4theloveofhenry

I just sent you a super long message but it couldnt go through, but the gist of it was I am soo sorry for the loss of your marriage but Jehovah sees all things and he has seen the pain that you and your children have had to go through and he will not forget his faithful ones. You seem like you are handling these devastating conditions stoically so that proves that Jehovah is already blessing you with that peace you need to keep going. You are such an inspiration to me. I pray the kids are doing ok and even though you have moved on from him I pray he too will get a handle on his situation spiritually for his sake. Just hang in there Michelle and know you have a sister in Ohio who is always thinking about you and stopping by VJ to see if you are ok. Girl check that inbox sometimes so I can send you a message from time to time lol.

Agape

Dee

I think your idiot joke was a bit uncalled for. I personally thought skiptex joke was a bit funny. My husband who is Nigerian and I joke all the time regarding the internet scammers as well as things that happen here in America. The last time I went to a Nigerian gathering everyone there was joking about Americans and things that happen in America. Should I have gone off on a rant and called them all idiots? I think everyone in this world is angry enough as it is, cool down and learn how to laugh,even at yourself

AWWWW Congrats!!!! I am happy for you guys and he is so handsome. What a happy ending/beginning to your visa journey.

Great !!!! Congradulations!

I have not had time to stop by until now but i wanted to drop a quick note to everyone and say thank you so much for your comments of support and encouragement whether on the board or in private message. I am really greatfull. I hope and pray everyone is doing well in their journey whether it is just beginning or you have been at it for many years. I pray everone has success.

To Zee Bee I look foward to your successfull delivery as well. I know you must be very excited. Thanks again to everyone!

Off topic but I wanted to share with my VJ Family the birth of our son Daniel Ugochukwu. He was born Tuesday at 3:15. I just came home this evening after experiancing some serious complications but thanks to Jehovah God our son was entirely healthy and he helped me make it through a rough 6 days.I am now able to recover at home with my family and we are so excited about our new edition.

Here is a picture of our little coconut.

http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/hospitals/healthalliance/babypage.asp?urlid=7605374311

I hope everyone is doing great and I pray that you all are also experiancing new joys with your families everyday.

MAO I have been praying for you in every single prayer and I am soo happy to see this turn around in things. I am most happy to see your husband show this outpouring of love and honesty to you. I know it took this horrible situation to bring out the open and honest communication but I am soo glad it has begun for you guys. The healing can finally start to begin.

I also loved how your husband said he loved you for the spiritual minded woman you are and the good mother you are. I thought that was so beautiful becuase that is the best foundation for love. Think of the three fold cord. I love it!

I believe that things will look up from here, especially becuase your husband has taken the proper steps. Seeing the elders first, then second going over to apologize to the woman and her family was very important. I know it may have appeared bad and have hurt you to see it, it was very beneficial becuase remember how the isrealites were told if they did somthing to another man, after they had confessed their wrongdoing more was needed before the sinner could be forgiven. Righting the wrong against the victim was also necessary to gain forgiveness from Jehovah. So your husband is actually doing somthing that will help him get forgiveness from Jehovah and with forgiveness come future blessings that will also extend to your family.

I am sooo happy! I feel like Mrs Klumps. Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!! I am just so thrilled you guys will work it out.Your story will certainly be one to show others the value of honesty, forgiveness, and love. I love it!

I love Nigerian food and will eat just about anything except the "salad" with the goat intestines and anything out of a goat head lol. But I too got sick off of the roadside food there and had an extremely embarressing bus ride from Lagos to Aba. I wont go into details becuase I dont want to make anyone sick on VJ.

DCF from Nigeria is very hard. Not only becuase of the 6 month residential requirement but once you are married it takes a lot of connections and bribe money to get your visa changed/extended. I was planning to DCF with my husband while there in 2006 but after the headache of going in circles and spending a lot of bribe money to get my status changed and yet no progress after 3 months, we decided to scrap that idea and go the K-3 route.

Well to make a long story short, through a seperation and reconiliation my husband ended up getting his CR-1-IR-1(the ten year visa)Anyway I knew my hhusband for almost 2 years before we married and we did not marry unril my second visit with him in Naija, the first was in Korea. I do not know your situation either but if this will be your first time meeting I would suggest the K-1.

