tito

You have no idea about MY particular life...so once again, don't make this personal, and don't make any assumptions. I've done absolutely nothing to make any derogatory comment about you, and I have not made this personal despite the repeated attacks by a handful of posters.

The harsh reality is, once again, that these threads are FULL of examples of really bad situations...perhaps for the immigrant; perhaps for the USC; perhaps for both. Without knowing the other side of the story, it's not really fair to jump on a sympathetic bandwagon especially when the likelihood is in many of these cases, which are representative of what happens in a practice that has as its emphasis immigration issues, is that the other side of the story is equally as compelling and in many cases the immigrant crying 'foul' is hardly a victim at all. I feel that it's important to bring that possibility to the attention of those who buy into the victim claim hook, line and sinker. Plain and simple. You don't agree with the assessment, that's fine! You don't like how I say it, that's fine too! But this incessant personal attack? Well, it doesn't bother me in the least. Everyone is free to stumble around in the dark tilting at windmills. There is sound reason that is being overlooked in the process.

Sometimes an orange may, indeed, be an orange. But when the orange being complained of in the majority of cases turns out to be a loaf of bread, one ought take away the wrapper before rendering a judgment. It just so happes that this forum IS in the bakery, no matter how orange it may seem. My focus is not on the negative, per se, it has more to do with an alternative perspective that is being overlooked repeatedly. This forum deals with a lot of negative things happening, and life isn't all warm and fuzzy under the circumstances.

"So, are you here on VJ to share your professional opinion as lawyer? Just curious."

No. I'm not rendering legal advice. I am sharing experiences I have encountered in my profession. Amidst all the warm and fuzzy sympathy is a different perspective that I have tried to bring to the forefront despite the officious intermeddling on the part of others who, for one reason or another, take things personally and see fit to make repeated personal attacks. Some of the optimism here is curious because it takes things for face value without taking into consideration the reality of these situations. Unfortunately, yes, these are horror stories that keep repeating. My point is that, if the immigrant thinks things are so bad, going home is an option. In the alternative, perhaps the perspective of the immigrant is narrow and ignorant of the perspective of the USC under the circumstances.

It takes a commitment on the part of 2 in a relationship. If one simply expects everything to be loaded on to a silver platter, that person will be disappointed, feel frustrated, feel as though their other half is manipulative and controlling, or that they are being abused, but then, under those circumstances, who is the abuser? Yet that theme repeats, with the same sympathy being thrown at the immigrant without any deference to the point of view of the USC...

Back on topic indeed! There are a number of posts on this thread that are nothing more than distortions and legitimate ideas put forth that some posters take out of context and use to levy a personal attack, and now those who pushed the non-issues to the furthest extremes of what is salient to the issue at hand want to pull in their reins. That's great! Perhaps your road show ought to be brought elsewhere...

Hang tough...and don't change your ways because of how someone else treats you. That sort of dignity should not be compromised. From what you say, you did the right thing, and yeah, that aura of 'entitlement' does wear thin really fast.

Hang in there.

"what are you doing here in this community? is it your mission to spread your opinion about K1 visas and the foreign spouses into the world?

well, because if this is the reason you are here, i don't think it does any good for you. you only become more bitter to see other people happy (90%) and then those whose marriages and relationships fail (10%). these 10% are fuel in your fire.

it is never good to be bitter about love."

Might I ask what so many doe-eyed, brightly optimistic persons not unlike yourself are doing here! That was my question to one other poster who keeps pointing to this illusory agenda. I have professional experience that I am sharing in instances where that experience bears a direct relationship to the circumstances. I dare say that many, many others not unlike yourself are lost in the 'warm-fuzzies' of wishes and hopes, buying into all of these repeated claims of abuse, threats, controlling spouses, and on and on the threads go, without contemplating another VERY important aspect...the other side of the story!

There's no bitterness...there is the reality I see in my practice on a daily basis that bears a very striking relationship to the stories in these threads. If everything is so perfect...why would anyone in their right mind be cruising these threads that are replete with examples of failed relationships, divorce, claims of violence and abuse, threatened spouses, and the like? That is the better question.

