LuvinNY

The part about the dependant's visa still sounds strange to me.

Why would the company refuse the give you a copy of the Business License & Code Certificate? They would have to put this information into your husband's application, too, right? The paperwork for the work visa with residence permit is much more complicated and asks for more documents, but they were willing to submit that?

IMO, either the company is trying to mess with you or your husband is. When he was hired, did they already tell him they were not willing to apply for his family to accompany him, but he never told you?

Things just don't add up... I wish you all the best, hope you can solve this somehow...

We did found out that they cannot sponsor me and my son before my husband took the job and that was a huge argument source for us in the past. So, this is not something that he hides from me as I do read the contract and all the paperworks but at that time we thought we could apply for it ourselves as we did researched about it online. Sadly, things has been tighten up a lot ever since the Olympic thing and that may affect the whole resident permit rules too. I was furious too because what harm can those two lettters cause the company but they just said they do not want to risk the liability in something goes wrong or if I break the law here in China, which is ridiculous in the first place but I guess that's just how paranoid they are.

Thank you for your encouragements.

And yes even being a chinese (HKese but spent the childhood in Canada) I would never let my husband to live in China alone for more than a day!!!! I brought my now hubby to China before we came back here together. When we walked on the street and some girls would come up and ask me heck alot of questions! (such as if he is my bf, where did I meet him....etc) and they wouldn't stop staring at him from head to toe like they were eye-rapping him!!!!

Anyway , based on what OP said from previous post, whether OP's husband wants to be worshiped by girls or they have some trust issue going on, they def. need to have some more rational and deep conversation (and I know its hard!!) which required of lots of time. And this is what OP lack of right now as her tourist visa is going to be expired very soon. Hopefully they find the way to solve this problem or I can always help to find out how to renew the tourist visa in HK if she wants to.

Just my two cents, I would suggest OP (try) not to break down too much in front of her husband. Show him how lovely of this family is when he is home with them and encourage him to find a better job back in the states may help him thinking to leave China so he can stay away from the"Yellow fever" disease!

I wish best of luck for the OP of whatever decision she is going to make !

Glo

Glo, I know abou the 'eye raping' thingy coz I've witnessed it all and I'm from a country where a lot of girls are hunting these expats like crazy so I am very well aware of how things are. Unfortunately, DH never experience all of this before even when he was in my home country, we pretty much avoided those places (such as bars & clubs) and he thinks these girls are just being nice when they flash him their 'i'm-too-shy-to-talk-to-you" smiles under their batting eyes. One time we were at a supermarket together with our son and he was pushing our lil' boy in the shopping cart while I followed behind them, he stopped to ask the sales attendant where to find tonic water. As our son got bored (he wants us to keep pushing him around) he had to go and told me to talk to that girl because he didn't think she understand him. So I talked to that girl who knew very little english and at the end she said "Is that your husband?" and started interogating me plus saying "He's so handsome!" at the end of our short conversation. That was a shocking moment for me because God only knows what they're capable of doing behind my back.

I've been trying so hard to make our 'compound' very homey for him whenever he's home but he's been working so much (yes, I did called the office to make sure he was there!) that we barely have time to really talk and he's always seems so tired and depressed when he's home which makes it harder for me to find that 'gap' to insert some serious converstations we needed to discuss. But I do know one thing, he doesn't seem to want to return to the US anytime soon. His contract will end in April and already the head hunter company that hired him in Singapore said there's an offer for another job in Shanghai if this one doesn't follow thru and the company in Shanghai will sponsor me and my son as well. I do know that things has been bad at work because some of his colleagues from the Phillipines (other contract employees) were told to leave way ahead of their agreements and he's been worrying about that.