Livingmin Naija as a foreigner is not easy in the beginning. There are a lot of culteral and physical adjustments that have to be made and it will be a bit of a physical shock how basic things there may not be as easily accessablke as they are here. If you will be in Lagos, Abuja, or Port Harcourt then you may not have as hard of an adjustment as say I did,who lived in a smaller city called Aba.

The prior three I mentioned are very westernized and you wont see much differance than what you see in the US, however in a smaller city and dependant on your fiance's income you may not have things like running water, public restrooms,well ones you would want to use anyway. The electricity is the same throughout and you will go some times a week or more without power. I hope you like Nigerian food becuase depending on the city you are in, there may not be much to choose from as far as food you are acustomed to. Not that we have real food here lol but it is still the food we are used to. Depending on the city you live in, there may not be much to choose from as far as recreation, like parks, movie theaters, swimming pools or beaches, nightlife(if thats what your into to, Im not)ect.. you get the drift.

Anyway I am not knocking Naija, that is my husbands home and now my second home. I loved being there after the initial shock wore off. That is why I am telling you all these things. Not to scare you away but to prepare you if you do decide to DCF. It is a shock for anyone moving to a new country once the arrive. Anyway if you have any questions feel free too ask.

By the way a little side note, if you do find a market that sells foreign products be prepared to shell out the money. I found a small asian owned market in Aba that some American products and when I bought a box of frosted flakes I paid the equivilant of $12. Just read up and ask questions and be prepared if you decide to make the move.

but do you have an opinion sam? LOLOL Knowing mao and her hubby as i do...i know she has done all this u recommended and more and obviously he was a pririority to her or else he woulnt be here...she has sacrificed much for this marriage. And like it or not some do use others in shocking ways to get by in life...not saying that is the complete case here cause i belive my bro loves my friend if u knew her yd love her too. shes a great person...yeah shes a habenero sometimes but he aint a walk in the park either to say the least. many peeps have trouble in marriage. bible guarantees it will happen...but that doesnt mean that the innocent mate hasnt fulfilled their role. sometimes people just do stupid things and some people continue to do stupid things over and over again. She married him with a clear view of her vows and has not broken them up till now...but there are two way that Jesus is very clear on when it comes to the allowance of dissolution of marriage. barring the death of her husband (at the hands of her friend efia flying up there to do a drive by on him LOLOL kidding :/)....she is still free to leave OR free to stay with no spiritual guilt on her part because of the infidelity. thank you for the spirit in which you give the advice....but having done all that before this...what does she do now? what if the love she has was based on a lie? shall she go back and rememinsce on a lie to find out why she fell in love with him? what a bitter pill.the only reason this woman is suffering is because she is a Christian. A Christian trying to do the right thing but struggling with anger and hurt. If this marriage does survive it will be only because he repents and turns into the man he represented himself to be. First to God then to her.

I just wanted to say I can hear the pain in your words for your friend. You are a really good friend and it reminds me of the scripture( I had to search for it) at 1 Corinthians 12:25,26- so that there should be no division in the body but that its members should have the same care for one another26-And if one member suffers, all the other members suffer with it, or if a member is glorified, all the other members rejoice with it.

Your example is very faith strengthening.It shows me some improvements and adjustments I can make within myself and it makes me feel proud of the organization we are a part of.

I'll try to give some hints as to why some men do what they do later to today. Only if MAO36 and efiaodo are still interested...lol

I want to know too. Sorry MAO I am hijacking your thread, but I really want to know. Please share with the rest of us.

SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are indeed amazing. You have made someone a very lucky woman!. Wow! I am very guilty of not doing at least 90% of those things. It has been all about the children but I had to be there for them as they adjusted to their new stepdad. It has been the kids and me for so long, I found it hard to love a man the way I love my kids but I understand where you're coming from.

Date night!!! I often thought about that but was always too tired after working so hard and then cooking dinner, whenever I did cook.

Using the word divorce! Hmmmm, I mostly just advise him to get out, which is what he always said he hated the most. He would say, why do you always want to throw me out on the street.