If 90% of the relationships are happy ones, THAT'S GREAT!!! But...really...of the many threads in this particular forum, there aren't many success stories! Or perhaps that fact might have escaped you. My observations deal with the 10% that fail, which seem to compromise 99% of the threads in this particular forum! There's no fire, there are observations I am sharing. It's never good to look into Pandora's Box, either, especially when there's nothing in it for you.

It's ironic that there is this swarming of ridicule in this context. So, glad you're all entertained, because there's not much of the true essence and substance that is being afforded appropriate dignity. But really - laugh all you want. In the real world, the joke is on some of you, sorry to say.

"We sure as hell can't tell what's going on with this couple from the few sentences Brian gave us. But most of the time, I'd be willing to bet my right arm that these sad failed marriages just plain old break down. No fraud, no abuse. They just break down. The partners in the marriage lash out at each other with different tools than what we see in a customary domestic marriage, but the shattered result is unfortunately, the same. "

Absolutely. Well stated and well reasoned. There are variables, and what I've tried to do is expand the perspective of the options available. There are recurring themes, recurring fact patterns, the same countries involved, the same sort of accusations, that give a very familiar tone to some of these threads. These are the threads where things went sour, many times in a hurry. Could it be that the immigrant just doesn't understand some of the facets of life in the US? SURE! Is that "abuse"? NO! But sometimes these 'abuse' cases do stem from a lack of understanding on the part of the immigrant, who has or had expectations that were not satisfied, and their frustration manifests in different ways.

This is not all that difficult, and I've said the same thing in a different way now quite a few times. I hope that people can see that and understand.

OF COURSE there are a myriad of variables involved. The instances I see here, however, and in practice, seem to have a familiar fact pattern...the country, the apparent acumen of the immigrant, the duration of the relationship, age, maturity, cultural awareness, circumstances regarding the genesis of the relationship, the clues about how the relationship began what seems like its sudden demise, the duration of the relationship, the time spent in the US...I'm not lumping every immigrant situation into one bucket. To the contrary. I AM, however, generalizing based on those familiar fact patterns, the same countries involved, the similar apparent sophistication of the immigrant and, among other things, the fact that the claims being made generally DO sound the same...hints of claims about abuse, control, manipulation...it's all right here. My point is that I don't think it's right to take things at face value without considering (i) what the other side of the story might be, and (ii) whether, under the circumstances, it would be best for the immigrant to return home. There's quite a bit of warm and fuzzy best wishes and all, with people wanting to do good, dispensing advice about protecting onesself, going to shelters, reporting to the police, and things like that, but things don't really add up in many of these instances where the poster is searching for sympathy for her cause.

Would it matter if a child is involved? Was the child that of the USC as well? What was the relationship between the USC and the child? Sure those are variables. But if life is so terrible for an immigrant, rather than try to bootstrap something to make sure that the immigrant gets his or her green card, why ISN'T going home an option? That's my question...

Regarding the viability of an abuse claim that would entitle the immigrant to self apply? They absolutely CAN be a piece of cake! As I mentioned in other posts, there are attorneys out there who send their prospective immigrant clients to a psychologist who does a work-up that concludes that the immigrant was absolutely traumatized! There is no testimony from the USC who is accused of the abuse. In the interim, during the time this case is being prosecuted, the immigrant lives here often times on the dime of the USC, or taxpayers.

So...there are variables, indeed; there are other options for the immigrant who ought to consider going home as one of them; an abuse case can be and they often are a stepping stone for an immigrant whose motives might not have been as savory as initially imagined by the USC.

There is a basis for the stuff I'm saying, and if it's being repeated, it is due to the fact that the same warm-fuzzy sympathy is constantly smothering a different reality, and it is important to contemplate another point of view and perspective.

At this point...it's all a big 'whatever'. Nobody here knows much about the details of my personal experience, and significantly less about the breadth of my professional exposure...yet some of you make all sorts of assumptions and catapult to different conclusions. So...whatever. My personal experience is not in the least bit relevant to my professional judgment and observations that I'm willing to share here.

