jhwh303

We had lunch yesterday and went grocery shopping. I'm acting very calmly around her surprisingly. I realize you don't get answers by screaming at someone. The major problem I have in this is that she gets defensive.

She has always had a way of turning blame over to another person. We got into a car accident one time, she was driving. Car was totaled but both of us escaped unharmed. I ran out of the passenger seat, grabbed her and carried her out of the car and off the freeway. She was immediately very apologetic, to which I responded she had no reason to be and that it could happen to anyone. A while later she blamed me for the accident saying I made a poor decision by letting her drive in the first place. (We were late going somewhere, she was complaining about my slow driving and insisted she drive instead)

I'm seeing some of that again here.. She spends a little bit of time being apologetic, and if I'm still not "satisfied" she gets defensive. She told me she wants to work things out, that it happened, and for me not to think about it so much, "I don't even talk to him anymore".. I know it's still early, but she hasn't done or said anything to make me feel wanted. She's willing to admit that she was weak, f****d up, that she knew it wasn't right. In the same conversation though she also managed to inform me that "in a way" I did it to myself by "allowing another man" to do things for her I hadn't done, and that he wouldn't have done that to his wife (and 3 kids) either if he was happy with his wife. She also seems very concerned that I'll tell her family, my family or any of our friends..

I can't help giving myself part of the blame though. She has been so patient with me. She has been so good with me and my family through the years, and we have had problems in our relationship which I know have been my fault and which I haven't done enough to fix. In a way I blame myself for the separation too - It was my decision not to AOS after the wedding, but instead try living in my country. It was my decision to wait 11 months with the I-130 and try to get her a residence permit in my country first. And during our separation, there were plenty of times when I could have potentially done more to make sure the distance wasn't so obvious. But in the end, they weren't all my decisions alone, I had a big say, but we did make these decisions together..

That woman ain't worth anything, Pal. Time to be selfish and do what seems right and please do not pick the easiest solution. Any time or word spent on this woman should've a waste of yours and others time. I am speaking from a personal experience.

This is what I usually say to friends if something similar has happened to them. And I've always lived by the notion that cheating is unforgivable. But it's a very different scenario when you've spent 4 years with them, opened joint accounts with them and spent the last 3 thanksgivings with their family. Being selfish is one thing - What my own selfishness wants is what's in question..

This woman's brother is like my younger brother, I go hiking with her dad and uncle, and her mother will call me just to chat if she hasn't heard from us in a few weeks. She's just as close to my family. Had this been any of my ex girlfriends, I would have been out of the apartment as soon as I found out. But there's a whole other level to this than just packing up and leaving. We're very closely knit, and up until very recently, I wanted to grow old with this woman. I still do - But not knowing what happened. Right now I'm paranoid even having her sleep at a coworker's house. Most of all I just want to forget.

I'll second this. But for now, OP, don't decide anything this week or next. I say wait till the first week of February to decide something. Why to wait? IMO, you need to listen to her a bit more, when she's ready to talk about this stuff. She's not ready, at the moment. I think you two have a fair shot at making it all work out, to be honest. However, having a big job can be a godsend, as it forces you to focus attention on something else. ---The above was free advice - take it or leave it.

I'm still waiting to hear back from their HR dept. I think you're right about a job being a godsend - At least it will force me to think about something else.. And right now, apart from the little savings I have, she's the one supporting me financially.

Who ever is? The important thing is that you're demonstrating great strength and resolve, and an amazing amount of poise and circumspection, after having taken a blow to the gut. Only a real man -- and a guy who has his head screwed on very straight -- reacts like this.Here's something else to consider. I came up with this years ago, when dealing with situations in my own life.THE "HAPPINESS HIERARCHY"1. Happily married2. Happily single3. Unhappily single4. Unhappily marriedObviously ranked from best to worst, si man. At some points in our lives, #2 may temporarily equal #1, but #3 and #4 never change positions, no man.

Thank you. Your happiness hierarchy I think is spot on, and absolutely something to take into consideration.

