JenT

Blount County, TN

Lived there while I went to the University of Tennessee and worked at the McGhee-Tyson airport for 4 years.....

Spent much time in Broome County, NY.... my aunt has a horse farm there and I spent a lot of my childhood there. Grew up in Queens, NY.

Jen

We are switching next week. Anyone using it now? Any feedback? Just wondering what to expect.

Jen

Sorry for the loss of your dream, Mike. Better days are ahead.

Jen

Great news!!! Best wishes!

Jen

I'm the only one bashing this thread?

When did I say that?

Do you really find comfort in this story? Comfort? weird.

Again, when did I say that?

I actually find myself feeling kind of sorry for you, nycgirl. You have nothing better to do than stir up trouble and personally attack people on this site? Much ado about nothing, IMO, and yet you choose to make it so.

Don't bother responding. You are officially on 'ignore'.

I'm the only one bashing this thread?

When did I say that?

Well said, newbie!!

You've made it clear how you feel, nycgirl.... I'm curious as to why you feel the need to continue to flame him.

Despite what you might think, there may be some who are in troubled relationships who may find comfort in valsu's journey. Many of us are/were here for that reason. Whether or not you personally believe him is irrelevant. He's entitled to his beliefs and opinions the same as you are.... I'm just not sure I understand what you're attempting to achieve by continuing to bash this thread.

Jen

Seems as thought this thread has reached the end of its value

Thank you all for the kind words. It meant a lot to me.

I thought that after the whole immigration process, you really know it is true love. Who would have gone through all this trouble when they weren't in love? However, my husband wasn't really in love with me. You live and you learn. It was a lesson indeed.

I thought the same thing, Colada... but as with my own case, some men are just not grown up enough to 1. know what they want 2. have the skills necessary (or the desire necessary) to build/work on a relationship.

(I'm not male bashing... the same could apply to women... I'm just making a point)

Try not to let any of this affect your self esteem.... just know that the person for you is still out there somewhere, searching for you. Take this time for yourself to learn what you can and grow as a result of what you've been through so you're ready when you meet him!

Jen

I would like:

1) A lifted Jeep Wrangler

2) A custom Bear shortboard in pink

3) Snow

4) A poodle

I'd like to give:

1) A kick in the nuts to our drunken neighbor

2) Unregistered firearms for my husband

3) A Xmas Card that says Mind Yo Business ####### to my MIL

4) A New Years impeachment of the President for my FIL

I'll have to settle in giving:

Peace on earth and good will towards Dale for one day in 2009.

I'd like to get out of the debt that my ex husband put me in, first debt in my life other than my mortgage...

I'd like to be able to give my family and friends whatever their hearts desire....

So, winning the lottery would be nice.

Thanks.... others might echo this concern as well so I will respond by saying that for one, this is not a 'new' relationship. It's actually the resurrection of an 'old' relationship that we had approx 20 years ago. It ended because our lives took different paths, not because we didn't want to be together.

Secondly, I have been divorced before, unfortunately, so I know what I need personally in terms of healing and in terms of a relationship... everyone is different in that regard. I have been in counseling for the better part of the last two years and have reconciled my relationship with David, in part through that counseling, through this 'blog', and through conversations with my closest friends and family. I have been without intimacy in my life for the better part of the last 3 years (and by that, I mean all aspects of relationship intimacy, not just physical.. and it's actually been six years if you count the time since my first divorce), so there really was no 'relationship' with David to mourn.... I mourned the dream of the relationship that I thought was possible. Once I realized that I was mourning something that was ficticious, I was ready to move on.

As far as requiring freedom from another commitment is concerned, I am 43 years old and not looking for 'freedom'. I want to be in a partnership with someone who shares the sames values, goals, and passions as I do. Now that I have found him again, I'm not going to let this opportunity slip away. We are wise enough not to make any permanent commitments right now, but I am pursuing this relationship without hesitation. We both believe that we were meant to be separated all those years ago to learn the lessons that we needed to learn along the way in order to be ready for each other when our paths crossed again. Here we are.

Jen

Hi Everyone,

This is going to be my last post in this thread, but I plan to remain here on VJ with all of my present and future friends....

The divorce was final on December 5th and I thought I would be emotional about it as I sat in the courtroom. Surprisingly, I felt more sorry for the woman who went before me and I watched her divorce become final. When the judge proclaimed mine final, I felt... nothing. Only relief that it was finally all over.

Leaving for Cabo San Lucas that following Monday was EXACTLY what I needed... I hadn't realize how much I really needed a complete break.... no computer, no cell phone... it was glorious. My new relationship is all I've ever dreamed and hoped for.... we will be spending the holidays together with family and friends and I can say with confidence that I am happier than I have even been in my life.

Thanks to all of you who helped me through these last few months... best wishes to everyone for a wonderful holiday season and a new year filled with peace and happiness!

Jen

We'll be your friends, Colada.... and you'll make new ones there. Ignore what is being said about you and try to meet people outside of the circle that you and your ex have/had. Rise above it and focus on building your life here.

