New York Guy

Hi, I sent in the 485 in september 2012. My spouse, a Philippina woman and I are waiting for the interview to follow. I think 9 months is a pretty long time. How long is it supposed to take. Thank You.

That is a load of horse manure. He married a woman almost young enough to be his daughter (a 17 year age difference) without understanding anything about her or her culture. His outbursts and confrontations made the matter worse and instead of being an adult about it, he tells her to leave if she wants and then he broods about how life is unfair. He's mentally unstable and should first be looking to care for himself. She showed none of the signs of true fraud by having plans set in motion the moment she landed and even tried to stay with his family to allow the OP time to resolve the situation in an appropriate manner. He didn't get 'hosed'. He should have learned from all of this that his behavior towards the woman was inappropriate, his choice to marry a Filipina is likely based on a male fantasy and not a love or appreciation of the woman herself or her culture, and that he needs to set his own house in order before trying to settle down again.

She could have cleaned him out of house and home. She could have filed rape or domestic abuse charges (even if there was no evidence the charge itself is devastating) for even better results, but all she did was leave after he told her to go if she wanted. She ended up at a community center that likely put her in touch with a women's shelter which is where she would have been instructed to ditch her phone and avoid all contact with him. He likely can't contact her because those are the rules enforced by women's shelters and not because she is ignoring him.

No one said she was too young for me for the 5 years I was supporting her, and her relatives cut her off from support because they knew she had me. I acted responsibly and like we were married, even though I went through five years and only saw her for two weeks. We treated each other with respect on the phone, and when she got here, for some weird reason, that still boggles my mind, every single person she met got a nice voice, and sweetness from her, I got nasty talk, like you wake me up at 4 am to put your arm around me, I am trying to sleep. I dont know why she hated me off the bat, all I did from then on was try real real hard to get her to just "like me" Like I said, I guess she looked around and saw a lot of opportunity of Americans and Filipino men with money, than she ever saw before, once she got here. Cant make a marriage work when she is trying to change me into something I am not. I am not Filipino

That is a load of horse manure. He married a woman almost young enough to be his daughter (a 17 year age difference) without understanding anything about her or her culture. His outbursts and confrontations made the matter worse and instead of being an adult about it, he tells her to leave if she wants and then he broods about how life is unfair. He's mentally unstable and should first be looking to care for himself. She showed none of the signs of true fraud by having plans set in motion the moment she landed and even tried to stay with his family to allow the OP time to resolve the situation in an appropriate manner. He didn't get 'hosed'. He should have learned from all of this that his behavior towards the woman was inappropriate, his choice to marry a Filipina is likely based on a male fantasy and not a love or appreciation of the woman herself or her culture, and that he needs to set his own house in order before trying to settle down again.

She could have cleaned him out of house and home. She could have filed rape or domestic abuse charges (even if there was no evidence the charge itself is devastating) for even better results, but all she did was leave after he told her to go if she wanted. She ended up at a community center that likely put her in touch with a women's shelter which is where she would have been instructed to ditch her phone and avoid all contact with him. He likely can't contact her because those are the rules enforced by women's shelters and not because she is ignoring him.

I appreciate constructive criticism because I married for love, and really had nothing to gain by not loving her, and I really wanted to bring her son and maybe cousins here. Was it more pity that I married her? some of my friends say this. Did she hose me, plan it all along? All my friends say this, but remember, they are my friends and wont really criticize me. I hate to hear the woman I love talked about like that, and it is true, I have some of the blame for not really understanding all about her, but this is to be expected. Most of the posts on the internet about these women are negative, so I ignored them. Where else do I find out about their culture, but by my short visit, and listening to her when she has problems, and how they handle them.