I made another log-in because this message is not to be connected to me because I am not that person anymore. This was a long time ago. A long time ago I was the "other woman" in a man's life and my husband found out. It was horrible for both of us. But I begged to stay and he let me. It maybe took a year or more for us to get back to normal, and even though he said he could never forgive me, he eventually did because he realized we both had problems. So we raised our kids and went on with life, had good times, adventures, trips, plans along with all the other things that happen in life, bills and work and such. I was never unfaithful again. Then he died from cancer.Looking back, why, I ask myself, did I do this, and I realize I have a relationship now with my new husband that I was missing in my marriage with my first husband. Did that give me permission to do what I did? No. Did it make what I did ok? No. I can't help feeling that if, just if we would have split then, first husband could have gone on to marry someone who REALLY loved and enjoyed everything about him including the things I could not enjoy with him, like drinking, and maybe I would have found a soul mate. Or maybe not. Like they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.So who was wrong in this scenario? The husband, who, after quite a few beers makes unkind remarks? Or the wife who meets a man on the sly that makes her feel like a million? Do you see yourself in a similar crash and burn situation or do you have something better, something that can be salvaged from the ashes, dusted off and begun again, better maybe, after the soul-barring and forgiving process?I have spent probably an hour writing this. It's from my heart. It's a story almost no one knows about me. Thankfully my kids grew up good. And now I have my sexy soul mate who confides in me and cares for me and worries over me and we have darn wonderful fun together and laugh and play and enjoy life and each other. We have mutual respect and care and concern for each other's feelings. I didn't know a man could be that way. Can you have that with your spouse? I hope and pray that you do. Ok, over and out. Don't know if I will log in again unless someone has a question.

I'm so glad I read this.. I don't really have anything to say about it or any comments on it right now. But thank you so much for taking the time to write it.

First off, my sincere condolences. My marriage went t!ts up due to infidelity 11 months after we entered the US, despite having lived together abroad for a couple of years before we made the move. He and I tried to reconcile for almost a year while living separately, and did six months of marital therapy. Ultimately, though, you both have to be committed to counselling to make it work, and he wasn't. (In retrospect, although the break-up was cataclysmic, I've come out the other end happier and healthier than I've ever been as an adult.)You need to step back from all of this for a while, even though it is all you can think about (and will be for some time). What is the outcome you desire most of all? Is that outcome realistic? Does it involve her? Does she want to be involved? There are many on here who will say once a cheater, always a cheater. Personally, I don't agree that this is always the case. But you do need to look at your wife's history in this matter, and determine whether you can trust her. I don't know about you, but what was most painful to me was that he lied to me. Not being with another woman, but all the lies. He still lies to me about what happened, even though he and I have grown to be friends again. When you marry someone, you open yourself to them completely, bring them yourself and trust them with your heart and soul and body. Breaking that trust can be fatal. Only you and she know whether the trust can be rebuilt.My best advice would be not to do anything rash right now, when you are at your most vulnerable and most raw. It feels surreal, like you're walking in a dream, I know. If you can stay with friends now, do. Talk to your friends and family. They know you best. There are people on here who will tell you to go home, you have nothing invested here. Only you know how much you have invested here, in terms of life and relationship.It is your decision. Be strong, and take courage.

Thank you..

I can stay with friends. I have friends here in the US from my college days, but I have none in this city. The closest friend I have is a $200 airfare away.. One-way. But that's not a trip I can make with no job security.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this.. Did you end up staying or going back home?

I am really sorry about your situation.Since this just came to light,i say what you need now is some time to sort out your feelings.Please,take the time to talk it out with her and keep talking ,until you figure out what is best for you both.I will say this,The human spirit can endure more that we give ourselves credit for. At this moment you feel you will never be able to forgive her and move forward with the relationship.I would ask you to think (just think) about opening up the lines of communication with her and envision that there are other options in your case that involve her and a possible reconciliation.Btw there is NOTHING to feel embarassed about.If you need another ear to listen email me.I'll be praying for you.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

At the moment I'm just thinking a million different things. None are very rational. I spoke to another good friend of mine and fellow member of this forum who advised me to just sit down and think about what I want to do.. Make a plan B, a plan C, and a plan D and so forth.

Thank you all for your responses so far. I've had a few days to think since this happened, but haven't gotten myself to post about this until today..