Jen

Agree..... talk to the people at the courthouse and find out who is qualified as a process server... it's their job to figure out how to find him, etc... If things are that contentious, don't try to warn him.

I hope you will find happiness again!!!

I am well on my way... thanks!!

Jen

...And while I can't say that I have NO doubts whatsoever (I'm a cynic by nature), they're nothing that aren't common for me. That simply comes from having been married before and trying to be a lot more practical this time around.

Exactly, SterlingGirl.... I had healed from my first divorce and learned a lot about myself and my needs in the process. I was ready to move on and I was being as practical as I thought I could be.

I believed in David and in our relationship. Yes, there were warning signs but all relationships have them to some degree. I believed him when he told me he was committed to working things out and believed that our love and commitment to each other would sustain us, no matter what would come our way.

If David had been willing to work on the relationship and shown the least bit of effort, I would have continued working on it with him, despite what I had learned about him, despite the verbal abuse, despite his resentment of my kids, despite everything. We could have forgiven each other and overcome it all. I believe that in my heart. But he gave up and when I realized that he had 'checked out' of the relationship, there was no point in me continuing to try any longer.

Jen, I was sorry to read about your troubles. It seems to me from reading other posts on VJ and empirical evidence that rebeccajo is spot on about the red flags. It is a problem most of us contend with at some point here, distinguishing between flags and cultural differences that require our emotional adjustment. To compound things, the opinions and advice of friends and family who have never attempted this kind of relationship can be way off the mark. These circumstances almost require us at times to forge ahead ignoring the people around us. Once there is so much invested in the process, it can be tough to see those red flags waving at us.

For example, there is a guy who brought his fiance here recently, and she is telling him directly that the relationship was a mistake and that she does not love him. After posting on VJ and chatting with several of us, he wants to get married anyway because he still hopes things will work out. He also believes (correctly) that she will be humiliated by being "sent back", and wants to give her more time here. He is willfully blind to every single problem and opinion that doesn't allow for a marriage. Here is the thread address Noll.

Very well stated. I haven't read the thread in the example you cited, but clearly, some people are more open to accepting (and acting upon) advice from others and some can rationalize against anything that someone else has to say.

I believed that I was entering into my relationship with eyes wide open. Hindsight being 20/20, I know now that I rationalized a lot of David's life circumstances in order to make it more positive than it really was. And to defend him to others who were critical. Everyone wants to believe in the person that they have fallen in love with, right? I was giving him the benefit of the doubt more than he deserved and I believe that would have been more apparent had I spend more time getting to know him. Yes, we got caught up in the mechanics of immigration and of planning a wedding, just like everyone else here. Which is why I say that for my own personal circumstance, my interests would have been better served had I continued a long distance relationship for a longer period of time.

Jen

... It's a fine line to walk to gain knowledge from the experience of others, and the realization that what we may be going through might not be quite so - terrible.

Yes, and each person makes that decision themselves. I equate it to any sort of advice you receive from another.... take potty training (or any other issue relative to raising a child) as an example. Many have advice on the subject and the best thing a parent can do is read what others have done, talk to others about their experiences, and apply that knowledge to their own personal circumstances. There is no 'one size fits all' solution. No different here.

StirlingGirl's fiance is already here and soon to be her husband, as her signature reveals.

Yep - was aware of that. Was speaking in generalities. My husband was also here...

I am all for supporting each other here, especially when we travel the 'visa highways' together. But just as each immigrant visa petition and case are different, so is each relationship. I think it's fairly safe to say there are probably no 'rules' to go by when trying to ascertain whether a formerly long-distance relationship will translate to real day-to-day life or not. I tend to think it a bit unfair, also, to suggest ways to measure a thriving relationship based upon the failure of another. After all, the failure of that relationship is unique in and of itself.

I disagree. Inasmuch as I was NOT suggesting one measure their relationship against my personal learnings, I was suggesting that my personal learnings might help others, who have similar concerns, suss out their own situations. I would never be so self-absorbed as to suggest that others measure their relationships against mine, or even take my advice for that matter. I offer my learnings for whatever benefit they may serve for others. That IS why we are here. Or at least, why I am.

Personally, I believe it matters not how much time one spends in any relationship prior to the marriage. If one chooses to have their 'eyes wide shut' (for whatever reason) it won't matter if the relationship is long distance or around the block. Conversely, it also serves no purpose (in my opinion) to query and examine every adverb and participle of sentences our significant other speaks to us looking for clues behind some imagined meaning of what they aren't really telling us.

As you have said, every relationship is unique. Some may well be served my analyzing every adverb... to others it may not matter. Those who are questioning their situations may be well served to step back and do some analyzing. Not everyone communicates as eloquently and clearly as you, Becc. Some might consider reading between the lines of what they are hearing.

Irrespective of whether has one's eyes wide shut or not, I also disagree about your saying that it does not matter how much time one spends with their prospective spouse... but that subject has been covered in countless threads already, so I'm not going to perpetuate it here.

