True Brit

Rebecca Jo what an extremely well-written and thought out reply (above)! Lots of food for thought! What do others think?

Well, my husband has been here almost 8 years. Will this count?

He had just turned 42 when he arrived.

He has never had days where he longs for the UK. But - he is from Northern Ireland and lived through the Troubles. So he was keen to get away from all that.

From day one though he maintains certain "connections" to his old country. He takes all his news from the BBC online. He watches any British telly he can find. I put away the coffee pot when he got here and we keep a kettle and pot going.

He hates US politics - he leaves the room if I have any of it on.

He frequently walks to the "wrong" side of the car.

He misses the NHS. A lot.

He wants to go home, but not sure where. He'd like to take his US job with him. Not because of the money because - well he doesn't earn a lot. But he likes the job.

He's a very simple man. He sort of deals with things, wherever he is, at that moment in time. He knows he has the curse of the expat. But he doesn't let it bother him.

Bless him! So is the 'curse of the expat' that we never feel at completely at home anywhere any more???

I know one lovely Scottish lass who lives near me and who has been here 21 years, who feels just exactly that. Like your husband, she wants to return 'home' but that doesn't seem to be Scotland anymore - she dreams of places like Cornwall or Devon for reasons that even she doesn't understand! She has children who have grown up here and likens herself to the image of Gulliver, tied down by the little people, and fears she will be kept here forever because her husband and children are so happy in the States.

I, like your husband, also watch any British tv I can, bemoan the lack of a good NHS, try to find British news/food etc etc just as you describe. But I can't help wondering how healthy that is, really. Shouldn't we be immersing ourselves in all things American (including the politics) in order to really integrate?

And, here's the last, slightly gloomy, scary thought - we have come here to be with the one(s) we love - is the price of that to live forever a 'half life'? One foot in this country and the other, along with our heart, in our home country?

I'm really glad to have found this thread, I'm British and in my twenties and planning to move to Mass. next year to be with the love of my life. I've been worried about fitting in, driving, culture shock etc so this thread has been really informative. Thanks everyone :-)

Hi Holly! Well from where I am standing you seem to have everything you need to be totally fine here. Firstly you are in your twenties (you lucky, lucky thing!!!), secondly you are going to be with the love of your life and thirdly it sounds as though Mass is lovely (according to Scotinmass!). You will probably find the driving easy at your age - I didn't learn until I was 34 and got my first car at 35! The very, very best of luck and as you have seen, there are so many kind people willing to give of their time and knowledge on this site that you really cannot go wrong :thumbs:

I have been here over 20 years and counting.

The first few years I was miserable and wanted to go back home. Now 20 years later I am glad I did not. This is my home now.

Thank you so much for your post. Do you mind my asking, how many years did you want to go back? Did you move here when you were in your twenties or older than that? Sorry, I sound as if I am conducting some sort of survey but I really am interested to hear different experiences.

Hey Mark - now I am REALLY jealous!

Thank you! Can anyone reading this who has been in the States for more than, say 10 years, tell us if the homesickness ever goes away completely?

Trudi! Im sorry you are still feeling so attached to the UK. I have the odd moment when i see something British and i have to go and buy it! Aero chocolate and smarties yesterday! I went to a reservation for lunch and we get gas and cigarettes (for my husband) tax free once every couple of weeks and i actually took a quick scan around the store for once and found them! They are actually from Canada so as soon as i can drive, im going across to Canada! I promise that when i do, i will get as many "British" Canadian favourites that i can find and mail them to you!!

Awww thanks Holly!

Duhhhhh - Oh dear I have mixed up my posts somehow. Anyway one reply was to Harpa Timsah about the washing situation (!) and the other to Scotinmass about Portree! Sorry folks.

You can hang your laundry out to dry. Why not? The house I grew up in had an antique laundry line on a pole in the yard and we used it all the time.

Goodness that sounds so normal! In this State, absolutely no one does it. In fact I think it might even not be allowed - or at least that's what my husband told me and I haven't seen anyone else do it at all. When I told a neighbour I was going to put my laundry on drying racks in the conservatory (or Florida room as they seem to say here) she was horrified and said 'Now see we don't do that here - we just put it straight in the dryer'. Well sorry and all that, but mine IS going in the conservatory - it's a matter of conservation and principle!! :-)

[We have just booked a flight to go back in April and we are going to stay for 3 nights in a rental cottage just outside Portree. When we got married there we said we'd go back every year but we've not been back once. We're gonna spend some time with my son then go to Skye. If the rest of the family want to see us they know where we live. Planes fly both directions!