Capri, I am from a western European country, and have traveled to the US frequently with no problems. Both before and after getting married.

If we were to separate, I would stay temporarily with some family members or friends in a different state. Until we could maybe hopefully reconcile. I don't want to leave, but it's also very difficult to stay in this apartment with her. With all her stuff here. All of our stuff.

As far as evidence for a possible ROC waiver I don't have much. I've only been here for 6 weeks.. I'm listed as her husband as emergency contact on her ID, we have a joint bank account, both our names on the car insurance, family cell phone plan, and some utility bills, not in both names, but the electric and water are in her name, cable is in mine - both for the same address. I'm not listed on the apartment lease as her and our roommate signed it a few months before I arrived. We are about to add me on the car though.. We have 3.5 years worth of photos together, both with friends, family and on vacation in different countries. I suppose I could get tons of affidavits from friends and her family too. Maybe even her depending on what happens. And.. We did leave the US immediately after our wedding (I was in valid F-1 status) and didn't file the I-130 til 11 months after the wedding when we finally decided to move.. Plus, I received my visa only 3 months before the 2 year wedding anniversary..

Sandranj and the maven - That's exactly why I'm so worried.. I feel like I won't be able to look at her the same way again. I won't say never, but I just don't want to sit here in 2, 3, 10 years and still look at my wife as the woman who betrayed me. It's not so much about the lying, believe it or not.. She never lied directly to my face as far as I know. She just didn't tell me. Or in her words.. "You never asked." What really hurt aside from the mere thought of her with another man, is the fact that she got defensive and partially blamed me..

First off. I never in a million years thought I'd be posting a topic in this part of the forum.

But I guess bad things can happen to anyone. I need help figuring out what to do, and I need this forum to vent and get some advice.

I am an active member on this forum, and I apologize that I’m not posting under my regular username, but quite frankly, I’m too embarrassed and humiliated to. I’ve made many great friends on this forum, some I’ve even met in person. Most of you would recognize me if I posted under my regular username, and many of you will likely figure out who I am from the timelines of this post. But for right now, I want to remain anonymous, and I hope that you all will all respect that. You can PM me if you know who I am.

I apologize in advance if this post becomes repetitive or incoherent. I just need to vent..

Here's the gist of what has happened..

We met 4 years ago, began dating 3.5 years ago. We're 2 months short of our 2 year wedding anniversary. We got married in the US, but did not file for AOS. Instead, she came with me back to my country and stayed. After 10 months, we finally decided that overall, it would be best if we settled in the US. This decision was based on her not speaking the language, me speaking fluent English. Her knowing nothing about my country’s lifestyle, while I had my entire education in the US. And quite frankly, she didn’t like my country, I love this country. We met while I was on an F-1, and got married after I graduated. While we were still young, the decision to get married was taken in part due to her family being skeptical of us living together without being married, in part due to us both knowing that we wouldn't be able to live together, neither in my country nor the US unless we were married, and most of all, because we knew we wanted to spend our lives together. We filed the I-130 11 months after our wedding. (She was "living" in my country as a tourist) - And when we finally decided on a country to file in, she was on her 80th day of 90 allowed in my country. She went back to the US and filed the I-130 immediately. Since then, I visited her on the VWP a couple of times, and she visited me once.

10 months after initial filing, I finally arrived in the US on a CR-1 visa 6 weeks ago.

The distance killed us. It was tough. It was hard. Even though we were lucky enough to see each other for a few weeks with 3 month intervals, it was excruciating. Most members here know what I'm talking about. However, we made it work.

Anyway. I arrived here 6 weeks ago. Things were great. Aside from the normal issues like not knowing anyone here, and having to start from scratch with a job, things were great. I loved it here (still do to an extent). Until this week. I found something I shouldn't have.....

In a nut shell. She had an affair.