Jen

...A little scary to think of how things can change during the adjustment phase - at the time I first read it, it scared me to think of the possibilities where my own relationship was concerned. I have loads of faith in my hubby, but then, it seemed you did too. Shame how things can stray so far from our best expectations and hopes....

I did want to comment on this, SterlingGirl, because many people who are reading this thread may have the same concerns. I know I did when I ventured in here before David even arrived in the US....

I thought I'd done my homework... I'd learned enough about myself from my first divorce and was finally in a 'good place'. I wasn't looking for a relationship when David and I met, it just happened. I knew my own needs well enough to know whether a relationship with David was possible... and I thought that I could handle whatever came my way during the adjustment period. All of that was only 50% of the equation though. David and I talked about some of the stories in this forum and we vowed to each other that our story would have a happy ending...

Many of us on here have been/are nurturing long distance relationships. We find some comfort in the fact that we HAVE to communicate in order to make the long distance thing work... therefore, that skill 'must' carry over into our relationship when we are finally together. While this certainly helps, it's not something upon which one can hang their hat, especially since very different emotions come into play during the adjustment phase. And since everyone's 'adjustment phase' is different, there is no way to prepare with any degree of certainty.

Here are a few of my 'lessons learned' for whatever they are worth to anyone who is still reading this thread

1. I would have nurtured the long distance relationship longer before getting engaged. Yes, it would have been difficult, yes it would have been expensive. But if I'd spent more time knowing who he really was, and spent more time in his environment, and he in mine, it could have saved a lot of heartache.

2. I would have tried to understand his past a little more objectively, and the reasons for the key decisions he'd made, rather than choosing to spin everything in a positive way. I tend to be a 'glass is half full' kind of person, so I tend to see the positives and trust people more than I probably should.

3. I would have spent more time understanding his relationships with others.... who were his friends? what was his relationship with his family? why had he spent so much time unemployed? why didn't he have a better grasp of the German language, even after having lived there for 17 years?

4. Rather than accept him at his word, I would have looked for evidence in his past about his ability to make good decisions, his maturity, his ability to be in a relationship, his ability to care for other people (selflessness), and his ability to adjust to his circumstances.

5. Rather than accept what he told me as 'explanation', I would have tried to understand whether it really WAS an explanation, or whether it was just an excuse.

6. Anyone can rationalize anything, especially when they are in love... I would have listened more to the advice of my friends, rather than assume that I was the ONLY one who knew better in this situation. They've known me a lot longer than I'd known him and I should have trusted in my relationship with them/their advice more than I did.

There are more, but these are the ones that come to mind most predominantly. If you are reading this and have not yet physically reunited with your loved one, please consider these things, if you have not already done so, as you continue on your journey.

Jen

Thanks SterlingGirl... I did have 100% confidence in the relationship. What I couldn't speak for was David's confidence or commitment level. He appeared (and said he was) just as committed as I was... he was willing to move across the ocean at the prospect of a life together, but his actions once he arrived here eventually spoke louder than words. Bottom line is that he did not know HOW to be a husband/partner and wasn't interested in learning/trying to make it work, even though he went through the motions of one year of counseling. Although I do not know the specifics of his personal sessions with the therapist, it was clear from my sessions with her that he was merely interested in being heard. He was not interested in trying to be a better person, nor was he interested in understanding how to work on our relationship. He grew paranoid about us wanting to 'change' him, and the more I fought for the relationship, the further he withdrew because he gave up his vision of a life here. Everything was too much work for him.

When I took a step back from it all and realized that his behavior and the manifestations of his character were not the result of his new environment but were a result of who he was as a person, I knew that I would always be fighting a losing battle. I came to understand this as I pieced together aspects of his past: his relationship with his mother, some the decisions he'd made/not made, how he'd adjusted (or not) to his move from England to Germany 17 yrs earlier, his employment history, his relationship with his ex wife and his daughter... etc.. And fighting a losing battle was NOT how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. He had 'checked out' of the relationship long ago but did not have the courage to do anything about it.

I regret the entire relationship... not because of how it affected me (I'm a big girl and tend to learn from my mistakes rather than repeat them) but because of the fact that his daughter and my two were involved.. They've all been through enough in their short lives and don't deserve to have to learn lessons from such hurt at such a young age. Kids have to grow up too soon as it is.

What I have come to realise is that there are some people that no matter what you do cannot be helped.

xxcessuk, this is a key sentence.... I was also married to someone like this and know how helpless a feeling it is....

Thank you for posting your story... I wish you the best for your future.

Jen

Hi Coria,

I am so sorry that your relationship was not what you had dreamed of... there are many people here who have suffered broken dreams, so I hope you won't leave VJ. You'll continue to find a lot of support here.

Try to focus on what you learned about yourself after all of this and what you really need in a lifelong partner. He's out there somewhere, waiting for you. Just don't settle or compromise on what's really important to you.

Jen

I agree, Kelly. Very well said, SterlingGirl.

Jen