Well, when she came here, she seemed to leave me out all Tagalog conversations on her phone, many of them, I did not know she had so many friends or cousins all over the U.S. and Hong Kong that married foreigners, so she knew a little more about foreign marriages, but did not teach me anything. I cannot learn from a person that simply points their eyebrows when they want something. I am learning a lot more now, and am in contact with a woman that I started talking to 7 years ago. Should I really concentrate on the age difference if I move to the Philippines and marry her, verse bringing her here, where she can find many men her own age to get along with, then fall into that social level. You know what they all say over there when you say to them, you are so beautiful, why can't you find a husband there? They say, the men are all liars, I dont believe that. Its because they have no money and these girls want to be secure. Maybe not rich, but secure, and here with me, she had it made. Now, I think she will be happy in a homeless shelter. I will never know what will happen to her I guess. I have to learn to stop worrying about her, but, well, if I make her the devil, I make all filipino women the devil and give up on em. Cant do that, something stops me.

There is an enormous difference between expressing hostility through the silent treatment and keeping your voice down in order to calm tensions. People who rationalize tampo are pulling the bait-and-switch: assigning the wrong motivations to tampo in order to justify it.

In terms of evolutionary cultural adaptation it is better understood as classic guerilla warfare. The weaker side is extremely foolish to take on the stronger side in an open field of battle. Elementary guerilla warfare is to conceal, to stalk silently, to strike at the soft underbelly of the enemy with the little daggar instead of beating on his heavy armor in vain. So you work the emotions of sympathy, guilt, witholding of affection etc. instead of screaming at the guy who can crush you in one blow.

When you scream at your husband where close neighbors can hear, they're also going to say that you've got what is coming to you. Silence conceals your aggression and poses you as the victim in the court of public opinion. It is all so understandable, yet remains inferior to viewing relationships as a team instead of being adversaries.

I would have loved to treat her the way you describe the Tampo. My natural tendency of an American is toa say, "awww, poor baby", as anyone would do to me if sulked that way. If I have to apologize after the discussion is over, then I do so not to say she is right, but to get back into holding and loving her like I did. If this Tampo is an art that must be mastered, it should be in writing when you get married. This softness, and tender feelings and crying, just gives me a heart attack and suicidal feelings if I cannot let her know I still love her afterward. It is sad.

Move on but If i am were im not going to divorce her.

I will let her to divorce you bcoz thats what she want. dont spend money to divorce her... let her to kiss ur #### to sign the divorce paper... she cant ask for financial support coz u dont have kid to her.. in terms of property and everything.. if u can prove that u buy those things before ur marriage she cant get it....

be smart.. dont let the girl eat ur loving heart and loose everything...

Thanks for all the sympathy, I know she is human and must be going through some stuff, where she requires sympathy as well, and I still love her, I dont stab in the back. The problem is she never gave us a chance to fight a little, then make up and feel deeper in love which is normal after a discussion that leads to a little loud talking. I want her so bad to know I love her, and she does not communicate with me for months, I know she must need some love, I feel she is on the defensive all this time, I worry about her having a nervous breakdown. I know it takes two to tango, which she uses all the time on the phone i bought her. Because i care about her. But like the money i have been sending her for years, I never asked for anything in return but friendship, and love. I feel that some Filipino women are a bit immature about love and marriage, and feel the emotion of love has to be there all the time, and friendship does not matter. I got this feeling from her a while ago, but did not act on it. Friends first they say.

It funny that at this time, the Philippine govt is working on legalizing divorce. What is this world coming to? There goes my role model. I wish people would not treat marriage and divorce like a fast food restaurant and work things out. I wish VAWA would investigate these womens claims and see if they need counseling on how to be a wife.

Am so carried away by your emotional love story. But life never ends there. Actually, i didn't find my fiance on dating site. A very good friend of mine who's currently living in the States introduced him to me. It was really unexpected and luckily we did get along well. If i were you, find your "true love" to a trusting filipino/filipina friend.

If you are ready, just keep in touch with me, i have lots of educated and trusted friends ready to love and be loved. By the way, what ideal age are you looking for?

Lastly, Happy New Year, and may you find the right woman someday.

God bless. [twitter][/twitter]

Thanks. It is weird, I hate her for marrying me, she could not love me if she would not contact for me all this time only 2 months after we were married. But in my mind, I wait for her to come back. It is unbelievable someone could befriend you for all this time, and then poof!!! The lure of a green card, and following the rules of not contacting me must be stronger than love. Me on the other hand, I am still considering of giving up on my own country and retiring in the Philippines in 2014. Know any good places that are not super expensive to retire there? Thanks again.