Plan a trip without the kids. Yeah, this is good also, we took 2 trips without the kids within the last 3 years and it was amazing. We had SO much fun, laughing and acting crazy. He's african with an American twist to him. lol

Ok, so you are calling my fat????? lol, Really, I'm just kidding! You know looking back at some of my friends who have been married for many, many years. The wives are drop dead gorgeous because they work at it. My dearest friend would often tell me that she had to keep her figure up to par, 1) for her health and 2) to keep the fire burning in the bedroom with her husband. Ok... I'm a SLACKER!!! I am so guilty of not doing this. Hubby keeps asking me why do I eat so much ice cream and then cry about not fitting anything, lol!. Don't get me wrong... I'm big... but attractive I think...but Hubby but has expressed concern over the weight. The funny thing is he has never insulted my verbally about it or looked upon me with disgust. I do need to hit the gym, so again I understand where you are coming from. We do eat togther sometimes. He often makes mine and his food separately because he prefers african soup etc. So he makes it for me and serves me! Now I could get use to that!

NOW SAM, Where is Hubby's list?

MAO I also love SAMS comments, where was he when we needed him early on LOL. Your situation is sooo like mine it is not funny at all. I had two children before my husband and our duaghter was born without him here. When he finally got here she was 3. Girl I made so many mistakes with the kids issue. Everything was the kids. I got mad at him about the way he did with the kids even though he was trying his best. It is true we have to help them adjust but man, if I think about all the mistakes I made in that area. I did cook but when I would get mad I would throw his food in the sink. Oh my ! I was Wifezilla.

Even your husband sounds so much like mine. He is also Naija with an American twist and I love it. We too have a lot of fun together and act crazy. Sometimes he acts crazier than me and embarresses me lol.

Girl I am sooooo roooting for you its crazy . I know the road will be a winding one and it wont all be all right today but I cannot wait to hear the update and hear how wonderful things are going. Then when you get to that point we will have to plan a cruise or small carribean vacation as couples and go have fun. You and your husband sound soo much like my husband and I that I think it would be great fun.

And not only that, when things are going better you will also have not only your husband but also your spiritual brother by your side and there is nothing that can compare to that! Agape sis

Everyone is right MAO, you do not have to worry about telling this man what you need from him in order to trust him again. I did the same thing. I told my husband that I would have a hard time trusting him, that it would take a long time and he should not be suprised if he sees me checking his phone, or driving past his job lol. It may sound crazy but 4 real these men have broken our trust and THEY have to earn it back. I saw in another post that you thought my husband cheated while we were seperated by countries, that is not the case. He cheated twice while here and had not even been here a whole year. BUT and that is a big BUT, I have told you some of the things that I did, like the abusive speech, but I also have gone off and thrown his clothes out, slapped him, and saidI wish I had never brought you here. Why do you think I can tell you with ALL sincerity of heart I think this man loves you and you should give him another chance. It is becuase when I say I have been in your shoes, I have been in your shoes. I feel like this is a wonderful time to sit down and truly talk about your marriage and what has gone wrong on both ends and truly work hard to make the needed changes TOGETHER. Girl if I had known then what I know now it could have saved me a whole agonizing year.

I feel you on the black woman thing. That was my mistake. Plus not honouring my husband at all. You know we sometimes think having a hot plate and a warm bed will satisfy our men but then we are ready to throw that same plate in their face or put them down for they way they washed the plate or made the bed. We can nag and complain and be controlling but what we are really trying to control is our own insecurity of being hurt. Its a hard cycle to break but we must follow Jehovahs principles of honouring our husbands if we want to not only please Jehovah but also have a happy marriage. Our husbands also must do their part but the reason I talk to us ladies more is becuase we have a bad habit. And here is that bad habit....

