use cloth diapers - do you recommended laundering your own or is a diaper service better? I found some diapers I like from green mountain diapers (They are about $10 each, covers purchased separately). There is also a diaper service that delivers in my area, it costs about $85/month (no need to rinse or soak soiled diapers).

Thanks in advance for the replies!

I'm glad his greencard finally arrived! That was a long wait.

Thanks for the tip about the Baby Center! I just checked it out. I like that it has info that goes beyond pregnancy. I'm starting to think, pregnancy will take care of its self between nature and my midwife. But I need to have some strategies to deal with a newborn.

I am due at the end of September. Hubby and baby are doing fine. I have had crazy morning sickness. I had a brief 2 weeks of relief and then it came back. Nausea sucks, but its the vomiting at the drop of a hat thats the worst. Plus I have the added bonus of it being projectile vomit each and every time (I have all these tiny broken blood vessels in my face). I've tried acupuncture and medication (phergan and zofran) nothing seems to work. The meds basically incapacitate me - I can't think, I'm miserable at work, I'm not myself, I can barely have the strength to hold a conversation, and I sleep 12-14 hours/day. So far, I haven't gained any weight (I figure its between the vomittng and 1 hour walks 4 days a week). Staying well hydrated though. Anyway, thats the worst of it. I keep reminding myself its for a good cause!

I have recently come to appreciate maternity pants. I haven't gained weight, but my shape has changed and my belly is expanding.Thank goodness for maternity pants. I may never give them up. lol. I'm looking forward to wearing dresses, but its still pretty cold here - definitely pants weather for now.

I hope you're able to conceive soon. I didn't realize clomid was so painful! Its is a pill or an injectable? Are you getting treatment on the Island or do you have to travel far to see your Dr.?

@ Whidbey

How did the InfoPass appointment turn out?

Thanks ladies! I'm still in shock. We had meet & greet appointments with two midwife practices this week - finally settled on one we like (actually LOVE!). First appointment next week.

Whidbey, my fingers are crossed for a + test. I'm sorry to hear about your RFE. I like to think of the list of evidence on an RFE as a suggestion, but a clue as to what the really want to know. For example, you don't have a child together...but I'm sure you can show medical bills for infertility treatments and also get a letter from your reproductive endocrinologist (even if all it states is, so-and so is a patient of mine. she and her husband so-and-so first started seeing me in ---2011 and continue to see me). No mortgage - write a letter stating the year your home was purchased before the marriage and that you chose not to refinance or re-title. Even if you sent if before, send it again. If you want to bounce ideas PM me.

Hi Afoyoswa!

Congrats on your engagement! Best of luck getting all of your paper work together. Visa Journey is a great place to learn about navigating the paperwork and get advice about the emotional, financial, planning aspect of things. Read, read, read all you can. Also, you'll find that once people complete a step they aren't as active on the boards...especially after citizenship. But if there is someone who you'd like to connect with send a PM.

Wishing you the best!

We are just working on sending the K-1 petition, so I am loving all the stories of what happens after they arrive (even the ones who are struggling), and especially all the babies. I am expecting a lot of adjustment challenges once he gets here, but it's hard to really imagine what they will be like, so it's been good to see more details about the things that came up.

Best wishes to all of you!

Found out yesterday that we're pregnant with our first!

Hey gang! We just found out we're pregnant! Super excited - our first!

Just found out yesterday that I'm pregnant! We couldn't be more excited. : )

Hi Whidbey,

I'm glad you hubby finally signed the papers. It might be rough going at the moment to get transparency, but I believe it can be achieved with persistence and maintaining calm (even when its hard to do!).

Are you able to ask your hubby why he has problems reviewing his financial situation with you? If you know why, then maybe you can find a strategy that works.

WhidbeyGirl,

I'm so sorry! I know you've been trying for a while. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Whidbey! You and hubby look super cute together. Biometrics in August....looks like any day now. : )

Good news! I was offered a great position at a fantastic organization! Even sweeter I'll be working on projects in Ethiopia. Its based in the US, but I get to travel to Ethiopia . Its truly a blessing! Only God could have orchestrated the events that led to me learning about and applying for this position.