Back to the hard cold facts that are gleaned from my experience (yeah...a secretary throws this file clerk a bone once in a while...!)...a USC might be trying everything possible to help an immigrant spouse acclimate, and in the end, nothing is good enough. Lots of times, if things don't work out, the immigrant wants the green card and does and says anything to get it instead of contemplating a return home. The immigrant can (AND OFTEN DOES) interpret the efforts on the part of the USC as being controlling or manipulative or abusive, and uses that as a stepping stone to his or her objective.

If the parties are truly in it for a relationship, it takes commitment on the part of both to make it work. If it's all just a sham, then the USC needs to protect himself or herself. Anything and everything could be used as justification for something else.

Maybe in your haste to deal with the poster instead of the message because you became tweaked about my comments regarding Russian mail order brides a while ago, you missed not only the message, but this: "Would be nice to get both parties perspective" And you obviously didn't pay much attention to my first contribution to this thread, either.

Good to know that a handful of posters constitutes "everybody" important. If a billion flies eat feces, does that mean it's good? Bon apetite! Thanks...but no thanks.

I could go on and on with a series of insults as well, but those don't do a lot of good for anyone, despite the page after page here.

Stick to the message.

Whether the truth is something palatable or not is something people simply need to get over. There are certain things in these discussions that can't be sugarcoated. Some people have some significantly thin skin and take comments personally for whatever reason when they are not directed at them and do not deal with their particular experience. But taken in the manner intended, you will note that there is nothing misleading. People do what they do, say what they say, and the circumstances are something I see regularly, like it or not. If people want to live a different reality, that's fine. I'm sharing my experience and background because they do offer a perspective that DOESN'T sugarcoat things.

I'm not here to render legal advice to complete strangers, and I am extremely careful not to do so. Instead, I participate in order to share the experience of my practice, so I absolutely will not get into any specifics beyond that. This is an internet forum where people come to share experiences or seek opinions and perspective from others. The bases for my perspective are both personal and professional experience, and there's nothing more I can, will, want, or need to state. I'm not going to go around in circles and play that game as I mentioned when you first popped off. If you look at the comments I make, they are consistent, they are based on experience and practice, and are, for better or worse, accurate. This spin-doctoring of yours reflects that you are not interested in the MESSAGE, but rather the person posting. Again, I'm flattered, but stick to the message...

"Tito - how come you have so much knowledge on this topic?"

I see it every...single...day...in the course of my practice. Do you have a different experience? This isn't 'scare mongering'. It's reality for those who come here wanting to know the situation. In cases of failed relationships where immigration is an issue, this is important information for a USC. And when the failed relationships stem from immigrants from certain countries or parts of the world, the likelihood of a particular course of action is tried and true. But...not every relationship from a particular part of the world is destined for failure...on the other hand, IF the relationship fails soon out of the gate, AND the immigrant is from this or that place, THEN the likelihood is that such claims will be made in order to secure the green card. The immigrants are well coached in advance, and know exactly what to do.

"Tito is not offering advice. He's just taking advantage of the opportunity to once again advance his anti-immigrant agenda. Do a search on his posts. He says the same thing over and over and over. He twists topics to shoe-horn his "she will claim abuse just you watch and see" argument, often under the guise of his so-called "professional" experience in the matter, which is always nebulous and ill-defined. (at one time he claimed not to work with immigration cases, and now we see that his "office" sees these cases all the time) He does not contribute to the conversation, and he has no interest in helping the OP or anyone else. He is simply using VJ as a platform to advance his own anti-immigrant agenda."

This is absurd. You are melding a bunch of different things together to create your OWN agenda. And I repeat the question: is it that you get your jollies seeing others suffer in failed relationshps? Or are you just anticipating what best to do in the event your relationship doesn't work out? Not clear about your agenda.

My advice is sound. Quit putting words and ideas and sentiments into my mouth because of your own agenda. To clarify: I am not an immigration attorney, but the immigration issues are prevalent in my office. I am participating here because all this warm-fuzzy "advice" about the poor defenseless immigrant running from a vicious monster that is the USC fails to take into consideration other options; also, there are stories here that repeat from people that come from the same certain places, and the places and fact patterns are remarkably similar. In such circumstances, the USC needs to understand the situation and the reasonably probable consequences of the actions of the immigrant who is often willing to do and say anything to stay in the US. If things are so bad, indeed, going home should be the first option, not levying some undefined claim of abuse against the USC.