We always think it is our husbands job to be a perfect husband. Have no flaws, ALWAYS be considerate of our feeling, ALWAYS think to buy us the nice gifts, NEVER forget an anniversary, ALWAYS be a perfect man mom and know exactly the right way to raise our children, ALWAYS have the sense to never make the wrong decision for the family. ALWAYS BE PERFECT and when they are not MR PERFECT to us we have our girlfriends with their advice. GIRL LEAVE HIM, GIRL HE A DOG, GIRL THATS A TRIP, GIRL HE JUST USING YOU, GIRL HE IS STUPID, GIRL YOU CAN FIND YOU SOMEONE BETTER, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL. But the truth is we want people to overlook our imperfections and mistakes but we dont do the same for our husbands. And then we have our girlfriends, well meaning friends, that tell us to walk away and dont be a fool, while they make the same mistakes in their own relationships. My husband once told me, "when you leave and walk away where are these same friends going to be when you are alone?" Yes they can call and say "we did the right thing" and "dont let no man play you" but truly where will they be when we have to clean up the pieces of our broken marriages? They mean well, I have meant well when i have said that to my girlfriends, but we have to realize that no human is perfect. Satan preys on the one at their weakest point and at the moment it was our husbands but it could have just as easily been you , me, or someone else.

Jehovah told husbands to assign honour to women as the weaker vessel but he also strongly admonished wives to have deep respect for their husbands. A woman clings to love like a man clings to respect. We may love our husbands but if we are saying and doing things to treat him disdain then we are not showing him ANY respect and therer is that scripture I believe is in proverbs about how the tongue can be like a sword.

Yes our husbands cheated but what have we done as well. If they had cheated when things were great then I could say with all my heart "let em go" but under our circumstances I could not say that. I can not with a whole heart look you in the eye and say leave this man. He may have been intrigued about the story becuase "he loves you". I really feel he loves you. We have to ask ourselves, if our husband put us through some of the verbal and maybe physical asualts that we have, what would our girlfriends have told us to do? LEAVE. But we have done that to our husbands and we expect them to take it like men all the while loving us and enduring the pain for love. Men do have hearts too even though we like to think they dont lol. Michelle I always say we becuase I have been with you figurativly. I have been with you, and hearing your story is like replaying mine all over again.

If you can stand it without dying inside, please give this man another chance. Dont let pride, or fear, or hurt stop you from repairing a marriage that I believe can be repaired. I dont think this man used you. I think this man loved you like he did in Naija becuase he could. He was home, he was surrounded by his support group, friends, family, brothers and sister he knew all his life. He had his own money and the ability to show you the man he was. But when he came here he was under someone elses control. Had no money of his own, no dignity, and no support system. When I lived in Naija I withdrew. I was depressed and I can tell you I did not want to do anything. I didnt want to partake in socializing and when I saw fellow Americans I became so excited thats who I wanted to be with. I didnt want to cook, clean, do anything besides talk to my family on the phone. Did I use my husband to get to Naija LOL. I am just trying to bring a smile to your face. But seriously, please give him another chance. Give yourseleves another chance. Really put in place that deep repsect and let him show you the honour that comes with it. Doesnt mean things will be perfect. Doesnt mean he will do everything right. Doesnt mean you will do everything right. But keeping that tongue in check and letting this man run things even if he makes mistakes will bring a happy marriage. Jehovah says it Girl so it must be true. I didnt want to believe it and at first I had to saw my tongue in half with my teeth to shut up and let him run things. Even still I have had times that i have had to deeply apologize for somthing I have said but you know what? it is paying off. My husband is a changing man who actually asks me now what do I want to do. He asks becuase I am not constantly telling him lol. The other day in the store I put two garbage cans in the cart and I was just spending away, but then i stopped and asked myself if this was his money how would I feel, how do i feel when he just goes and buys somthing I think is stupid? I go off. So I stopped and asked him what he thought about me buying them. He said "baby i dont think we need them" when I said ok and put them back he got sooo worried and said "baby, your not mad are you? if you want the cans thats ok, get them" I said no, thats ok and put them back. I am not bragging at ALL, just sharing how making the changes really does benefit the marriage but really benefits us. Its nice when my husband compliments me now. He had stopped and didnt want to be around me but now its getting to be like it was when we first met. He tells me I am his everything now and his life. Michelle your husband will tell you and show you those things again! HE WILL, I HAVE FAITH. Forgive him and allow him to forgive you and you guys will make it. YOU WILL.

Love to my bro and sis, DEE

Mao

I have been keeping up with this thread, and hoping all turn out good. Your post has left me dumpfounded.

In relationship we unconciously keepclose tabs on how well our partners are meeting our emotional needs.I honestly think its time for both of you to analyze your emotional bank accounts( Love Bank).

