Marrich

I'm sorry to hear about your troubling situation. You have both gone through a very difficult process to get you to the US which causes plenty of stress and anxiety in itself. Now that you are here you are confronted with a disappointing situation that may seem overwhelming to you yet may not be an impossible one to resolve. Patience and understanding is most important right now. This is not the time to make any drastic moves that you may regret the rest of your life. You felt strongly enough to marry your husband and commit to devote yourself to a marriage for the rest of your life for better or for worse. Sometimes things in a marriage can be the "worse" part but that does not mean they can't get "better". You said you love him, that is not something you can just walk away from easily. You said he quit his overseas job to be with you when you arrived, that is quite a sacrifice for him and a good one because it is important for you both to be together especially during your adjustment to this new life of yours. He may feel depressed, and inadequate now that he is not providing for you, his pride and self worth can be suffering because he has no job. Finding a job can take some time, often more than a couple of months. Since he worked before it's certain he will find another job in time. The marijuana is an issue but not one so serious that a solution can't be worked out. This period of adjustment, his unemployment and the resulting arguing you both have gone through can increase his need to find comfort in the pot. As illegal and controversial as pot is, it is typically far less harmful than alcohol over use can be. My advise is:
1. If he is not threatening you physically do not call the police. The last thing you want is the police and court system in your life. No matter how bad the situation is now, getting the police involved will make it far worse. This is your husband don't forget, right or wrong you are each bound to each other. You certainly wouldn't want or expect him to call the police on you for any reason.
2. You are correct to move out of the house. You both need time apart to cool off and think things through. You should not be in the house so long as the pot is there which may put you in legal jeopardy.
3. Consulting an attorney may be helpful to understand your legal rights and explain the legalities of pot use and possession in your area but considering divorce at this point is way too premature. You felt this man had good qualities that were attractive enough to you to marry him, is he not still that same man? Sure his behavior is a problem right now but behaviors can change, his pot use is a habit and likely a crutch that he feels he needs right now but that does not mean it will be a problem for the rest of his and your life. Your marriage is a bond you each swore to uphold for the rest of your lives.
4. Many nasty things and threats can be spoken in the heat of argument but that does not mean he really wants to do any of the things he says when angry. You may have said some things in anger that you did not mean also.
5. Seek counseling. This is very important. Find a counselor that believes in your religious views, if you are Catholic then find a good marriage counselor that is either Catholic or Christian that you are comfortable with and go by yourself. Your husband, as many men do, may be opposed to counseling which can make a man feel that he should not need someone else to tell him how to manage his own life. He will have to swallow his pride to admit he needs help to manage this situation, that can be difficult and take some time for a man to accept that. If you go to counseling and feel like it is helping, you can then gracefully ask him to participate. You have to convince him that you are getting counseled because you want more than anything to help your marriage to him succeed. He needs to feel that the counselor is unbiased and is not just your partner to criticize him even more. It may be best to pick a male counselor so your husband does not feel he now has two women ganging up on him. It may be good if the counselor contacts him directly and explains to him your sincere devotion to help your marriage. You may need to "interview" more than one counselor before you find one that you like.
6. This is not "his" problem or "your" problem, this is, as all problems within a marriage, a joint problem that you both as a loving, bound couple have to work through together. Perhaps you believe you were brought together by God and united in his name which is a blessing so great it should only happen once in a lifetime. God hates divorce and there is good reason for that, if you have never gone through a divorce you are fortunate because it is a terrible thing to experience and it will be a wound that you will carry the rest of your life. Sometimes divorce is necessary but before considering such a drastic act there are many more steps to take to resolve differences in good faith.
7. Consider this man agreed to support you and your child from another man. It is a very difficult commitment for a man to accept another mans child as his own and support and raise that child for life. You must consider that your husband loves you very much to commit to such a big responsibility.
8. Take time to let the situation calm down, try your best to talk with your husband calmly, focus on the positive aspects of your love for each other, seek solutions, avoid threatening words, avoid taking any action that will cause more harm to an already delicate circumstance and pray.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubling situation. You have both gone through a very difficult process to get you to the US which causes plenty of stress and anxiety in itself. Now that you are here you are confronted with a disappointing situation that may seem overwhelming to you yet may not be an impossible one to resolve. Patience and understanding is most important right now. This is not the time to make any drastic moves that you may regret the rest of your life. You felt strongly enough to marry your husband and commit to devote yourself to a marriage for the rest of your life for better or for worse. Sometimes things in a marriage can be the "worse" part but that does not mean they can't get "better". You said you love him, that is not something you can just walk away from easily. You said he quit his overseas job to be with you when you arrived, that is quite a sacrifice for him and a good one because it is important for you both to be together especially during your adjustment to this new life of yours. He may feel depressed, and inadequate now that he is not providing for you, his pride and self worth can be suffering because he has no job. Finding a job can take some time, often more than a couple of months. Since he worked before it's certain he will find another job in time. The marijuana is an issue but not one so serious that a solution can't be worked out. This period of adjustment, his unemployment and the resulting arguing you both have gone through can increase his need to find comfort in the pot. As illegal and controversial as pot is, it is typically far less harmful than alcohol over use can be. My advise is:
1. If he is not threatening you physically do not call the police. The last thing you want is the police and court system in your life. No matter how bad the situation is now, getting the police involved will make it far worse. This is your husband don't forget, right or wrong you are each bound to each other. You certainly wouldn't want or expect him to call the police on you for any reason.