Sorry - but that's just the reality, no matter your particular fantasy - and that certainly manifests repeatedly. Thanks for following me around and paying so much attention to what I'm saying - I AM truly flattered - but enough already.

"why do so many USC's scream "FRAUD" if things go wrong in the marriage?"

Great question...usually it's when the immigrant runs to authorities and claims ABUSE! As I've said here and elsewhere, either the immigrant wants things on their terms, and might have a particular agenda in mind, and if things don't work out, no matter their responsibility for the situation or relationship, they cry 'foul' because the USC didn't satisfy their expectations by delivering them on a silver platter...; or, the immigrant has a hard time adjusting to the pace, economics, and social aspect of life in the US (especially if they're from a place that is so different), and perceives the attempts on the part of the USC to help out the best they can as they have to deal with all the pressures of life with work, car payments, insurance payments, traffic, mortgage, and so on and so forth, as abuse, as being controlling, or something like that.

Truth of the matter is...the immigrant has a significant responsibility for the relationship, too, and if, in the eyes of the USC, they aren't pulling their weight, the USC comes to the conclusion that all the promises, all the emotion, all the sacrifice, all the work, was just a bunch of BS on the part of the immigrant so that the immigrant could come to the US. THAT is why the USC looks at the situation as "fraudulent". The situation is compounded when the immigrant runs to authorities and claims abuse as a way to get his or her green card regardless, and that leaves the USC even MORE confused as to the intentions of the immigrant in the first place.

You people are all so helpful!! That's so great!

The crises in relationships occur mostly in situations where the immigrant does not have the background and experience that is part of a way of life in, say, Canada or England. Instead, the immigrant comes to the US without the benefit of the things that many of you gratuitous intervenors take for granted. If you can leave the myopic world for a minute, you might just recognize that the problems to which I am referring are very real. Why so many of you are continuously so defensive about all this is quite curious. I suppose that ignorance of the reality can BE bliss...so carry on.

You're all making this too easy.

First of all, everything's ironed itself out fine, thanks. I have personal and professional experience that I'm sharing.

The point of view that is being confused for an "agenda" is a perspective based in a practice that deals in exactly these situations. There are many immigrants in situations that they find difficult, and they dump their frustration out on the USC, and in the process, foist all the blame on the USC and look around for sympathy in a captive audience that sometimes involves a handful of participants here. But what about the USC's perspective? Many of these threads deal with immigrants who seem to be having a very difficult time adjusting. Of course, in a strange place with different circumstances, it's easier to make someone else responsible than to accept responsibility for the relationship onesself.

I don't see what the confusion is all about. But if you have not experienced both sides of the issue in a professional context, or have been through the process yourself, or do not have another basis for understanding what happens A LOT in these situations, then you're really not in a position to render judgment. There ARE 2 sides to the story, and in these threads, much of the time, we're only hearing one. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yet everyone seems to be quick to jump on the sympathy bandwagon without really knowing what's going on beyond what the poster is writing about. Maybe...just maybe...it's a matter of perception, or a different sort of expectation that the immigrant might have had than the reality of life here. Very simple, really. Life in one place is quite a bit different from life in another place...no matter your mathematical proclivities.

Welcome to the world, then!

Don't put anything past anyone. And yes, I am serious. Lawyers have psychologists ready to testify as to PTSS based on a relationship between the USC and the immigrant, and the testimony is used as either a defense to deportation, or as a basis for self-filing, when an immigrant wants permanent resident status and things have fallen apart in the relationship.

The OP asked a question, and what I've referenced is CERTAINLY a likely course of events or, at least a good possibility.

There are many threads about how the immigrant feels abused, threatened, subjected to a controlling spouse. On the flip side, many of the stories I have encountered deal with a USC who has no idea what the problem is, that they're trying everything imaginable to make things good for their immigrant spouse, there is nothing abusive about anything they do, or anythign objectionable about their actions, but nothing is ever good enough, and the immigrant claims abuse.