When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. I think its time MAO critically analyze the situation - think through with both your head and heart and choose a path that best suits you.

If its a path towards forgiveness - Both of you MUST build on INTIMACY, go back the basics of love. You will only obtain that feeling when your spouse has deposited enough love units into his or her account in your Love Bank to trigger that reaction. As you care and protect each other, trust will build again. This path is tough and for trust to build CHANGE in behaviour must occur in both of you.

If you decide to walk away, we would understand because no one deserves the betrayal of infidelity.

I would also like to recommend this books -

1. Total Forgiveness by R.T. kendall
   
2. The 5 love Needs of men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
   

Apart from bible guidance I have read about the love bank and depositing love units. It is a very nice concept that really gives married couples some tools to use to repair and maintain a happy marriage. I hope things will work out for you MAO I am rooting for you wichever way you choose!

Great advice. Id also like to add not coming into a marriage with a me-first attitude. Selfishness is the number one cuase of most relationships ending. Its better to give than to recieve and giving to your partner and making them happy first is the best feeling.

Anyway, no matter what, infedelity is the most cruel and the most selfish act you can do to your marriage mate. It breeds doubt and insecurity and leaves the other person feeling worthless and lacking. No matter how tired and bored you get with your partner each of us must remember we took vows for better and for worse and it is each ones responsibility to work at recovering what was lost. Not just jumping ship and getting on the latest model. What bags you pack you will carry on to the next destination and thinking you will find someone better is foolish unless you become better with the one your with first.

Wow is all I can say. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy situation. I am amazed how God reveals things to us when we are not even looking, but at a time when we are ready to deal with it. There's nothing hidden that won't be revealed. In the end this is your marriage and you have to do what is right for you and your situation. I'm one of those people that are very pro-relationships, but experience has taught me that when someone truly loves and cherishes you their actions will show it. That doesn't mean that they won't make mistakes, but even when a mistake is made you still know that they love you because of their consistent actions [not words]. I have a girlfriend whose husband had some indiscretion with another woman when they were going through some hardships and I told her to work it out with him because I knew this man loved her. Before this incident he had always treated her like gold and stuck with her through some very difficult times when another man would have left her. Yes her husband screwed up, but none of us is perfect. Their marriage is stronger as a result of weathering that storm. What they had going for them was a very strong foundation of love and commitment before this one indiscretion and that is what I based my advice on.

Wow I love this post. Especially the part of God only showing us when he knows we can bare it. Jehovah is a wonderful loving God. Mao we are all here for you and are really feeling your pain. Take heart!

My suggestion to you is to search your heart deeply and ask your self some questions, barring the infidelity how did this man treat you in the past? Is he good to you? Is he respectful? Does he make you feel like you are important? Does he consider your needs? Is he truthful? Is he honest? Can he be counted on? God forbid, if you were to be bedridden and couldn't do for yourself, can you count on him to be there? Is he proud of you, does he support your dreams, etc. Can you trust him with your life? Only you know the answers to questions like these and others that are important to you. A pastor once told me in a relationship consistency is the key. Whatever a person consistently shows you is a good indicator of who he or she is. He also told me that just because someone is a good father, it does not make him a good husband.

Give yourself some time to process all that is happened. You do not have to make any decisions right away. You and your family are in my prayers.

So sorry Mao to hear this. My heart aches for you and the pain you are going through. YOU did not cuase your husbands infedility and never feel that you have cuased it. Remember that Jehovah told the isrealites that each one alone had a choice between life and death. He told them choose me and keep leaving, choose badness and die. We all have that choice and no matter what we each must take responsibility for our own actions.

While you do have a burden to bare becuase of the pain, know that Jehoavah will be there to sustain you. It may feel at times as if your whole world is crashing down and you cannot find Jehovah but rest assured he is there. Whether you are making it to the meetings, able to read and study for a few moments, a kind word from a sister or brother, a special talk or magazine that helps you cope for that moment. Those are the things to look for. Those are the ways you will know Jehovah is there. Your husband on the other hand will have a very serious burden to bare. I know becuase I have been there. That is the burden of not only cuasing his wife to have to cry out to Jehovah but also having lost a good standing with Jehovah.