So, I thought I was done posting on this topic but after reading all these comments to you and your responses, I guess I'm not.

I totally disagree with all the blind support for you. It isn't right. You asked for your options and you got many of them. Failure to see that there are two sides to this story is pathetic at best and is demonstrated OVER and OVER in reponses to your topic. It is SO easy to throw your wife under the bus because she is NOT here to defend herself. It doesn't matter who is right and wrong. There are many types of abuse and it IS NOT just physical abuse you should be worried about.

Sorry, OP, your story doesn't hold up in my opinion. There are WAY TOO many things that do not add up. One poster pointed out that your family HELPED her get away from you! Did people seriously miss this?? Your mother let her stay at her home! Why did she pick the moment you "snapped" at her to put her plan in to motion??? It doesn't make sense to me.

If I am wrong and she did use you for immigration, then fine I am sorry for your situation.

Also, it's Filipino, not Philipino. After "supporting her for 5 years", you would think you would know this but you made this mistake a few times. Your post does sound like you have no clue about her or her culture. I guess that "I thought she would be intelligent enough" could be taken wrong as well.

Best advice given in this whole thread: Get a divorce and move on.

Like I said before. I am just frustrated with myself more than anything now that I figured out it was a pill that made me irritable. Some of the things I was mad at, I probably exagerated because of this stupid medication. My family I believe, did not support me, I think I must of been acting too tense. I am not now, but the problem is she went to the law to end our marriage when love was still there, it is just my ###### luck that I have problems, medically. That is why I am so heartbroken. Not suicidal anymore, but I sure wish I could hug her. Life, what can you do sometimes but cry.

Well, the bad news is you will be responsible for her financially for 10 years, even if she remarries, if she tries to grab welfare benefits. So sad when these things happen when you truly care about the other person.

You can get them for much less than that...

I did a pre nup that was online. It basically said she get $2000 bucks to go back home. She signed it, a witness signed it, and it was in English and Tagalog. If I move to the Philippines will I still be financially responsible?

Why is it that we are so quick to judge? We only read one side of the story. Where's the OP now? He did not even post anymore. If he really feels like very aggravated, he will follow-up the questions here. How did he snap at her? What are the attitudes/character he showed to her while they were together? My only question is, why was she able stay at his mother's house? Meaning his mother is not mad or dislike her. She is supporting her. The sister drove her to the community center, right? Why they supported her to get away from him? Maybe because they know that this guy can be crazy and have an unstable mental state? Maybe he can hurt her physically when provoked? Otherwise the guy's family will help them get back, right? People just think that when a Filipina will leave, she was just after of GC. What if her life is in danger because of his aggressive attitude? What if he has a certain character that she really don't dislike and is scared of? Let's admit it, there's a lot of crazy American guys out there who are even Psychopaths or Schizophrenics. She's 38. A woman who's 38 are not suppose to cry that much? I am 38 too, I can cry rivers for God's sake! We always think that when an American guy will write something bad about their Fiipina wives, he's the God or the perfect guy and it is always the Filipina's fault. Fraudulent, user, scammer. Have we ever thought what could have possibly she went through with the guy for her to run away for good? Why can't she just wait for her GC and citizenship before she will run if she's. really a fraud? Why now if nothing bad has really going on? Attitude, abuse, fear, mental instability? God bless her wherever she is right now. I hope she's safe. We don't really know what she went through.

I am new here, I was waiting for email that I got replies. I just started checking now. You are right, God bless her, and God keep her safe, don't take my accusations of her too seriously, I blame myself or try to, I don't like blaming others for anything. But I was in a very horrible emotional state when I posted. Really, lets just hope this little girl from the Philippines is safe. If she is having emotional problems, I feel so sorry and guilty for it. I have tried my best to express my apology, and that I was working on solving whatever problem we had, but she has never replied. It is just a sad thing. Not a super bad thing, or a horrible case of abuse.