Well, nice to see a few cases in point...ridiculing something about which not much is really comprehended. Of course, much depends on the sophistication of the immigrant and their background and experience. But...if you really cannot comprehend the nature and scope of the pressures and dynamics involved, how can you really comment on the issue I am raising in the first place? Obviously, it goes right over your head!

Where are there examples of immigrants going home in coffins, acts taken at gunpoint, and the like? I guess life overseas must present very, very significant drama, and there seems to be expectations that lead to warnings that lead to someone coming to such conclusions! Therein lies another problem, I suppose.

Again - what might be perceived as one thing by an immigrant based on their particular view of the world isn't always the truth of the matter. There happen to be thread after thread by various immigrants from all over the place about coming to the US to face life with a monster. I'm saying that the incidence of monsters is awfully high, and that there might be another side to the story leading to the perceptions. Perhaps...JUST MAYBE...there is some responsibility on the part of the immigrant the nature of which is something that the immigrant simply cannot fully comprehend. It takes time and commitment and dedication on the part of both parties to live within the parameters of a difficult situation to begin with. To those of you who can and do make the adjustment and have the commitment, there is absolutely no need to take everything so personally. To others coming on here crying 'foul' in every thread, maybe there's another explanation and perhaps this other point of view about the circumstances of these threads is something to consider. Things aren't always what they seem.

As indicated, you may disavow your declaration of support prior to the issuance of a green card. Then, yes, when faced with the prospect of deportation, a defense is that the immigrant was subjected to an abusive relationship, giving rise to the ability on the part of the immigrant to self-apply. The extent to which such a claim will or might prevail will depend on the proof. If she goes to see an attorney, they will likely send her to a psychologist for a complete work-up, and naturally, the psychologist will be friendly to the immigrant's cause AND to the attorney. So, the report that is generated will paint a VERY strong picture of violence, threats, abuse, control issues...just like the claims that are made in many, many threads in this very forum.

It's a tough case to prove fraud once you've gone as far as you did, but it's not out of the question. It will be a difficult fight, because the immigrant does not want to have the stigma of fraud on her record, and when backed into a corner like that, the immigrant will fight back with a vengence.

Sorry about your situation. You are not the first to suffer this sort of experience, and will not be the last. Good luck. Withdrawing the affidavit of support is about all you can do at this point. Indeed, these circumstances extract a HUGE emotional and financial toll on many people, and it seems that, all too often, the path of destruction left behind in the wake of the process is something that the immigrant is not really conscious of or is something that the immigrant can contemplate or regard. On the other side of the coin, the immigrant is trying all he or she can to make it, and his or her needs come first, no matter the path in their wake.

If you are still living together, things will be very difficult. If you are not, then the issue becomes support, and that will depend on your jurisdiction, how long you have been married, and a variety of other factors, in connection with divorce proceedings.

For now, your objective is to protect yourself, your children, and your assets. Sometimes, it seems as if you never really knew the person you brought here, and so you might not realize just what the immigrant is capable of, how the immigrant is being coached, and who is doing the coaching. But I'd say get into a defensive mode as soon as possible. That you have withdrawn the affidavit of support is a good thing, and that will undermine the adjustment of status proceedings, and that, in turn, will lead to deportation proceedings.

Be careful!

Talk about fingerpainting!! Why in the world would someone with all the hopes and expectations for the future with someone who, no doubt, is your perfect mate, be cruising the part of a forum that involves conversations and posts and thread after thread where the content is mostly nothing more than DISASTER!??!? Is this a foreshadowing? Are you afraid of something? Looking out to protect yourself from the pitfalls that sabatoged other relationships? Or just getting your jollies? Because what purports to be advice is hardly that, and perhaps this is a bit of foreshadowing for you, which is unfortunate that you seem to sabatoge your own situation before it even comes to fruition. When someone says something or cries "foul" there is an entire bandwagon of sorrowful and sympathetic sorts...problem is, all the sorrow, prayers, best wishes and sympathy is based SOLELY on what the poster says at face value, without regard for another differing point of view or perspective, one that I, for one, because of what I do for a living, see all the time.

Have you been in the shoes of someone who was the victim of a scam, or the charm of someone who, once they come to the US, act differently from the way they acted at home? Does your business or whatever you do lend itself to experience with people who have been in those shoes? Do you have any direct, personal experience? It's quite obvious that the answer is a resounding NO! You're the one talking off the top of your extremely large head.