I love Boston. I've explored so much of it on foot that I'm now an accomplished tour guide.

How lovely for you! Give my love to Portree. April is one of the nicest times - you can get lovely weather (CAN I hasten to add!) and the midges haven't come out yet!!

I think I would love a place I could explore on foot too. Boston looks lovely.

I loved your post above so thanks for that! My husband went misty-eyed at your photo too because he used to go to MIT and knows exactly where it was taken (or so he says!)

I can't believe you felt strange when you returned to Scotland for Christmas! I mean they do sensible things like putting out their washing when its dry and bringing it in five minutes later when it starts to rain - such an absorbing activity and such a great conversation piece too. I can remember, in Skye, people would wax lyrical about a windy day and say 'aye it's a great day for the washing'!! They wouldn't dream of using a tumble drier or anything so wasteful! I absolutely loved living in Scotland because I felt so at home with the people, their views and their way of life.

I wonder if I will ever be like you and 'turn American'? Honestly I absolutely can't imagine it but watch this space!

We have an abundance of sidewalks. I used to walk everywhere. When I first arrived I had a month before I found a job and a few times I walked to meet my wife for lunch at her work 8 miles away. I enjoyed it. The weather was perfect and I got to see and experience so much more of the place that I would have missed in a car. I did feel that I stood out a bit because nobody else was walking. My wife told me that when people see an adult walking they assume they are either a homeless person or someone that had a DUI and lost their license!

At first simple things like crossing a busy road used to intimidate me. I felt very much like the stranger in a strange land and everyone else belonged and I was an imposter. When I went into a shop on my own I felt awkward and paranoid. Was everyone watching me and looking down on me because I spoke funny.

These feelings gradually go away. Eventually it becomes home and normal. You realize that there are millions of immigrants just like me. Most don't have English as a first language and they survive. You also realize that Americans aren't some weird wonderful creatures from another galaxy. They are people just like me and just like the ones I lived comfortably with at home.

I used to have the "wow I'm in America" unreality kind of thought every 5 mins. I rarely think like that now. It's just home and it's just my everyday normal life.

My wife and I went to Scotland for Christmas and being there is starting to feel strange. I was happy to leave and happy to get back home.

I guess I'm turning American!

My date of moving out is rapidly approaching, 10th March. It's still great to read all these comments. As much as I love the States, and it sounds I may have an advantage over some having been there loads of times over the alast 12 years, I know I'm gonna have some strange feelings when I move out. It's good to see that these feelings will be completely natural.

I was speaking to a mate on Facebook the other day who emigrated to Canada 5 or so years ago. His words to me, when you first arrive, it's a head ****. I guess you've just gotta get out there and get on with it.

Hey Mark the typing is going much better!

10th March still seems ages away to me. I just go day to day here now and measure each day here as successful if I have managed to get through it without being a total misery or unfavourably comparing the States to the UK out loud to my long-suffering husband! But I remember how the time galloped by in the UK once I had had my interview and knew I was coming here.

I so agree with your friend who said emigrating was a head **** - to me it totally is and we do it to ourselves! Oh well (sighhhh) maybe in a few years I will have become this incredibly well-rounded person from being out of my comfort zone and won't feel like crying like a pathetic twit when I come across a forgotten UK postage stamp in my purse!!

I am sorry you are having a hard time adjusting to the states. The money is a pain since all the bills are the same size and colour, but hopefully it will come to you. Maybe your husband can take you out and about on his days off and look into bus routes or local areas you can go shopping. If you get a call to go account thru skype you can call the UK unlimited for $6.99 a month so that may help too. I hope things get better and easier for you. I have lived in the US for 23 years now and I am used to it now but it took a while, so I know where you are coming from. I recently married my first love from the Uk and he is waiting to come over when we get our paperwork all done, so I hope he likes it when he moves over permanently. Good luck and hang in there.

Thanks for your post - yours is an interesting story! Sadly there are no local buses here and no way to get to shops etc unless you drive which is something I have only just started to do. I was walking quite a lot until the recent bad weather and weathered the incredulous stares from motorists who either passed me within 6 inches or made an exaggerated swerve to the other side of the road when they saw me! I do hope your first love from the UK enjoys it when he gets here - at least you will be understanding having gone through the same thing yourself!

A lot of what you're experiencing is normal. I bet you thought that coming from the UK, it would be much less a culture shock than if you'd come from China. Nope. Your comment about feeling like you've landed on the moon is a great one. Didn't Churchill say that the British and Americans are one people separated by a common language?