I asked my son last night does he know why the bible often calls a person who does not listen to whats right a fool? It is becuase they foolishly think they are going to prosper by ignoring jehovah but end up only hurting themseleves.Your husband has allowed himself to be fooled and I not only feel bad for you but also your husband. I hate to see someone go down the wrong path that I personally know will get them nowhere.

You on the other hand my sister WILL have Jehovahs loving hand and support. Also a large group of "friends" that you will be able to count on. You also stated that part of you is ready to leave and part is wanting to stay. I will only offer my advice and it does not mean it is right. But I would say if you can help it dont make any desicions right now. Wait and see what the brothers have to say and also wait to see what will be the outcome on your husband after he has visited the Elders. You may find Jehovah will be able to help him come to his senses.Also you never know how Jehovah can turn things around. I am sorry how I always offer a differant perspective but I am a optimist when it comes to the heart and I always hope a pray a situation can be salvaged. I pray the same for you also becuase I know how much you must be hurting and also how much you wanted this to work. But know this if you decide to walk out now Jehovah and your spiritual family will be right by your side and you also never know how Jehovah will bless you in this regard. Just keep the faith and do not let that lion devour you with all the pain and turmoil he is heaping on the whole association of brothers.

Love, your sister Dee

wow!!! You couldn't have said it any better. I hope you do practice what you have shared....your hubby is blessed 2 have you.

Thank you. I really do try hard to keep silent and show a lot of respect, even when it means shutting up, jumping in my car and trying to run him over lol. But seriously, I cannot take credit for anything, I can only say I am blessed to have God who listens to my prayers and gives me the strength and wiswdom to be a better wife. I am not a good wife, great wife, or anything special but I fight to do whats right if for anything to make God happy.

Its hard and there is no easy way around the struggles in marriage and this life. I have many times of doubt and sadness, pain and anxiety, anger and frustration. But Jehovah God keeps me moving in the right direction even when I feel I cant.

I and my hubby are blessed from having God in my life.

I came by to check on everyone and see how everyone is and saw that I have missed alot of posts.

I am so happy to read of the progress you are having MAO36. I read it and had a sigh of relief. It may be temporary becuase marriage does come with tribulation but I thank Jehovah that you are having a peacfull and happy time with your husband at the moment. Girl you are not alone. I spoke of some changes I have made in my marriage and that things are 80% better but that was not to say we will not and do not have any problems ever. For things to be 100% would say that my husband and i were perfect but since were not I know we will have problems. But I am so happy that you can have a moment of peace and Joy and pray that Jehovah will continue to bless your efforts.

Also to everyone that posted such sad storied of betrayal and dishonesty I am soo sorry to read this. I know it wont help to know when you are experiance such pain, but believe that these people that do these bad things will not succeed. Neither will their families that help them. Their success may seem certain in their eyes but what they cannot forget is God says, he cannot be mocked, you reap what you sow.

I will leave the vengance to God and only pray that you find some peace and eventual happiness in your life. You have gone through a lot of pain and God will not let you take more than you can bare. He lets us go through things to refine us and make us stronger. He also does this to show us how more than ever we as humans need to rely on him. That is the most important thing but the hardest thing to do becuase we want the peace of mind now lol. But the truth is we cannot do anything but wait. Wait on God to act in our behalf and then see all the wonderful ways he will act. Its hard to struggle and suffer, I know, but I pray that all of us will be better, stronger, and wiser and most of all closer to God when all is said and done.

Hey Mao36 I just saw your post and I want to say this, no matter what you choose it IS your choice. Jehovah is loving and he has given us the provision of divorce on the grounds of adultry for a reason. Girl if you cant take it, NO ONE and I mean NO ONE can blame you. I chose to stay through some infedelity based on my own unique circumstances but everyones circumstances and feelings are differant and you could never be blamed for saying enough is enough.

My husband for one, was not at home when it happened and on top of that we know he differs in our spiritual beliefs. That being said I hope the change in communication will bring some changes in your husbands. And I pray that not for his sake but for yours. We are all being tested by so much now and there is not one of us that is not going through something.