We did had a little talk last night and I told him that I do want to understand him so bad and be patient with him but I can't do that while he's pushing me away. Yes he hugs and kiss more lately but I still feel there's something that's not right between us. Told him to promise me that if he really finds it in his heart that he can't be happy with me anymore, to just tell me because I can't make him stay in this marriage just because he have to. He said that he still loves me so much and I still do makes him happy but he's just been so caught up with trying to financially take care of us and with the problems at work. And he even said that he have too much on his plate already to be messing around with another girl. I really don't know what to say to that and just praying that he is being honest with me, that we will be a whole family again somehow. I guess I just love him too much that I am willing to give him a second chance but part of me needs to feel something that will proof he meant all the things he's telling me. Things are slowly getting better lately between us, in a sense that we are laughing again, we hug and we kiss more and he even start to hold me again when we go to bed (something that he didn't do since I got back here) but one thing that put a huge doubt in my head is how he seems to lost interest in having sex again. I'm sorry if this is too much information but before, he was a very normal guy in every way and I was the one who lost my sex drive after our son was born. That part of intimacy has been long gone since I got back here and it really makes me wonder what's going on and when I asked him, he just said he's been very tired and it's not me. From what I read online about signs of a cheating spouse, one of the sign says that he will want to have more sex to proof that there's nothing going on but that doesn't happen with us. Am I just reading between the lines here?

Ok, I'm sorry for this long ranting. Thank you for your replies!

Did your husband tell you that or is there any way for you to make sure that's even true? Sounds like BS to me...

My sister lived in both China and Singapore for years with her husband and kids and the paperwork for the dependent's visa was very simple for her for either country. I have a hard time believing any company would withhold the documents needed, why? What are you supposed to do? Sounds like something your husband made up, IMO.

After living in China for a while myself I have to say there is NO WAY I would have my husband live there on his own for more than a month. He is the most trustworthy person imaginable but I have never in my life seen so many women being after him! It's unbelievable and sickening! If your husband is the kind of person who needs women drooling after him at all times I understand that he wants to live there....

I'm very sorry for your situation, your husband sounds like a complete #######. You're better off without him. I hope you can get your paperwork in the US in order and move on with your life! I wish you all the best!

He went to talked with Human Resources for the paperworks and I checked it by calling them and they told me the same thing.

Things has been really tighten here in China even before Olympic starts so what was once an easy process is now completely complicated. They just don't want to be hold reliable for anything because DH is not a direct hire company. Here's the list of documents we have to submit to apply for dependents resident permit:

List of needed documents for applying for Residence for family:

1. Your Passport and copy of your Residence Permit

2. A copy of your Marriage Certificate

3. A copy of your child(ren)'s Birth Certificate listing you as a parent

4. Your family members' passport(s) with valid visa(s)

5. An Updated Registration Form Of Temporary Residence(Pink Slip)

6. A Health Certificate for adult member

7. 2 Passport-sized photographs for each member

8. A copy of the company Business License

9. A copy of the company Organization Code Certificate

10. ** Just added ** A Letter of Application on Company letterhead confirming the employee and his/her position in the company, relation to the family applicants, and request to allow additional Residence permits to be issued for family members.

(http://www.shanghaiexpat.com/community/index.php/2008/04/25/guide_to_getting_your_z_visa_work_aamp_r?blog=5)

And the company refused to give us a copy of the Business License & Code Certificate also refused to sign and seal the letter of application.

Before we came here and even after he first got here I trusted him without a doubt that he will never cheat on me but after a few months of separation, look what it did. I've seen those girls flirting with him by giggling like a school girl even infront of my eyes. We've been warned by our friends about the 'yellow fever' before we moved here but I was so naive and thought he's going to be immune. And now that I will be leaving in 5 days I don't know anymore if I could ever trust him again.

Thanks Mrs.J06!

I have never in my life seen so many women being after him! It's unbelievable and sickening! If your husband is the kind of person who needs women drooling after him at all times I understand that he wants to live there....

white guys are so popular in china because chinese guys have really little schlongs.

chinese guys are also abusive, sneaky, lying, theiving bastards, especially to their wives.

So I've heard about chinese guys and how bad they are with their drinking and gambling (mahjong).

How long have you been out of country on a conditional green card? Are you divorcing?

I've been outside the country for almost a month now. Sadly, chances are we're heading towards a divorce since he's having an affair.

The thing to do next is to take care of yourself first and foremost.

You are in survival mode and that's OK. He made a lot of poor decisions for the marriage so he is clearly not putting the marriage ahead of everything else. That tells you where you are in the pecking order. So, you have to take care of yourself.

Look at all of your options and do what is best for you. You have a child. You have responsibilities.

If he comes around, great. But if he doesn't, doing what is best for you will allow you to survive. Relying on him is a mistake as he's proven himself to be untrustworthy.