2. You are correct to move out of the house. You both need time apart to cool off and think things through. You should not be in the house so long as the pot is there which may put you in legal jeopardy.
3. Consulting an attorney may be helpful to understand your legal rights and explain the legalities of pot use and possession in your area but considering divorce at this point is way too premature. You felt this man had good qualities that were attractive enough to you to marry him, is he not still that same man? Sure his behavior is a problem right now but behaviors can change, his pot use is a habit and likely a crutch that he feels he needs right now but that does not mean it will be a problem for the rest of his and your life. Your marriage is a bond you each swore to uphold for the rest of your lives.
4. Many nasty things and threats can be spoken in the heat of argument but that does not mean he really wants to do any of the things he says when angry. You may have said some things in anger that you did not mean also.
5. Seek counseling. This is very important. Find a counselor that believes in your religious views, if you are Catholic then find a good marriage counselor that is either Catholic or Christian that you are comfortable with and go by yourself. Your husband, as many men do, may be opposed to counseling which can make a man feel that he should not need someone else to tell him how to manage his own life. He will have to swallow his pride to admit he needs help to manage this situation, that can be difficult and take some time for a man to accept that. If you go to counseling and feel like it is helping, you can then gracefully ask him to participate. You have to convince him that you are getting counseled because you want more than anything to help your marriage to him succeed. He needs to feel that the counselor is unbiased and is not just your partner to criticize him even more. It may be best to pick a male counselor so your husband does not feel he now has two women ganging up on him. It may be good if the counselor contacts him directly and explains to him your sincere devotion to help your marriage. You may need to "interview" more than one counselor before you find one that you like.
6. This is not "his" problem or "your" problem, this is, as all problems within a marriage, a joint problem that you both as a loving, bound couple have to work through together. Perhaps you believe you were brought together by God and united in his name which is a blessing so great it should only happen once in a lifetime. God hates divorce and there is good reason for that, if you have never gone through a divorce you are fortunate because it is a terrible thing to experience and it will be a wound that you will carry the rest of your life. Sometimes divorce is necessary but before considering such a drastic act there are many more steps to take to resolve differences in good faith.
7. Consider this man agreed to support you and your child from another man. It is a very difficult commitment for a man to accept another mans child as his own and support and raise that child for life. You must consider that your husband loves you very much to commit to such a big responsibility.
8. Take time to let the situation calm down, try your best to talk with your husband calmly, focus on the positive aspects of your love for each other, seek solutions, avoid threatening words, avoid taking any action that will cause more harm to an already delicate circumstance and pray.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubling situation. You have both gone through a very difficult process to get you to the US which causes plenty of stress and anxiety in itself. Now that you are here you are confronted with a disappointing situation that may seem overwhelming to you yet may not be an impossible one to resolve. Patience and understanding is most important right now. This is not the time to make any drastic moves that you may regret the rest of your life. You felt strongly enough to marry your husband and commit to devote yourself to a marriage for the rest of your life for better or for worse. Sometimes things in a marriage can be the "worse" part but that does not mean they can't get "better". You said you love him, that is not something you can just walk away from easily. You said he quit his overseas job to be with you when you arrived, that is quite a sacrifice for him and a good one because it is important for you both to be together especially during your adjustment to this new life of yours. He may feel depressed, and inadequate now that he is not providing for you, his pride and self worth can be suffering because he has no job. Finding a job can take some time, often more than a couple of months. Since he worked before it's certain he will find another job in time. The marijuana is an issue but not one so serious that a solution can't be worked out. This period of adjustment, his unemployment and the resulting arguing you both have gone through can increase his need to find comfort in the pot. As illegal and controversial as pot is, it is typically far less harmful than alcohol over use can be. My advise is:
1. If he is not threatening you physically do not call the police. The last thing you want is the police and court system in your life. No matter how bad the situation is now, getting the police involved will make it far worse. This is your husband don't forget, right or wrong you are each bound to each other. You certainly wouldn't want or expect him to call the police on you for any reason.
2. You are correct to move out of the house. You both need time apart to cool off and think things through. You should not be in the house so long as the pot is there which may put you in legal jeopardy.
3. Consulting an attorney may be helpful to understand your legal rights and explain the legalities of pot use and possession in your area but considering divorce at this point is way too premature. You felt this man had good qualities that were attractive enough to you to marry him, is he not still that same man? Sure his behavior is a problem right now but behaviors can change, his pot use is a habit and likely a crutch that he feels he needs right now but that does not mean it will be a problem for the rest of his and your life. Your marriage is a bond you each swore to uphold for the rest of your lives.