Sigh.. It makes me sick to my stomach to even talk about this. I already knew of an "incident" a few years ago where she admitted that she had previously kissed another guy, felt horrible and came clean to me. We fought about it, made up, and forgot about it. This time, it's way more serious. I confronted her about what I found. She got stumped, and she basically said "Does it really matter now?" and literally said "If I confirm this.. What are you going to do?" - I immediately yelled "You just did confirm it!" and broke down. Her first reaction was to apologize while I was crying. When I got mad, her reaction turned defensive arguing that it was only because of the distance, and it wouldn't have happened if I was here. She also tried to blame me for it, because I hadn't done enough sweet things for her during the time apart, and this guy did. Hello!!! You MARRIED ME!!! I must have done something right! This happened during the summer, before she came on a vacation with me and my family. I haven't probed too much into it, I can't for my own sanity's sake, and she keeps telling me "don't ask, it'll only make it worse" but I know enough to know that this wasn't a one time thing either. It was a fling. She has assured me that she doesn't speak to the guy anymore, and that he does not even live in this city. Apparently, this guy was a temporary "step-in" for me. But here's another shocker. The guy, as I came to find out, is married also.

She slept at a coworker's house last night. I've gotten about 6 hours worth of sleep in the last couple of nights combined. I made her breakfast this morning and went to her work to give it to her.. It was slightly awkward, we didn't really speak. I have no idea what to do really..

I love her. I love her to death. I'd take a bullet for this woman. I brought her into my family. I was warmly welcomed into hers. I can't even imagine what her mother would do if she found out. I don't want anyone to find out. This is just so humiliating, embarrassing and painful. I want to work things out, but I just don't trust her. I have no idea if this was a one time thing, or if it has happened before too during other times of separation. There is no reason for me to believe that it hasn't happened before, other than her word. Which I don't trust one bit. And that’s my problem. I love her enough to forgive a mistake. I love her enough to forgive practically anything. But I also love her enough that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. And that scares me, because that is not a good recipe for a happy marriage.

This is an extremely difficult situation. I love her so much, and I meant what I said when I told her "I do." This is fairly fresh in my head, and not something I was mentally prepared for at all. I still have to pinch myself in the arm to remember that this is real. That it isn't a nightmare.

I have no money. While I at least have a job here (I started working part-time recently), it isn't a great income. All my financial resources have been spent on this process, moving, and on visits and vacations during the process. I even paid the deposit and rent on her old apartment which I never got to live in.. But that she apparently had a guy visit quite frequently.. I feel like barfing just at the mere thought of this. Seriously, I feel physically ill. I quit my job back home back in August, thinking the interview was at most a month away (turned out to be 3 months away and another month to receive the visa). I have nowhere to go. I don't know anyone in this state, other than my wife and our roommate. I can't face my parents. I can't even face my friends. I struggle to look at her even. In essence, I have nothing for me here, except a wife who.. Yea.. I have nothing to go back to in my country either, except my parents' house.

So far I've only told one member on here in private, and one of my good friends from college back on the west coast. He has offered me a place to at least sleep - But that's thousands of miles away, on the west coast.

I'm really not in a position to be thinking about immigration related matters right now. At this point I don't want to stay. At least not in this city/state. But I know that if I leave, it's over for good. And I'm not ready to make that decision at this time. I want to be firm. But I’m not thinking rationally now. I don’t want to make huge mistakes while I’m in a state of shock. To top this off, I had a job interview last week for a very good job here in this city, full-time and with excellent compensation. They called me back yesterday and I had no idea what to really say to them. One of the things they pushed me on was longevity. “We want to make sure you’re not going to quit anytime soon.” – To which my response was “I’m not going anywhere.” Luckily, I’m only hired on the condition of passing a background check – which I find out the result of in a week or so.. Gives me more time to think..

For now, my options are these:

1. Stay here, try to work things out. (Not sure if I can, though I want to)

2. Stay here, separate, see where time and distance takes me/us. (Not sure if I can stay here without her. This place is tainted to me)

3. Leave, crash at a friend's/aunt's/cousin's house in a different state and see where time and distance takes me/us.

4. Leave, go back home.

If I went home, got a divorce and abandoned my green card, how difficult would it be to come back to visit or for graduate school?

If I chose to stay and work things out, how difficult would it be to file a joint I-751 with a period of separation in the middle?

If I chose to stay in the country, and get a divorce, how difficult would it be to file an I-751 divorce waiver?

I'm shaking right now.. Can't believe I'm posting this..