Sarah Grace

So everyone that isn't Nigerian sees the word and they brains go into scam overdrive. They are usually every well intended but they actually have very little effect on the relationship. Scammers still succeed and many a legit relationship falls to a USC that becomes convinved that she is being scammed.

Any time you are dating someone from a high fraud country it is a good practice to go slowly. Some people from these places are the sweetest most honest people in the world. However there are some that will sell their parents for a way to get out of the country. Every relationship will have issues with the differences in cultures as I hinted at in my earlier post.

As part of learning I suggest you go to the yahoo site romance scams and read a little. You will see how tens of thousands of people have become convinced they are madly in love with a dream and send huge sums of money to strangers that promise them the world. I would just lurk and read if I were you as they will try their best to de program you and get you to run away from everything Nigerian.

Read the books "I do not come to you by chance" and "A culture of corruption" You should be able to find both used on Amazon or Ebay

Do NOT marry on your first trip. It doesn't look good immigration wise and you will be swept up in a huge bunch of emotions and need time to digest everything you will experience.

Thanks, that's the best bit of advice I've gotten

The thing is that, even with one visit, your chances of getting a K1 approved, especially considering how you met, are very low. If you really think this guy has feelings for you, tell him you have to (because you haven't met yet and you should ideally see each other more than twice for Lagos) wait until you have more evidence and a longer relationship.

And when he pulls a vanishing act on you because of that, then you'll see what everyone here has been trying to warn you about.

Mike and I have a lot to discuss when I visit him. I'll make sure we talk about the evidence issue. Personally, I'm willing to wait in order to gather evidence ... or otherwise make a good case for us. Our issue right now is meeting. I think Mike will he fine with putting off the visa until later, so long as we still get to see each other. I will pose some questions when he comes online next.

Sarah,

You seem like a very intelligent woman. I'm judging from the way that you express yourself in writing. I know that it seems alot of people are "coming down on you". The fact is that life experience really is the best teacher and many people just don't want to see you get hurt. You seem to have a good heart and there are MANY that will take advantage of it. That's the reality. I'm a skeptical person by nature and I would advise you to approach this guy with a skeptical mind. Assume that he is a scammer in your mind, and give him the opportunity to prove you WRONG. Question him ALOT. Step back about a hundred yards from your feelings. If it turns out you get in an argument ..well so be it. A woman shouldn't accept everything said to her is true, until that person's actions prove it to her.

A few years back, I was considering an expedition trip to South Africa. On the literature for team members, they STRONGLY RECOMMENDED that noone venture out from the research facilties alone, ESPECIALLY WOMEN. They didn't say why, but I read the previous posts of rape, etc. and that explains it for me.

I have some real fears about you and your mother going over there. Since, you are a religious person, I would also advise you to pray for clarity in this situation. If this guy has ill intentions towards you or your family ask God to reveal it to you. And he will.

Good luck to you! and please be careful!!

I did question him a lot, weighed his answers. I'd stare at his pictures to glean some more information from the background. I didn't let my heart make my decisions. He's posted about me on other people's or page's walls, and I was not guaranteed to see them. His friends compliment him all the time. "Is she the one? " yes "lucky guy ".

Here are a few suggestions for assisting one in determining if a relationship is sincere, prior to making a visit.

1. Can you talk on the webcam regularly and always on time.

2. When you talk on the webcam, are others (family members, friends of the foreigner, etc.) included in the conversation?

3. Is there interest in meeting the US Citizen's family on the webcam? Does this actually happen?

4. Does the foreigner completely answer detailed questions about their family, work, education and life experience?

Others have pointed out some red flags. The biggest ones to me are how the couple initially became acquainted, the lack of full explanation of status in South Africa and the ability to remain in SA for an extended time without a job. The most recent red flag is changing the goal from marriage to pursuing a K1 visa. What is the foreigner's reason for this?

We do talk on the webcam. A few times his best friend was right beside him so I talked to him too. And Mike wanted to see my family, so I used the cam to show him. He answers all my questions

Mike's reason for pursuing a K-1 instead of a CR-1 was to honor my parents' wishes to meet him before we marry. Before this, he basically followed my lead since I had done the most research about visas. But finally I asked him for his opinion and went with it

Then how did you connect?