I know the pain and insecurity that infedelity bring with it and I would never want you to try and work through that pain if you could not handle to do so. I am very sorry you are going through that with your husband and you are having to deal with this sort of pain. If you can manage to try and work through the pain with your husband then I pray that it all works out to your happiness but if you cannot, just know I will be there to lend a ear, or hand, or whatever you need.

Thank you so much for the thumbs up but please dont give me any credit. I just know the pain I have gone through and hope my words can help someone else. Not to find fualt or blame with themselves but to recognize that sometimes when our feelings are involved we cannot look objectivly at the situation.

And as you said, when you have so many people (usually well meaning friends and family)encouraging your feelings of negativity it is almost inevetable that those feelings will fester and breed and then whatever oppurtunity there was for objectivity will be crowded out making it harder for the person involved to make an unbiased decision.

There were so many times I would go to my friends and family looking for advice but with the best of intentions, many of them would side with me, confirming within me the idea that my husband had used me. It wasnt until my sister sat me down and talked to me with a suprisingly unbiased viewpoint that I actually got started on the path of correcting some of my own personal misconceptions and mistakes. I'm glad she did that for me becuase no matter if my marriage works out or not if I ever am in another relationship I can use the tools I have learned. Also everything she told me was bible based and so I had every reason (according to my own beliefs) to look into it and believe it.

It was hard at first and I often times didnt have enough faith that it would work but over time, little by little, it did and then when things would improve and I would have a setback I could see really how those setbacks were affecting things leading me to believe that the advice I got really was the best advice for me. I dont know if this is the best advice for each ones situation but it is my piece of advice and I hope it can help someone in their situation even if it is only just one person. Anyway I will keep you ladies in my prayers and hope that you will find some peace in your marriages and some happiness. Remember that marriage is no walk in the park and God says we will experiance tribulation in marriage but he is also a happy god who wants us to work through the tribulation and be happy.

I wanted to add somthing to my prior post that I didnt say and I hope you ladies didnt take the wrong way. I am not putting the blame on women here at all, I am only going by prior experiance as to what has worked for me and what didnt.

When I was going through some of the same things with my husband I got mad, angry, and argumentative(which is a natrual reaction). I developed a lack of trust(which is also natrual for us to do). I became suspicious and dramatic and contstantly looked for the proof I needed to ease my mind that he had used me. I would accuse and complain.There were times when I would counter back with words that not only hurt him but hurt me afterwards becuase after the outbursts and verbal attacks I would feel mad at myself for being a person I didnt want to be. Sure he lied about some things, my husband even had an affair twice while we were seperated. I have been through the gambit with this man. Some will say I should have left and maybe that is the case. But I loved my husband. And I believe all of us have a great deal of love for our husbands and that is why their behaviors hurt so deeply. We have also put a lot of time and effort into these marriages which I think unless we have exhaughsted all the efforts on our part to make it right, would be a mistake to throw away.

You see, sometimes the issues at hand may not be as clear cut as we think, and also on top of that sometimes are own actions, while not starting the problem, can add too it.

This does not mean its our fualts and that some of our husbands actions are not totally wrong. In fact its true, everyones actions must be accounted for and there is nothing right about lying,cheating, neglecting, putting friendships or family before your spouse, or not providing adequatly to the best of ones ability as a husband. They are wrong for doing any of those things and will have to account to a higher person for their actions.

I am only saying that fruad may not be the root of the problem. If we assume its due to fruad, we may be shortchanging ourselves and creating a tornado inside thats doing nothing but picking up damaging debris that is destroying our own sanity, trust, love, and inner contentment.

I read in a Watchtower magazine on a different subject once, that a good desicion has examined both sides of the argument first. If I would have simply assumed that my marriage was fruadulant then I would have not ever made some of the changes that contributed to my marrital improvements and I would still be angry and bitter to this day and have extra baggage that I may or may not carry on to someone else. But in making some personal changes to the way I handled our problems, I most importantly helped myself and the improvments in my marriage came with it.

I am in full support of all you ladies on here becuase I know what this whole process is like and what it is like being in a cross culteral marriage.I also know the pain of lies, and neglect. I know the pain very very well. Please NEVER think I am blaming you guys for your husbands actions. I am not! I am just trying to give some advice based on my own experiance in hopes that it will give you some peace of mind and food for thought.