@ Naijaboy

My hubby and I have been married for almost 5 years. Our original plan was for me to move to Ethiopia (thats where we met, I love Ethiopia and I wanted to learn more of his language). So we approached it from both angles, I applied for positions in Ethiopia (and grad school- I figured I defer 1 year, to live in Ethiopia) and began his paper work to come to the US. The visa came through first, so he moved to the US and I started my PhD program without the deferment. When I was seeking positions in Ethiopia, my husband advised me to look for positions where I was employed by a US company/organization but living in Ethiopia- as the pay was vastly different based on which country you were affiliated. Further investigation proved this to be correct (persons with the same job title were paid wildly different salaries that couldn't be explained by differences in experience, this observation was consistent).

Our goal is to create flexible situations for ourselves. Our long term goal is to eventually live in the US at least 3-6 months out of the year, spend 2-3 months of the year in Ethiopia, and travel the rest of the year. In order to achieve this long term goal, we've started 2 business that can be done anywhere in the world with an internet connection. We put a lot of time in these business, we choose things that were expensive to start up. Realistically, I think it will take 2-5 years before we're making enough money from these businesses that I could replace of our incomes. My husband was self-employed all his life, until he moved to the US. He misses the freedom and flexibility. We are planning for him to transition from being an employee to being self-employed in the next 1-2 years. I am making strides to grow my career so that I can command a higher salary and earn the ability to have alternate work arrangements.

I was fortunate enough (Blessed really!) to receive an offer from an amazing US company with projects in Ethiopia. I will be based in the US, with occasional travel to Ethiopia. Further, the company has emphasized that its very welcoming of alternate work schedules and arrangements (one person in our team actually lives in the UK, but flies to the US 2 times a year). If I stay with the company long term, I believe the office culture is such that I could successfully propose alternate work arrangements which they would agree to.

Anyway, advice is to think in terms of what YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE can do to achieve your goals (i.e. where you want to live and how you will support yourself financially). And seek opportunities from others that push you towards your goal (whether its a job in your home country, higher pay & better vacation/ flexible work arrangements in order to travel home more/live for several months).

Just stopping by to say hello to everyone. Not much new to report. Fall is here! I actually turned the heater on last night.

Again Congrats to Zee Bee!

Wishing everyone the best!

Hey VJ Fam! I have been watching (and loving!) season 1 of Luther via Netflix. Anyone know where I can watch the current season (#2) online, I read on Wikipedia that it premiered in July 2011 on BBC One. I tried searching that TV station, but couldn't find a link for a full episode.

Thanks!

I think this is the best advice you have been given. I would like to add a few things: (1) Withdraw the AOS, state why (cheating and your intention to have the marriage annuled/or get a divorce, plus copies of any evidence you have to the places that Darnell listed, (2) Make sure you send all of these letters with delivery notification and return receipt, (3) Schedule an InfoPass appointment IMMEDIATELY, bring the same letter and copies of evidences that you plan to mail to this appointment (4) Take your name off/close any joint financial accounts- if that is not possible, at a minimum close any credit cards and open a new account for yourself only in which to deposit your paychecks.

I echo this - write a letter withdrawing the I-864, Affadavit of Support.

Send it to:

1. USCIS, address on the I-797-C, receipt notice, for the I-485 packet.

2. Local USCIS Office

3. National ICE Office

4. Local ICE Office

I know it seems like it's a 'shotgun effect' but ya can't really know exactly where the casefile IS, today - and you need to get the withdrawal in front of the office that has the casefile, as well to the ICE offices.

now, if you want to build a case against him, of evidence to turn OVER to ICE, with the hope that ICE will take the evidence and build a case against HIM to DEPORT him for MARRIAGE FRAUD - that's possible also, but you have to supply evidence (repeat for emphasis EVIDENCE) to ICE and ask that a casefile for Immigration Visa Fraud be opened against him. It's not automatic, it takes time to do this, expect to go in for an Interview with local ICE officers.

But for now, these next 24 hours - get the letters written and out the door to withdraw the I-864, Affadavit of Support. This, in itself, will stop further I-485 processing, and without an I-864? He can't adjust status or be issued a green card.

You'll have something else to do, as well, for filing a divorce or annulment - dig into the county clerk's office nearby and learn what they want for filing a petition of divorce.

Good Luck !

Ontarkie, congrats! Glad to hear baby Alexis arrived safely.