I've been here six years now and I do remember things being so completely different that I had to rely on my wife to guide me through a lot of day-to-day stuff. I got a job about a month after we got married and put a down payment on a car with some of the savings I'd brought over. It was then that I started to become less dependent on my wife for the simplest of things. I had my job, made my own friends, got to know how to make my way around.

It is a big culture shock (my wife understood that more when we made our first back to the UK - she felt the same as I did when I first moved here). But, ultimately, it's the same as everywhere else, just done slightly differently. You go to work to play the bills, you live for the weekends, you make friends, you travel, etc.

Having a British accent will help you more than you'd think, oddly...

Yes, I can see what you mean about it all feeling the same eventually in terms of living an everyday life and though I can't even imagine it at the moment, so many people have said similar things that I know it must be true. I have found the Americans I have met to be very friendly and, just as you mention about the accent thing, keen to make conversation just to hear me talk!! One elderly lady said I sounded just like Julie Andrews!!! (Kill me now .......)

I just wonder if it makes a difference how old you are when you make the move. I spent three years in Paris when I was 20 and felt completely different about everything then. I can remember literally skipping through the metro feeling so free and alive (though after three years I 'knew' it was time to come 'home'). Now, to be honest, I feel secretly grumpy and resentful about having to learn everything new and always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and out of place. I still hate most of American tv (apart from Homeland and American Horror Story of course) and watch lots of UK soaps and stuff on Youtube and through using 'Hide My IP' sites - as recommended by my VJ pals. If I pretend to myself to be on holiday its much easier somehow - I can enjoy the experience of eating in diners and having calorie-loaded, peanut butter and ice cream shakes - mmmmmm! But I just can't help feeling that I will never really understand the American way of life and make the break from the UK in my head. I mean - not hanging your washing outside - what's that all about???!!! :-)

I actually plucked up the courage to walk along the main roads (no sidewalks of course) to reach the County Library (a distance of two miles each way from the house) which I was desperate to join for books and dvds etc. It was scary, I have to admit, on some of the roads and I did get some funny looks from motorists as I stumbled along the lawns belonging to the 'posh people' which was the only place to walk at times but I did it and actually managed to reach the library and actually join! I had a bad moment coming back when I attempted to walk through a drive-in ATM to draw out some money (the only ATM I could find). I felt such an idiot frantically trying to work out which way to put the card in etc whilst looking anxiously round for cars! The 4 mile round trip was nothing compared to what I was used to walking in the UK, but people just do not expect pedestrians and seem to head straight for you and swerve at the last minute which is a bit disconcerting. Anyway, I got back to the house (note I don't say 'home') to find my sister in law had posted this video on my facebook page. I laughed and laughed my head off and so I would like to share it with my VJ friends in the hope that it cheers anyone up who feels a bit down at the moment. The humour is very 'British' so I apologise to those who find it completely incomprehensible!

Hi Snapdragon-nice to hear from you. Sorry things aren't working out too well on the jobs front at the moment. I can totally understand your feeling resentful after giving up a good job to come here. Hope things improve in the very near future. I know the Cuillin Hills Hotel very well. I used to have a small tourist business on Skye and lived there for 14 years. I was put in touch with a Scottish girl yesterday who has been here for 21 years. Her husband is American and they were living in London when he was offered a great job opportunity in the States and they moved here when she was pregnant. She says she felt angry for the first ten years!!!! Now she says she is happy 60% of the time, which is as much as anyone could hope for, I guess. Thanks to VJ friends, I now know to watch my soaps on Youtube and I joined a 'hide your ip' site so I got to watch the Royle Family Christmas Special and Paul O'Grady at Battersea Dogs Home!! Simple pleasures huh? Still feel isolated - still feel scared - still feel homesick - still feel dependent and not in control of my own life anymore but I'm working on it and only time will tell if I can make it work. Hugs to all the other VJers still struggling with their new lives.

This is an awesome thread. Lots of great advice and views. I start my new life in Monterey CA in 3 months. As much as I'm looking forward to it, I'm also nervous as hell. Despite absolutely living the US, especially California, I know I'll have bouts of home sickness, and I'm not looking forward to them at all. Like others here, I'm giving up a well payed responsible job to basically be reliant on so done else for the near future. Try and stay busy seems to be the advice.

