SeeTheMilkyWay

You are so right... there are two sides to every story and he would say I complain all the time. But honestly I try to not do it so much, because I want to give him a fair chance to take on responsibility at home and with job searching, etc. But after 8 months of marriage and 10 months of him being here in the US... it is really just getting more and more apparent that I feel used. I really pride myself on being fair and honest so it is all true.

I appreciate the advice and think I will go talk to someone at a local Mosque to ask if they have a support system for him till he is able to go home. I want him to be able to get his belongings and stay with someone till he is able to leave. If he gets verbally abusive or more in the meantime, I will call and report it. He has not hit me, but I just don't get a good vibe at all when he gets angry. Definitely not a normal adult disagreement scenario... its very emotional and escalates quickly to screaming and staying up all night till he forces me to say the answers he wants to hear to make him feel better. Then the next day he might actually apologize and realize it wasn't cool... but this has happened one too many times now, where I have to stop saying to myself.... "ok, well maybe he's just having a hard time adjusting and being away from his friends and family." And the fact that his extended family have disowned him for leaving his mom to come to the US. His mom knows he is here and they talk often and she is ok with it, but no one else is.

I waited 37 years to get married to the right person... and only planned to do it once. I got to know him for 2 years and met several times before we were married. I felt I really bypassed the "head in the clouds phase" of the initial relationship to really make sure he was the right one and who he said he was. Boy... do I feel robbed! I just can't believe this is now happening. What's worse is that all this has an even deeper effect on friends, family, future life plans (potential children, finances, work, etc.). If his family asks, I will never let them think anything but that he is a good guy and things just didn't work... because he's the one who will have to deal with himself on this someday if he decides to. I also think I will have to make up an excuse for my friends and family, that his mom got sick or something and he had to go home. I pride myself on honesty, but I also don't want there to be negative feelings towards him and people from his part of the world, because that is the first thing I think people will attack, instead of just trying to understand that this was just a big mistake.

I just have to say I feel a little sad and alone in this, so THANK YOU SO MUCH for Visa Journey and those of you who have/will respond with advice and support :)

I totally feel used... I just don't know how to best get out of this situation since he has no where to go in the meantime. If I file for the marriage to be annulled, then how do I get him out of my home and life if he doesn't have money or resources here? How do I make him get on a plane and go home if he doesn't want to, since he knows he has it so good here. Is he allowed to stay in the US if he hasn't received his adjustment of status yet. Will he receive his adjustment of status even if I file for an annulment? Till he leaves, he has no where else to stay but with me, so I just don't want to be worried to come home or even worried that he'll retaliate and trash my house if he feels forced to give up the good life and opportunity for US Citizenship, you know. Because that's what it feels like now... that he's trying to ride things out. But I just don't want more problems, so I don't know what the next steps are to safely take?

And thank you for your blunt response I really appreciate honesty and feel every word you are saying!

I'm not sure what to do? I have always been who I am and feel I do ALOT for my new husband. I also made sure to ask the right questions up front, discuss important issues, let him know how I feel in certain areas so there would be no surprises for him when he arrived to the US.

Now that he is in the US, more and more I feel less love and more distance, to the point I feel stuck. He goes to bed late, sleeps in late, then when he is awake, he sits on the computer all day reading news articles or tweeting. I get VERY little help with anything else. I work, I pay all the bills, I do 99.9% of the cleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, taking care of the pets and him. He only helps once in a while, and mainly when I've had to ask several times. If I talk about this as an issue, he says... "I didn't come here to be your slave"... but in the meantime, I'm the one doing it all. Now that he finally received his employment authorization, he is not even bothering to look for a job. I've been the one searching and sending off resumes for him, because I'm desperate to get help with the finances. Today he said thank you for continually doing the job searches for him, because he would have given up by now (as if he even started). I just don't know what kind of "man" could behave this way???

When things are fine (meaning, I'm not complaining about what he's not doing) then things are ok, except for I feel continuously exhausted. But what's worse, because of the "culture" of where he comes from, he says he can't let his mom or brother know yet that we are married. He said he has to tell them he's staying at my mother's house, separate from me. I make sure to send his mother cards in the mail and flowers delivered to say hi and be in touch, but how can you come here with the intention of getting married and not tell your mom after 8 months of being married. Speaking of being married for 8 months now.... he won't have sex with me, because he said he's waiting till we have a ceremony in his religion. I found all the details and told him let's go, but he ignores and delays the subject. We've never had sex, so I believe in the US, that means we are still not legally married right?

I want him to go home, because this just doesn't seem fair... and I'm tired of feeling used and depleted of energy, finances and love. I just worry about what he might do if I force the issue for him to leave. He has a temper when we argue and gets very verbally abusive and behaves a bit erratic. It's hard to explain, because usually he is so normal, its just those few times when things aren't good, and its enough to make me a bit worried.

We have an in person interview with USCIS coming up in 2 weeks. This is the final phase for him to be approved for his adjustment of status or not. So I don't know if I tell them this, will they send him home. Or do I have to prove it somehow? I don't want this to be a big scene. I wish we could mutually resolve and/or split. But I just feel so stuck since he's not from here and he has no friends or family, so I can't ask him to leave. Normally in the US, a couple would just split up and go their separate ways. I feel very used.