Hello budy, sorry because that "girl" did, but I think she will not come back to you as you want, even if you support her medically or economically, she will not come back, she probably had a plan before she come to US. Any ways the country from she come from originaly is not the point, the point is how she act, and you must go to report to the police as abandoned married and also send a letter to USCIS do not try to give to her any other benefit, she did not respect to you and your feelings after your father died, so let her go she will not fix her imigration situation with you, any other person will help to her, she is probably with another man at this time, so just forget this situation close that book and move on. Remember you are suffering and she is probably enjoing with another man, you were only a step or a ticket to come to US she is not realy smart as she think she is. Dont be silly suicide is not an option because out there is a lot of girls WAITING JUST FOR YOU all that you did for her shows that you are a good man. Change the door locks just in case.

Sorry and just move on.

Good look

I just looked on the internet, I cannot find a thing about reporting abandonment to the police.

Honestly I am pretty appalled at the level of blind support the OP has been given based on his rather shaky story.

First and foremost, marrying just a week after your fiance arrives in the US is not something to be concerned about. You are required to have full intentions to marry when the K-1 visa is issued. The 90 day period given is to allow people to plan and execute the wedding, NOT test drive your future spouse. To enter the US or to bring someone in on a K-1 visa without the express intent to marry them is immigration fraud.

Second, the OP admits to being emotionally unstable and volatile enough to snap at his new bride. The only fault here is that the young woman didn't fully know the man she was going to marry and was ill-prepared for the stress involved in moving overseas, getting married, and trying to make a life with someone that apparently expected a different woman. The OP blames everything and everyone but himself for his problems (his father dying, his wife, the people at the shelter). At no point does he admit that he was at fault for causing the initial conflict by snapping at her. He forced a confrontation about her lack of intimacy, not by being polite and reasonable about it at an appropriate time, but instead accuses her of deliberately angering him the same night a family member has died.

She has been living at a shelter for two months after first trying to live with his mother. If there was real fraud going on she'd have a more solid escape plan from the relationship (a boyfriend and/or local friends). Let's just ignore the fact that he blew her off by telling her to go ahead and leave his mother's house instead of trying to resolve the issue with counselling or speaking with her parish priest.

The workers at the shelter are likely the ones blocking contact as that is a core element of the support structure of those institutions. A major rule of almost all women's shelters is that they will lose the support of the shelter if they communicate with the spouse/boyfriend/abuser. It's likely she doesn't even have the same number she had when the OP last saw her.

It is clear that the OP was unprepared for the marriage given his admitted mental state and reaction to events. Divorce is the best option for everyone involved. If the wife wants to attempt to fix the marriage she can make contact after the papers are filed. As for the OP's final comment about still trusting Filipinas and wanting to marry another one, it should strike everyone as repugnant that the OP objectifies and classifies women of any particular ethnicity in such a manner. Women are women the whole world over, some good and some bad. Fixating on one specific country (especially one that is known for placing foreign boyfriends on a pedestal) is not just creepy but reprehensible behavior.

I appreciate the criticism. I cannot truly see myself when I got angry. Maybe I was a little too scary looking. I said in a previous reply I found out this week it one of my 3 pills I take in the morning, one of the blood pressure pills, I have diabetes too.

I think if we had a meeting with the therpist, and her people there, and her, she would be able to talk it out with me, and see I look and feel better. I have written to her numerous times to try to set up this meeting, and she has not replied. That is why I suspect fraud and not intention of wanting to be married. But I love her, and will still give her the benefit of the doubt, even if it kills me. I worry about her so much, she can screw me left and right, I won't stoop to her level. Call me nuts, but I think with my witnesses to who saw me talking to her when she was crying, and my therepist who can testify of my improvement, she would have a hard time proving abuse, and just look like she wants to get out of marriage. But, I still give her the benefit of the doubt because of her gag order.

Dude, im in your boat also. dont you hate it when others here say "move on"?! how can we? i loved my wife like no tomorrow, and this happened to me also. I hate to say it, but the uscis needs to eliminate the K-1 visa process now. its become an epidemic! ill just soon move to th Phils, its cheaper there! All you visa fraud girls. GO HOME!