A friend added me to the group

She answered this already upthread: a Nigerian stranger contacted her out of the blue on Facebook expressing interest in her, and when she wasn't interested, he suggested that she might be interested in his friend instead. The Facebook group sounds like it came along after the fact.

The "stranger" was an american

Once all is said and done--the K-1 is approved and Mike arrives here, we are going to take maybe a month and just date. And go to premarital counseling. In fact, my pastor may insist we do so before he would agree to officiate.

It is quite obvious that you only want to hear what you want to hear instead of the truth.

And that's fine.

Good luck and best wishes on your journey.

And the truth is....?

Ah, my ability to support him.

I'm currently taking a class that will prepare me to take a Pharmacy Technician Certification test. I should be taking the test in July, but I'm looking for a job in that capacity now. There are a lot of pharmacies nearby. Starting wage seems to always be $9-10 an hour. Full time work should put me above the 125% poverty mark for two people. I know I'll need to keep my pay stubs and include a letter from my boss.

No one has suggested him coming to the US, is that an option? Since the plan is for him to come to live it seems that he should travel here?????

GOOD QUESTION!! Yes I've looked into that option. Problem is, immigration officials don't like to give tourist visas to Nigerians because of fraud. Mike doesn't have strong enough ties to Nigeria to prove that he has good reason to return home. I mean, yeah Mike and I know we wont commit immigration fraud by changing status while he was here, but they don't know that, and they can't take our word for it. I and my parents like this option best, and Mike is more than willing to do it, but it's just not feasible.

How I met Mike... I'd gotten a "hey I like your profile, can we talk and see what happens? " facebook message from some guy. Well that wasn't ever going to work out. He asked me if I'd consider one of his facebook friends--Mike. I friended Mike,, asked questions, and decided to give him a chance.

He never asked me for money. Ever.

He had to be a Christian, an independent Baptist, and called to be a missionary, else I wouldn't even consider him. He checked out.

From the beginning, he wanted my parents to be involved. A few days ago he asked to talk to my mother about our meeting and the possibility of is getting married. It was completely his idea to talk to her

He never rushed me to make decisions. I'd tried several times to plan a trip for me to meet him, him to meet me, him to work here, him to attend college here. Whenever those plans failed, he never got angry with me.

He is the same person now as he was in July. No inconsistencies in what he tells me about himself.

Why would he leave everything--family, occupation --behind for me? First, he had no occupation. He had jobs before, but had lately been unable to get an honest job. It is very difficult to get a job in Nigeria, especially if you want to hold to your morals. This is why he moved to South Africa, so he could at least have a chance of getting an honest job. He could have stayed in Nigeria and let his mom support him, and just wait for me to make things all better. But no. He had to get out of there and do something. And family is not enough to keep him there. And he's not "giving up" his family for me. I let him know that I wanted him to keep in contact with him, I wanted us to visit his side of the family as often as possible.

My parents don't want me to travel alone. They def didn't want me to fly to Nigeria alone, or even with my mother. But I'm not flying to Nigeria, I'm flying to south Africa. And my mother will be coming with me. Then Mike and I will fly up to Nigeria to meet his mom. She really wants to meet me.

I have kept my parents in the loop from the first day. I talked about everything, positive and negative. At first they just figured they'd let this relationship run its course. Then they understood how serious it is. But they like what they I've told them, mom's talked to him some. A few weeks ago they hired a private investigator.

I know visiting him multiple times during the visa process will help, and I will do so. I want to do so.

And about me not knowing exactly which visa Mike used to get to SA, I didn't figure I absolutely needed to know. And I'm not sure he'd know how to tell me which visa he used; his English skills are not excellent. All I know is, he's allowed to stay there for the time being, but he's not allowed to work yet.

I don't know what one person's experience was with a certain facebook group. The one I'm a member of is American Women Married or Dating Nigerian Men. None of them has tried to get unsuspecting American girls to marry their Nigerian friends. It's a closed group. There are no nigerians or men in it, hence the name. They have been a great help by helping me understand my fiance better. I know a little more what to expect.

I noticed someone had wondered why my parents would let me make a poor decision. I ask you, how do you know this is a poor decision? How can you judge my situation when you know next to nothing about it?

Young and naive can work out okay. But...what relationship? Someone you have never met is not worth "work[ing] harder than usual" (and what is "usual" at age 20?).

Believe it or not, a long distance never-met-him-before relationship IS STILL a relationship.