If you haven't walked in the shoes of the USC on the OTHER side of these these threads about the seemingly poor, defenseless immigrants who are suffering at the hands of all these terrible USC's...then you are in no position to judge.

My point that is continually LOST on you and a few others is that the picture painted by these self-proclaimed victims is that there is ALWAYS (or, if not always, then the vast majority of the time) more to the story than their perspective, which has as its foundation many cultural and social differences that just MIGHT conflict with the rigors of life in the US. Yet poster after poster writes with their sympathies without knowing either (i) the truth; or (ii) the OTHER side of the story. The same posters become judge, jury and executioner, giving the original posters all the warm fuzzies they might need, without expressing what is another option for them...to return home if things are so bad. Like I say...it's not an easy solution, but who gets the benefit? Who bears the risk? Is the brass ring that the immigrant managed to grab their ticket to life in the US as a matter of right? I don't think so.

You assume that I have an agenda, and that is absolutely not the case. You like to thump your chest and play king of the sandbox all the time proclaiming to have all the answers as you defend a very tenuous position, but just think of the FLIP side of the coin in the context of all these posts for once. If you can.

Any relationship must have a commitment, and the commitment must be mutual. Lots of times, when a USC meets someone outside of the US, and the relationship builds and takes form during a series of trips to that place to be with the person, and/or during phone conversations in the interim that are all about missing each other and wanting to be with the other person again, the reality of life and the challenges that exist often get ignored to a certain extent. Then, once thrust into the stresses of life in the US, the reality sets in, and many times, it's nothing like what the immigrant could possibly imagine, especially in instances where the way and manner and relative quality of life in one place is so different from life in the US. Naturally, there is frustration and disillusion on the part of both parties that is compounded by differences in culture, differences in education, differences in background, differences in religion, differences in experience, differences in upbringing, differences in age, differences in world-view, differences in values...differences in virtually everything except the mutual commitment on the part of BOTH persons for themselves, for each other, and for the relationship.

There must be that level of commitment in every aspect of life for the adjustment to be viable. There must be trust, there must be compromise, and there must be understanding. In my view, those are the essential elements that underlie a relationship that works. If that triad has a weak link, the relationship is destined for a rocky road.

With respect to all these stories about abuses and threats and such? Yeah, there's got to be another side. Many times, perhaps those posting these horror stories are too proud to capitulate and compromise, and expect the USC to be a different way, like they were during the 2 week vacation when they met and decided to be a couple. In my view, and the way I see this, and that's not to say it's the gospel by any means, the immigrant simply cannot comprehend what life is like in the US and the stresses and strains put on the USC...to get the immigration documentation in order, to make all the trips, to pay all the phone bills, to set up all the travel, to get everything in order, to maintain a heavy work load in order to afford another person in the household, to pay the mortgage, to make the car payment, to pay the gas, electricity and water bill, to pay the finance charges for the new appliances, to make sure the immigrant is comfortable enough...there's a LOT on the plate of the USC that, perhaps...just maybe...the immigrant just doesn't understand. Is that abuse? Maybe the USC feels that the failure or inability on the part of the immigrant to grasp the nature of the stresses is ALSO an abuse! And it's that frustration to which the immigrant is not accustomed is, MAYBE, what the immigrant calls "abuse".

All these horror stories about abuse, control, threats, arise out of the perception on the part of the immigrant. Maybe life in the US is just a little too tough for the immigrant, much more so than they might have imagined...

Again - who bears the risk? Who is "right"? What are the options? Who gets the benefit of the doubt? The USC on the hook for 10 years if the immigrant wants to stay, so that the USC bears all the risk of the relationship? Or the immigrant who has the option of going back home to re-establish his or her life as he or she knows, in which case everyone is put back into their original position before the relationship fell apart (no harm - no foul)? Tough issue.

"LOTS of filipinas will "look the other way" just to get to the US hoping for a better life for themselves and their families. At the same time guys can be looking for a housekeeper and sex partner!

Sometimes things go way past that and you have HAPPY marriage.

SOMETIMES NOT!!