Thank you MsZ, I really need to read your words as I have failed to take care of my self lately (I think I've lost a lot of weight in the last few weeks).

I know I will have to take control of our life from now on (read: me and my son) if we want to survive this for he no longer seems to know what family really means and too enticed by his new found 'popularity' here.

Hi,

I am hoping somebody can help me find the answer here.

If my DH is working overseas and I return to the US to live there (we'll be seperated soon), can we still apply for removal condition? My GC will expire in May 2009 and I don't think if we does get divorce it will be done in time before my GC expired.

Pls help.

Thanks!

That's not the update any of us wanted to hear. I'm so sorry that things aren't improving.

Is there any chance of returning to the US instead of your home country?

You still have your Green Card, right? If you want to raise your son in the US, I think it's important that you work on your status INSIDE the US, rather than from outside.

Good luck to you and your family.

I'm thinking of returning to the US but I will have to leave my son with my family for awhile at least until I get back on my two feet and can support him on my own. Like I said, I do not count on 'daddy' to play any role in child support.

Yes I still have my GC and it will expire in May 2009.

Is it possible to apply for removal condition with one spouse living and working outside the country? I will have to look into this because I'm sure if divorce is where I'll head to then it won't be done in time before my GC expire.

Thank you Ling Ling!

Update:

I feel like I'm loosing my battle here.

I just found out that I can't get the permanent resident permit here even if we take care of that ourselves since the company he works for refused to give us two very important documents that we need to apply for my permit here. Without them I can't do anything. DH got this job thru a head hunter office based on Singapore so he's a contract employee to the Chinese company he's working for right now. There's been a talk that the Chinese company will want to direct hire him in April when his contract with the Singapore company ends. He was told that once he do that the Chinese company can then sponsor me and my son as his accompanying family members. Until then there's nothing they can do to help us.

Also, because I'm not a US citizen (yet) I can only stays in China for up to 30 days. I can't extend my visa from within China because of my citizenship, I can't even go to Hong Kong to apply for a new visa. In other words, I have to go back to my home country. My son, who's a US citizen can stay here for up to 60 days with a tourist visa.

So, I'm leaving on Jan 15. This news really crushed me that when DH told me that I started shaking and crying. He told me that it's alright, everything will be ok. He will come to see me, I can come back again with another tourist visa, or I can stay there until the company direct hire him in 3 months times. Things were slowly getting back to normal between us and now I have to leave again. It scares me so much that this will be the end of us but I do want to believe in him so much it hurts.

My parents has been really supportive, my mom said maybe I can just get a job back home and then he will realize that I can be independent and that will bring him back to me. I just don't know what to think anymore. How on earth are we even going to apply for removal of my conditional status when we're not even living together anymore? He wants to stay in China that's I'm sure of.

Thank you so much for all your help and advices but I feel like it's time for me to quit the fight and just try to figure out what to do next.

Do you have the money to hire an investigator? The last thing you want to do is to rely on his word as to what is going on. His behavior has been very consistent with someone cheating and his little display is just more deception. You need facts upon which to decide your next step and he's not going to provide them. So you'll have to find another way.

Can you keylog his computer? There are probably emails lying around that will tell you what you want to know. While no good in court (and may violate his rights) these things will give _you_ the proof you need to decide your future.

I did contacted some private investigator here in China but their quotes are beyond what I can afford. I will get the key logger program but I doubt that he'll be using his laptop from home because that laptop has been acting up lately and I noticed he uses the computer at work most of the times. But thank you so much for your advices.

I'm almost embarrassed to say, I have a close friend that used that tactic with his now ex-wife.

He said, "If we just go back to where we started, where our family is, things will be better....you go ahead, I'll be there soon".

Well, after she and the kids moved, he just spent more time with his girlfriend, sold the house, and asked for a divorce from the wife.

If he wants to play that game...then play along with him. Tell him that before you go back to your country, you want to tie up loose ends in the US,

including your immigration status. Act excited to go home, act like there's nothing wrong between the two of you.

If he's being honest and sincere about everything, then there's no problem, but if he's planning something, then you'll be better prepared.

good luck.

That's what I'm afraid of Ling Ling.