The Catch 22 in all this is that if you don't spend significant time together in person, that makes your evidence of bona fide relationship pretty slim. If YOUR concern is for the parents to meet your fiancee before marriage, a failed K1 process won't accomplish that. Your chances of obtaining a visa for him are far greater if you live together for some significant time. If for you, that means marriage first, then great.

Why does HE want to take the K1 route?

For your residence together to be in SA instead of Nigeria, (big difference) obviously, you will BOTH need the appropriate visas.

He wants the K-1 to honor my parents' wish to meet him before marrying. And I'm hoping my mother will be coming with me when I visit him.

Is he a legal resident of South Africa?

As in, the South African equivalent of a permanent resident? I don't think so.

Okay don't be offended, but...

You're going to another country to marry a guy you haven't met yet. Do you see where this can go wrong?

A K-1 visa requires that you've met IN PERSON within the last two years. So unless you fly out there to meet him it's a no go right now (maybe I've missed something but from my understanding, you haven't met in person yet?).

Have you ever lived abroad? Because I moved abroad in part to be with my husband, and I had already lived abroad in other countries, but spending a long time here has been one the most challenging things I've ever done. So think long and hard before moving to South Africa or Nigeria. It won't be easy. And no matter how much you research; it'll still be harder once you're there.

Also, Lagos is perhaps the most difficult embassy in the world. Do you see the comments on this thread? A consular officer will be MUCH MORE DIFFICULT to you and your fiance. This kind of "we've never met before and will marry when we meet" thing would be difficult in an easy consulate, in Nigeria, I don't even know. Please think this through, meet first, maybe even more than once, gather up evidence, then apply. If you apply now it'll be very difficult.

Ok I just said we are going to go for the K-1 visa, which means we won't be getting married during my trip. I will file the petition of the K-1 after my trip. So yeah, i would have met him within the last two years by the time I file. And I just said in my last post, since we are going for the K-1, I will not be living with him. I won't live with him if I'm not married to him. Kindly read my post before replying.

I have friends on facebook, ladies who married or are dating Nigerian men. They've been a big help already; I understand the culture a little better.

When I thought I might be staying with Mike, I started checking out visas for SA. But now that we decided to go for the K-1, I will not be living with him. Right now Mike is in SA on a visitor visa I think. He needs to get a work permit.

I know about the meds. I will get those taken care of. And the Nigeria visitor visa. I'm waiting for an insurance settlement that I'm using to pay for my trip.

I met Mike on facebook last July. My parents approve of him. I do need to talk to them about cosponsorship.

I've been thinking long and hard about this. As for the concern about how I have everything planned out... how could I not? I like to plan things to the detail. And I think it helps me be more prepared for what will happen. This is only tentative. (Case in point --talking to Mike right now about which visa to go for... plans may change)

And I know things are going to be difficult. The rest of my lfe is not going to be easy. Mike and I will both be dealing with major changes.

Hmm up until now Mike had let me decide which path to take. Bu during our current conversation, I asked him what he wanted. He wants to go for the K-1 visa, since my parents really wanted to meet him before we marry. And now that I think about it, that sounds like a good idea.

I'll be reading through posts on this site to learn all I can. Thanks for the quick answers

Hello. I'm Sarah, I live in Virginia, United States. I'm 20, currently live with my parents, and am unemployed.

My boyfriend, Mike, is from Lagos, Nigeria, but he currently lives in Pretoria, South Africa. He's 26, and he's working on getting his work permit.

We have been dating online for 10 months now, and we're planning to meet for the first time in August, in SA, then fly up to Nigeria to get married. After we get married, I will file for a CR-1. I wanted then to live with Mike in SA until the visa goes through. How will my living abroad change things? Am I better off just spending a few months with my husband so I can come home and set things up here?

Ok now, some proof I've thought things through:

I checked out travelers' insurance. "MAGELLAN". The best package covers medical expenses, emergencies, return plane fare for a family member to visit if you're in the hospital, emergency repatriation, document translation ... it looks like a really good deal. I'll go over it with my dad to see what he thinks.

Living together would be good proof of the legitimacy of our relationship. He could add my name to his bank account. And when I got back to the States, I could add his name to my bank account. Then rent an apartment. (Living with my parents after I'm married wouldn't look good to immigration there's no room in the house for one more person)

Well maybe I just answered my own question... but I'm posting this anyway, in case someone has some advice to share.