You sound like me! I keep telling everyone, guys have deep, maybe deeper feelings than women I am begining to believe. I tell everyone I am moving to the Philippines too, maybe marry, maybe not, but I will live there and retire in 2 years I believe, because I don't want to go through deep depression like I was for weeks, I want a lover, and am already talking a woman I was talking to a little before I met my wife. I think that is the way to go. I will live in the typhoons and all the rest of the stuff that I worried about her going through. To hell with her, I don't wish that, but I know it will all come back to her when her momentum runs out.

Before we make any accusation remember we only hear one side of the story

My suggestion is you wait. You have waited 5 years to be with her so lets wait for another 6 months. Eventually they (police or lawyers) will have to contact you. Don't make any decisions that you might regret later.

No physical abuse as I said. I was just agitated all the time and did not know why. Everyone was annoying me, I had a very hard time keeping self control. I found out this week, by process of elimination, because I felt good when I woke up, it was one of my morning blood pressure pills I had been taking for 8 months. Amlodipine. Now I feel fine. The therepist agreed, I look calmer. More relaxed.

I asked one of her friends to call her and let her know this today. I have not heard back to find out the outcome. But I have a feeling she went too far with trying to get her visa on an abuse case, and soon it will be too late. The interview in a few months.

I am engaged to a white guy too from US.. I am a filipina and I dislike filipina that uses american men a ticket meal just for them to get what they want when they arrived in the US... I'm blessed to have found a Christian man. we both have the same beliefs and church goer too. I am 100% sure that I am marrying this man for LOVE and not other else.. I hope your wife will realized what she did and let go the most important man in her life that loved her whole heartedly.. but for me mister, i would encourage you to file a divorce... and cut all the benefits that she may be getting from you. someone like her doesn't deserved a good man like you..

Thank you for believing in me. I feel that the affidavit of support is still in effect and giving her medical, at least I am protecting myself from making her become a burden to society.

I can't really file divorce until she is gone for 6 months.

A little embarrassed, and messed up for a while, just getting over it.

Married my k1 fiance after a week. I thought she was intelligent enough to be patient and we could each learn our ways and stay married til interview time.

Luck would have it, my father got sick, died, and I was a little upset. A couple of times I snapped at her. She was acting strange. Not letting me touch her, hug her, things like that. I had a feeling she was intentionally trying to piss me off. The night my father died, I confronted her with this, and she began to cry, I never saw someone cry that much for a 38 year old! I am 55.

She went to stay at my moms house 2 weeks. I kept coming there asking, begging, crying for her to come back. She said she had friends in a Philippino neighborhood near us, and I said, go. I can't take it anymore, I'm having heart attacks seeing her here, and sleeping alone, knowing she may be crying at my mothers house.

So, my sister comes back after driving her, my sis says, she went to the BAYANIHAN COMMUNITY CENTER

40-21 69th Street, Woodside, NY 11377 She lied, no friend.

I heard though someone she called that they got her to go the police and report abuse. She has been there 2 months, and they won't answer the phone, won't answer my emails. She does not answer her phone or texts. Just like that after 5 years of supporting her and her son with xoom. She treats me like I'm dead.

I love her to death and would do anything to get her back. But the police said if she went there, she went because its a place where abused women go, and I cannot contact her.

Now heres the clincher, her friend told me they have immigration lawyers there that will get her her green card anyway. No one has contacted me to find out if her charges are real!!!!!! Any Philipino woman can do this, and I hope they do, and this place gets busted for visa fraud. Its dangerous too to allow anyone a green card these days. I don't think she is all there now if she can do this so coldly. I am 50% certain she planned it. I would take her back anyway. The interview isn't for a few months.

Sorry for the long story, but I thought you should know, it can happen to you. This girl just was not a good listener, and refused to talk at length without getting angry herself.

I was told by my therapist which I needed for my suicidal thoughts afterwards, not to go the infopass route, don't make waves. I sent a certified letter to the USCIS that I sent the 485 to. Now I figure, just wait, I won't get a divorce cause I want her to keep the medical benefits from job and texted that to her that she can still use the cards. Divorce in the future though.

I still trust Philippina girls, and in a few years may retire there and marry again after dating.

So, what do you suggest I do. Nothing?