And now that my visa in China is about to expired (by Jan 16) and we're still in a limbo about obtaining a temporary resident permit here I'm afraid my days here are limited anyway. If I really can't get the temporary resident permit then I will have leave the country.

It even cross my mind that if I do have to leave I will make him sign all the paperworks needed to apply for my removal of condition so later when the time comes I could just mail them all in myself.

At this stage I really don't know what to expect anymore. One part of me is willing to go and see if he can keep his words but part of me is scared to death if I leave then it's going to be the end of our marriage.

Thank you for your advice.

You are being emotionally abused -- it's all about him, his way, all your fault.

I don't even know if it falls into emotional abuse or not. All I know is I'm living in hell right now and I got more lines on my face and I'm not even 30. Sigh.

Just an update from yesterday.

He finally text me back in the afternoon after I bombarded him with questions from worried to calling him a coward for hiding from me. I called his cell phones like a thousand times. In his text he said there's no one else (I said he must be with her in my text message) and that he still love me. He said he's been thinking about us all night and he just wants to come home and cry and try to explain how he feels for me. It broke my heart so when he came home I just ran into him and we hugged for the longest time. We both cried and I saw pain in his eyes. He then told me that there's a part of him that wanted to hold me, to be like how we used to be but there's a part of him that is still hurt because of my depression in the past and how I wasn't even excited about us moving to China in the first place (I wasn't happy because the company didn't provides us with what they needed to provide an expat family but he was dead set about moving so I just tag along and I know it's wrong) and how I was so unhappy when I first got here (yes I came here 7 months ago and stayed for a month until my visa expired, I had a brutal culture shock and being isolated in our apartment doesn't help at all). I had hurt him so much but I do love him. When he opened up like that I thought finally there's hope...

But then he said if only we can go back to my home country where we fell in love in the first place, maybe he can get back to normal. So he asked if I want to do that but I have to go there with my son alone then he'll come at the end of January (Chinese New Year where he suppose to get a few days off). It hits me so bad I started shaking. I feel like he's trying to get rid of me. There's a little voice in my head that says if I go then he won't come to get me because we did this before after I came here the first time and returned to my home country because my Chinese visa expired. He didn't come that time because work was busy. So yes I'm afraid. I told him that and he said he will come. Then I told him I'm not going if he's not coming with us. I even went so far to suggest to send our son to my parents for awhile just so we can be together alone and trying to reconnect again. God knows ever since we have our son we never get to do anything together anymore and it is my fault. But he only said "We'll see..." to that idea.

He clammed up again after I said that and appeared cold again this morning when he left for work.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's something more that he's not telling me but I can't get it out of him and nothing I say seems to work.

My parents just found out about our problem yesterday and they said I should stick around until my visa expired this january 16, if nothing change then I can come home, heal my self there and then return alone to the US (before my green card expired) while they take care of my son until I'm back on my feet again. It breaks their heart to see me this way and I feel so bad for them but I am lucky that I still have them on my back.

Thank you for all your support and ideas. I truly appreciate it!

You are really in a tough situation. Why not look for a job in China? That way you will be able to save some money and help you get back to your feet. You need to regain your confidence back.

That cross my mind but you see I'm here on a tourist visa and he still didn't mention anything about getting my temporary permanent resident here in China (the company did not provide us with that) also I do not speak the language at all. He got the upper hand since he's been here longer than me and have friends from work, which all of them are single.

Thank you, I do feel my confidence broken in so many pieces.

Wherever in the US you last lived, there is a Legal Aid Society to provide you with the necessary legal help. The one near here is dealing with more and more tough marital/immigration situations probably as complicated as yours is. Also, the Catholic Church has programs to help anyone, not just Catholics, who need to have a place to call home.

You qualify for removing conditions because even though the marriage has ended, you were being subjected to abuse.

Thank you for the legal aid info I didn't even aware of that before.

He is not abusive to me, he just built himself this wall that I can't reach into and that's what's killing me besides the fact that he advertise his 'ability' online and I found out about two young chinese girls he's been chatting with on QQ (a chinese messenger service).

I don't want to scare you, but I'd rather you had your eyes open to all possibilities, than have to regret holding back.

There are women's centers and free legal assistance centers that will help you with a divorce.