USCIS should require multiple visits."

Indeed, they should! This is not something common just to Filipinas, by any means. People generally might have different hopes and expectations - a relationship where people are from different cultures, different parts of the world, different backgrounds, is a tough one no matter what country is involved. Things between a couple aren't the same once the immigrant comes to the US. Back in their native land, the relationship is built on a relationship nurtured by the atmosphere of a visit...of a vacation...by the USC, where the immigrant acts a certain way to appease the USC. Perhaps the immigrant cannot sustain that act once he or she arrives in the US, or perceives a change in the attitude of the USC once he or she gets here that is a consequence merely of the different types of obligations and stresses that life in the US brings. Maybe the USC expected the immigrant to be more supportive and understanding, and therein lies the inherent conflict. In the end, things can be and often are blown out of proportion to serve as justification for the demise of the relationship so that the immigrant can get the green card to which, perhaps, they feel entitled. Some of these threads seem like they can be cut and pasted repeatedly. Well, life in the US with the stresses and demands of the lifestyle here is not the same as a vacation or 2, 3 or 4 week at a time trip back home, and as much as the immigrant thinks he or she can hack it once they get here, in many, many cases, the immigrant just doesn't have any idea about the circumstances.

Who should bear the risk in the relationship? Should we line up behind the immigrant to make sure the poor defenseless soul gets to stay in the US? Or, should the immigrant contemplate returning home as an option? Is there a way to accommodate both, because both parties share responsibility for the relationship? Is every misconception or unsatisfied pre-conception always "abuse"? Seems rather odd that, in these threads, it is.

Perhaps this is simply a matter of PERCEPTION by the proposed immigrant, and nobody should be playing judge and jury without knowing even a little bit about what might be happening...about what the USC might have to say...or about what another perspective might be about the circumstances. Maybe, just maybe, the proposed immigrant acted one way before she got here, and once here, acted a different way, leaving the USC frustrated and feeling duped, and the proposed immigrant is making a big deal out of the fact that life is just a LITTLE bit different than what she expected, and that, to her, means that the situation is, "abusive" and "threatening". Maybe the proposed immigrant should take responsibility for her own actions and for the relationship in general, and try to accommodate the relationship as it develops. Maybe the proposed immigrant should try to be a bit more supportive of the USC who might just be trying his best to make things work in light of the difficulties. Maybe this crying about "threats" isn't really a threat at all, and the proposed immigrant just FEELS threatened by the circumstances. At 21, the proposed immigrant is quite young, and perhaps has not had a relationship where there were responsibilities foisted upon her for things that she really didn't contemplate before taking a bite out of life by way of a marriage to a USC (after all, life in the States is just a bit different than where the proposed immigrant is from, and back home, things were different, and she just feels scared and isn't quite ready for the change)!

Maybe...just maybe. It frequently seems that posters take things for face value and become sympathetic to these cries of abuse and threats before analyzing what might be a different set of circumstances, and there is frequently this rush to judgment that CLOUDS what might otherwise be valuable advice.

I'm abused!

Oh, you poor thing...get help and self-apply.

Don't mean to be cold, but before passing judgment, I, for one, would like to hear the other side of the story (which, no doubt, there must be).

One's perception of the situation might explain much: for example, if one person is trying to acclimate the OP to a new way of life, the OP might feel it's "control" when it's not intended and should not be construed that way. But everyone is so quick to judge...

It's easy to hop on some bandwagon and become an angry mob when only one side of a story, and a pretty extreme one at that, is being told. But in reality - who is this guy that he can get away with what he did to ride again into the sunset? While the benefit of every doubt ought to be given to the subject of a violent or abusive relationship, (a) there is nothing from the 'victim'; and (B) there is nothing from the one accused of the actions complained of. Are we to string this person up without knowing the other side...? Do we convict based on hearsay and the observations of others?

If all that is said about the guy is true, then yeah - the guy should be subjected to the type of comments raised here. But what if this is an exaggerated story...? What if this is all made up...? What if everything was taken out of context and blown out of proportion...?

Looks like we're awfully quick to judgment here. Again...if the person is like the OP says, then yeah...bombs away. But this just doesn't all add up.