Mark! Good to hear from you again - I smiled when I read your post and thought 'here's our Mark typing with his mittens on again!!!'. Seriously though, half the battle for you is won, I think, because you say you absolutely love the US (well actually you don't say that due to the mittens but I think that's what you mean!)whereas I really couldn't say that. In fact, I absolutely loved the UK and only came here to be with my husband. I remember before I came here that instead of packing up the house whilst waiting for my visa interview, I only felt like lying on the settee watching soaps and I had to actually force myself to get on with it. That was my clue, I think, that my subconscious was telling me that I really didn't want this change at this stage of my life. Ahhhh well, as I have said before, the things we do for love!

Hello everyone, I'm late to this party but just wanted to chime in after reading (most of) this thread:

1. Homesickness and culture shock is a ######, and will creep up on you unexpectedly. Every time something frustrating happens to me I think "I wish I was back home" - it's my go to gripe and I know that's a bad habit that's getting hard to shake off.

2. Brits, it's worth shelling out $50 for Tunnel Bear (IP proxy), especially when your spouse gets into British Bake Off.

3. I lived in Scotland most of my life and traveled to Portree plenty of times for work. Once got a really good deal on the Cuillin Hills hotel when it was out of season

4. Settling in takes far longer than I could have expected, I've been here 6 months and I'm still learning to go with the flow.

5. Blogging does help, and if others have expat blogs I'd love to read them (mine is linked in the bottom of my post there).

6. Venting here helps, and I always forget that! Glad to be back.

I'm just frustrated right now because I've been here six months and money is tight, I can't find decent work (I left a good job to move here and admit I sometimes feel resentful), I have no healthcare, local drivers scare the bejeesus out of me (I live in PA and the driving habits are terrible!), and I'm actually ashamed to say that I haven't kept in regular contact with my friends back home because I don't want to admit how tough I'm finding it in the USA. I want to make it work here in the USA but just miss the UK so much more than I thought I would.

Merry, merry Christmas to all my VJ friends who have posted on here - I appreciate your time, effort and support! We might be feeling a little bit homesick tonight spending Christmas without family and loved ones left in the UK but at least we have each other! Your replies have been so touching and I have loved reading them all. I hope today is truly lovely for you and that the New Year will bring us all happiness and contentment in our new lives. God bless you all! xx

What a lovely post! It is so nice of you to write and I particularly appreciate your saying that you know how I feel. My husband is completely baffled by my reactions - he thinks I am the luckiest woman in the world to be in America in a nice house!! I have better days than others now - some people have been so kind both on here and when I have met them socially. But it is just as you say, being older and having built up a life over many years in the UK, you do grieve for all you have left behind and your (at least initial)loss of confidence and independence. When I think back to all the effort and stress of preparing the paperwork to get here, waiting for the various letters to arrive, the anticipation of the interview etc, I see all the other people who are currently going through the same thing and can't help thinking 'be careful what you wish for.........'

That's lovely - I wish you the very best of luck for the future in finding great jobs and having a wonderful life xx

Thanks . I really hope I'm just doing my typical worrying about everything, but it's hard not to. And I do try to remind myself daily - I had to buy a mug that I keep on my desk! Anyway, you hang in there, too - maybe you can come out this way to visit and wander around together .

Wouldn't that be lovely?

YES! There's someone who posts the day's episodes of all of those on YouTube! My husband and I watch EE regularly and he's getting me up to speed on Corrie. Here's the YouTube channel we follow: http://www.youtube.com/user/UNDERAKRANGE

We have a Roku box with a Plex Media Server, so we can watch the programs from YouTube on the TV.

I cant tell you how happy I am to have discovered this youtube thing now - I watched three episodes of 'Corrie' this morning at 7am!! Sadly I have no idea what a Roku box with a plex media server is and I don't understand what the term 'streaming' means either (mentioned by somebody else on here). But I will keep plodding on looking up these terms on the internet and trying to find out!!

Thank you so much.

I have to say, I've been worrying about this a lot. My husband gets here next week, and every time I try to talk to him about it and try to prepare him for some of the changes, he just tells me not to worry about it and he'll be fine. I know it'll be a while before he can drive (where we are at requires a copy of the SSN card to apply even for a driver's permit), so I moved to an apartment within spitting distance of the train/bus station so he has a way to get around now and we can both get around when we need to share the car (a second car just isn't in the budget). The city I am in walkable, and I tried to make sure we were nearby to anything we could need (grocery, pharmacy, dog park). It's a little frustrating for me because I know he's stressed about moving here but he won't talk to me about it and it sometimes feels like he's sticking his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away (kind of like what he did with the immigration paperwork - as in, I did it all).