4. Many nasty things and threats can be spoken in the heat of argument but that does not mean he really wants to do any of the things he says when angry. You may have said some things in anger that you did not mean also.
5. Seek counseling. This is very important. Find a counselor that believes in your religious views, if you are Catholic then find a good marriage counselor that is either Catholic or Christian that you are comfortable with and go by yourself. Your husband, as many men do, may be opposed to counseling which can make a man feel that he should not need someone else to tell him how to manage his own life. He will have to swallow his pride to admit he needs help to manage this situation, that can be difficult and take some time for a man to accept that. If you go to counseling and feel like it is helping, you can then gracefully ask him to participate. You have to convince him that you are getting counseled because you want more than anything to help your marriage to him succeed. He needs to feel that the counselor is unbiased and is not just your partner to criticize him even more. It may be best to pick a male counselor so your husband does not feel he now has two women ganging up on him. It may be good if the counselor contacts him directly and explains to him your sincere devotion to help your marriage. You may need to "interview" more than one counselor before you find one that you like.
6. This is not "his" problem or "your" problem, this is, as all problems within a marriage, a joint problem that you both as a loving, bound couple have to work through together. Perhaps you believe you were brought together by God and united in his name which is a blessing so great it should only happen once in a lifetime. God hates divorce and there is good reason for that, if you have never gone through a divorce you are fortunate because it is a terrible thing to experience and it will be a wound that you will carry the rest of your life. Sometimes divorce is necessary but before considering such a drastic act there are many more steps to take to resolve differences in good faith.
7. Consider this man agreed to support you and your child from another man. It is a very difficult commitment for a man to accept another mans child as his own and support and raise that child for life. You must consider that your husband loves you very much to commit to such a big responsibility.
8. Take time to let the situation calm down, try your best to talk with your husband calmly, focus on the positive aspects of your love for each other, seek solutions, avoid threatening words, avoid taking any action that will cause more harm to an already delicate circumstance and pray.

While I don't personally approve of marijuana use I find it offensive to hear someone advising an immigrant who knew what they were getting into how to use our draconian marijuana laws against a USC! Marijuana is no worse than alcohol (though not that much better either) and has been decriminalized in multiple jurisdictions even while it continues to be a federal crime to possess, use, or traffic in it. The day may not be far away when all criminal penalties for its use will be lifted. So don't be applying any double standard to its use you would not also apply to the use of alcohol!
To the OP, this man has stuck his neck out for you and gone to considerable expense to bring you here. Nobody is perfect. If you don't agree with his personal habits just ask for a divorce but don't try to ruin this poor man's life. He does not deserve this nastiness from someone he hoped to find love with!

To smtha81 and everyone else that's suffering through this process: I think of all the difficult trials and tribulations I've been through in my life and this process is by far the hardest to cope with. I try to not think about how senseless it seems to me. I try to focus on the end result; I've found the most wonderful woman I have ever known and the price to pay for a lifetime beyond my dreams is this process of stressing over being apart for far too long, stressing over every detail in the paperwork, the anxiety of anticipating what might go wrong to cause further delay, the desperate lonliness of being without her next to me and on and on. I have to remember I've suffered more and sacrificed more for much longer periods with results that were either so terribly dissapointing or in no way as great as what I know in my heart my life with my asawa will be. We all have our ways of coping with stressful situations, my ways are different than hers, she may not suffer the same way as I do but no question she suffers too. The worst time was at the airport as I was about to leave her. Everything in my mind, my emotions, everything I believed in was telling me that entering that terminal and leaving her behind was the most wrong thing I could ever do. I did not know how to behave or cope with the overload of thoughts and feelings as my rational mind was at war with my desires. She had a migraine and just shut down. I wanted to hold her there forever, she wanted to leave. Of course she was right, I had to go, there was no other option but to get back to the US & get the petition going.
Her faith has strengthened my faith. We speak in terms of hope and wishes. We had to wait 9 months to meet in person and during that time we did not know when she would be able to travel home from her overseas job nor if my finances would provide the funds to see her. Suddenly she got news she had a ticket home and I had an unexpected influx of money. With very little advance notice during the busy December travel season I got tickets. The best I could do was get to Manila 2 days before her and wait in the hotel for 48 hours. I used that time to recover from my 36 hours of flying and learned how to use my new smart phone. Then it was time & I was there at the airport and for the first time I saw her in person in a crowd of thousands of people and heard those words "Hi hon". So I know, no matter how long it takes this time, we will be in each others arms once again, only this time there will be no more painful goodbye's.
We all have to do our best to cope and keep our thoughts on the goal and the reward at the end of this journey. If some of our partners have to tell themselves it will be much sooner than we know is possible then all we should say is "I hope so hon".