Although there are residency requirements for a divorce, typically the state that married you can also divorce you....they have jurisdiction

over the marriage.

The biggest complications come with his living in China and being employed by a Chinese company.

China has no extradition treaty with the US, so I doubt they have any treaty to enforce things like child support.

If you were in the US, after filing for divorce or separation, the court could order that he continues to support you and your son.

Being in China...there's not much a US court can do...and even if you return to the US...there's not much you can do except divorce him,

and get your unconditional green card. Given the circumstances you've stated, I doubt you'll be denied the new green card.

I guess the best thing to do would be to borrow the money needed to get back to the US....and start putting your life back together.

No actually it wasn't in a heated argument he made that statement, he was saying that when I ask if he still wants me here.

I didn't even know about China and the US condition but to be brutally honest I do not hope he will pay child support although I know legally he will have to do that but that's the last thing in my mind for now.

We got married in NY so I will look it up.

What I'm still confuse is if I do head down that road to divorce and if I can't get it done until my green card expired (if he refused to file for condition removal with me) and we're still not divorce how is my status going to be? I'm just trying to think ahead of myself here. Will they deport me if I'm in the US with an expired green card and still waiting for the divorce to be final then apply for it alone?

Thank you for your support, I can't tell you how much this forum has help me.

Because it is so complicated I think it wouldn't be wise from your side to add on to the complication. If you have parents who are alive and can help out, it's maybe wise to take your child and seek support at your parent's. Even if you think it's embarrassing to be a separated woman in your country, I guess it would be even more painful to continue this kind of lifestyle with your husband (if he doesn't change his ways).

I'd just like to ask you to be very careful, whatever you do. Saying that he'll never get divorced again raises a red flag ( in my opinion). Be safe and take care of yourself,ok?

I don't think he means anything bad by saying that but I am worry that if I do file for a divorce he won't sign the papers. Thank you so much for your advice, believe me I take these all into consideration of what I need to do next. I had talked with my parents yesterday and they wanted me to stay for now and weather the storm but they assured me that I can always come home it comes down to it. I am lucky to have them.

Thank you again!

Based only on what you have said, is there no chance of your returning NOW to the US? No one should be required to put up with his kind of behavior, which now extends to advertising his availability online!!! He is no longer your husband by any stretch of the imagination.

You need to be in a position to file for divorce ASAP and deal with the green card issue in any way you can. Just how to do it, I am not sure. But I do know it can be done.

That's just my opinion.

That's why I feel so trapped here, I don't know how am I suppose to return to the US now since I have no money with me at all, no credit card, nothing. He closed our US bank account awhile ago and now hold a Chinese bank account under his name. I can ask my parents to loan me some money but I don't know how to file for divorce in the US as I found out I have to be a resident in that State for a minimum of 6 months before I can file it. It's so complicated. It even crossed my mind to leave my son with my parents and so I can return to the US and take care of what's needed to be done. I doubt he will sign the divorce paper tho' because on our last 'big talk' he said he will never get divorce again (he was married before). I wish somebody can help me out.

Thank you.

WOW...admiting that you've done wrong...that's HUGE...even anonymously on the internet.

Are you from an Asian country? Not that it makes a difference. Your grammar is pretty outstanding for anyone that doesn't use it as a first language...hell for anyone that uses it as a first language, it's amazingly good.

So he's given you a chance to fix things...now's your turn to give him a chance....and stop looking for stuff.

If you keep looking, you're just going to find more stuff...and it's just gonna make you angrier.

I think what's probably the most frustrating, is that he's not responding to your calls and texts.

I think right now, you want to wail and scratch, but you'd also like to hear his voice.

Hang in there.

I appologized to him in person and even wrote him a long letter which he responded as "I like it". I think it might be way too late now, that he had checked out from this marriage while I was away.

Yes I'm from Asia (sorry I can't really reveal which country as I used to be a regular here and I still remember some of the old timers names). Thank you.

I am giving him a chance but his actions really speaks louder than his words. How can you tell someone that you love them but then leave them waiting all night long alone without any explanation. Two days ago he did this saying he had to work all night and he didn't message me or nothing, then when he came home and I hesitate when he tried to kiss me he snapped saying "Don't you start!". So I am not even suppose to question or get upset if he decided not to come home all night. In my head I pictured if he meant what he's saying he could've done more than ignoring me and treating me like a stranger.