However, I also have my final paper for my graduate course, and I have to worry about that, too. I need to stop stressing about what might happen when he gets here, and wait until the proverbial doo-doo hits the fan. I just hope that once he's here, he and I both can quickly settle into things. And I thought all the I130 and NVC stuff was worrisome.

onestly, I think you will be fine. If your husband can walk to the shops, buy himself things he needs and explore his surroundings by either train or bus I think he will be absolutely fine. Us Brits are resourceful so and so's really, and it's only those of us who are completely marooned and utterly dependent on our other halves when we get to the States that struggle so much, it seems to me. Truly, had I been able to get around by myself and learn about the money and shops etc by experience I think I would have been fine too - maybe a little homesick but basically fine. The 'head in the sand' attitude is the typical British 'stiff upper lip' syndrome that you are seeing here I am afraid. We are all brought up not to share our feelings incase we seem to be complaining or moaning! Your husband is probably trying to look after you by pretending not to be stressed so that you don't get worried - which of course has the opposite effect!! Please try not to worry - I think you will be pleasantly surprised. My situation is not at all like yours and can't be compared - I live in a beautiful neighbourhood, miles from anywhere, that seems to be completely deserted all the time. I have even though of holding a couple of seances to get in touch with the living!!!! So my thoughts to you? 'Keep Calm and Carry On' !!! :rofl:

Lots of luck for the future (but I don't think you will need to much of it). xx

I have to say, I've been worrying about this a lot. My husband gets here next week, and every time I try to talk to him about it and try to prepare him for some of the changes, he just tells me not to worry about it and he'll be fine. I know it'll be a while before he can drive (where we are at requires a copy of the SSN card to apply even for a driver's permit), so I moved to an apartment within spitting distance of the train/bus station so he has a way to get around now and we can both get around when we need to share the car (a second car just isn't in the budget). The city I am in walkable, and I tried to make sure we were nearby to anything we could need (grocery, pharmacy, dog park). It's a little frustrating for me because I know he's stressed about moving here but he won't talk to me about it and it sometimes feels like he's sticking his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away (kind of like what he did with the immigration paperwork - as in, I did it all).

However, I also have my final paper for my graduate course, and I have to worry about that, too. I need to stop stressing about what might happen when he gets here, and wait until the proverbial doo-doo hits the fan. I just hope that once he's here, he and I both can quickly settle into things. And I thought all the I130 and NVC stuff was worrisome.

Honestly, I think you will be fine. If your husband can walk to the shops, buy himself things he needs and explore his surroundings by either train or bus I think he will be absolutely fine. Us Brits are resourceful so and so's really, and it's only those of us who are completely marooned and utterly dependent on our other halves when we get to the States that struggle so much, it seems to me. Truly, had I been able to get around by myself and learn about the money and shops etc by experience I think I would have been fine too - maybe a little homesick but basically fine. The 'head in the sand' attitude is the typical British 'stiff upper lip' syndrome that you are seeing here I am afraid. We are all brought up not to share our feelings incase we seem to be complaining or moaning! Your husband is probably trying to look after you by pretending not to be stressed so that you don't get worried - which of course has the opposite effect!! Please try not to worry - I think you will be pleasantly surprised. My situation is not at all like yours and can't be compared - I live in a beautiful neighbourhood, miles from anywhere, that seems to be completely deserted all the time. I have even though of holding a couple of seances to get in touch with the living!!!! So my thoughts to you? 'Keep Calm and Carry On' !!! :rofl:

Lots of luck for the future (but I don't think you will need to much of it). xx

I use a proxy to get both American and British tv shows. I do pay for it, about $10/month, but it is fast and I can watch all the stuff the day after it airs.

Sounds great! Errrrrrr - what is a 'proxy'?

It looks like you can watch eastenders on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=eastenders&oq=eastenders&gs_l=youtube.3..0j0i3j0j0i3l2j0l5.345.54332.0.54547.10.7.0.3.3.0.97.470.7.7.0...0.0...1ac.1.9ISC3WkJxoI

I am watching the new episodes of Peep Show now

OMIGOD I LOVE YOU!!!! Thank you so so much - I would never have known this was possible!! So pleased now!

you can get most of the seasons of Dr who on Netflix

And (dare I ask for fear of scorn being poured on my head ) is there any way to get Coronation Street, Emmerdale Farm or Eastenders in the States? Ok Ok I know they are soaps not exactly mentally stimulating but they have been my security blanket for years!! I have managed to find Homeland and American Horror Story (I love both of these!) on Charter tv.