Thats good info on the subject of the background checks and the home visits. We as women should pay attention to those sort of things becuase as she said, the immigration officers must have some good reason to send someone out for a home visit. This is the government in fact and they have a lot more resources when it comes to investigating and were not talking about some JOEY GRECKO, from cheaters sting operation either. They can find a lot of things out on someone that we could not scratch the surface on.

Also what Mao36 said about many coming here and finding it is no walk in the park is very true. Sure you can make the money but that same money will be gone before that paycheck hits the table. Rent, bills, insurance, food, gas, taxes ect...

Some who come truly for love can still be in shock when they see they have been dissilusioned about the way things are here. Stress and anxiety can really change a persons personality. There is a scripture in the bible that says a persons power will be scanty in the day of distress and there is another one that says to some degree "a person in the middle of a problem will act without sense" Thats not it word for word but that is what it is basically saying.

Yes my husband are on a good track doing well. Going for a c-section on the 24th of this month to deliver a bouncing baby boy named Daniel! Congrats on the success of everyones marriage and also some newborns.

I wanted to add to this topic something that came to mind while reading through the posts. Mao36 mentiond our men "going buck wild". I think she may have struck gold when she said that. I say this becuase the temptations that are pushed in our husbands faces in this country can be overwhelming. They are overwhelming for Americans who have lived here all their lives.

We have the largest porn industry in the world,the desire for newer and better things shoved in our faces everyday on television and internet,the nice cars and new models that come out it seems bi-weekly, and a society that tells us you are nothing without a high education and a six figure income.

Also look at the way many Americans dont value marriage at all. Women here believe being the mistress has more clout than the wife and are angry when someone elses husband wont leave their WIVES! Add to that the lack of modesty in most American fashion and the way some women push themselves on other men whether married or not!

Most of our husbands while seeing these same issues in their home countries do not see it on the same grand level that they experiance here. In their countries a woman may not even glance at them unless they can shower them with money first yet when they get here in the States most women are just looking for a set of pants, whether the pockets are empty or not.

You should see the way women threw themselves on my husband while we went through a short seperation. They didnt even know me and accused me of cheating in order to lure my husband to cheat with them. One coworker even had the audacity to ask my husband if I planned my pregnancy to keep him and was he happy about it!!!! This same woman kept trying to lure my husband to dinner at her home until he told her he would come....WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN!!! She has since stopped trying as hard, but she has yet to fully stop. Even going to the point of implying I dont take care of my husband at home becuase when he comes to work at the WAREHOUSE, he doesnt wear nice cloths!!!

Add to all of this pressure, the pressures our husband go through adjusting to a new country, the initial stress of actually living in a cross culteral marriage,the arguing and friction that usually go with it, and the temptation many encounter with their first constant source of income, nicer clothes, first car ever in some cases, and the steady stream of women who come across as a easy stress release from their pressures at home.

These are not to excuse them but to offer insight into what may happen when they come here and experiance culture shock and wander lust.

What we women can do to help our marriages is try to leave the arguing alone. Try our hardest to be accomodating, respectfull, and supportive. Realize that their initial withdrawl from us may not be "us" but may be due to homesickness, culture shock, and worry over adjusting and the process of finding a job.My husband used to always comment on how in Korea and Nigeria there were hardly any such things as applications and prior experiance. He said most employers just took you on and saw if you could do the job or not, or knowing someone in the right places got you the work you needed. He also said many people in his country simply went into business for themselves, and there was not all this extra to worry about in doing so. He said even to drive was no big deal. There were no driving tests or the like.

Things here are so different. The things we need are hard to come by while the junk we dont is readily available to drag us into mess.

I am not talking about those men who have other wives or have already exhibited no love or affection or the desire for a easy buck. I feel you ladies have already given a plethera of red flags for others to watch out for. But I also wanted to add that this is not always the case but there can be other factors involved that can put MAJOR strain on a new marriage. And remember just becuase we may have been married in years, the real marriage doesnt start till we share the same roof. Also remember this, nobody is perfect. Yes our husbands have imperfections and that also means we do too. We also have different ways of communicating and interacting. Also like I always have to remind myself first, everybody thinks they are right when they are angry LOL.

A husband who loves his wife can still be selfish, hot tempered, and tempted.