I've gone from mad to worry to desperate. I tried calling his office number but the girl who picked the phone can't understand the simplest english word I said.

Thank you for the encouragements. I really am loosing all hopes right now.

That sounds like BS to me. What company would insist on separating an employee from their family on a holiday...for non work related activities?

Maybe someone else can chime in with an example, but I've never heard of such a thing.

It sounds like you entered the marriage in good faith, and during the separation (and having this girl in the apartment) something's gone wrong.

You have a son now, and from what you've said, you've done nothing wrong.

As others have said, try to stick it out until you get conditions removed. Maybe in that time things will workout between you two.

I hope I'm wrong about the party and your husband, but more importantly I hope you and your son are OK.

I'm not sure but we're in China and he works for a Chinese company.

Oh I've done my share of wrong in our marriage. When he moved us to a small town in AL from NY I was so depressed and unhappy then I had a really rough pregnancy resulting in our son being born prematurely. Looking back now I realized how bad I had treated him when I was depressed (and undiagnosed) and he could've left me right there and then but he stayed. I had appologized wholeheartedly to him and told him I want our relationship to be the way it used to. He didn't give much reactions to that. Now that he's in a country that practically worships white man and girls will do anything to get him I think he fell into that famous "Yellow fever" disease and I had lost him.

I've been trying to call him since I woke up before 6 this morning but he didn't pick up and I texted him again with no answer.

Also, I just found out his profile on one of those asian sex website yesterday.

I know I need that 10 years green card if I want to provide my son with a better future but I just don't know how I'm suppose to hang on while he's treating me like this.

I'm sorry but right now I feel like I want to wail and scratch the wall just to get this pain out of my chest.

Thank you so much!

Did you talk to his "friend"?

No, I only know a couple of his friends from work but I don't have their phone numbers and I try not to snoop around by asking those guys because one of them is really a jerk that has been asking him to go out & 'have beers' all the time.

He worked so much late hours even stayed at work for more than 24 hours and now he didn't come home again after saying that he have to go to company's new year's eve dinner party (only for employee he said). I am so crushed right now I feel like I want to run away and just go back to my home country but I know there is no future there for me and my son.

Thank you.

Thanks Cham!

I really don't know how I'm going to survive a few more months living like this but if there's no way out then I will just have to wait until we apply for the removal of condition. I just pray and hope that he will change although to be honest I am running empty on hope right now.

I already feels like a rotten bad mom to my son right now as I really can't function anymore & DH's attitude really doesn't help at all. He can't even touch me anymore and spent so many nights 'working late' who knows what's really going on. I had told him that I want to work on our marriage that it doesn't matter anymore if something did happen or not with that girl but I want him back and I need to see that he wants to save this as much as I am, which sadly he can't seems to do.

I really hate to have to come and ask this questions but I can't run from reality anymore.

We've been married for over 3 years now and I'm still a holder of contional P.R that will expire next in June 2009.

We moved to asia coz DH got a new job there. It took me several months before my son and I can join him. Before we moved here we've had our problems and our marriage was rocky. But when I got here intending to make things work out with us, I found him changed. He's so cold to me like he doesn't love me anymore. Then I found out he had a girl in the apartment we are living because I found some clues here and there. He said nothing happen and he was just giving her a place to stay for a 3-4 weeks (his friend asked him to do it as a favor). I was crushed but what's killing me is how cold he is and how unhappy he looks. We are now living like a roommate and I feel like I'm slowly dying here.

I still love him so much but it's killing me to live like this and whenever I tried to talk to him about it he just shut down and only told me that he stil love me (saying this while staring blankly at the floor) and he said its because we were separated for months and he needs time to get use to having us again. What???? I can't believe what I'm hearing and his actions speaks louder then the mere I love yous. He won't go to counceling at all.

Now, with my green card about to expire and if I do file for a divorce I don't even know where to start. We don't own a home in the US prior to the moving. To come back to my home country is the last option I have and I really don't want to do that because of what I will be facing there. Divorce is still a big taboo there and in my age I will never find a good job there so I want to come back to the US to start a new life for me and my son.

Pls somebody help me.